Mental Health Thread • Page 118

Its my birthday and I'm spending it alone again since some shit happened and apparently my girl's card got stolen for 2k, locked yada yada. I'm tryna not be skeptical of her cus of past shit but that's a whole can of worms I don't wanna open atm, just leave it at I'm juggling a lot of uncertainty in life right now and considering this was suppose to be "the big day for me" when everything comes together it's really a straight groin kick to the soul.

 

One of these days

 

With the shit happening in the States right now, I want to remind all of my American friends how much you are loved and needed. The world desperately needs people with compassion and heart when those in power are trying their hardest to stamp us all out. Stay strong my loves

 

I had a bad night last night for the first time in a long time. I was with my wife at a music event/party downtown Seattle and I tried to have a good time but I just sort of shut down. She was the only one there I knew and I was super uncomfortable and very anxious the entire time. She agreed to get out of there a little early and once we were in the car I sort of broke down.

I don't know what it is. I mean, I do..I have depression/bipolar disorder/anxiety/OCD..but some days stuff like that just happens. I felt awful knowing I essentially ruined my wife's night but she didn't (and would never) see it that way. I was manic to the point of forgetting when her birthday was, which messed me up. I was balanced by the end of the night, but I feel awful for how the night went down.

The mind is a messed up thing.

 

It's happening again...

 

Just a little cuteness. ❤️❤️❤️

 

here's a chill song

 

Went in the garage to get a bottle of water, and my dad actually put labels on the drinks basically saying I'm not allowed to have any of those things. WTF! This makes me so furious. All because the other day my brother was going to use something I bought with my own hardworking money (I don't make a lot of money) and I said not to use a lot of it because it was really hard to find (it really was, you wouldn't think it would be), and they got really mad at me. They pretty much called me a lair and said it didn't matter how far away the grocery store was, I can go waste my own gas and buy more. He didn't even ask. They think is okay to let him use things I buy for myself because he "pays rent" therefore its his too. Um fuck no. Not when I buy it with my bank account. They do this ALL THE FUCKING TIME. When I buy my own food items/food they let him use it (my name would be on it), no asking, they say "no he can use it and you can go buy more" buy more as in with my own money for something I already bought with my own money. No respect. But the moment I use something of his that "he bought" unknowingly (which he never leaves the house so thats rare) its an immediate crime and I have to ask before I use it. So ridiculous. My entire life I've been treated like shit (and they'll deny it and make up and excuse to justify it and lie about it again) and I don't get better mentally, I continue to get worse as long as I live at home. I'm saving to move out and paying my debt before I make it happen.

 

so I was thinking about it today and just realized how dark shit has gotten here in IV and back home. feels like this shit follows me. Good friend crashed his brand new truck, two of my other good friends almost got a divorce and are still on thin ice, my parent's relationship is rocky, CW: someone was sexually assaulted in my apartment bathroom when I was back home, my old housemate died in a car crash and she was just about to graduate... her last instagram post was her with her friends captioned "college is the best, here's to finishing it out 2k17". like fuck man, that's just not fair. I fell down a full flight of stairs and knocked my front 3 teeth out... shit doesn't end. the concept of death has been hitting me hard and it's not normally something I think about.

 

like is this growing up? losing friends and family and just taking the punches as they come? Cuz I don't remember signing off on that.

 

one of those nights where im being really hard on myself for a lot of things. thankfully i have an amazing partner to open up to when i get like this, which i dont do often enough but tonight i really let out a lot of things ive been bottling up lately and i feel much better especially since she's endlessly supportive and understanding of everything ive gone through and am going through. i still dont feel great about myself but i at least know i have someone by my side to remind me that im worth it and valuable to people. something thats all too easy to forget when i start thinking of my mistakes and regrets.

 

I'm extremely depressed rn and I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. I just want to disappear

 

We don't want you to.

 

I've been doing school and work full time for the last eight months. Its been a rough time, but I've managed and haven't gotten too down about anything. Now that the semester is over, I'm finding myself having a lot more free time. My roommate and best friends both just started dating and its bringing me down. I just don't know what to do with my time, and I'm worried I'm spending too much time alone. I told myself I wasn't going to drink a lot anymore, but tonight's got me down and I'm like seven beers in. meh

 

I sure feel like it at times. Like I just want to pack my things and drive far away and no body could do anything about it

 

Need anti-d's and therapy to be less of a hella weird and horrible and bummer of a person to be around (and to like not contemplate killing myself multiple times a day), too broke to afford a psychiatrist, too depressed to find a job to not be broke

I'm literally the most pathetic loser excuse for a human being ever and anyone unfortunate enough to spend more than a day around me can attest to that probably I feel bad for everyone I plague with my presence and silently grateful for kindness I don't deserve

 

Just something that came to me recently.

