Mental Health Thread • Page 134

Do you get chest pains as well? Sounds like a panic attack. The best tip I can give is what worked for me when I suffered from panic attacks: visualisation. Visualising my own safe space honestly helps so much. I need to shut my eyes and imagine the safest place possible, real or not. For me, it's a calm forest, with a waterfall, and I'm lying on the grass. I'm holding hands with my boyfriend and my sister, the two people who make me smile the most.
It's hard to focus on your safe space at first, I had to do it under a bit of hypnosis or something at the start. Mindfulness therapy did wonders for me when I was scared and anxious. I hope this helps. Feel free to message me on here or Twitter if you want to talk more.

 

I have been really struggling the past couple weeks. Largely just withdrew from everything and everyone. I've long since been good at hiding when I've been doing poorly and so I'd endure work and then just go home and shut everything off and just hide away, not really wanting to do anything. Working on pulling myself out of it though.

 

It's taken me a long, long time to realize how much every single person does this. I heard the lines in Kevin Devine's "Ballgame" a million times and then one day it just clicked.

"well I realize that my shit's about as small as it could be / and that makes me feel worse for even feeling this bad in the first place."

I don't have anything really of value to add, since I don't know how to stop doing it, either. Just know that you're definitely not alone.

 

I saw this after waking up and meant to reply but thank you. Know I might take up the offer to message cuz I’ve learned you gotta take help where you can haha.
Honest though I think I might know what’s going on? The only thing that makes sense is my sleep paralysis at the beginning of this year. Was almost every night and I can’t convey how scary it is. It’s better now but it’s left its impression. I know a lot of people might view it as a cool paranormal experience but it’s not, it’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced and its all due to messed up sleep cycles.

 

Idk my issues with sleep paralysis messed me up p good. I know it’s all in the head but jfc the things you see and hear and feel are so wrong on so many levels. And you know you’re awake which is the messed up part, it’s not dreaming. Feeling someone pull you off your bed, hearing someone tell you to promise your soul for money, seeing a shadow on your bed telling you to look at the boy in the mirror. Couldn’t make this shit up if I tried it’s so damn scary to experience. I know where these things come from btw I’m not superstitious, they sound cliche cuz they are but that’s how the brain works

 

my friend suffers from this and has told me all about his experiences. it sounds horrifying. he has gotten into astral projection and that seems to have helped him get out of it, idk if you've tried that or not.

 

My brother in law has gone from mildly annoying me to upsetting me. Its so clear he is having mental health issues which is so understandable and I totally get it after what he's been thru, but when it starts impacting my sis and nephew I'm like nnnnnnn. She tries suggesting counseling but he gets defensive and accuses her of thinking he's crazy. He's not in a place where he thinks he needs help but he does. The way he interacts with my nephew is so off. He is rough with him and they lack a connection. Last night I was asking my nephew about their cats and he was telling me about a stray cat they took in. His dad was then like "should I take my gun and shoot it? Should I kill it?" Which he seemed to think was a funny joke and I'm like wtf is wrong with u? He's 3. He instigates and antagonizes a small child. Almost in the way that older siblings try to mess with and torture their younger siblings. Idk. He's been thru a traumatic experience but so far he hasn't started dealing with it. I get that these things can take time but watching him interact with my nephew that way and seeing how my sister is struggling, and how he is struggling too, is all upsetting

 

There is something wrong with my brain and it's getting scary. Like....moved up my therapy appointment, therapist asking me about homicidal and suicidal urges, making me call my psychiatrist right after session, calling him herself today talking about possible hospitalization....kind of scary.

I'm mad, irritated, want to complete tasks and get mad when I can't, I can't stop making lists, like let's get things done, I'm having trouble sleeping, and I feel like a guy with a hammer and everything's a nail

Edit: I started screwing with my meds on my therapist's suggestion and I could scream at her right now. I'd rather be baseline depressed than whatever the fuck this is. And the psych told me to stop the adderall for now and I just started and was able to get things done but...

