(Reasons We're Probably Not) Dating Or In A Relationship Thread NSFW • Page 158

yeah I get all clammy and gross lol. It takes me about 3 months to be my normal self. I'm reserved and want the other person to show their cards first and once I find out about them and feel comfy around them then I start becoming a normal functioning human person.

 

I'm still waiting to be cut off every time I don't talk to her for a few hours. It's extreme highs when we're talking and panic when we're not.

 

@iam1bearcat what do you mean when you say you don't partake in that part of the relationship? how does the relationship progress if you both aren't in it?


(Tone is hard to read here, so I'm going to just be clear and let you know I'm asking honestly cause I'm not sure what you mean by that part of your post. Don't want this to be read more negatively than I intended.)

 

my post was probably not very well written or explained in a logical manner.

i just meant that those opening weeks/months of the "puppy dog love" syndrome don't take place for me because i don't really feel those emotions / don't let that stage of a relationship happen. you know, the hang out all day every day, the any and all calls or texts make you smile and happy and you always hope it's them calling or texting, the "there's always on my mind" stages where nothing really gets done and you can't focus on anything because the girl or guy you've started dating has taken up every single millimeter of space in your mind and life.

i don't have those. i make sure we keep our distance, only see each other for a few hours a week and never more than two days in a row. i don't get caught up in three hour phone calls (understanding this has now been exchanged for texts), or endless all day random texting conversations. no "lazy weekends" or whatever the hell a "netflix session" is where you stay in and only see that person.

we still get to know each other, but in and at the allotted time. i don't let the "takeover" happen of a new relationship (i.e. where it seems like they are your entire world and you begin to find a balance weeks or months later).

 

Got you. Sounds like a lot of rules.

 

that makes me laugh because you have no idea. there are a lot of rules. and it's weird because 90% of my relationships start as friends first, so they see how i am in a relationship and they know the rules and quirks and yet still incorrectly decide they want to get together. add in that i'm never friends with an ex and it makes it even more puzzling to me.

additionally, i should add that i have a very low self-esteem 50% of the time, while the other 50% being terribly narcissistic, so when someone says they "love" me - or even when they want to be with me - i can't help but wonder what is wrong with them that they would make such bad life choices.

 

You sound like a drag.

 

I've been reading the past few pages and could we please refrain from making other people feel bad for their personal preferences in relationships? It's OK to disagree but we can do so without resorting to comments that are really mean or condescending. If anyone is actually breaking website rules, please report. But remember everyone has their own ways of living their life and unless they're being abusive/disrespectful or otherwise problematic in any manner, I don't see the issue. Just don't want anyone to feel like they can't post their thoughts without harsh judgment. Thanks.

 

Yeah I really don't know what I'm doing at all anymore

 

Interesting. What's the rationale for 'thinking it but not saying it'? Why not just say what you're thinking/feeling when you think/feel it?

 

You can say it, but personally I wouldn't want a guy to tell me he loves me like 3 months in to our relationship, it would frighten me and mentally fuck me up even more. That's why I say it depends on the people. Everyone is different and prefers different lengths of time for "I love you/in love with you" to be said. If I was dating a guy and he told me he loved me 2 months into the relationship, I probably would end it. He would hardly know anything about me at that point. If he knew me inside and out, I doubt he would be dropping those words. There are certain things I don't share with people, ever, not even my close friends. Things that are super super difficult for me to talk about and afraid to talk about. Things I consider a big factor that determines if the guy truly loves me. I don't even know if I could open up about it a year into the relationship because of the fear that he would leave me, and I'd be more damaged because I don't feel I'm capable of being loved because of it. Thats why I prefer 2 years for a guy to say that to me. Not saying 2 years is for everyone. If I can be shown the love, that will be okay for me for the time being, but the words pretty much seal the deal and theres no take-backs.

Also I see too many people throw around the word "love" to their SO, like every new person they date, less than a month in to the relationship they say "I love this person so much!!!" I don't think thats "real love" but more like "puppy love" that iam1bearcat described

 

It feels like you should know it and say it within a few months if you expect the relationship to continue much further. Otherwise it would feel like a long very casual relationship

 

I don't understand how someone can be so "in love" with a person after a few months, like what you even know about them in a short amount of time. Its like an episode of The Bachelor/ette, they film over what two months and these people are like "I'm so in love with them." blah blah blah. I think it takes longer than that to fall in true love.

 

I don't get that. What information are you really missing after spending probably hundreds of hours together in a few months? It seems like if you're willing to put that much time into something it must be important to you, and if you're not willing to express that in words, it contradicts the effort you put in and imo sabotages the relationship.

 

You know, I don't disagree. Like imo two years is a bit long for me, but a few months is so quick too. Like if you love someone you love someone and say it whatev, but for me personally I can't really fall for someone that deeply that fast. It takes me a few months to even be like oh this is getting a bit serious/committed let alone thinking about love. But I also have issues so idk lol

 

Plus it's not like it's some irreversible huge step like moving in together or something. People fall out of love too and that's fine.

 

That makes it sound like you're with them 24/7 and none of you work because you're always together. Like I say over and over and over... it depends on the people. A guy would not know the major things about me in a few months in order to truly love me. Am I going to open up to him about my darkest secrets at the 2nd date? Fuck no! If y'all want to throw "love" around to every girl you date, then thats on you, and I hope I don't date a guy thinks the same way because that will do some serious damage to me mentally. If he can show me he loves me, thats good, I don't want to hear "I love you/in love with you" at month 3, because he doesnt know jack shit what he's talking about.

 

I think part of when to tell your SO you love them is a lot about the right opportunity to do so.

Don't be like me and tell her you love her on the phone when she calls because she's afraid she barfed out the plan b and you are drunk outside a club where you were dancing with some girl.

 

I have issues too, so thats why I say 2 years max (for me not saying it should be the same for everyone), and maybe 6 months min to a year. From what I see people seem to be "in love" with every person they date, and I'm like, how? You don't know them on that level. And like you said, it takes a while for things to start getting more serious. I'm just really weird about this topic.

 

this is like if Judd Apatow directed Entourage

 

Maybe thats why theres so many divorces? Maybe people thought they were in love when they weren't? People rushed into things too quickly, told their SO they loved them on the 2nd date... and they fell "out of love" because they weren't meant for each other in the end

 

Yeah for me it takes about six months cause like I mentioned earlier the first 3 months are me being a sweaty panicky mess lol and then I finally start opening up and spending more time together and it gets more real lol. It prob depends on pacing too tho. When I first start seeing someone we just grab food periodically, whereas I know others who spend all their free time together immediately so I can see them having a deeper connection faster.

but tbh I'm kind of jealous of ppl who fall in love quickly lol. Like I'd love to feel that unguarded and open so easily. I think it's kinda nice.

 

I think it's more because saying a relationship doesn't work can feel like giving up so it's hard to admit that, so people delay ending things, or they think "I don't love them yet but soon I'm sure I will"

 

My parents dated for 6 months and their 36th anniversary is in November. It's stupid to put a specific time limit on it.