(Reasons We're Probably Not) Dating Or In A Relationship Thread NSFW • Page 851

you son of a bitch

 

Hahah cause of the code name?? I thought you knew!

 

r/outoftheloop

 

happy for you & not-sloane


on a more emo note, I'm having a real rough time.

 

I hope things get better for you soon.

 

My parents are coming to visit next week and I'm going to introduce them to the girl. Think she's a bit nervous, as currently, they don't even know about her.

 

10/10 perfect bio

 

Gf and I are moving in with my parents. Lived on our own together for 3 years but we're students and living pay cheque to pay cheque, and we wanna get ahead and start saving for a down payment. Understandably, she's nervous about the whole thing, but my rents are pretty cool so it should be all g.

The worst thing about it is just going to be explaining moving back to friends, fam, etc. The situations definitely humbling, but I think its for the best.

 

nah, there's nothing wrong with that and it's great that you have parents who are willing to do that for you. just tell them "i'm fortunate that my parents are letting me and so-and-so live with them for cheap/rent free while we save for a down payment."

 

I feel bad since I have had co-workers want to develop these friendships with me but like I am not about the nightlife at all.

 

Okay, I don't think I've posted in this thread before, so I apologize for popping in and dumping all of this here, but I don't know where else to go.

My fiancee and I have been in a relationship for over five years. I proposed two years ago yesterday. Our wedding date is set for October 28th of this year, but I don't think there's going to be a wedding, and I don't know what happened or how things could have changed. I feel blindsided.

On New Year's Eve, I asked her if she'd mind if I spent the night with some friends since she had to work the next morning and I didn't want to celebrate alone. She said it was fine. I came back home, and suddenly, everything was not fine. She's never done something like this before, but she said if I wanted to be with her that I should've stayed. And then brought up a lot of insecurities I had about being a good boyfriend, contributing to our relationship, looking for jobs (we graduated last May), her wanting kids by the time she's 30, etc. And we've had a series of really long, exhaustive but seemingly positive conversations about how we can fix the relationship since then.

I've been focusing so much energy into trying to make her happy and make things work, and I thought things were getting better, but as of tonight, I was wrong. She says that she feels like a part of our earlier relationship is now missing and that we feel like roommates. She wants things to work. She's skeptical, but believes there's still a chance that problem might not even be me (we moved away from home for a job opportunity she had and still don't know anyone aside from co-workers and each other, so it's hard to get away from each other), so she doesn't want to break up yet. She thinks some time apart could help, but this is all complicated by the fact that I also have a (shitty part-time) job out here and have to start repaying student loans in the summer, so I can't exactly up and move for a week/month/whatever without having a car and a job solidified back home.

Anyways, I'm devastated. This is the relationship I've been in since high school and I can't believe I took that security for granted. I would do literally anything to make things work, if someone could just tell me what that is. Now, I feel like the only person who could comfort me if I was this upset about anything else is unavailable. I can't imagine being happy without her. I know these aren't particularly special feelings, so again, sorry for the word vomit, but I feel like I have no one to turn to and I just don't know what to do with myself. A break is probably the best option, but our lives are so entangled that it's difficult to just make that separation happen.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. That middle paragraph seems like it could be a big reason too. I know a lot of couples who have either both moved or one has moved to new city, where they now lack a support system in the area and don't really know anyone except their partner and things are always rly tough until they get to know more people and establish a life, and then it seems to get better. It's a very difficult transition that can strain a relationship. idk if that's what's going on but I hope u guys are able to work it out and I'm sorry for what u are going thru. Always vent here if u need!!

 

Thanks so much for the reply. I think it's about a 50/50 shot as to whether the problem is our environment or me (more likely a combination of both, which I can only hope I might be able to fix), but either way, giving her space seems to be the right decision, so...I guess I'm just going to apply for jobs in my hometown and get out of here as soon as possible.

Everything's just so fucked up because this is both of ours' first long-term relationship, lasted all through college, so without it...I just don't know how to function alone.

Again, sincerely, thank you for the words of encouragement.

 

Hey thanks, really appreciate it. And you're right, we are very lucky to have his option.

That's pretty brutal. this issue is obviously complex, but it's not healthy or respectful for her to feel entitled to your time without having made an arrangement to spend time together. And beyond that, telling you it's okay to hang out when she didn't actually feel that way is an odd, completely-avoidable move. You're undoubtedly in a tough, confusing spot here.

