Mental Health Thread • Page 100

Here's the exchange I had with my wife today that prompted the above post:

 

Good luck to the both of you, feels nice to hear/read stuff like that from loved ones.

 

don't post in here much but just needed to say I forgot my anti-depressants at home today, and low-key am prepared for the worst day ever. I wish i could go home, but theres a ton of things I need to get done at work. On top of that Im working at the Toronto Comic Con right after my work ends, so I wont be home for the next 12 hours.

fuck today....

 

Just got home from my first therapy session. I cried a lot but they were tears that needed to come out. Feeling hopeful.

 

Such a good feeling ^^

 

Proud of you!

 

Today has been a very bad day. Depression is killing me today as opposed to anxiety. Nothing seems to be going as well as it should be. I've called the outpatient place at penn three or four times this week and left two messages and they haven't gotten back to me. I've applied to 7-8 jobs and have heard nothing back. My girlfriend is struggling with my relapse and obviously I can't comfort her fully about it because I'm the one who relapsed and honestly I'm having an extremely hard time forgiving myself for the way I acted through the month of February and for relapsing in the first place. 20 days clean and all I feel is dread and hopelessness. I'm homesick as fuck but definitely don't want to move back home. I just miss my old life back there and the only life I've known here is one where I was high on fucking heroin all the time, now that I'm clean I feel so fucking lost, if I don't get back on my feet in the next few weeks I have no idea what I'm gonna do.

 

Everyone fucks up, man. You're not alone and work doesn't define a person. Obviously you want to get on your feet, but you've been in Philly (correct?) for a limited amount of time. It's tough to land a job, they don't just grow on trees. You're 20 days clean and that's really, really impressive, Jake. You and your girlfriend are strong, honest, genuine humans who are flawed and amazing at the same time. 20 days is an accomplishment given you're in a new city away from everything you've known. You're on the right path and when you land a job -- which you will -- the first time you get a paycheck you'll feel so accomplished and things will fall into place.

Two years ago, I moved to a new city -- granted it was only an hour from where I grew up and not partially across the country -- to live with my current girlfriend and I spent the first few months doing some online writing for like $150 a month. It was miserable; I felt like I relied on my girlfriend for everything and I was constantly full of guilt for doing what I felt amounted to "mooching" off of her. It wasn't until we talked extensively about it that she affirmed to me it was something that she wanted. She wanted me here, in this one bedroom apartment with her and her sacrifice for that was to cover bills while I got settled, no matter how long it took. Then I got a job, fell into an industry I absolutely adore, have progressed in it, and things are great now.

Point is, your girlfriend wants you there. She needs you there. You're an amazing dude bringing light into everyone's lives. You're strong, you're clean and I have faith you'll be able to stay clean, but don't beat yourself up over mistakes that are easily made. Idle hands and whatnot. You're doing wonderfully.

 

Thoughts:
When I am craving sugar/chocolate, I eat a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter.

My girlfriend has forgiven me so many times for my relapses that I don't know how we are still together. I was literally on -1 chances the last time I relapsed. Add in the coming out as trans stuff, and she moved out for a bit last summer. I also came thisclose to losing my job. It's been 6 months, but I'm struggling hardcore the last few days. Been sitting here playing the tape forward, over and over. How I'll feel. How I can never actually hide drinking/being drunk, despite thinking I can. How she'll find out. How it's never as good as my brain romanticizes it. How it made me fat. How it made me sick. How I put other people's lives at risk. Usually it passes after doing that for a while. It's not beating myself up, more like, let's be completely real about how this will go because this is how it ALWAYS goes.

 

im rather speechless but all i can muster up is an endless thank you, you are such a constant positive presence in this thread, and i needed to hear this. tomorrow's a new day.

 

@bigmike always getting me emotional in his replies!

 

Classic scenario with my mom - get in an argument, don't speak for a while, eventually start to resume communication, things go back to "normal" with none of the resolution and all the resentment. It is my sister and mom arguing this time and it kills me that my mom thinks they're all good when my sis is like NOPE. But she won't tell my mom that so now my mom doesn't have to learn or face repercussions. Then I come around with MY resentment lol and have the urge to tell my mom they're not all good and then watch the world burn, but that's a tad too messy for me.

