Mental Health Thread • Page 73

Been really struggling lately. Fighting off thoughts of self-harm. It's only ever been thoughts, but occasionally they hit me like waves. Really need to find a new job. Hate it, but worried at the same time they'll fire me. I have no proof they dislike me, but thoughts still swirl that they might. It's only my fault I haven't been looking for a new job, but looking gives me an anxiety attack, so I just don't. It's not smart.

 

I'm back in school this semester and being on campus always destroys my self esteem. I spend most of the day feeling stupid and ugly.

 

You're not stupid or ugly.

 

I'm so shallow but I'm about to start bawling. I woke up with a rash all over my body and idk why but it's on my face and I cannot look like this and I feel like trash. Doctor told me to get benadryl so now I have to go in public and I feel like I'm gonna have an anxiety attack

Edit: ok I survived the public

 

I am really, really struggling with the process leading up to top surgery. My top choice for a surgeon isn't contracted with my insurance, so I've been working on getting letters of support to get surgery pre-approved. This process started in mid November, and his office still hasn't gotten to the "contact my insurance" part because of how long everything else took...and of course, he's out this week, so no movement on that front until now the third week of January.

My company is in the middle of an acquisition, due to take official effect in March as of the last update, and I have no idea if my position will be kept or eliminated. So all this stuff in the back of my head, I mean forget the actual dysphoria of having these things on my chest and binding every damn day, I can't stop thinking that everything will get approved and then boom I lose my insurance and all of this waiting was for nothing and I pay fully out of pocket anyway, with an extra 4-5 months of disgust with my chest on top of it.

I can't shake it. Since I found out Monday that I have to wait yet another week in the process, I'm back to just wanting to get by and not actually living. I just want to be asleep until then.

 

I'm slowly coming back around to myself the last few months. My girl coming back into my life earlier last year was a big part of that but of course we had to relearn who we are for the lost time/patch things up/rebuild a bit. However since mid October there has been a bigger understanding there on both ends but especially her to me. She doesn't have any mental baggage like I do and sometimes it makes for hiccups or having to readdress things (to help her truly grasp) but especially these past few months its seemed to fall into place so much more.

The support in which she gives from that and the "Base" that gives me to always stand on/come back to has helped immensely and now that I'm a few months into this I can.. almost feel the black clouds starting to be done away with as I get clarity on both self worth to identity to everything in between. It's like learning to breathe again, finally free of congestion. Learning how to be myself again, free of need to concern myself with "People not understanding" or pushing people away either way, cus I got my base. I can be unapologetically me..... and that's all I've ever wanted. That base & support, I can handle the rest of sorting my shit out, just give me that place to go home to.

 

Ur a qt pie Maddy

 

I'm sorry, health care being tied to employment and not universal is such a flawed system, hope all works out well

 

You feel like shit.

Very helpful if you struggle with executive dysfunction or have trouble figuring out what your body/mind needs when you feel crappy

 

Fuck you depression! I've cleaned almost all of my house and have packed most of my things for the move. My depression manifests in me not having the care/strength/will to clean or keep up with anything around me, so my house was absolutely disgusting. Like, almost hoarders level. I'm not proud to admit that, but I'll own up to it.

Today, though, it's getting cleaned. My mom helped with a bit this weekend, but I've done the majority of everything last night and today. Living room is cleaned with moving boxes stacked in the corner. Bathroom is clean and sparkly with no garbage. Kitchen is clean and actually safe to cook in now. All I need to do now is clean my office and wipe out the fridge once I finish cleaning it out.

Accomplished af. This has been an overwhelming task for SO LONG. Years. But now I have the strength and energy to just do it and get it done and I couldn't be happier. This is awesome. I hope to god I never let my environment get so disgusting again. Blech.

 

^^^
Totally feel you on that one. Having a clean house calms me down/makes me feel less chaotic....so naturally I let things get gross.

 

The worst. Cleaning has been surprisingly calming, actually. I could see myself actually keeping things clean once I move, tbh.

