Mental Health Thread • Page 181

I notice I cut off [toxic] friends and family so much easier than I do the women of my life, the woman in my life is fine but I gone through a lot with the people around us as of late and in a weird way it makes me wish I had that same energy towards the women in my life over the years in hindsight... save me endless heart & head-aches lol.

That said the other people all showing their worthelessness to my life is exhausting, everytime I invest in someone be it a friend or a family member they show their ass and ruin any interest I have in being close with them or opening to them, or they simply just try and ruin/take all they can from me.... and that sounds a bit like hyperbole, and I wish it was but @Mary V can vouch from our convos. Lately its been friends.... especially male ones, people always asked my why I have more girl-friends than guy and for the longest I was just like "Shrug* just panned out that way". Older I get the more I realize my male friends always been some of the most insincere, underhanded, back talking, ulterior motivated people I've ever known, and recent events only sledgehammered that home for me. My women friends always been listeners, supporters, and just genuine friends with decent advice to give and take in.... whats the word for those things.... OH YEAH... FRIENDS, REAL ONES. That other shit? Ain't worth the energy wasted on those days/nights pretending to like build something just to realize you ain't shit down the line.

I've been pushed to my edge emotionally/mentally as well as what a man can take before he has to lash out, something has to change otherwise shit is gunna hit the fan like these people never seen before.

 

i suck. my philosophy is to give love and support wherever and i feel like I can't live up to it, i'm too frustrated with myself to do that I think, it kills me.

 

also why I fall in love with every person who can be like that but I freeze up. Met this guy that wants to jam with me and gave me some really sincere compliments on my guitar playing and I didn't even know how to respond but I totally should have gotten his number and made a friend, he's awesome.

 

I left myself a note to call my sister. Haven't talked in months and it hurts, I wanna promise myself I'll follow up on it but idk. hope I do. sorry for the triple post.

 

TW: domestic violence, blood, sadness, general venting

I reported a new cook for saying he wanted to punch a woman server in the back of the head for 'having a bad attitude and a fat ass', what worries me more was the reaction from the guy I reported it to was "well she does have an attitude'.
Thankfully my boss heard me out and made a note of it.

I had to defend women of tinder for not responding when the dishwasher I'm working with said he thinks badly of women who don't respond to him, as though anyone owes him something.
I definitely see problems with how men see women, I hate that I was ever anti "feminazis". like... How oblivious can you be?

Anyway, the guy has since been fired for general incompetence and wasn't popular at all.

I've seen a few more dishwashers come and go, one of whom I'm sad about because he was really good.

I had to work 7 days straight from Boxing Day to New Year's Day. On New Years I was walking home in -40°C after working a 12 hour shift with an old man that has since quit who simply couldn't keep up so I was shouldering his load. I've had to do most nights alone when there should've been at least two dishwashers.

I walked out on a date to go work because someone got fired.

Now I'm told I need to work 6 days a week or else I'll be reduced to 4, and I can't really afford to move out of I'm doing 4, so I either quit or get a second job. 6 days isn't bad because I already have no life it's just a lot of energy required that I don't know if I have anymore.

I'm getting increasingly snappy with the new guy I'm training because of his repeatedly asinine questions, constant bathroom breaks, lack of focus and complaining about hot water being 'too hot'. It's... It's supposed to be hot. Holy fuck.
But it's just immature angst from other shit, I'm just projecting.

I'm just getting sick of it. I'm getting sick of my father who comes home drunk every night and has abused my family for pretty much my entire life. I've come close to exchanging punches with him on multiple occasions. My mom is on disability, she's kind of trapped with him. He gives her nothing, and since I'm working, I have to give her cash (which is fine - she's my mom) just so she can fucking live, meanwhile he's going to concerts, sporting events, bars, and is going to England in the summer. All the while telling us he isn't taking us, telling me I'm useless...

His response to me moving out was a snort of derision, much like when I spent time in a psych ward.


Also I've been noticing blood in my umm, fluid waste looool and abdominal pain. I'm not sexually active so it's not anything like that. Prob just a bladder infection. A part of me really wishes it would spread and kill me though.
I wish I had blood coming out of everything on my body (ow the angst),.
I'm just fucking so close to berating the next person that annoys me. I'm so sick of taking garbage from people, I just want to be far away. Since that Valentine's Day shift my respect for my boss has plummeted and I've been pissed off close to a breaking point. You scheduled one dishwasher for the busiest night in the restaurant's history...

Poorly managed, lack of empathy. I guess that's successful business.

 

Blarghhh...

Time to get through another week.

I feel so empty. So hollow. So anxious to have something to fill this void. So lonely. I don’t like myself. How am I gonna find someone to love me the way I want to love someone when I have such a tough time with self love? I’m stuck with myself so I have to just deal. Everyday I’m disappointed to wake up, but I tell myself in the end I’m the only one I got. So I try my best. I tell myself nobody’s gonna love you except you and I get out of bed and deal.

 

Today my therapist started crying after sharing something with her and then I almost started crying cuz it made me realize how unbelievably bad my perspective is of myself and how dangerously complacent I am with it.

I can't wait to get started on medication next week. I'm looking forward to see how it will affect my treatment, good or bad. I just want to know how it will be and move forward in my life.

