(Reasons We're Probably Not) Dating Or In A Relationship Thread NSFW • Page 172

I always felt like I didn't get over relationships "right" cause I get over it too quickly. Well I think I tend to get over people fast, but not what they've done to me. I can cut off that emotional tie really quickly. When I was in an abusive situation I wasn't ready to leave even tho I was presented with the "choice" I guess a few times, but the moment I was done I was done and felt nothing towards him. Idk. I guess it's nice cause I tend not to go through the crying bouts or toxic on/off again thing but I think I sever that emotional tie so easily cause I compartmentalize and that's not healthy either

 

Since I'm currently dealing with this I might as well ask: to those of you that have ever ended a relationship after living with the other person for an extended amount of time, what were some helpful things you did to re-adjust? At times I feel just so lost without my routines and the space we shared, the things we collected over the years that meant something to us and us alone. I think that's the hardest thing I face day to day and I've never had to deal with it before. I know I need to give it time but sometimes I just feel really helpless and lost.

 

Since I still live with him for now I'm going to go with the glitter hahah

I'm sorry. I feel this a lot, and that's the perfect way to put it. Since we still live together it DOES still seem normal. It's really hard because I'm then confronted with situations where I realize hard and fast that it is not normal and that everything has changed.

 

Start doing/buying things that they never liked. If your ex didn't like crunchy peanut butter, for example, you can start buying that instead of creamy. It's a small way of expressing your separation from them and can be pretty satisfying to indulge in things you like but didn't get to do/have as much when you were together.

It also helps when you stop finding their hair.

 

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. Today has really sucked but this thread has made me feel slightly better. I appreciate all the advice and kind words. It means a lot in such a shitty time.

You all have been very welcoming.

 

This will be my first break up after having lived together, so it's a new frontier for me as well. So yeah I'm know it's gonna be tough/weird coming home to nobody for a bit. But I think @ChaseTx is dropping some serious helpful knowledge right here. When I feel like I'm thinking too much about all the depressing parts about what's going on, I try to level things out by focusing on the freedom that comes with myself being the only person I have to answer to for a while.

Small example: She buys all kinds of kitchen stuff whenever she sees a good deal or something she just thinks cool looking. Nothing wrong with that- just not my style. But yeah, our kitchen pantries are stocked full of shit we never use. We have 3 fucking crock pots. So, one of the things I'm most looking forward to is stocking my own kitchen with like the bare essentials and leaving it at that. The thought having more control of those stupid little life details definitely helps take the edge off.

 

That's the best feeling when you're just living for yourself again. My ex sold my ps2 right before we broke up and it had a lot of sentimental value for me + he had a lot of financial control over me and I remember it feeling awesome when I earned enough from my job to buy another ps2 myself + games cause he sold those too. Then when he called me and swore he'd pay me back/buy me another blah blah I was like HA! Too late!

Plus I started posting on AP again cause I don't think he would've liked me being on it, so y'all got to be reblessed with my posts!!

 

the distance thing is way hard but i do think this will pay off in the long run

 

I wish I could see the positive side like you guys are encouraging. But right now literally nothing seems like a plus.

 

if we are on the topic of exes doing mean things well my ex took my favorite game on the wii and snapped it and took a picture of it and sent it to me.

I was heartbroken because I never got to finish the game.

rip dead rising wii version you were to good for me

 

When people destroy their exes stuff alarm bells go ringing off in my head.

 

Expect to make some mistakes. I would expect most people won't go through many breakups as tough as the one you've mentioned and everyone makes mistakes the first time they do anything.

 

At first, nothing really does. I remember I dated a girl for nearly 8 years (friends for even longer), and the pain just kind of sat in the pit of my stomach. The only thing that helped was that I still had myself, and the hope that time would inevitably make the pain fade away. So that's all you can really do now, live your life, and wait. While it's hard to believe now, trust me, time will mend the pain.

 

Jesus- what a dickblast. Glad ya came out on top rubbed his face in it.

I know it's probably been said and I know it sucks but you just have to lean in to it. It's going to hurt like goddamn motherfucking shit for awhile- you have to let it. Try to think of it as a cleansing. Ever been sick? Think of a time when you've been super fucking sick and up all night and miserable and hating everything. Then think about that first morning you woke up and you felt better. I think that's one of the absolute best feelings, but you can't get there without being miserable first. Sure you might not be feeling amazing yet, but within the context of what you just went through, the entire world just looks better than ever. After you go through this, I know your ability to live and enjoy your life will be enhanced exponentially. Ya just have to get through it- and you will.

