Mental Health Thread • Page 411

I feel a lot better about things today. I was spiraling hardcore yesterday but after talking with my fiancé I have a better outlook. Thank you so much @popdisaster00 for the help.

 

I didn’t do anything! You’ve got this

 

I wish my parents would invite me over. We have a family group text that everyone writes in daily but it feels like it's my responsibility to reach out and I feel like it shouldn't be. I shouldn't have to reach out to my mom to go over her house.

 

My anxiety is fucking jacked today. Usually when I have anxiety, it's like an impending doom feeling, but today, it's like the physical buzzing you get before an anxiety attack. It's probably because work has been stressful and I have a meeting with the Dean this afternoon, but...this is so dumb. The other reason is having to tell my therapist that I didn't wind up pursuing grad school this semester. She was so supportive and said "I know you're gonna be a therapist," which was so incredibly kind of her, but leave it to my brain to let that innocuous, positive comment do psychic damage to me.

 

On top of that, I had to switch from clonazepam to propranolol while doing EMDR therapy, so I don't have something to flip the fight or flight switch off for a few hours. Sucks!

 

I wish Eternal Sunshine-ing was a real thing, I really think that would solve 90% of my problems

 

CW: emotional abuse

Therapist really opened my eyes to some things today about my current situation. I love my wife dearly, I sympathize with her OCD and I would do anything for her to be happy/feel better, but I can't constantly set myself aside because that isn't helping either of us. And even if she isn't in the driver's seat when her OCD steers her into an aggressive or mean-spirited mood, I need to call it what it is and be firm about the way it's making me feel. Then, I need to let her decide how to handle it. I can't always be the one apologizing or trying to make her feel better. It simply isn't healthy.

 

Any fellow ADHD folks or anyone really any mental health stuff going on, be mindful of your weed usage. I was not and started getting into dabs and then dabbing like 10 plus times a day all under the guise that it was helping me when it really wasn't. Been doing that over the past few months and then with an increase in caffeine and stress at work, I was not able to get full asleep and then waking up every few hours and having to dab to get back to bed. Almost passed out from a dab and then a few days later had some really dark thoughts creep in and scared the fuck out of me. So I have been doing a hard taper down on my THC and then looking at T-Break or going to CBD dabs that have less than 1% of THC in them. The "withdrawals" from such high THC usage was surprising but also the flood of emotions was immense and actually being able to feel myself and feel more like the captain of my ship. I am almost a week out from this and still having a some issues sleeping but with such less THC in my system and not smoking before sleeping I am actually getting more restful sleep some days. I am in no way anti-weed but I think consistent, daily high THC usage is not great for folks or at least it was not for me.

Such high usage actually counteracts my ADHD meds and I found out that you don't get into REM sleep at all when using so much as well.

 

There's a giant airbag recall going through right now. They're talking about how these air bags basically shoot shards of metal into your face and body and it's killed a mother in the US and one of the car manufacturers affected is Hyundai which I own, but they haven't given a list of actual models so that's freaking me out. Through this whole story I found out you can go to a website that checks for all vehicle recall programs for all cars and mine apparently had one like a few years ago and I don't think mine has ever been taken care of.

The whole reason why I'm bringing this up is because I just want to drive my car, man. I get that every day humans do stuff that might hurt you or kill you and some things are just chance and bad luck, but damn, I'm just trying to go grab food. I don't want to worry about this shit. My anxiety is bad and I just can't believe how dangerous everything seems to be. Your orange juice is bad for you, your sink is bad for you, your clothes are bad for you, your medication is bad for you. It's just too much sometimes.

 

Definitely get it replaced. If it’s an older model or you live in a higher humidity area especially.
I worked for the airbag recall company up until 2 years ago, if you have any questions let me know

 

Yeah I def feel you on not “feeling yourself” from high usage. It’s definitely my coping mechanism with a very stressful job. I’ve rationalized if by “it’s better than drinking” but I’ve slipped in to having a beer a night with some being 2 in a night (ranging between 5% and 10%, so more like 2-3 beers really). I could do for a T-Break too or scaling back. But so far smoking has been the only thing to quiet the noise in my brain from work.

 

Totally feel this as well man and we have definitely talked a bit about this. Drinking has never by my number 1 vice so I was able to get that moderated this year after years of over usage and it causing some health issues. Weed has been my vice of choice since I was a teen, so its the hardest thing for me. I justified it as well but then it became during work and just over done, so my brain let me know for sure. I think even finding lower THC products that are higher in those other things is key, even just mixing in that with regular higher THC stuff is even working for folks online. My goal is to eventually get my weed vice into something similar to how I treat alcohol or just stick to these lower THC products and go from there. I can give you the information on the place I am using for higher CBD/very low THC dabs, they are Michigan based company and have test results available for their stuff. I got some yesterday of the Sour Sauver with .15% THC and it was a really refreshing experience.

Try Yoga after work, at the start the noise was still there for me but the stretching helped a ton and then the focus on breathing has started to quiet the noise a bit. I also thought some of this stuff was hokey but it helps. The subreddit Petioles helped me through this, its more of subreddit for responsible usage of weed rather than Leaves, which is almost weed is the devil like.

