Food • Page 562

It almost doesn't matter. Free food is the best food

 

It probably isn't bad but it just looks lazy

Like I can see how the taste would work (especially since chocolate covered bacon surprisingly works well) but just the way it looks makes it seem like they didn't know what to do so they shoved bacon in it last second

 

now it's guitars, cadillacs, hillbilly music

 

You're learning

 

i already knew mr tx

 

Yeah the fact that is bacon from Burger King and a sundae from Burger King is not promising

 

As per @dhayes request I’m going to be reviewing the Bacon King but I feel like it’s kind of asinine to review it by itself since it’s not particularly outlandish. So, instead, I’ve devised a new segment I’m going to call Nicolas Cage’s Face/Off. In this new segment I will compare shitty foods with other shitty foods and try not to descend into meat madness.

Today’s episode: Bacon King vs. The Baconator (Spoilers: The Baconator wins)



Round 1: Name

Bold fucking move to call yourself the Bacon King. But you know what’s bolder? Calling yourself the Baconator. King is civilized. Ator is not. The Bacon King boasts 6 pieces of bacon, I think I counted like 3 and a half. And it was definitely microwave bacon which is just thin, translucent, bacon flavored wax paper, which is still pretty good all things considered. The Baconator also makes the claim of having 6 pieces of bacon but Wendy’s has the goddamn self-respect to use real-looking bacon.

Edge: Baconator

Round 2: Taste

Look, I know that I’m eating something that only needs to appeal to the basest, most carnal, and self-loathing portion of my soul so I shouldn’t expect much but I still always hope, in my heart of hearts, that the momentary pleasure of eating something with enough calories to feed a child from conception to college age will last longer than the 15 or so odd minutes it takes to shovel it into my mouth. I’m just always searching for that next Smoke Mountain and maybe it’s out there or maybe it’s been in front of me the whole time, in the joy we’ve shared discussing food, in our playful banter, in the gifs.

What the fuck am I talking about?

Oh right, why the fuck do both of these burgers have just ketchup and mayonnaise on them? I appreciate that both Burger King and Wendy’s said fuck it to anything that didn’t come from a cow or a pig and I guess maybe the testers decided there needed to be some sort of extra lube besides grease to ensure the burgers make it down our gullets with ease, but there was like way too fucking much of each and it made the whole even more shameful and messy than it already was. Maybe the mayo was an attempt to include all the major animals. Mayo is made with eggs, right?

Wendy’s has better meat though.

Edge: Baconator

Round 3: Departure from Companies Food Norms

This seems like a pretty safe move for Burger King. After the increasing mania of their latest outputs a tried and true bacon burger maybe rights the ship for a while. Before this, Wendy’s seemed pretty sane when compared to its fast food brethren. The Baconator, at the time, seemed like the gimmicky shit that only the King and his drug dealing Cheetah friends, or the employees of Taco Bell, high on acid, would dream up. But instead The Baconator somehow managed to not just be a one-off but is now a staple and has spawned a legion of stupid ass decisions after it. Dave is probably turning in his grave. He is dead, right?

Edge: Baconator

Round 4: Citation of Sources

You know I know you copied this burger, Burger King. Were you even trying to make it look like your own? You didn’t even rearrange the sentences. And where is your Works Cited page? Come to think of it, one of the previous things you turned in, The Big King, reminds me of another student's paper…

Winner by TKO: The Baconator

Final Thoughts:
I’d like to leave you with the President of Burger King, Alex Macedo’s, sweet, beautiful, naive statement on the Bacon King, “We didn’t hold back with the BACON KING™ sandwich. Six strips of bacon, four slices of cheese and two big beefy flame-grilled patties. The BACON KING™ sandwich makes meat-lovers’ dreams a reality. We know our guests are going to put this burger into heavy rotation.” Thanks for making our dreams a reality, Alex. And I assume he shouted “Bacon King” and then whispered “tm” because that’s how it was formatted.

 

Holy shit @Justice Beaver. You really have a talent for these reviews. Get the costume. Start the vlog.

 

needs pictures.

 

Thanks! That actually means a lot.

I've always like half entertained the idea of trying to collect them and do something more with them but I always talk myself out of it.

 

Yeah Beav is great at these.

 

A legend. Glad the vlog idea is in good hands.

 

I'm a Nic Cage fan.

 

Con Air was great

 

I have a nicolas cage cardboard cutout in my living room. It's small so we put it on top of our Christmas tree last year.

 

Raising Arizona is better.

 

Max Bemis Raising Arizona. Everyone knows about this right?

 

denny's should have a nic cage themed menu

 

It's annoying when people think I'm joking and I'm dead serious.

 

Holy shit. I did not know this until I just Googled it now.

 

the ratings are in and we have another hit. congratulations beaver. i'll send a bundle of high quality wood to your post office box.

 

Trying to think of movies I've seen with Nic Cage. Raising Arizona, Ghost Rider, The Sorcerers Apprentice...

 

The Rock

 

Couldn't have done it without your production work.

 

I want to go get sushi with my sister tonight in Cincy but idk where to go. Bleh.