I had a friend go through a pretty similair circumstance--long-term, high school sweetheart so plucked an issue out of nowhere to start a break. But that issue wasn't really what her problem was--basically, she wanted to explore her options and find out if getting married to this guy she had been with her entire adult life was what she really wanted. They ended up getting back together and are happily married now.

However, you gotta know that in the worst case scenario, you will be okay. Change is fucking scary, but humans are highly adaptable creatures. It may be hard, but you would come through the other end of that tunnel.

 

god my heart is breaking for you rn because I feel literally exactly the same way right now with my ex as of last week. I'm pretty miserable so I'm afraid I don't have any sage wisdom to offer but I do want to say that I'm genuinely sorry that you're going through this. It really sucks, and you're not alone in it.

 

sorry to double post but to kinda go off that, I am really frozen right now. Everyone is basically telling me I have to kick him out (which I completely get WHY they are saying that) but I feel like it's way more complicated than that. Or maybe I'm just making it that way. Because I'm scared. I'm already so lonely and he's still around all the time. We were super codependent before like did hardly anything without each other. now even showering or going to the stores just makes me cry because it's lonely without him. We have talked a little bit (mostly through texts because I can't even look at him without crying really) and have watched movies together and played video games but like... it's obviously broken and awkward and terrible.

anyway in those rare moments when we are doing something together, and he makes me laugh, it's just like the only happiness I've felt in days. I'm afraid if I kick him out I will just sink into a deep depression without anything to pull me out. Even if it's fucked up that my only happiness is coming from him, selfishly I still want to hold on to that little bit of happiness.

ETA: I'm also like a deeply empathetic person (duh, how I got into this mess...) so it's impossible for me to hate him, and instead almost understand why and how it all happened. and people just want me to be this cold person because that's "what he deserves" but it's like I can't be a cold person. I'm not interested in being a cold person.

 

This is a terrible situation but...I think the people who are telling you that are right. It'll be awful for a while but it'll get better with time. You won't be able to start to heal until you're away from him though.

 

I mean yeah that's what people say. but I don't have an interest in healing or moving on so it's like... I don't know. I would honestly just lay around and be sad all the time, or lose my mind from being alone and sad all the time...

 

But it kinda sounds like you're sad all the time now...

 

exactly. minus the small amount of happiness I get when we're hanging out and laughing or whatever.

 

Hey Aaron, sorry you are going through this, honestly opening up about it like this even in this setting I feel like can help. When we keep stuff ruminating in our heads we KILL ourselves mentally. I truly believe no relationship goes by (especialy for 5 years) without trying times. My co-worker just had a similar deal, her girlfriend and her were hitting 5 years and were really not on the same page on anything. They both got into therapy, some sessions together, some seperate. This was about 6 months ago and they are doing GREAT now. I think it's important for you both to practice communication, say what's truly on your heart not only to each other (constructively of course) but to a professional. This is something that happens quite often! My co-worker now says she feels closer than ever to her s/o now that they have done something about it. That's the important thing, do something different about it. Sometimes it has to get dark before the dawn! This is also a great place to talk about it, we joke a lot but when each of us are inevitably going through something, we are here for each other.

 

Likewise, I understand and empathize with this feeling completely. Constantly torn between wanting to rip the band-aid off and doing whatever I can just to still be around her. I can't tell you what the right thing to do is, but our situations seem remarkably similar andit's comforting to know someone else knows how I'm feeling. I hope things clear up for us soon.

 

You are making it compliacted! We all do at times. You need a clean break. Like absolutely need it. You won't start healing until you do! Be brave! You got it in you.

 

i know i dont know the whole situation and am on the outside looking in but he treated you horribly and seems to be taking advantage of your kindness and empathy. i know letting go is hard but staying in that toxic situation is just gonna continue to eat you alive

 

I know what it’s like to not want to move on. I hate moving on. I actually think it’s healthy to sulk and live in one’s sadness rather than try to block it out and not process it, but only for a limited period of time. Maybe a week, two at the longest. Let yourself feel like a piece of shit...and then it’s time to work on moving forward. When it comes down to it, you know for a fact that eventually, one day down the road, you will have moved on, so take action to expedite the process. I am not saying it’s easy, at all, it’s fucking hard, but it can be done.