 

Yeah I need to get back into yoga. I was thriving in early pandemic doing yoga everyday. I had cut out drinking until I moved to Ypsi and stress spiked lol. I do only smoke at night because I want to go do non-work stuff if I smoke during the day so I can’t do it. But that leads me to like a dab an hour at night since our neighbors complained of a weed smell, so we’re doing mostly dabs.

also I’m typing this on the way to the UP beer fest with like 10 joints in the car with us.

 

Enjoy the Beer Fest and the joints lol! I have always wanted to go to the UP one! Yeah if you are having to do dabs then, look into some of the CBD/Low THC stuff. I read about folks that also mix in CBD/CBN/CBG into regular dabs to give them more of the other stuff and cut down on the THC. Just some thoughts as it seems there is few methods out there to change things up and get some of the other compounds along with it which seems to help out people.

 

Driving is terrifying. I get it.

 

Yeah we have a new gummy coming out that is a blend of THC/CBD/cbn which I’m excited to get my hands on.

UP beer fest is the best one to go to. Winter is the second best but you can’t beat Marquette in September 65 degree weather.

 

Could also put this in the travel thread but feel like it fits here more due to most of this post is just a weird way I comprehend things.

I’m going to Maine in a couple weeks, haven’t been there in almost 20 years and I should be really excited but just kind of not. In a way it doesn’t seem like I’m actually going to be there in a few weeks and I feel like the last few years of traveling I’ve had this same feeling each time.

I don’t know why but I kind of feel like I don’t “deserve” to go and/or I’m at a point in my life where I could literally go whenever I wanted or wherever I wanted. When I was younger, I remember saving up scraps from end of the week paychecks and saving for weeks or months and deciding with friends or going solo where I wanted to go and not that it made those trips “better” but it just felt like there was more of a build up to it. And maybe back then it was different because I didn’t get to travel very often so each trip did feel like a huge experience. And maybe part of it is getting old and cynical lol

idk. I know the trip will be fun and I’ll enjoy myself but I think it’s the weird knowing that almost anyone could go anywhere they want (very generic statement and I’ll focus it more on white people in America at least). Many many years ago I went to Hawaii on a whim for 10 or so days WHILE HAVING NO JOB and I just charged everything to a credit card. Smart? Fuck no lol. But part of me was like, “holy shit, if you have a credit card and don’t care about debt for awhile or whatever, you can go anywhere”. I used to think of Hawaii as some major unattainable dream vacation spot and suddenly there I was, laying on a beach day after day and in my head it was totally, “the fuck is this? I don’t “deserve” to be here. I wonder who else is here with a lot of debt to do so?”

long rambling post that’s probably a bit incoherent. I’m sure I’m looking back at vacations when just out of high school and college with rose tinted glasses and what total first world problems I have with my tiny violin to complain that vacations seem “boring” because I don’t have to save up for months or years, oh woe is me. I get it, I do lol

 

I sort of relate to this in that I miss the feeling of being free and having fun. Feels really hard to get that kind of dopamine hit these days. Everything just *exists* and things that should make me really HAPPY just kind of happen and my mood stays really even, not dipping down or shooting up. Life is boring.

 

Kind of a rough week for me. I was in the depression PHP (M-F 8:30-3) for 7 weeks, and then my insurance forced me to move down to IOP (M-F 8:30-11:30) 2 weeks early. Now I have to figure out how to structure my afternoons while in IOP for the next few weeks (or until my insurance denies coverage). There is also a big decision weighing on me. I’m currently on leave from my teaching credential program. My leave ends in December. I need to decide whether to return to the program in January or put that on hold and find a job. The reason I went on leave was the toll the program, especially the student teaching aspect, was taking on my mental health, so I’m anxious about going back. I think I’d rather pursue something different at least for now. But my resume isn’t very strong, so I think the chances of landing something I’m interested in are slim .

Aside from that, I’ve had 6 Spravato treatments and unfortunately haven’t seen the results I was hoping for. It’s been a cool experience but hasn’t really transferred to real life. Then, my mom had a bad fall yesterday and hurt her knee. It’s unclear what the extent of the injury is without having an MRI, but it seems pretty bad.

I had had some hope going into the program and starting the Spravato. The program’s been good, but my progress has kind of stagnated, and the Spravato hasn’t helped much, so I’m not really sure where to go from here.

 

I work from home 4 days a week and my boss is great and leaves me alone / knows I get my work done, doesn’t smother and yet, knowing that my boss is on vacation this entire week I feel like a teenager left home alone for the first time lol.

And I get this way every time my boss is gone. It doesn’t really change the day or my work ethic or anything but idk something about just knowing my boss is gone is a weird stress relief even though they have always had my back and never pulled any shit.

 

I don’t think being happy was ever in the cards for me

 

Tough mental health day today. Really considering taking off work but I don’t think it would make me feel better anyway. Might as well work depressed.

 

Slept through most of last weekend. I’ve been feeling shittier the past couple weeks. A bummer because I felt like I was making some progress prior to that.

 

I think I reached a breaking point and I can’t keep living like this, I’m falling apart.

 

There is no positive value I bring to anybody in my life. I should really just jump off a bridge tomorrow.