Mental Health Thread • Page 422

They'll soon find out that's not healthy and will lead to problems later.

 

You both make valid points, but I have been on the other side of the equation lately. Haven't ditched anyone, but a lot of single (especially younger) people I am friends with don't really seem to get that while my wife isn't the only thing I care about, she is first, so when it comes to making plans, yes, they're going to revolve around what she's got going on and the things we need to do together - taking care of our animals, the house, etc. Most friends have been really understanding of that. There's just some that don't understand the weight of that, especially when it's already paired with anxiety and depression. One of them will hit me with paragraphs in a text message and I legitimately can't bring myself to respon for a few days because...I have a lot going on.

I'm not planning on ditching anyone if/when I have kids either, but if they're struggling with my priorities now, I feel like it's going to be a rude awakening when those kids legitimately do become my everything.

 

I just feel like absolute shit this past month, like a shell of myself or like I’m sort of detached and just observing. It shouldn’t be this hard for me to respond to texts and focus on work.

 

I feel this 100%. I don't know what you do, but I hope you can recover a little over the next week or two.

 

All that is fine and makes sense and I hope that things get easier/less stressful for you.

Everyone has preferences too, right? So if you want your focus to be solely your spouse, family, whatever, I'm not going to judge that. I'm more talking about the people who make me feel like what I want is wrong because "life doesn't work that way".

I just need to make friends who have similar priorities as me. It just sucks when so many people (at least around me) aren't like that. It's like when my female friends told people they don't want kids and they got harshly judged because they were told "you're being selfish" "but your good years are almost up" and all this nonsense because that's what society expects from them.

Sorry, I'm rambling and now talking about things that aren't really the same, but hopefully someone understands what I mean.

Edit: also I'm glad most your friends are understanding and sorry to hear about the ones that aren't. That can be really difficult to deal with.

 

I assume you all are younger than me, I'll say there is kind of an ebb and flow from what I've seen. People in their late 20's early 30's retreat a little while they're setting up their foundation, and then realize a couple years later that they might've gone too far and miss that friend base they had and start reaching out again more to build it back.

I would hope most people understand that someone's significant other is their top priority and there comes a time when friend's have to take a backseat in order to focus on building that foundation. If they don't, it's necessary to set those expectations and realistic boundaries. But someone that feels the need to abandon all friends and give their partner 100% of their time and energy is probably struggling with their personal identity outside of being in a relationship, and that will come to a head at some point. I've also run across those friends (my weird BFF that I mentioned earlier being one) that needs to make it seems like they are constantly busy and need to lord that over others to make themselves feel better. Like yeah everyone has a fulltime+ job, a family/relationship, responsibilities, it is an effort to maintain friendships and you have to put it some work, but really not that much. Most people are dealing with pretty similar shit, just seeing that an effort is being made is usually enough.

 

My friends are my family so it's important to me.

 

Just want to check in and say that I am that friend that never reaches out and is only popping in with a message to say hello after periods of no contact. I don’t understand how people have social and emotional bandwidths to reach out. I feel exhausted at all hours of the day and every day/week feels like there are only enough hours to get work, life responsibilities, time with my wife, my hobbies into it. But I’m also an introvert who works in a very extroverted field so I’m prob just over exerting myself professionally that takes away from my friendships.

 

I think that's also another thing, some people are introverted, some are extroverts, some are extroverted introverts, etc. Also, if your friends are fine with that and understand that's the person you are then I don't see any problems. People have lives and that's fair.

It's when people are on two completely different pages that gets me or when someone says something like "oh man, we need to hang out more often" and then makes no effort or even when you reach out they just don't respond. That's the kind of stuff that gets me haha.

Life is taxing as fuck and I think it's more about how our culture has shifted over time. They purposely made it so you have less time with friends and social activities. Work is supposed to be one of your top priorities, not living, not love, not friendship.

 

I have literally been on autopilot and done nothing productive since working the Horror Fest and accreditation at work (both in October), but my therapist said that's completely normal considering how much energy those two things took.

 

Dawg, my life has been autopilot since the end of the lockdown. I don't even know how to life anymore.

The second I get done with a project I just zone out and I disconnect myself from reality.

 

december has always been a hard month for me. nostalgia isn’t as fun in real life as it claims to be in film and tv marketing. the holidays always hit me with it hard and i hate it. i want to love the christmas season but the older i get the more i feel like i don’t enjoy it. it just doesn’t feel like it used to. on a personal level and in a lot of ways on a grander scale either.

new year’s eve always feels like a second birthday. just such a distinct marking of the passage of time. it so naturally lends itself to reflection which i hate doing. and i try to look forward with optimism but that’s getting harder too. i feel like i’ve been stuck in neutral for the last decade. after midnight rolls around i simultaneously feel the relief of that holiday passing and life going back to normal, but also sadness because i feel like so little has changed and i don’t really enjoy my normal.

i miss the joy of my youth.

