Accountability in Music • Page 139

holding your friends accountable means making sure they take responsibility, not giving them a free pass when they dont.

 

And I never said otherwise?

 

i didnt quote you

 

Well no, you didn't, but you have to be talking to someone and since it was me who was saying it's understandable to stick by your friends it's a fair assumption aha?

 

im just throwing out general thoughts i have on the topic at hand, not talking to anyone /shrug

 

That's fair and I do agree. I always assumed he had owned up to what he did, but I guess not.

 

Yeah he pretty much sneaked back into the scene trying to act like nothing happened and it won't be long til he tries to portray himself as a victim I think

 

he's a disgusting fucking sex pest coward and I hope he gets what's coming to him

 

For me - and I'm not saying everyone agrees, I just know this is how I use it and how I most widely see it used - asking for accountability publicly isn't the same as abandoning someone privately or in practice. And the important part is acknowledgement, desire to and actions put towards actually changing.

I think lots of times folks like to play it as a zero sum game because it's easier. If the only options are unconditional support without requiring any accountability, unpleasantness or change - deny deny deny - and shunning someone, blocking them off entirely and never speaking to them again, it gives the illusion that the former is the "loyal" or right thing to do.

If I love my friend, I want them to be better. I tell them when they're doing something awful. That doesn't mean denying the thing happened or pretending they have reformed when absolutely nothing has changed. It also means moving forward with empathy and understanding that public perception of them might never line up with who they become, and accepting that survivors aren't wrong to be skeptical or even completely uninterested in the work they've done. Some bridges can't be rebuilt. It's hard, and it sucks - but that acceptance that things might never got back to the way they were before is part of supporting people while still being compassionate to those they've hurt. People with careers in the public eye carry extra responsibility because of the privileges they receive - they have to show their work, to a certain extent, otherwise they get to live with folks not believing the work was done.

(EDIT: And yeah, if my friend or relative or whatever is hurting someone knowingly and willfully and refuses to stop, change and/or try to make it right, then "abandoning" them until they're willing to do better might be the RIGHT thing to do. Some people don't learn until they lose.)

Folks who continue to unapologetically stan for abusers and deny that any wrongdoing happened are not being loyal. They're enabling and contributing to abuse. It's a real shame on behalf of the people who provide a crucial support system for those who are actually TRYING to reform that the two get conflated so often, because they just aren't the same thing.

Mariel has never been able to conceive of or accept that. First with her defense of Lyman circa Warped 2015, and again with her boyfriend now (or whenever that all went down, was it last summer? Idk). Incredibly disappointing.

 

Currently going through this personal dilemma as well. A friend of mine is currently working to better themselves after their ex informed them that their behavior in their now-thankfully-over relationship was abusive and manipulative. I would probably have dropped them on the spot if it weren't for the fact that they have owned every bit of their behavior and simply outright said "yeah, I was a shitty person and a terrible partner and I need to and am trying to do better now, no excuses".

The only thing that makes me bite my tongue is if the victim in question, also a good friend of mine, were to confront me about things. If so, I swear, future me better explain things pretty fucking carefully to make it clear that I'm not excusing the abusive behavior like it sounds like a ton of the victim's former friends have done.

 

Called Mariel out. You'll never guess what she did in response. Yup. A coward just like her sex pest boyfriend.

 

Par for the course with her. Our FIRST interaction was her coming for me over the first piece I wrote for APnet back in the day... and that was 3 years ago. I've seen no indication she's changed.

 

If you're even thinking about this, you're doing better than all of my (now former) friends did when they found out about my abuser. I'm sure your friend (the victim) appreciates it.

 

wait so she @'d me after unblocking me and said I was 'harassing' her when all I did was ask her why the fuck Glenn Harvey is in her band. Apparently they're not dating anymore or whatever, I don't really care about any of that. but she did not deny Harvey is in her band and I really don't know how to respond to this. just... don't have sex pests play drums for your live band??

 

i wouldn't even respond, she obviously wants to play victim

 

while I was considering whether to reply, she deleted the tweet in question. it's interesting because Nick Sokol's Twitter says he plays drums in Best Ex now... I'm confused as fuck

 

A song came on my daily mix and I enjoyed it but thought the bridge was kinda weird. Checked who it was, and it was MAKEOUT - Crazy.

Ewww.

 

If you think that's bad check out their song Secrets

 

OH I've heard that before. I remember hearing Crazy when it came out too and thinking "catchy but a bit grim". Then Secrets came out and they got in tons of shit.

I knew I recognised the song but couldn't work out why..

 

Her career is in the shitter for multiple reasons. That's all I'm going to say.

 

Heavy rumours as to why Chris Webb left Milk Teeth.

Just got a whole lot more obvious...

 

I had a feeling that might've been the case with how abrupt his departure was and the very legal sounding wording of the original announcement of him leaving. Hopefully some actual info come out at some point so people know what's up.

 

The whole Lambgoat/Drowning situation is madness.

 

The Fallout has had a sketchy history in Chicago for forever now so I can't say that this shit surprises me at all. And who gives a shit about the semantics about it? No men should punch a woman in the face at a show. It's as simple as that.