 

Tonight will be my last night as the full time closer and I'm so happy to be done.

I can handle a day or two per week but an everyday job just sucked because of how much stress it is.

 

As a general rule of thumb my approach to life is try and have the best intentions, do your best, and hope for the best (even though that last one rarely works out in my favor).
With this new job however it's been a gambit of them not being prepared, having their people prepared (wasting a month of my own, companies, and their time NOT TRAINING ME in their training period), and expecting people to compensate and/or take shit if they don't live up to their expectations (which news flash no one does, cus the managers will go out of their way to complain cus their mindstate is the more they chop bust the less they need to do).
I could go into greater detail but I won't bother some of it is very typical "That's how jobs can be man, people don't appreciate shit." (ie travel/working in bad weather, don't show up you're public enemy #!) to things more special like not even knowing what positions they were suppose to hire people for so after getting jobs they drop whole other unexpected shit on em (positions and responsibilities not interviewed or applied for) or like I alluded to spending a month not even getting me my numbers to even begin my computer based training that is actually the one thing key to my particular position.

SOOO that said, I have decided to go about this how my girl alluded to once before: "Josh you'll do things you don't wanna do in good faith once or twice, but you'll make it be known you ain't fucking with it. If it doesn't change eventually you stop giving a fuck and close it out." Just gonna do that with my job. When I'm on i'll do it and do it to my best, but outside that I don't give a half a fuck anymore. I ain't worried about the stupid shit, write me up or fire me - I know I'm doing my job right and the things I have had mistakes on were all things I wasn't taught so..... fuck it. If you ain't happy with my work write me and fire me or shut the fuck up and pay me cus I'm really over having to compensate from everyone from coworkers to corporate with them never having any real appreciation for it.

I find power in the nonchalantness born of that fed up frustration tbh. It's like a warm bullshit defense blanket lmao.

 

I regret all the things. I'm staying at my mom's this weekend to hang out with my nephew and I know it'll be worth it when my nephew is actually here, but he isn't yet so I'm just annoyed about everything my mom does. Her trying to give me a hug or say "good morning" annoys me like that's how loaded up my resentment is lol. I just see her like acting out being a mom instead of really being one and I get super annoyed. She's all about making a show to look like a mom, but outsiders ALWAYS realizes something is off with the dynamic. At first ppl think she's nice and fine, but the longer you experience it, like the more she doesn't really understand how to actually be a mom? It's weird af and I feel like it has to be seen to be understood lol. I always had a feeling our dynamic was off but I never truly got it until I had coworkers who are moms and i see the difference.

 

Dead at Abbi liking it

 

Depression, period, sickness all hit me at once. Being sick was the perfect cover for staying in bed all wknd.

 

I feel nothing but guilt

 

Today I was thinking about how my life veered when I very first started feeling depressed and how different my life would be if I hadn't. Like I was part of this close friend group with 2 other girls. Bff's, super close, etc. But when I started struggling, they didn't really get it and just wanted me to go to church all the time to feel better so I drifted from them. My mom also didn't get it at all and, among other reasons, we fought and grew apart. My dad suffers from depression so he understood and we became much closer and I moved in with him.

Sometimes I just get weird and am like hmm wonder what life would be like without it, espesh since I kinda know what triggered it. I was always withdrawn and anxious, but my parents divorce is what really set it off and I can see how drastically different I became from that point on.

 

Kind of feels like every time I think I'm improving I get knocked back two notches and stumble even more. It just hasn't been great being alive for the past week.

 

Ugh that's such a rough combo

 

Never felt so angry, anxious and disappointed. There's nothing worse than being physically threatened by nutjobs and having a friend turn her back to you. Fuck all of them, I'm sick of being bullied.

 

I'm so stressed and anxious all the time lately. I'm nauseous, need to cry, fighting with my sister and generally struggling to hold it together lately.

 

Been living with my parents for the past 4 weeks as my marriage kind of abruptly feel apart. Easily the most difficult thing I've dealt with and gets harder each day.