Mental Health Thread • Page 210

you are all loved and valid

 

I hate feeling like I’m not worthy

 

I hate how going to bed feeling anxious is suddenly a habit.

 

wowow rollercoaster of emotions just now. EDD said my claims were paid, but payment history showed no payment. freaked out about making rent, texted my therapist to cancel at the very last of the 24 hour window...finally was able to sign into my BOFA account and the payment did go through. haven't texted therapist back yet. kinda just want to stay canceled if i can. i feel okay this week so far and thinking of spending that $$ is causing me more stress than not

 

I finally put in my two weeks at work today. It was a tough decision because I love my coworkers and my company but I dreaded going in every day to the point where I couldn’t sleep. The anxiety wasn’t healthy. I’m a little nervous about money because I don’t have anything lined up just yet but a huge weight has been lifted.

 

every time i think i have accepted that being trans means annoying difficult shit for the rest of my life no matter what i do (see: needing a prior authorization for T every time i get new insurance), something else happens that reminds me that it will never get easier and i get all pissed off again.

seriously, i had my T script sent in more than a week ago, and the pharmacy and the doctor's office are still playing some weird game and the end prize is i'm out of fucking T after this friday

 

I hate when I'm anxious and terrified for something I can't get out of. I can't run away or hide and I know logically it's probably gonna be fine but emotional brain overtakes logical brain in the moment. I know these feelings are natural and normal and they will pass, but that doesn't stop my brain from being like DO THIS UNHEALTHY THING

 

Those were all supportive likes y'all. Stay strong today

 

All of my mental illnesses (I have 4 diagnoses!) have been acting up lately, so that's been great. I'm losing my mind waiting to be back in school for the first time in a year. And I feel so angry at all of these people from my past. I shouldn't be angry, they're not in my life anymore, which is probably for the best. I don't know what to do with this anger besides spend every minute of my free time listening to music.

 

i've found that writing it all out helps. either like journaling or actually writing a letter to someone that i don't ever send, just write

 

I'm getting to a point at work where I'm about to go off on a co worker. I literally have to stop what I'm doing every 15 min because no one wants to help one of our clients with their computer and it's something very easy. No one else wants to even try to help, they just tell they client "I don't know, let me go get her, she'll know". They don't even take the initiative and watch me so they can do it next time. I also feel like they don't listen when I tell them I don't know either (because I don't), but I at least try. They just sit down or feel like its time for a smoke break so I get stuck dealing with it. It's gotten so bad that I want to stop preparing meals (I prepare meals and I'm continuing to have to stop what I'm doing, making things not go efficiently, and I'm trying to work on my efficiency. Also the nurse will say she'll take over while I go help the client and this makes me so mad. For one I set everything up a certain way and the nurse doesn't know what to do because every time she jumps in, she doesn't do things right.) It's stresses me out so much I can't sleep. I also always get looked at to stay late or do a double when someone calls off and everyone else makes excuses why they "definitely" can't do it and assume that I can blah blah. I just don't know what to do anymore. Most of our clients are very alert so I don't want to do anything where they can catch on that something is going on- like I just want to walk outside and take a "break" so I don't get angry. But if storm outside, they'll see it. All of this is effecting my overall health

rant over

 

@Carmen SD what does management say about all that? i'm guessing they are no help. that really fuckin sucks



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Got a call this morning. Who has an insurance-approved visit with Dr. Chen up in SF? This guy!!

 

lol just kidding apparently whatever the coordinator sent to Dr. Chen's office was wrong and I am still no closer to getting a consult

people, why is this so hard? these two people had phone calls back and forth last week and i don't understand the the problemmmmm this is your jobbbbbbb

 

For this particular issue, I don't think management is aware, since it's a fairly new issue. I have addressed my co workers saying that I'm not going to keep stopping. Plus complaining to management doesn't seem to get anywhere. There's a lot of other ongoing issues that keep happening that the higher ups don't seem to care about.

 

The topic about marriage came up again with the bf... drove by the local high school and saw a graduation going on and we thought it seems crazy how we graduated 10 years ago. Bf then asked if I'd go to my hs reunion and I said, I don't want to but my friend would probably want me to go, and I mentioned how I don't care for it because it's not like I care to see anyone- it will pretty much be who got married and divorced, how many kids people have, who's married etc... then he mentioned how people who got married right out of hs don't usually last long etc. Then asked if I wanted to be married, in which I said I'd like to (for several reasons), and it was my mistake asking him the same question back because I already knew the answer, and hearing the answer of 'no' hurt pretty badly. He says he doesn't "believe" in it or think it's necessary to do, then mentioned something about if it didn't work out then a divorce will be awkward, costly, and messy. He say if you love someone that's good enough, and I mentioned the benefits of marriage. It's not like I'm looking for a ceremony because I'm not, I have no friends to invite or anyone to be in a wedding party anyway.

