Mental Health Thread • Page 22

Im terrified of facing myself and my problems. I have been my whole life, but my problems are accumulating and the wiser i get and the more i understand why and how to navigate through these phases, instead of using it, I seem to just bury my head in the sand further and further with my means of numbing and self medication (fortunately without drinking or drugs, just assloads of movies, tv series, and immersing myself in worlds other than my own) just to avoid that new wisdom I've obtained so i don't have to face it. The picture is a great depiction of my mind right now.https://media.giphy.com/media/IagvD28f6mcoM/giphy.gif

I just typed a lot of shit out with my problems that I've been going through for the past couple years and also all of the great things that have come into my life that I'm overwhelmed with because i want to learn so many different things, but thats really not important so i deleted it. I'm just so inundated with things from every direction i don't know even know where to start repairing and building up again.

I have so many grandiose aspirations and i have no time to be doing this shit anymore. I have a huge upcoming new phase of my life that will probably destroy me, and I'm afraid of the accountability and discipline I'm going to have to have for it. The stress that the path i want to be on will provide will be ten times better than the depression I'm in right now. Im aware. Its just so hard to go all in and cross the threshold when i know how much shit I'm going to have to juggle and the amount of sacrifice that will have to happen. I don't think i need any advice unless you have some. I know everybody experiences this and i know my situation is no more special than anybody else, really just need to get some shit out since I'm a lonely fuck who doesn't have anybody close to talk to at all.

 

i've been lucky enough to be blessed with a great cousin who cuts hair professionally. granted, paying $30 for a 10 minute haircut every 5 weeks sucks, but it's much better than the alternative of the random stranger awkward small-talk. another downside is never being able to move to another city until she retires from cutting hair because i don't want to have to make that new hair stylist connection.

 

I'm laid off for the summer and I filed for unemployment but my anxiety took over and I never followed up and got it. So I told my family that I did so they wouldn't shame me and get on my case. Luckily for me I'm a great saver and I should be able to make it to my return to work date in august without even touching my savings. I just hope none of them ask me for help on filing claims in the future oop! I'll just feign dumbness and pretend like I don't remember how I did it lol. This has been another episode of kiana makes bad decisions. Love when anxiety causes me to lose money. Isn't the first time and prob won't be the last!

 

Awww my old boss called me to tell me there's an opening but it's too late cause I go back to work in a month! He said he'd save me a spot for next summer. I sign up for their monthly newsletters and he said they wrote me a message inside of the one they just sent out saying they miss me. I haven't worked there in like 2 years! It always picks me up tho to know that they miss me and like me a lot and want me back all the time. It's nice to feel appreciated. Positive mental health story

 

Last night, I took my brother out to dinner so we can avoid small loud children coming to our house for dinner and because he was attending a Rifftrax. After the movie and dessert, he started getting really angry in the car and started screaming about how he wanted to die, how he was a big failure, how therapy and medication were being useless, and how the world never gave a shit about him. I tried not to say anything and just took a longer route home so he could scream and rant it out of his system before we got home and worry our parents.

I wish I knew how I can help because he's clearly self-loathing and unfortunately his next appointment for his medication refill isn't for another week.

 

I'm kind of just feeling miserable. It's hard because I've been sick (mentally and physically) to the point where I can't work since I got off Zoloft back in late November. It sucks not being able to afford things, whether it be hanging out with friends, going to events, or just buying something for myself or my girlfriend. The only time I get stuff or to do stuff is when my girlfriend pays for it at this point. I feel kinda bad for being an expense for her already, and then she'll pay for extra stuff too.

 

Having a really, really rough night after having a week or so of no issues. Can't really put everything in a post I just need a space to express that things are very hard and I wish that I could change my personality to be more likable.

 

I have battled depression for the last 10 years of my life. When I started dating my ex girlfriend, all of my problems seemed to melt away. I was working on becoming a better person, improving myself mentally and physically, and all around in general. My ex has been suffering from depression as well, so for the first time in my life, I felt like I could talk to someone about how I was feeling and not feel judged, and she just loved me for me which helped so much, because I never in my life felt like anyone really loved me.

But, she moved an hour away after she graduated college, and she got wrapped up in her job. She forced herself to work long hours and to do extra work for no reason, and she seemed like slowly she became distant and disinterested in us, and naturally, being the fuck up I am, I tried to ignore it. We never fought, so things never came to a head or anything, but I realized that I wanted to do something special for her for Christmas, so I bought her tickets to see The Cure in Atlanta this past Friday in November of last year. But on Thanksgiving, she broke up with me in her backyard, and she has never given me an explanation why. I have went completely downhill. I have gain 30 pounds, sunk more and more into depression every single day, and I have to take antidepressants just to be able to get through school/work.

