Mental Health Thread • Page 209

I haaaate when people ask me directions. Ive lived hear near 20 years now and I'm garbage at directing anyone anywhere

 

PERFECT

 

Truly stunned at my brain's ability to spin even the most minor positive occurrences in my life into something overwhelmingly negative. I cannot understand the reason for not allowing myself to experience good things; I know exactly what i'm doing when I frame everything so negatively but I'm powerless to actually stop it...

 

Glad I texted my therapist on Monday telling her how shitty my week was going or else she would have canceled my appointment instead of telling me she was going to be 15 minutes late

we agreed that i should ask my former boss if i screwed up somewhere, because of how abruptly everything just changed course. so far all we could think of is, 1) i didnt follow up on a possible retail job (i didn't know i had to, since i didn't really want a retail job anyway but whatever) 2) i sent an email a couple weeks ago that pissed off some lab guy 3) asked about my future (lol)

i'm not expecting to hear back from her, but i had to ask. literally the last texts between us are from 3 weeks ago when we decided i should come to their weekly monday morning meeting because it's "nice to have you there when we are planning"

 

I thought I just had a $10 copay for my therapy stuff after losing my work insurance and only having my dad's but today the receptionist lady let me know I owe $200

 

*ahem*
This is America.

(Did I do that right?)

Seriously though, sorry.

Medicare 4 all pls

 

I hate these suffocating self esteem issues. I have every perceived flaw picked out and I speak about them so objectively and casually and people will be like omg sis what is wrong with ur self esteem, but I don't even notice I'm doing it. Its dumb because I know everyone has insecurities no matter how beautiful. Some of the most beautiful women I know are the harshest on themselves. But there will always be that part of me that wonders what it would feel like to be the beautiful woman in the room and have everyone notice. Like I know beauty doesn't equal happiness but there's just that lil part of me that does believe it would solve a lot of my problems. And then there are days where I look in the mirror and I think I look fine. But those rough days are rooough. And then I'm like wow I have all these thoughts way to be shallow af. It's why i wish media didn't have so much of the same typical faces. Seeing the same kind of face with the lil nose, the beautiful profiles, high cheekbones, idk the expected "look" is hard. When I see other women who have features I don't like about myself but who are still stunning to me it's uplifting that there are other types of beauty too idk. Sigh.

 

I paid a $10 copay for a lab test, then got a surprise bill a couple of weeks later for an extra $80. It sucks.

Stay away from Kaiser at all costs.

 

made the mistake of going back to some earlier college and real early high school pics and it reminded me how the past decade has beaten the shit out of my psyche. my mom says i used to be a goofy, carefree kid and you can see it. my depression goes back further than that and as far back as i can remember i can recall my anxieties, but... you just get stuck and never notice it happening in degrees.

 

mm. may head home early

 

i got ridiculously black out drunk on Monday and scared the shit out of myself. Don't remember leaving the venue but it had to close at 4am and at 8am I was trying to catch a cab home. No clue what I did but have some scrapes on my hand which got blood on my shirt (which was also dirty and had beer it). Woke up at home at 2pm and missed my therapy appointment.

I gotta chill out. I mean I absolutely have to.

 

I really wish I had insurance right now. I thought I'd be getting better by now, but I'm having almost daily descents into feeling hopeless and rejected, and my self worth is dimenishing. I feel pathetic. It should not be this hard

 

im feeling pretty good again lately. successfully getting through cravings for hard drugs when they pop up with ease, not depressed or anxious most of the time, my personal relationships with friends and family are well, i just need to get back on track with my music making and everything will be all lined up and i'll be able to breathe for the first time in about a year.

 

well it happened, during a particularly trying conversation i squawked at this lady "I NEED A PENIS" and it worked, she's calling the other doctor's office to find out what needs to be done properly for a referral

edit: also my night sweats are back with a vengeance and i have a bunch of swollen lymph nodes on the right side of my body and the internet says that's lymphoma, so, cool, got that running through my head right now

 

Well finally going back to therapy. Nervous but also excited, relieved, and hopeful.

 

I’m really fucked up about the fact that if I get a full time job which I desperately need, I am giving up the opportunity for therapy.
It’s actually so discouraging cause like how does anyone get help? It’s not like you can just take a long lunch weekly/biweekly. Ugh.

 

yeah i hear that. i need a FT job, sooner rather than later, but fuck me if i wnt to use the insurance that'd come with it

aaand if Medi-cal doesn't do out of network authorizations, i'm fucked

 

All my appointments have been in the evening or weekends. You might still be able to go

 

Really? That’s awesome. The place I’m at doesn’t have that. And I don’t have insurance so it’s harder. I guess it’s possible if I do land a full time job I might get insurance but usually that takes 90 days and I’m likely not going to be able to keep a full time job once school starts.
Basically it’s extremely overwhelming and makes it seem like such an uphill battle it’s like, what’s the point?

 

Yeah once you have insurance you should be able to search for therapists in network and just call around asking about availability.

I don't have insurance now until August so I feel you there. My psycologist charges $150 per session, which he offered to discount to $80. Still can't really afford that so I guess I'm on my own til August, when I need help now more than ever

 

I’m really sorry. I hate that we both have to deal with this struggle when we are in need of it most

 

A good amount of therapists actually only work in the evenings. You could look for one that either works nights or weekends.

Also, some jobs will allow you to take that hour off weekly/biweekly as long as you make up that hour by staying an hour late. But this depends on the type of job.

 

My options are so limited bc of my lack of insurance. Also I already *have* a therapist, who does not work evenings :( I know I could find a new one but that’s just another unwanted step.

That situation would be ideal I just doubt that the kinds of jobs I’m applying for are going to be like that. Maybe though!

 

My company messed something up (again, surprise surprise). They paid me what looks like an additional $600. I asked my manager about it because I knew that was completely wrong and he called HR and from what they told him, I had gotten dropped from benefits and they were reimbursing me the money I have been paying. Well, I called the benefits line, and I'm not dropped (website seems good for my benefit status too) and asked them about the adjustments in my paycheck and they're going to send a ticket to find out. I even received a mail conformation and it shows my enrollment as well as a new vision card.

The thing is nothing adds up, which leaves me very confused. The amount I have from hours worked, plus what could of been reimbursed doesn't add up to what I was paid this check. It would be more. I thought maybe they didn't calculate money taken out for taxes, but that doesn't add up either because they check would be a little less than what I have now. When they over pay you, you have to owe back the money (they mess up peoples checks all the time). It stresses me out on where the extra money came from. Not that it's bad, but because I have to pay it all back, which means nearly no paycheck for a month maybe.

 

Going to work stresses me out. I think it’s so bad this time my health is declining more than it’s ever been. Can’t wait until the day I find a new job and put in my two weeks (haven’t heard anything from the one I applied to :( ). Working with the new person today who is “on their own” meaning no longer training, and it stresses me more because they have zero experience in this field, so it’s much stopping to have to spend extra 20 min to show the person how to do something, then I can’t get my job done or I’m behind. I know we’re all new at one point, but this isn’t the place to want to be brand new in. I personally wouldn’t be able to handle it if I was brand new no experience.

I had a few days off so I’ll see how they do since I haven’t been at work for a few days. I just don’t want to be doing everything or have to keep showing and standing by for assistance. Hope today goes decent