 

I've read up on it a little but I don't quite understand it.

 

I think I'm finally starting to come into my own which is nice. I'm still anxious and insecure but not in the debilitating way like when I was younger. In my late teens I put on this front like I was no nonsense and independent, but an abusive relationship made me realize I wasn't and that whole image came crashing down hard. But I spent years working on it and building it back up and it doesn't feel like a put on image anymore. I know it's not just talk and that I actually am strong and independent. I also struggled hard for years with the way I presented myself, but I have hit my stride and am happy with the way I express myself. I look in the mirror and feel like "me" instead of painstakingly trying to hide anything and everything personal about myself. I used to refuse to show any hint of a personality or to let anyone in, but now it's easier to do that thru my appearance and thru vulnerability. I'm still a mess, but a slightly healthier functioning mess.

 

Yeah, it definitely is an...interesting field, but it seems to help him. Hope you can get it figured out cuz that shit sounds terrible

 

My childhood best friend died on Tuesday evening. She was diagnosed with a rare cancer at age 3. Modern medicine gave her 31 extra years of life, but it finally hit its limit.

I have to tell myself daily not to let go of the rope, and my friend Jami spent her entire fucking life clutching that shit with both hands. She didn't want to die. Meanwhile, I'm one bad episode from being 5150'd or something.

How dare I think about wasting what she so desperately fought for the entire time I knew her. How dare I.

 

I had a really interesting day at the doctor today. Went in for a follow up on my blood pressure where I was just meeting with a nurse. It was initially high but went down after some relaxation exercises. My heart rate was all over the place though, jumping around and generally very high. So I ended up seeing a different doctor than I saw last time who was honestly just so perfect for me, I really think I'll keep her as my primary care physician.

But anyway my heart rate is... not good... and they aren't sure if it's anxiety or what. This new doc decided to put me on low dose Prozac instead of the Xanax that I had been initially prescribed. I haven't been 100% honest about some things but idk the phrase "self-medicate" has come up so much that I'm really starting to realize that I do need help. I need to call the mental health center to get started with a therapist at minimum.

tl;dr feeling that maybe I can get actual help and save myself from this deep pit of mental and physical health that i've fallen into.

 

Not a good night to be alone with my thoughts. One issue is that I'm frustrated with so much, especially my work and the dumbass department head. He's so bad at his job that everyone under him hates him and his bosses aren't going to renew his contract (something we all sadly know, but he's still got like half a year before it's up. like fuck that.). I really need to get a new job, I'm just so bad at looking and pessimistic about my chances of getting even within spitting distance of what I want.

 

I try to avoid putting stuff like this out there as I don't like my issues being Google-able (weird paranoia, but I have my reasons), but I'm just in such a weird place. I was at my lowest point roughly a year ago, coping with a new city, no friends, and some relatively critical relational problems. My therapist was the closest thing I had to a best friend and confidant and she was wonderful, but time and money (as well as a sense of general "betterness") led me to leaving therapy more recently and I partially regret it, though do feel some relief in different ways.

As of right now, though, I'm just overcome with this feeling of wanting more. Something else. Life has grown into this mundane rinse-repeat-hope tomorrow is better routine and I can't help but to blame myself for every problem in my life. I doubt my thoughts and emotions on an unrealistic level and it has led to me refusing to commit to any substantial decisions in life, always finding an out, always feeling like I'll regret any change I might make, small or large. I spend hours at a time floating around in my brain thinking about "what could be," but it's all fiction and it's causing me to further disassociate from reality. I think people are starting to notice, too. Work has been impossible to concentrate on, my significant other comments on my lack of attention and affection, nothing feels right. I was finally comfortable in my own skin and situation only a month ago just to find myself more lost than ever right now. Just not sure what to do, what's right, what's wrong, and it sucks.

 

Been stuck in the same funk for the last month and a half. From the moment I wake up, I feel angry and irritated. can't seem to turn it off.

