Mental Health Thread • Page 89

Semi related, it is wild how little money some positions pay. Like jobs working with at risk populations which can be hard and dangerous af can pay like nothing with a bachelor's and expereince required like wut. It's hard to find something related to what I wanna do without taking a massive pay cut.

 

Change is weird to me. Often I'm more resistant to the idea of whatever would be changing, than the actual event itself. Like once it happens I'm good with rolling with punches, but I'll fight tooth and nail to prevent it happening in the first place, for whatever reason.

Still early in my serious attempts at job hunting, but it seriously gives me so much anxiety as I look at various job descriptions. I'm not at a level where I can command a high salary and the places where my dream jobs gather are at the Bay Area/NYC and I just struggle to fathom how I'd be able to afford it, though I believe these jobs would give me a chance at maybe waking up and not so thoroughly hating myself and being so unhappy all the time, so I have to keep going for it.

At the moment, the only time I find myself seemingly at all OK is when I play games with people online, which largely drives why I play a particular game online so fucking much. Like the last few nights I've logged on to just play some single player games and am hit within minutes for multiple invites to play. It blows me away that anyone even wants to play with me. I'm largely a quiet person, I am bad at driving conversation with people I haven't known for too long and that sitting there quietly on the mic doesn't dispell them from wanting to play often is new to me. At the same time I start to contemplate how long they'll want to play with me. I am not particularly great at online gaming and I'm so quiet, I just figure they'll find someone else more worth their time, eventually. My quiet/reservedness is so bad that I'll jump on and see someone on that I play with and then don't reach out. I worry that my invite will bug them. I dunno. Just what goes through my dumb head.

/rant on a few different topics.

 

I feel like I've become so independent and no nonsense with romantic relationships but I'm still SO insecure about my relationship with my bff. Like it's kinda sad how excited I get when she asks me to do something. She has so many friends and is so outgoing and popular with ppl that I feel like why would she wanna do anything with me? Like I'm a last resort? I know she cares about me and like we live together lmao but she's always out and about, and her other friends seem funner and less uptight so I'm like why me? I get insecure that it's just cause we've been friends longest and she knows I'm always available if nobody else is.

 

You are all fucking brilliant people and you can all do anything you want to do. I believe in you.

 

I thought you were, but you didn't explicitly mention depression, so I felt like an ass that was making some pretty huge assumptions, and that I needed to step back. Relieved that I didn't misread your post though, haha.

 

I used to work in mental health, and I slowly found out that there's no correlation whatsoever between the emotional toll a job takes on you or how virtuous your work is and how much you get paid. It's a travesty.

 

I bet! A lot of the stuff in mental health when I skimmed paid like nothing. I work in advocacy rn and it pays enough for me as a single person, but it's hard for me to find jobs like that at all, let alone ones that pay at least what mine does (but preferably more. I get laid off during the summer and that's rough so I need year-round) cause I do need to be able to afford some self care. It's just too depressing not to tbh. It really breaks you down. I can't even imagine working in mental health tbh I've considered it but idk if I could ever handle it

 

I'm glad you think that ! I'm still in the beginning phase haha, I got Ableton Live last May, and have been trying to get through it but damn, it is hard. I gained so much respect for musicians who use non conventional instruments, because that stuff is easily time consuming, though extremely rewarding once you know how it works I guess. In the meantime, I'm adding more and more music touches outside rock music on my songs. I'm actually working on a double album (one mostly rock/metal/hardcore oriented, the other not) on Guitar Pro, which I'm trying to finish by April 1st lol. I love dumb projects like that. I just want to know if I'm capable of doing that, especially now that I have compiled so many ideas in the past 12 years of writing music. It's like I'm challenging myself, which is so fun. I'll PM you asap (or do you have facebook or twitter ? I tend to forget about chorus.fm's PMs), no worries ! I have to tone down my passion a little bit in order to focus on my homework and on my eventual part time job lol.

 

It took me years and years to find the field I wanted to follow, but one thing's sure. I will work in mental health, hopefully as a Neuropsychologist, which is the reason I want to do one year in Montreal, as they are way way way more advanced in the Psychology field than in France, in which Psychanalysts are still the main kind of therapists you meet for example. I know it will be hard, but I've been training myself for it, and I positively changed so much in the past few years to fix my social anxieties, and to work through my depression and my possible autistic traits (I'll get back to that later in another post). I wish some professors I had hadn't been so close minded about some students dreams. Two years ago, in my first year as a Psychology student, I remember one part time professor telling us to get out of there if we had mental health issues and still wanted to become a therapist. Like, I may get your point but what the hell, could ou be even more tactless ? Because of her, I had so many doubts and even abandoned my dream for one year to go back to the Biology/Environmentalist field, which bored me even though I loved it. It just wasn't what I truly wanted to do. There's nothing more than I love than helping people, in whatever way. It's the main thing that keeps me happy, and makes me feel alive and cherished. I try not to care if people don't help me back, of course it makes me sad if I get ignored, but there's one thing I always say now : any person I meet, that is nice, kind, and respectful to me, it could be someone I talked to when I was a child, or someone I just crossed paths with yesterday, either way, I'll make sure to pay back 1000x in the future.

