Mental Health Thread • Page 212

Fake it til I make it.

sooooo long story short i should have been able to have my appointment yesterday. UCSF fucked up. now the next free appointment for this surgeon is July 17. i'm waiting on a call back from the new patient coordinator up there, because as far as i'm concerned they fucked up and they need to fix it. immediately. like i don't care what they have to do, they are fitting me in sooner than another 6 weeks from now.

 

I'm sorry this process has been such a bummer for you and I can't figure out if it's the insurance or doctor or what, I was thinking are there any health centers that specialize in trans health that can help, is this a thing it feels like it should be a thing but maybe it isn't

 

it's the insurance that's been the issue. this particular surgeon is supposed to be "trans friendly" lol

 

the good news is that i'm all approved for a consult with Dr. Chen (phallo guy), and the appointment is scheduled. Like i have the paperwork from BCBS specifically saying i can see him lol no take backsies

 

That’s the problem - the effectiveness of it is starting the wane

 

Lately, a lot of bad emotions about what happened with my social life came up and I’ve been trying to deal with it. Like this is really unhealthy for me, I need to fully just let go and accept that these people don’t want me around for whatever reason but I can’t. My best friend pointed out that I have abandonment issues and he’s honestly right but how do I deal with that? It’s hurts, I spent so much of my life not having friends, then I become an adult and have all kinds of friends, and now they’re mostly just not in my life anymore.

 

red alert my dad is texting me right now asking if him and mom's drinking is why i haven't visited and they promise to be saints etc and i don't want to have this conversationnnnnn

 

super anxious brain tonight
hope I’ll be able to sleep

 

I know how that goes and I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I'm not the best at advice and I know what it's like to feel shitty and have people try to tell you to stay positive. I just want to say that we're all a hell of a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I hope you keep pushing through the bullshit that your brain is telling you. You deserve to feel better and someday that'll happen.

 

no call from the patient coordinator today. can't wait to call and bitch tomorrow and have them tell me the same thing lol

 

as was prophesied

now my appointment is july 18. fucking LOL. going to call every single day from now on until i get this fucking woman on the phone and she fixes their mistake woooo
edit: got a call back. the surgeon has been informed and i'm on the waiting list for cancellations (which the receptionist i talked to earlier already told me). they are also "investigating" why my appointment was cancelled. i'm planning on pressing that one. because this woman said it came from billing, but ol' david in billing told me monday that he doesn't have that power. SOMEONE'S LYINGGGGGG

 

we lost two great creative people to suicide this week
everyone who’s ever felt suicidal, I’m so glad you’re still here, please do not hesitate to message me to talk about mental health stuff b cause I can’t take losing people this way

 

The Anthony bourdain one has really punched me in the gut this morning. I’m so much sadder about it than I thought I would be.

I echo @mad’s post above: please do not hesitate to reach out. Also I’ll try to not put the onus on other people, I’ll try to reach out to those in here that might need an ear to vent to. Everyone deserves to live long enough to feel happiness.

 

I kinda hate when a suicide is making the rounds in the media because there is the upsetting suicide and the feelings that come with that, and then having to hear people's ridic opinions on that person and the circumstances of their death which usually comes with baseless speculation and ignorance. Just hard to deal with.

 

i think what hits so hard about anthony bourdain is that i genuinely thought he'd wrestled all his demons into submission. like to me he was the opposite of the robin williams "happy on the outside" narrative. he was open about his struggles and mistakes and stuff.

also god bless that man he once ate an ostrich egg cooked in/mixed with campfire ash/coals with a cool tribe of people who use featherless arrows to hunt

 

I decided today that I’m not gonna finish my degree and I need to start being okay with that fact

 

I'm gonna preface this by saying that I do find Kate Spade's and Anthony Bourdain's deaths very upsetting. Nothing could ever downplay the seriousness of it.

But am I a shitty person for being angry at the sudden influx of fake sympathy for suicide and depression whenever any well known person commits suicide? I see way too many people I know who will be all mushy and shit when a celebrity offs themselves, but those very same people acted like I was a huge fucking inconvenience to them when I tried telling any of them that I was depressed and/or feeling suicidal. Of course, I wouldn't just start the conversation with "hi i want to die", but I'd literally try my fucking hardest to just get SOMETHING out of these people and they'd just act like I'm inconveniencing THEM. As if the fact that I trusted them enough to even try to come to them for help just absolutely ruined their fucking day. Either that or I just got straight up ignored. And that's part of why I came so close to actually going through with it a few months ago. Because people made me feel like I was just some sort of burden to them by being depressed, even though I really couldn't help it.

 

You’re not wrong, I feel the same way as a survivor of a suicide attempt. It’s easy for many to express sadness about a suicide but then it’s hard for them to care about people in their own lives who are hurting. It’s frustrating but it really drives the point home about how much of a true stigma mental health is perceived to be and just how people are in general.

 

Well I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. I just really hate how fucking fake so many people are. And it hurts to see these people pretend to care when I know they actually couldn't give less of a shit.

 

It always hurts, no matter what.

 

yeah so many people i want to slap or call out or something for their shit tweets. like fuck off. you don't actually care, you're just grandstanding.

people really care about social capital now that twitter is as popular as it is. it's about the RTs and likes, it's not about being a good person.

so many people who are like "muh DMz r openz" are the same people acting like i don't exist, when we've never argued or had any conflict. yet they think it's ok to give the silent treatment. people who said they cared about me all of a sudden just say nothing for months. can't stand that shit. check on people and ask if they're ok and if they're not, offer to hang out with them. and if you can't hang out with them IRL, ask if they want a phone or video call, or if there's something you can do with them (play games, watch a show at the same time, anything like that - if you're friends i'd hope you know their interests). just...ffs.

again, too many people love social capital, and not each other, let alone themselves.

 

Yeah, I'm the kind of person to take HOURS out of my day to just help my friends struggling with depression and/or suicide regardless of how shitty my day is, but that's because I'm basically empathetic to a fault. I don't want people I care about to feel the way I have. Their well-being is actually more important to me than my own.

It's just sad how so many others are jumping on the fake sympathy bandwagon just because it's trendy. And it's even sadder how what I said or what you guys said would be considered "hot takes", even though it's nothing more than straight up honesty.

 

Never heard anything back for the job I applied to last. But I went on the website again and saw two positions posted for apply. I applied again hoping I hear back this time. I looked a few days ago and there was nothing. I don't know how much longer I can take my current job. In ways it's worse than my last job and I thought my last job was bad.

 

I’ve been ignoring my health for so long because I’ve assumed for the past few years that I’ll be dead by 30 anyway. Like if there is ever a discussion about the future, I literally can’t picture one. And my health is just like rapidly declining but it seems pointless to be healthier at this point.

Also lol the therapist I saw a couple of years ago no longer practices at that clinic, and I have no idea where she’d be. She wasn’t ~incredible~ by any means, but I don’t wanna start new with someone else.