 

I just started myself for the first time. I'm only on day 3 and it takes a while to work so I feel in a similar place. I've been dealing with panic disorder for about 7 years now, where i'm fine for 3 months then have a brutal panic attack and am just out of it for weeks. Had the most brutal one in a long time, figured it was time to try something else too.

Best of luck moving forward.

 

one of those days

 

Stuck between rock and a hard place of needing time and space but also a friend needing people around and aide atm(so i cant even get time to have a mental health break away from folks - glad to be there but me and my lady need our alone time, as do i need my own fuck off from ppl time), sprinkle in some relationship strain and you have this shit shake I been drinking.

Blah.

 

Got a mean rejection email from a company I applied to. Like they wasted no time shutting me the hell down.

But then I got an email to do a phone interview with another company as well today.

The first email and its inference I shouldn't have applied due to lacking their requirements kind of shot my confidence and the interview for the other job is tomorrow. I don't hit the requirements there exactly, but mostly there... Sigh.

Supposed to hear back from the other job I got far in the interview process this week too.

 

Good luck! You'll land something awesome.

Screw that other company. That's rude as hell.

 

I know the feeling all too well :( there have been a handful of times I’ve been rejected from jobs before I could blink. All wasted my time. They all lost the opportunity to have a good, reliable, hardworking employee. And they were jobs where people get hired as their first job, yet they rejected someone with job experience (and I’ve seen some employees work and wonder how they even got hired). And because of that I don’t have the job experience I need to get a “career” type job, so I don’t have much confidence. Anyway, I hope this other opportunity goes well for you

 

Trying to think how to put this into words.. as my relationship with my bf continues I’m feeling more insecure because I’m getting to a point where I’m going to have to open up about things that i don’t talk to anyone about and it’s getting hard. I’ve also been having dreams recently that I’ve cheated on him with people I’ve had crushes on in the past. I looked up stuff about cheating dreams and it talks about insecurity which seems right. I’m afraid that once’s he finds certain stuff out about me he won’t want to be with me and it will be devastating.

 

i obviously have no idea what you'd reveal to him that he doesn't know, but given the way you speak about your partner and the level at which you seem to care for them, i doubt it's anything adulterous or malicious. if that's the case, then all you can do is be honest. every year we get older is another year we have lived and another year to develop baggage, you can't expect to find someone that is free of mental blemish, the right person will understand that. the girl i'm seeing right now just opened up to me the other night about how she is divorced and some things that come with that and she was genuinely ready for me to turn around and leave and i couldn't believe she had been conditioned to think any of that would matter to me. also, don't let your dreams bother you or color your perspective of yourself as a partner, focus on what you can control. the bottom line is, if he can't handle your past or what makes you tick, he's never going to do anything but make those things worse.

 

Thanks! I just had the interview with the other company. I think I did OK, but don't see it progressing to the "technical team interview" phase. Was told there were other potential jobs there they just haven't posted I could interview for if this one doesn't work out. So who knows how this one goes.

I was just shocked at it not being a form letter. We're talking a major medical organization using sophisticated language to tell me to get bent.

Yeah, being rejected quickly sucks, but at least I know one way or other. Just prefer politeness from a company. To prevent my time being wasted, I've started skipping writing cover letters at all. Just submitting a resume makes it less painful if I'm rejected. Didn't spend much time applying.

For whatever reason, those companies are the ones who have offered me interviews. So maybe my cover letters are just bad, haha. But I find more and more job application platforms don't even ask for a cover letter at all. Maybe everyone has come to the conclusion it's a waste of fucking time.

 

ugh. I'm so sorry. That's terrible.

 

It’s nothing adulterous or malicious. I could never do anything of that sort. Pretty much stuff related to my mental health growing up, which include thoughts of scuicide and what caused it, plus health stuff relating to my insecurities. He tells me I don’t need to be insecure but it’s hard because of things that happened in the past. I think I’ll always be insecure and nothing will change it.

 

Ugggggh

 

When people say things will be fine or it will work out, I know they're trying to help but it just kinda irritates me cause 1). You don't actually really know that?? And 2). Even if I logically know it will be fine that doesn't make it any easier as I'm flailing in the unknown to get to that point.

 

The past five days my old cat has been really sick and struggling. She's 16 and she needs me and when she's gone I actually have no clue what to do.

Rough rough rough night.

 

When I get really angry my default is still to want to break stuff. I really, really need to address that.

 

gotta write an essay today but my brain extremely doesn't want to do that

 

So it pretty much is a lock that I've got this one job I interviewed for. Now it comes down to deciding whether I'll accept the offer, when it's made (barring any unforeseen fuckups) early next week. And I'm not sure what to do. The issue is that it's in a very, very expensive city and the pay isn't quite up to par with that fact. It's still doable, but requires some sacrifice and I just can't figure out what the smart play is here. Another part of me is worried that passing on this could leave me where I am for quite a bit longer.

I'm also a super indecisive person and am getting initial differing views from family and friends, lol. Running on no sleep right now and imagine that's how this weekend is going to go. I don't know the right play here.

 

this the SF job? my friend you get to make a pros/cons list!