 

Pro breakup advice: a few months afterwards listen to kelly clarkson's Sober on repeat and marvel at how awesome and strong u are

 

I found a mantra to say to myself to remind myself that things couldn't have been any different than they were. When I walked, I lost the entire life I'd had and the entire future I'd planned on in the span of an hour. It was the right choice, but that's why I liken ending a long term relationship to death-related grief. I was 22 (a baby, but I didn't feel that way then) and had to start over from scratch.

In retrospect, I appreciated the "firsts" a lot. Each one was painful - thank god I wasn't aware of HIS firsts without me - but there was a palpable change on the first anniversary of the breakup because there were no more firsts. It was this huge relief. That isn't to say I never get twinges anymore - I do. Because of the nature of that relationship, it's possible I always will. But it doesn't hurt the way they used to.

I don't know how helpful it necessarily is, but the answer I'd give you is to find anything and everything to distract you/keep you busy and try to find a set of words you can use to gently say to yourself to snap yourself out of it when the self-pity gets especially bad, but remember that it's okay to not be okay. And look forward to the first hour, the first day you get through without thinking about them. Because it WILL happen if you want it to.

I truly believe that the reason people make no progress in moving on once someone is technically out of their life is because they don't truly WANT to move on. It's understandable, but we have more power over recovery than we think we do.

 

Day 1 of being single. I talked to this person pretty much everyday for the past 5 1/2 years. It feels weird to not text them or expect a text or call.

 

My first true heartbreak occurred when I was a eighteen or nineteen. Afterwards, I didn't really know what to do with myself. One day, I was walking downtown and came across a Marxist collective. I was a socialist at that point, but I had never actually acted upon my beliefs. I decided to sign on with them, not necessarily because I was super radical or something, rather, it was because I needed something to do with the empty time in my life. The pain was still there for a while, however, I met new people, travelled, got involved in various things, etc., which gave me new experiences that redefined my life along lines that put it in my control and which made me genuinely happy. I can remember the day I realized that there was no emotion left for the relationship and I happened to be at a march against the war; it was as though that energy was absorbed into my new commitments. Now I'm not saying that this experience is true for everyone, nor is it an advertisement for politics; rather, I share it because I think one of the more fundamental things that allow one to get past heartbreak is carving out new spaces that invariably overtake the old spaces where the attachment lies. It is in that process where one can fully grasp their personal possibilities and act as they see fit.

 

This is great advice, advice that I second now that you mention it - throwing myself into my writing and journalism/activism (basically, finding a new purpose) left far less room for wallowing in grief.

I think the principle is probably the same across the board. It's just what that purpose IS that'll change from person to person.

 

^^definitely echo this advice. After my last break-up I just threw myself into things that occupied my time. I was already a full time student (at the time), but wen't and got a part time job and started doing freelance writing/photography for the school paper, local blogs, etc. grieving the end of that time in your life but not really affording yourself too much time to dwell really worked for me.

also I watched every available episode of Parks and Rec in like a day. it's a weird fond memory I have from a time that wasn't so great

 

I had a break up after college where I had to also deal with unemployment which made my depression even worst. So yeah, having something to do helps, cause I had nothing to do and it was terrible.

 

Well I don't have anything to do for another 2 weeks until school starts again.

So yeah I've definitely been a walking pity party just wallowing in pity at the place we live together....
I just don't have the strength to do much more.
That's depression for ya.

The cherry on top is that he went behind my back (we're supposed to be friends?) and signed a lease with someone. I have been trying to get us to move out of his parent's house for years and he never could afford it, but now apparently without a job he's able to sign a lease with some other girl.
And he wants to say "I regret everything I hate this all but it's too late" well no shit you made your bed now lie in it.

 

@supernovagirl I don't get that last sentence at all.

Also, does that mean you're stuck living with his parents??

 

What do you mean?
I just mean that he is now saying he regrets what he's done (though not the break up I guess) and that he isn't happy but it's too late because he already signed the lease.

And no, I am moving back in with my mom for the time being but the physical act of separating and packing up all of our stuff and moving it is too much for one person (me) so nothing has really happened yet.
Also reminder that I wanted to work things out and was still holding on hope that we would reconcile so I wasn't exactly jumping to pack and leave.