I looked up stuff about this situation to see what other people had to say/feel about it. I don't know what the future holds and if this guy will still be in my life in the future, and we've only been dating/known each other for about a year. From what I read the idea of not wanting to be married is something a person has always felt (can be for several reasons), for my bf I think it's just the concept, because his parents are still together and are doing well. He's actually briefly mentioned the marriage thing before we officially were together (it came up in conversation), and the readings say sometimes talking out the reasons may have someone change their mind, but not always. I just don't know if I'll be okay not being married if he still feels the way he does down the road.

There are several things my bf continues to fail to understand, which is how I view myself- Seeing myself the way I do combined with him saying he doesn't want to be a married man, messes with my mental health so much, because all my life I felt as marriage was a the key factor to knowing I am loved and someone wants to spend the rest of their life with me. Without that I don't feel I am really loved, and it heightens my fears and insecurities, and I'm getting more and more insecure instead of less. As mentioned before, I have a lot of health problems, because of them I fear I'll die alone or I'll get so sick that I have no one to take me to the hospital and I'll die alone and in pain.

 

That is a very real and relationship-altering conversation you need to have with him. I personally don’t want to get married but also empathize with your position. To me, his thoughts on the subject mirror mine. My parents will be married for 45 years on Sunday, so I don’t have bad divorces to blame for it. It just feels like an outdated tradition for myself, personally. That said, weddings are fun and I love being apart of them and seeing my friends/family celebrate that part of their love. So I understand how/why it’s important to you. IMO, it’s a topic you and him should discuss, however don’t approach it trying to change his mind about it. That’s not going to be conducive to having an open, honest discussion.

 

Thanks, this is good advice I've gotten before and never really took because as a stubborn writer it's hard for me to motivate myself to write things people will never see, but I should definitely try it.

 

Yesterday was day 2 of severe depression that ended at night. I was able to pull myself together at maybe 9pm and write two essays for scholarships and also finally accept all of the scholarships/grants I still can't believe I received at my new school, so all of that was nice. I just feel like until I can get out of my hometown and be in a new setting in the Fall, life is going to suck. And I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop because this opportunity seems too good to be true and my OCD is always telling me something bad is going to happen, good things never work out, etc etc.

Today I don't feel depressed so far, just weird and anxious.

I think I might hang out here more often because you all seem supportive.

 

This is really tough, I'm sorry. I used to worry I'd never get married (because I also have health problems and also, for the companionship) and while I'd still like to, I've kind of come to accept that if I don't I'll be okay. However, we can never predict the future, so there isn't much reason to assume that we won't ever get married. I understand that our anxieties don't really care about facts like that, though. And I've been in similar situations in relationships - different values that affect our lifestyles, the anxiety that comes from dealing with obstacles that could affect the relationship. As hard as it is when dealing with fears and anxieties, I think the best thing anyone can do is to remember they'll be okay no matter the outcome. And to talk about those issues when you feel like you need to, of course. Good luck, I hope everything turns out well for you.

 

I can identify with this a lot. Sorry that I don’t have any good advice, just know we’re here for you and some of us know exactly how you feel!

 

When I'm ready, we will have to have a conversation about it. But I'm not ready to talk to him about it right now, plus I still feel it's early on to be discussing marriage. My findings didn't give a certain time, just that the couple needs to discuss each side of it, the why and why not. Maybe theres something else to it for him? It really messes with my mind tho because we've talked about living together (I know that has nothing to do with people marrying). At first he never mentioned wanting me to move in when he got his own place (which confused me), but then he mentioned it maybe within the last two months? Then the other week he ask what if I changed my mind about kids (we both don't want children) and I told him thats not going to happen. My thoughts were why is he asking me this? The last time he mentioned it, it didn't bother me as much, probably because that was before told me he loved me. Kinda makes me feel like he's unsure of what he wants.

I still fear it's not going to happen, which is tough for me because it doesn't do any good to my mental health. But as you said we can't predict the future

 

I wish I didn’t dissolve into a self hating mess any time someone says remotely negative to me it’s fucking exhausting

 

I hope it all turns out well! It's been nice seeing you happy in a relationship. You deserve all the happiness in the world.

I had a negative dream about my relationship and it fucked me up for the whole day. Brains are fucking stupid. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

 

A common recurring thought I have is that I wish I were someone else. Like no amount of effort will make me into the kind of person I wish I were.

 

the hysto consult i've had scheduled for several months and started the referral process for in JANUARY is not going to be covered by my insurance because fuck these fucking insurance companies i don't know how they couldn't have figured this out AT ANY POINT IN TIME IN THE LAST THREE MONTHS SINCE I SCHEDULED THE CONSULT instead of friday afternoon for a 9 am monday appointment

every day is a body horror nightmare i cannot wake up from. all i wanted in 2018 was to get these fucking parts removed. welp