 

I'm finding out that I'm no longer as willing to deal with people's bullshit. For example, I'm allowing myself to be angry rather than internalizing someone else's flakiness. Like, if you don't want to put in the effort to hang out, fine. It's not on me to always be the person who reaches out.

 

My mom is a ditzy drunk and it embarrassed me so much as a teen. U have to hold her hand and baby her thru everything and I would be mortified when I had friends over and stuff. She started drinking a lot when she was divorcing my dad and I have a lot of issues from it. My little sister is a teenager now and my mom is apparently still acting the same way and it's just embarrassing. They went to a concert tonight and my mom got drunk and was being so annoying that security had to tell her to chill, and she was trying to do dumb ditzy stuff and my sister got so stressed and embarrassed she started crying. And then my mom texts her husband to say that having kids is overrated and that my sister is rude and annoying. Like omfg grow up. Like ur in ur 40s. My sister told our mom it hurt her feelings and upset her and my mom is still too drunk to process but I bet if it gets brought up tomorrow she'll play victim and freak out. Its bad enough she pulled all this when I was younger but the fact that she's still doing it like....... stop being so tragic. It makes me sad that me and my older sister had to deal with it and now my little sister does too.

 

That is some awful stuff to say to your children.

 

It's her style. I remember when I was a teen she told me I was a bitch and that she was never gonna change and I was like... ok. She also called my older sister a disappointment of a daughter and I'm like damn do you even like us lol.

 

As I said bye to my mom i said "hopefully we weren't too overrated for you" because I had to stir the pot I guess and I told her she should apologize to my lil sister and she just said my sister should apologize to her for being snotty. Typical of her always the victim attitude. Meh.

 

My mom told me I was a bitch and smacked me in the face when I was like 16. She pushed me into the fridge and broke it once. She had a lot of issues and she doesn't drink. It's made confrontation really hard for me.

Anyways, I'm usually pretty good with staying on top of my job regardless of how I'm feeling but it was like a switch flipped and I hate every aspect of it besides the patients. Frustrating.

 

Really sorry you both had to deal with that stuff growing up

 

I'm well liked in my workplace, I've been invited out drinking, I have friends to talk to and a brother and mother who support me, I'm told I'm doing so well, and I still just feel like a piece of garbage.
I feel so far behind my peers and so directionless and scared about tomorrow. I feel so alone. I'm not alone but I still feel alone and it's so frustrating.
It's 1:35 am and I just talked to a friend who's gonna buy a house soon, we're both 22. I have just over $3000 in my account, no degree, little experience, and I share a bedroom. It's like, I'm moving forward, but it's not enough, why am I so selfish?

But the thing that terrifies me the most is what if none of these things that have yet to happen make me happy? What if I'm back to feeling that numbness while someone's smiling up at me after kissing me? What if I'm feeling futility and almost ANGER at being given a paycheck because I want nothing? Why won't it go away :( it won't go away, I don't know what to do. I know it won't make me happy but I need these things or else I'm both unhappy and a failure. I'm fine one minute then my thoughts are scary the next. Im really fighting the flight reflex rn.
I feel trapped even though the door is open

 

Buying and owning a house is overrated in the year 2017. Not that that changes anything or how you're feeling, but just saying. Home ownership can be a real pain in the ass.

****

I sent my parents an email last night stating flat out that if they continue to have contact with two people from my past, I can't have contact with my parents for the foreseeable future. I feel like a child who just talked back and isn't sure what is going to happen next, heh.

Edit: mom texted me. Said they hadn't seen them in a while and sorry for disrespecting me and "I am sorry any of that had to happen to you!!!" and that she wants to have a good relationship. I am cautiously optimistic that they GET IT this time, because really, I just want to be sending my mom cat pictures, not wondering why she's wishing my assaulter a happy anniversary with his wife. And maybe that's what "good" is/will be for us now, nothing but cat pics, but I'm okay with that.