Mental Health Thread • Page 464

life is good these days for the most part, I’m finally making huge strides towards complete financial independence, it’s like yeah okay I’m 32 it’s about time but I also suffered from a horrible disability throughout my 20s that made my life impossible to live despite everything I’ve been given by my parents and it’s a wonder I even made it out of my last relapse and mental breakdown alive let alone come up absolutely thriving a short 6 and a half months later but here we are. It’s exciting and scary at the same time, and my job is good but it can be a lot especially the hours there is no getting cut early (very rarely maybe once every few weeks) and often getting stuck an hour past when you’re supposed to be “done” but the money and full benefits more than make up for it, plus overall it is good for me to have a 40 hour a week job to keep me busy. I’ve had some cravings lately, some thoughts and ideas on how to get away with a relapse if I wanted to but every time my mind goes there I’m like….but I don’t want to. So I don’t. I’m a little nervous heading into the fall season….sounds weird but just the weather can be triggering to me. If the crisp fall air hits my face just right on a sunny day I could be using two hours later with seemingly no explanation. I mean there is an explanation, I started using in October of 2015, I’ve relapsed in the fall months a lot and associate a lot of my using days with that kind of weather. I relapsed last fall on the same day as my “anniversary” of first using. Probably not a coincidence. So yeah something I need to keep in mind coming up. And like fall and early winter are my favorite seasons and I’ve missed too many years during that season either strung out or stuck indoors at a treatment center. I didn’t even get to decorate my condo for Christmas last year. It’s important to me to stay clean so I don’t miss out on little things that make my life full

 

Good for you dude.

 

Fuck. THAT.

 

The worst MRI is for your brain when they put the cage over your face/head. Ugh.

 

Haha that was me! It was kinda neat though, they had some sort of augmented reality video going on above me? Like, I could see a nature scene floating on the ceiling?

 

My favorite elevator moment was when within 3 seconds of stepping out of my elevator on the ground floor, I heard a big, slow cracking noise and then all of a sudden something from the ceiling of the chute slammed down on the roof of the elevator and then the doors wouldn't open back up

I had to carry groceries and laundry to my third story apartment for a few weeks after that....

 

Had to submit a photo for a work thing and it's not like a photo that matters and will be displayed prominently. It'll be in a low quality printed program that'll get chucked into recycling afterwards. But ugggh I hate crippling insecurity. I have some selfies of myself I like but it needed to be more of a professional headshot type pic and my bf took some of me and legit out of like 100 pics I hated them all but it was due yesterday so I just chose one and now I keep staring at the pic hating it and how I look when it literally doesn't matter. And I don't want my bf to feel bad. He thinks I look great in any pic which is sweet but like... I need more objectivity. I asked a coworker which photo I should choose and I could tell she didn't love either one but I didn't have enough time to take another so like blegh. Trying to remind myself a "bad" angle doesn't mean I'm a bridge troll and that again this doesn't matter and no body will be staring at it like I have

 

need to find a job that doesn’t take one person calling out to make my day go from hard to impossible

 

I saw my final number at the end of the day and I’m like ah that wasn’t so bad lmao money makes me do stupid shit that’s not even remotely good for me and now I have to come in earlier and probably stay later tomorrow to cover the call out and I’ll be alone Monday on a holiday

 

I went from never really having experienced anyone I loved dying to suddenly having several. My parents were teen parents so all my extended family are young and I just didn't think I'd have to deal with it for a while. My grandma died suddenly of covid right before the vaccines came out, my cousin completed suicide, and my uncle was not feeling well for like a week and he's now on hospice and given two weeks to live. It just feels like big chunks of me are being taken out. I don't live near any of my extended family so it's not a loss that impacts me daily. It's easy to pretend like they're still just out there out of state and I'm none the wiser. But I just feel like the more family members pass, the more fractured and smaller my family feels. My grandma was like the glue and now we're all just splintering off, and it's hard to fathom their stories are ending just like that. I thought I had more time with all of them

 

wasn’t prepared for that insomnia side effect

 

Bupropion hasn’t done much for me over the past few years and I’m finally weaning off of it now with no adverse effects. Seems kinda silly that I was on the highest dose so long when it wasn’t even helping!

 

I’ve felt that with Prozac at times and both times I weaned off I ended up feeling worse (but not right away). Would love to be totally med free though. Good luck!

 

I hate having dreams where I wake up feeling shitty and depressed afterwards. Been having them a lot lately and it just starts those days off so fucking poorly.

 

Yeah this has kind of effected me too, they gave me guanfacine for that and i take my lexapro at night so i can get to sleep but i don’t think im sleeping as well. but that could also be because im smoking less weed, also a side effect if the bupro so who knows

 

I was up at 2am last night feeling like I could run a marathon

 

I don’t have depressing dreams per se but I have very vivid dreams lately and I wake up confused if what was in my dream actually happened and it can throw me off for a few hours. It’s a very weird feeling.

 

The dreams themselves arent inherently depressing. Often fairly mundane or happy even.

 

Really feeling like I just fuck everything up lately, and I don't even know when I'm doing it, so by the time people realize they don't want to be around me, it will be too late to fix it.

 

I'm very sorry for your losses. I lost my last two grandparents recently, it definitely isn't easy.

I mostly saw my grandparents just on holidays, I'm scared of how I'll be able to cope with losing someone who I'm even closer with

 

It's wild like I remember when Taylor swifts evermore album came out I listened to the song Marjorie and remember remarking how grateful I was I hadn't lost my grandmother yet, but several months later she got covid and died and since it was covid times we just had to watch her dead on a webcam in her hospital room for "closure." She always had her hair done but it was so messy and unkempt it didn't even look like her. At least I get to go see my uncle in person this week.

I'm sorry for your losses too. When someone super close to me passes I know I'll be a wreck. like when my dad goes I'll just need to be hospitalized. And if any of my sister die before me (hopefully at old age) I think that'll help me accept death because they're my best friends and life just wouldn't be the same anymore and I'll be ready to go

Sry folks it's a grim labor day weekend for me lol

 

Oh no, I’m not med-free by any means. Even once I’m totally off Buproprion, I’ll still be on Vraylar, Cymbalta, Sunosi, and Lamictal (another one I want to try reducing)

I never had insomnia on bupropion but it did give me very vivid dreams and night terrors at higher doses…definitely don’t miss that

 

Very weird 24 hours, emotionally speaking. I'm just not having any of my needs met right now (especially emotionally) which is likely to be expected to some extent due to the pregnancy and my wife's new job, but I tried to talk to her about it during our date yesterday and pretty much ruined the whole thing.

Then, and this is random and no one will believe me when I say "accidentally" but I accidentally stumbled upon the NSFW account of a girl I went to high school with and am still friends with on social media, which made my brain feel not great.

Then, this morning, I went through some totes in our basement with old books and knick-knacks and found a binder one of my best friends made me in high school with a bunch of poems she wrote for me and pictures of our old group of friends and notes about how we would get married and have kids someday and it's just...it's a lot. I miss my old friends, but I know they've moved on and have lives of their own too. I'm so happy to be married and having a kid. But I miss the simplicity of youth, and I'm so tired of feeling like I'm scrambling to find a "fix" for our relationship when my wife doesn't seem to share any of those same feelings or concerns.

I don't know what to do with all of this information, so sorry for oversharing/running long.

 

In a way I really kinda hate long weekend right now. Its just free time I need to figure out how to kill. I'm so sick of siting alone in my apartment. I just took like a 7 mile walk, and it was nice, but now I'm back and just like, "now what"

 

A seven-mile walk would very much be like thee activity of the day for me lol, would be fixing for a shower and a nap after that