But on top of all these things, I had a bout with cancer and I ended up losing a testicle, and my Grandfather go misdiagnosed with the wrong type of cancer last September, and when he went in for his checkup, he found out he only had 6 weeks to live. He passed away in April, and every single day has been an absolute struggle knowing that he deserved to live more than I do. But, the one thing that hurts more than anything else is that I held onto those Cure tickets hoping that my ex would realize what she had done was dumb, and so those tickets kind of became a symbol of hope for me. I would look at them occasionally and just wish for something good to happen, and the hardest thing I had to do was realize that the concert was over, I looked at the setlist, and they had played our song, and I just threw the tickets in the trash.

I just needed to tell someone all of this because it has been weighing me down for the last week.

 

I hate handwriting only because mine is so ugly. Why not just make a blog and link it here?

 

Question for everyone in this thread
1. How/When did you realize you had it?
2. What convinced you to finally get help?

 

I do sometimes lol like I still have a LiveJournal account that I set to private and use when I'm more emotional. Sometimes I write it all out here and delete it. I like writing cause it's more private. Like I don't mind sharing quite a bit on here but some stuff I'd rather keep to myself! Plus I really like pens that write well and I wanna excuse to use one

 

Ah. Given how slow and ugly I write and being on-the-go I usually just do it on my phone (Notes). It is less fancy and I lose the benefit of using colored and fancy pens but it is more practical because I usually get the urge to write while in transit.

New work in 4 hours and I couldn't sleep for some reason. YOLOOO.

 

Does anyone else ever get the urge to curl up in a ball and cry after too much social interaction, even if the interaction went fairly well? No? Just me lol? I always get so depressed after. I'm fine with one on one but any more than that for too long and I just need to be by myself.

 

You're not alone there. Taking time out to be by yourself is important too

 

I was in college for way too long because I wasn't managing my mental health properly, and now that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's so awful to look back on the past 8+ years of unchecked depression and anxiety and how much of that time was just lost. Like I'm 23, so I figure half my memories would be from the first 11 years of my life and the other half would be from the past 11 years, but the latter is just a blur because there's just not that much to remember since I wasted so much of my time being pathetic.

I don't really know what any of that means. I just want to move out so I can finally start going to therapy again.

 

I feel mentally exhausted after extended periods of time with groups. I remember I had a couple great weekends in Vegas and San Diego with good friends, but by the end of both those trips I just wanted to watch tv by myself or sleep in my own room by myself ha. Socializing can be really draining, even if it's with cool people.

 

How Therapy Became A Hobby Of The Wealthy, Out Of Reach For Those In Need

 

for anxiety honestly since I was 7 I would get nightmares from so many books and movies and never learned to ride a bike because I was scared I'd fall off
OCD has been more recent because I never fully understood what it meant because there are so many ableist jokes about it

as for therapy my parents encouraged it before I was personally ready, it's only been the past few years that I've been able to see how it can help me and probably the past year or few months that I've been trying to figure out who I am and what's best for me not just for everyone else

 

1. I realized I had depression (and anxiety) when I was about 15 and had spent every day of the past year thinking about killing myself.

2. I decided to get help when I was about 19. I think I decided to get help because at that point I was entirely resolved to kill myself, with both the means and an exact plan. I had virtually no hope left, but I figured I might as well try something before offing myself because I owed that much to my family.

To my incredible surprise, the help worked, and somehow a tiny little pill saved my life. When I think about it now, it strikes me as almost unreal how close I was to just ending it all. I'm usually pretty glad I didn't.

 

its my bday today and both my roommates and all my best friends are gone on vacation out of the country. Combine that with everyone ive asked to hangout is either busy or ignoring me and ive spent this whole day so far fighting off a panic attack alone in my room. birthdays suck and i want this day to end already.

 

How I feel lately



Luckily my place of darkness isn't as dark as it used to be and is just me wanting to be a hermit and never leave my house or talk to ppl again lol but I hate that depression is always chilling there. It's not as bad as when I was younger so it's easier for me to try to bury but it's annoying that it never seems to fully go away and always kinda trails behind me.

 

1. I have a very vivid memory of telling my best friend all the shit I had been feeling at the time (in the spring of grade 11, we happened to be in our Theatre class), and she was just like "I think you might be depressed" and it just kinda hit me
2. I was in a not so great relationship at the time. I was just kind of laying in bed at his place and I just couldn't hold my tears in any longer. I cried a lot.

 

I've been coming down hard on people at work who make jokes like "I'm so OCD I need things organized lol." Like OCD isn't an adjective you fuck

 

it's i this only started bugging me recently but now it does so much
like I wish I just had a routine, which yeah is part of it but it's also not sleeping because I'm thinking of a minor fuckup from 10 years ago

 

People throwing around they're so bipolar pisses me off. It really sucks when some homicidal maniac kills people and it's bc he's bipolar. Like people think I'm an insane person whenever they find out I'm bp. I just want to shake people. Most of us with mental illness are self harming and not thinking of hurting anyone else. This stigma will never go away and it's really sad. /rant