Sinai Vessel Break Up

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Sinai Vessel are calling it a day.

15 years is a longer span of time than I know how to talk about. It contains the whole of my adult life and nearly half of my life besides. Good grief.

My time outside and within Sinai Vessel can be parsed, but they’re two strands in a cord. And the Sinai Vessel strand is a series of events that is always connected to — if not directly responsible for — every relationship and memory I hold dear. To say I’m thankful for it is to say I’m thankful to have lived at all.
And I am thankful. But it has not been easy. Somewhere along the way, Sinai Vessel became a means for me to dress for the job I wanted. I never got that job. I saw friends and peers get the call. I put my nose to the grindstone. I worked my ass off, I enjoyed some true victories. And I spent a long time questioning what was wrong with me or the things I made. My math was wrong, I know. As a loved one put it, it’s insane to be frustrated with myself for not winning the lottery.

But still I was, I am. And I’ve tried for a long time to untangle making music from the sick cycle of hope, but I can’t. At least not under this name or banner. It’s too storied, too complicated, it’s gone on too long. There are so many selves that have been involved in this thing. I’ve spent years dreaming of the accidental fire that would reduce it all to zero, but that too is a lottery fantasy. Sometimes you’ve gotta burn it down yourself.

If I only once had a hundred people listen to me sing in a given room, only once had as many bend their ear towards something I’d made, I’d be in a privileged quotient of humanity that’s smaller than I could comprehend. I’ve had that many times over. I got to make things I’m proud of with people I adore. And I have felt seen far more often than any one person deserves. Moreover, I learned how to see myself.

Goodnight, Sinai Vessel. It’s time to step beyond your fences. I hope that in relieving myself of this pursuit I can be a kinder friend, a better collaborator, a gentler companion to both myself and others. You have taught me everything and I’m taking it all with me.

Thank y’all for listening — then, now, whenever you hear from me down the road. It counts now more than it ever has.

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