 

Oh I am super toxic to myself.

 

I think a lot of that has to do with your environment. If your parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc. de-value you or constantly criticize your qualities, traits, etc., it becomes very easy to latch onto those things and start to believe them, and in turn, become toxic to yourself.

 

If I ever step out of line or make anyone uncomfortable/sound like a knowitall tell me so I can correct myself. ❤️

 

Worked 54 hours... Heavy lifting and socializing after two years of basically self imposed exile. Im not as tired as I thought I would be, the soreness went away after the first three days. Hurray for being young.

I took today off anyway, just one more week to go before I have to find something else. I called to say I wasn't coming in but if they really needed me I would, and the boss dude didn't call back so I'm sure everything's fine.
I called a couple days ago to see if he still wanted me to come in after I'd finished the minimum 44 hours and he said "uhhhhhhh.... Yeah you can come in!" I just hope I'm not annoying. I also don't wanna seem lecherous by getting overtime $ cuz I don't deserve it.
I'm also just kinda scared I'll show up at 6 am tomorrow and be told to go home and not get my $650.

Second day I worked I got put into a different room, and I kinda shut down and must've seemed like a moron because a boss and two other dudes were trying to get me to do something but I couldn't hear them because of how anxious I was. It's like being a deer in the headlights, I just sorta froze. I nearly started crying, the older boss was like "are you okay?" And I couldn't answer. They found something for me to do, and later he said "if you're tired, pace yourself, and if you ever have questions just come find me" which I thought was nice. But in my head no ones sincere. Fuck I even flirted with some lady and it's like I'm an actor like I'm just distant watching myself from far away while I go about the day.
It's like sometimes I'm pretending to be human and others I'm far away idk how else to describe it.
I think I've made a new friend who's just started a day ago and the bosses all know my name which is a good sign? Idk I'm always scared I'm not doing enough or that they laugh about me. I went on my lunch break one time and came back to what I'd been doing but the water was turned off for maintainance so I wandered out into the hallway and encountered the manager and he gave me a broom so I did a bit of cleaning lmao. I don't even really take my 15 minute breaks that are payed and I eat my lunch really quick, I worked like 12 hours one day and don't even go to the bathroom, but I'm lazy and stupid and it'll never be enough

I just wanna survive this week. And then I can have the ~$1200 Ima make and finally feel like I earned something.
But then I'll think 'it was a fluke, they gave you easy jobs, they thought you were slow, they pitied you, you'll never find another job.'

Holy shit I just completed a week of working full time. I even worked overtime. That's massive to me but it doesn't feel like it.

then I think about $... And I feel like I don't want anything anyway, what's the point? I should save it for others when I disappear
I haven't even got payed yet, I think it's next week I'll get it, and I'm wondering if I mess up tomorrow or something and they fire me if I'll still get it.
I just wanna be good enough, I haven't seen my counsellor in over a month since, my break up, because his schedule is jammed and I'm busy for once and I'm supposed to schedule an appointment but the knife I'm loaning to open boxes with for work is really sharp and I have thoughts about hurting myself with it and i have so many things I wanna say to people that are not around and I'm supposed to man up and suck it up and push forward and stop crying and grow up but I still can't see tomorrow so I just focus on today cuz tomorrow will come anyway. I guess my mind is in that self defeating depression mode where it's waiting for any slight perception of difficulty so that I can crumble again and I'm doing everything I can not to.

It's like I'm holding a gun to my foot and waiting for any excuse to gleefully pull the trigger lol.

P sure it's out of ammo for now tho :P

I will be ok. I already am, rock bottom is in the past.

 

today i had my notebook open and ready for me to take notes for the past 7hrs and have done absolutely nothing. i've been blowing off school work for two weeks to work on music and sleep (more of the latter) and now i'm two weeks behind with only two weeks left in the semester. after a month or so of successfully learning new thought patterns to not hate myself, i'm back at it, and my relationship with my s/o is not as supportive as it once was. i don't want to blame the relationship, but it is noticeably holding me back by making me feel like shit, and its not as simple as "just leave the relationship" bc it would open a whole other giant can of stress.

 

Was doing relatively OK today (for me anyway) and with the flip of a switch, while making dinner, I'm just walloped by this feeling of anxiety out of nowhere and I can't pinpoint why (I usually can, more or less, why I'm swinging down) and that is making me more anxious and generally not helping things.

 

What were you making?

 

My head is complete mess. I'm anxious all the time and I don't know why. I am struggling again. Fuck.