 

This conversation really hits on something I’ve been struggling with all year

I’ve tried typing this post 4 different ways but there’s no way to give all of the context without it being an impossible wall of text. The extremely short version is that a year ago my wife and I moved to the city my best friend has lived in for six years (not because he lives here - it’s just where we chose and him being here was a plus). Best friend like, 23 years, we’re more like brothers best friend. His parents consider me their son and vice versa type best friend. And ever since I’ve been here he’s just been such an oblivious, bad friend. Our relationship has been a bit of a struggle for a while now (this where a lot of that context would go), but this year it’s felt like it’s on fucking life support. And that’s for many reasons, but primarily because he can never seem to make time for us (meaning he and I), and when he does it’s really not quality. Communicating with him about it does not help. Beyond that, the problem is that he’s like one of two people I know here, not including my wife. She and I are great together, but mutually feel it’s been a very lonely year. Our supportive network of friends is 1300 miles away and we’re beginning to wonder why we left.

 

I had to essentially end a friendship with one of my best friends about a decade ago because after a few times of hanging out and getting a weird vibe from him I realized that he was kind of treating the friendship like an obligation all of a sudden.

We’d hang out for like an hour and the tone and atmosphere just felt off and then suddenly it was like, “ok I’m done visiting with you, see you in a few weeks for another hour of hang out time” and I decided to just say fuck it and go our separate ways.

Last few pages/posts made me think of that and not sure why I’m sharing it but it seemed to fit the topic I guess.

 

I feel like I have some friends like that and it's a huge letdown. People grow apart and all that but it's very sad when things just..die like that.

 

I cut off a friend several years ago that I had known since I was 5. She was never a good friend when I look back. She acted like I was going to be the same person as an adult as a kid. She didn’t know the trauma I went through growing up (not that I’d talk to her about it). Basically she’s the type that will say “you complain too much. You’re blessed. You don’t realize all the things you have” bullshit. Not realizing the words coming out of her mouth are completely false


Edit: I was gaslit into thinking I was “spoiled” as a kid just bc my mom bought me one thing. I really didn’t have much. It was always “can’t afford new stuff for everyone. You can have the hand me down. It’s new to you”. This friend also had so much more then me bc I was also gaslit into thinking I had more than her. Just because her parents ended up divorcing.

Double edit. Basic necessities I never had new. Like a bed or dresser. It was always a hand me down from an older sibling who always got something new and I couldn’t because of the “can’t afford new stuff for everyone”. I was never allowed to have it new from the store. Not even once. My bed/mattress and dresser I had to buy myself when I came up with the money. I can go on.

 

Mostly positive post for once: I'm actually in a pretty decent headspace despite still have some lingering seasonal depression on top of "regular" depression. Getting gifts for other people and all of them responding super positively brought me a lot of joy and so did all of the gifts I got from the students I work with. Mostly chocolates and gift cards but I'd be happy with whatever they got me. It just feels nice to have my work be appreciated.

I feel you on this. When I lived with my dad, it was pretty much always like that. Somehow he had money to get everyone else new stuff all the time but whenever I asked for anything, it was usually such a huge fucking problem. And when I had legitimate grievances about anything (like a total fucking piece of shit Nissan Sentra that was legitimately unsafe to drive), I was called "ungrateful".

 

Wife is still testing very faintly positive for COVID on like day 12, so we can't see her family for Christmas Eve. Who knows if we'll be able to do anything tomorrow. The vibes are bad.

 

I know I'm sensitive today, but this site makes me feel like shit sometimes!

 

I haven't really experienced it much on this site (maybe because I'm not as active on here as I was on Absolutepunk), but I do remember a lot of meanness and toxicity on Absolutepunk. Sorry to hear that, Aaron.

 

I always wondered why the item wasn’t good enough for someone else, yet somehow it’s good enough for me. If there it doesn’t work so for someone else because it’s “old”, why give it to me. What’s the purpose.

 

Wife has been feeling ill the past few days and just tested positive for covid. Fucking week from hell over here.

 

I just got overwhelmed with a gigantic wave of loneliness realizing I will never have a romantic partner. It hits a lot harder when every single person I'm close to has one.

I was born wrong to have these awful looks, awful personality and want happiness.

 

One year ago my dad passed away unexpectedly. My wife was the one who found him. I told her NOT to go into his house. We knew he had passed and I didn’t want to see him in this state. I told her to wait for the fire department and the amazing woman that she is she wanted to go in regardless. She thought if he was alive and in trouble/hurt that we could’ve saved him. I think this event has caused her a lot of trauma. She was very upset today. I also feel a lot of regret for not going in with her. I should’ve shared the trauma with her esp since he was my dad. I don’t necessarily regret not seeing him one last time but I absolutely wish I could’ve shared that horrendous experience with her so she wouldn’t be as impacted. He passed in his sleep and no intense physical state but obviously it’s still a lot for a person to witness especially being the first person there.

 

I'm really, really sorry you and your wife had to go through that. My family went through something similar. I had to pronounce a family member as dead and my father couldn't handle it. We all experienced different forms of trauma from it and it was almost five years ago and we are doing much better, but it will present itself every so often. I hate death. A lot. I've also unfortunately experienced quite a bit of it and taking some of that trauma away from my father because he couldn't stomach it was something I wanted to do because I knew just how much it would break him to do it himself. Your wife seems absolutely lovely and there may be a part of her that wanted to shield you from it as well. I'm sure you already thought of this, but everyone processes these things differently and you can't go back in time and change your actions. You did what you thought was best for you in the moment. I'm sure your wife understands that too. You seem very kind for wanting to share that pain with her.