 

My mom makes me feel like the ugliest person in the world. Even after I brought it up to her.

 

You're goddamn beautiful she's dumb.

 

You are the opposite of ugly.

 

i remember one time in middle school me and some friends stopped by a friends to hang out and his Mom went to get him and she caught him jerking off to one of Christina Aguilera's videos lol.


As for the mental health check in... I'm finally rounding a corner getting back to myself as I mentioned before, today I started applying more hardcore than I was to jobs and everything cus I really finally feel... that motivation and ability to even be motivated in the first place. Tomorrow provided it's nice I think I might walk through the woods to a spot I like to go where it comes out over the dunes of the nearby beach. It's one of my favorite spots on earth. Nature always is super rejuvenating to me.

from last April:

 

Office is mostly done. I need to disassemble my desktop setup and put daily use things in my new backpack when it arrives today. Holy shit I'm almost packed and the house is almost finished being cleaned guys.

depression - 1 me - 4

 

A few months ago I was in a pretty good spot. Despite being upset about my breakup, I was working out 5 days a week, eating healthy, confident, felt attractive etc. I stopped all that and now I feel so unattractive. I avoid mirrors, I don't allow my picture to be taken. My self esteem has never been this low and I feel like it's such a petty and shallow thing to care about

 

@lish that's a pretty good score!

@Bloodsucker II it's not a shallow thing to care about. It's much easier to love yourself when you feel attractive and confident. So even if it feels shallow to say something like "I want to look better" or whatever, it isn't really because you don't want to look better just for the sake of looking better. You want to look better because it makes you feel better, have better self-esteem, and improve your overall mental health.

 

I was feeling suuuper anxious yesterday. I just couldn't get out of my head, overthinking everything to death and I was feeling incredibly self conscious of every move I made. I couldn't stop thinking about other people noticing me or judging me for everything from what I was wearing to where I sat in class. I'm sure at least some of you feel this way sometimes so I wanna share what my friend said to me that helped me get back to reality. (I'm definitely going to think about this next time I get overwhelmed with these kinds of thoughts)
"Think about the most outrageous or embarrassing thing you've ever seen a stranger do.. you probably can't even remember one. That's cause after you see a random person do something weird or embarrassing you probably never think about it again. so even if you do something weird and people see, they'll likely never think about it again because they care about their own lives more."

 

Overcame some of my anxiety about my sister being pregnant (oh, yeah - they're back together and living at my parents' and found out she's pregnant a week and a half ago) and bought a set of receiving blankets and a binky as a sort of peace offering. I hate it but I'm going to be there for her. Sigh. So hard to come to grips with this, especially since I'm moving. :/

 

I constantly feel "left out". I'm rarely invited anywhere and I feel like I'm forgotten about. I hate to say that I'm use to this feeling :/ I hate feeling this way. I wish I was more cared about and got invited out more even if I can't make it, it's the thought that matters. I don't feel like I matter enough. I may work about 45 hours a week but I have my days off.

 

You would think that after all these years I would have zero expectations from my dad but I'm still a giant idiot and got my hopes up. So sick of excuses. If he actually wanted to spend time with me, he would make time. I'm done trying anymore. It took so much for me to let the past go and want to try and mend things between us and I really don't think he even cares. He had this huge sob story when I wasn't speaking to him and acted like it was the worst thing in the world, and now here I am trying to spend time with him and have some awesome bonding experiences with him and he won't make any time. It's been like this for years and I'm just over it. This was the last straw for me and I'm not trying anymore. It's all up to him now.

 

I have said this before but my PMS depression is no JOKE. My hormones make my mental illnesses skyrocket. I try to tell myself that it's only that and that in a few days it will be over and not to give it too much power, but obviously that's easier said than done.
I just end up feeling like I need to isolate myself so that I don't say or do anything stupid (like say things I don't mean, come across too clingy and needy, just in general be a debbie downer) but it's like a catch 22 because being alone makes me crazier and more needy.
Basically I just need to ride this out for another day or two but in the mean time shit's rough