 

Re:What I said about my familial situation and especially my father : I've talked about it with some friends and some members of my family. There's a good chance my mother, my brother and I can sue him, and that he even ends up in jail due to all the illegal shit, the manipulations, the bullying, the mental health issues, etc. he put us through. I feel like I'm finally seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, and I will be able to live the life I always wanted, without worries, without that extreme stress and anxiety. I hope my family will be saved, and that we will definitely distance ourselves from him. I can't believe I'm writing this, but I'm done letting it slide like it will get better, it never does. I have to defend myself.

edit : Every friend I talked to regarding this situation is now helping me. It means so much to me to be supported like that. I need that so much.

 

I don't know if it's work lately or what but I didn't have it in me to get out of bed yesterday. I fell in and out of sleep for like 36 hours and got up 3 or 4 times for food/water and the bathroom.

 

I feel so worthless compared to my friends
Four of them are closing on a house this week, and all are doing well. I'm still stuck at my parents house because of how saddled I am by my stupid ass student loans. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from going to a bigger college to not waste so much money. I don't even have that bad of a job, but it's still not enough to support myself. I just feel like I'm never going to get past this and it's bumming me out.

 

My life is so boring. When I'm on my death bed I'm gonna look back and be like "well I was really practical!" Like no how boring! I'm gonna remember being boring and uptight and too self conscious. If I was a sitcom I'd be cancelled. It's boring.

 

i think i'm just realizing i'm just burned out. probably my school does this to most engineering students in particular cause of our breakneck schedule and over the top credit load... i think i should have known ever since freshman spring finals when i didn't sleep for 3-4 days and my breathing got so arrhythmic i couldn't get a full breath for the rest of the week, something in me fractured and i haven't been able to push myself to that breaking point again, for better or worse? i used to be able to totally sacrifice my well-being for results, but now trying to do that i just sputter out, and i don't know... if i miss that or not. because back then i was very miserable and seeing academic results. now i'm just fairly miserable and not seeing the academic results.

 

I can't imagine how taxing it must be to have a credit because of school. It seems to be more prevalent in the US, I think ? I know in my country, it is also the case but only with private schools, business schools, and engineering colleges. But everything else is more or less cheap, and we can have funds to help us. That said, I hope you will be able to get some time for yourself, so you can focus on other things that motivate you and make you happy. You shouldn't have to sacrifice so much for school, your mental health is the priority here.

 

I'll be dead and buried and prob still be in debt from school loans.

 

On the flip side, wild and crazy is definitely not all it's cracked up to be. Hangovers, regrettable hook ups, aches and pains from fighting, addiction, injuries from doing dumb stunts, friends and family being mad at you for acting a selfish fool, losing phones and wallets, time in correctional facilities, erratic employment, etc. all really suck, and aren't really worth being "fun".

I know there's a middle ground, but I've had trouble consistently sticking to it because I have an addictive personality that wants to operate at extremes. Have gotten better in recent years about being conscious of where I'm at mentally, and that really helps when it comes to self regulating and maintaining health, but it requires a will and determination that I don't always have.

Edit: like right now I'm conscious of the fact that I've been on the Internet more than I probably should be, and that I'm using it as a coping mechanism because the world sucks, but that isn't stopping me from posting.

 

Yeah a middle ground would be nice. I guess I do fun things sometimes like I've been making an effort to save money to go on fun lil mini trips. Nothing too far or crazy tho. But I feel like there's this whole culture of like going out with friends and living it up and I'm not super into that but yeah feels like there is a middle ground between like blackout drunk with friends and playing Sims alone in my room lol

 

I can probably draw the curtain back here since it seems to have happened in real life...I've been struggling more than I've been letting on here. I've had a few relapses. I confided in a friend about them and he told another friend who told my family, I came clean to my girlfriend so everyone in my life knows now. Everything feels really fucked

 

Everyone screws up sometimes, man. What you're doing is so incredibly tough, and you'll get back on the horse of living clean. I believe in you.

 

For years nothing was fun. Like when your whole social life always included a few drinks with any activity, and now they don't.....everything just seems so tame and reserved in comparison. It's only been maybe 3 years now where I can actually enjoy myself in social settings while sober. My finances suck so I don't get to eat out, go bowling, hit up the water park and what have you very much though. Thank the creator that me and my friends like to do stuff outdoors that doesn't (aside from the initial cost of various equipment) cost anything to do.

Do get clean, but don't beat yourself up too much. Relapse is a pretty common thing, and too many people feel so bad about it that it's used as an excuse to completely nuke all previous progress. Look at it as a learning experience on the need to be more mindful of when you're heading to a bad mental place if you can.

 

After awhile of doing alright (them still being there like an old lost friend) my suicidal urges are back full blast and tbh i never valued life, still don't. Don't wanna learn too. Don't really give a fuck.
Sure I'd like to be happy but nothing matters enough to move me outside of love and well, that's an unstable anchor in life to rely on to say the least.
I hate being asked about getting help or anything like that at this point, I'm honestly just tired of life and people in it using me till i'm used up and spitting me out - problem is I have the power of not giving a fuck about anything anymore - even in brighter times all I cared about was my girl & our future.
I don't want "help" or "to be saved" I want some real people with real love and real appreciation in my life - or I don't want anything at all.

 

I appreciate you. Everyone here does.

 

It's gonna happen. Realizing it and realizing it isn't ultimately what you want is what matters or it did in my case anyway. Of course mine wasn't as hardcore as yours but I think you can do it. We all do.

 

I thought by now I wouldn't have side effects to seroquel. I hate this shit with a passion. It stops up my nose to where I have to breathe out of my mouth and I hate breathing out of my mouth.