Mental Health Thread • Page 93

i look at this gif when I'm feeling like you are. Maybe it will help lol

 

Yeah but free market and competition and capitalism and it's actually good because...

Lol just kidding, corporatism sucks.

 

I was like wtf before I finished reading this haha

 

I am a medical social worker for people on dialysis with kidney failure. I have to help them often with geting assistance in paying for medications, that without them they would absolutely die- but are expected to pay hundreds of dollars a month for them. The whole system is bullshit. It is depressing. It is also depressing forming a connection with these people, and then having them pass away, somtimes right in front of you.

I have already had anxiety and depression issues for years (even ended up being hospitalized when coming out years ago) but being a social worker and having to be "strong" all the time for everyone is really messing with my mental health lately. I am completely burned out.

Also, I am struggling financially trying to support my wife and I and help pay for her to get through school. We are barely getting by and I am freaking out about it and feeling guilty that I can't do more than I am.

Bottom line: I am a mess right now.

 

Today someone mentioned that the first time they met me I didn't make them feel comfortable and on the one hand I get it, like I'm not good with ppl idk well. But on the other hand I get defensive like sry if my anxiety gets in the way of ur comfort?? Like I was uncomfortable too and I'm sorry I'm not more bubbly and talkative but like idk. U think u make a lot of progress on a certain front and then someone unknowingly tells you that actually u haven't. Just sucks.

 

I always feel like I come across as an asshole because RBF plus I'm not friendly and I'm shy

 

I'm a fairly dark natured yet light hearted person so I find I'm always balancing.
There's a balance between self destructive dark nature or just embracing anger/bleeding out in the most harmless instances vs. stayin as light hearted and grit and bear, smile; "Be the bigger person" through all. Lately however I feel that inner... dark nature bubbling up like it wants its voice heard over how fed up with the bullshit it is and it's so unconcerned for the perception of my own personal darkness/personality or consequences and I know it's not 100% right but it wants it's respect.
The other side is more focused on the big picture saying "Just grit and deal till we can take that aggression out screaming fuck everyone and everything" as we get the fuck outta here.

 

Man rbf strikes again!!


I actually smile a lot I just get nervous holding convos. I have to observe and gauge ppl for a while before I open up. Like not to brag (except kinda) but most people like me a lot lol, like way more than I like them. But it's that initial first few months that I make a horrible impression and seem cold and assholeish. I have a dark cynical sarcastic sense of humor so I always have to gauge it cause it can rub ppl the wrong way lol and I just take a while to feel comfy around others

 

I'm stressed and do not know how to calm down. I calmed earlier and now I'm back again. I'm gonna get so many wrinkles and grey hairs I cannot handle thissssssss

Thank God for novelas cause they're my only escape rn

 

I really fucking hate myself and feel lost. Wish I remembered what it felt like to be wanted.

 

A change of pace: today was a pretty great day for me. Paid for surgery, picked up the documents I need to change my name/gender marker, had a productive therapy session...I need to hold onto this feeling for days when I feel like shit, heh.

 

I hate having anxiety. I hate all the other mental probs I have. It makes it really hard to get through each day and form friendships and romantic relationships.

 

Congrats on paying for surgery and getting some steps done for changing your name!

 

omg lol yesssss



I want you all to know I love you. Even on the bad days, even when we're not posting here, know that there are people here who support you and love you.

 

What novelas do you recommend ? I've heard a lot of good things about Jane

The Virgin but still haven't got time to watch it

 

Thank you! It's an interesting journey, to say the least. Also, I'm from the 585, Canandaigua.

 

Whattttt?? Really?? We need to be friends! Us queer Rochester people need to stick together

 

El internado is on Netflix and it's great. I mean you have to be prepared for certain amounts of ridiculousness and over acting but if ur entertained by that like me it'll be good! La fea más Bella is also a good one. It has Jaime camil and he's always a joy. I'm watching Rebelde rn. Took me a while cause it's more melodramatic than I'm actually used to lol but it's so addicting.

Novelas are good for me cause they're SO ridiculous that it's perfect escapism

 

I'm a big fan of japanese and korean dramas so all those things are fine and so I'm used to over the top plots lol. Thanks, I'll check them out asap

 

ten days out from my last use. the last time i got this far i went seven months clean so im feeling rather confident in things right now. my trip this weekend was a big help and cleared my head a bit, im going home tonight and im pretty nervous about it but excited to see my family. just hoping the reason im going home doesnt put a dark cloud over everything. but it shouldnt, my parents are really supportive, im just anticipating at least one conversation of intense grilling about my relapse.. which i deserve and owe them answers for.

 

You can do this!

 

Fuck, I'm stuck in a train where a group of 3/4 drunk and stoned men have been stalking a young woman since before I joined. They're asking her age over and over again and things like that, and being really unpredictable. I didn't know how to react so out of fear, I excused myself (one of them was already mocking me and saying that he wouldn't assault us... while having a beer and some stuff idk what... weed in his hands), went to the toilet and called the train agency because they have a number for urgent cases. The guy I got was understanding and said that he would call some help. But I'm scared to the point of locking myself on those same toilets. I'm basically having an anxiety attack, and I feel bad about because I'm more or less safe unlike the woman I talked about. I feel useless

 

Proud of you. Seven months is a hell of an awesome thing. Your number might have been reset but you don't lose the experience and knowledge you've gained during that time.

 

That is my WORST nightmare. Hang in there.

 

Since last I posted I've been working hard at improve my lifestyle. Sometimes it works, other days it doesn't. I must say that even on the days I am able to control myself, I have a difficult time keeping my mind from going to a sexual place.

Progress also temporarily halted on Sunday night/morning, when I was feeling suicidal urges after being exceptionally horny. I let myself get carried away with self pleasure, but it didn't end up leaving me in a temporary state of... I don't know...it didn't temporarily ward off/push down my depression like it usually does. It didn't provide the distraction it usually does.

I began to feel beyond what depression I have usually been feeling recently. I felt completely worthless and wanted to end my life. I've been in situations before where I've actually made attempts on my life, particularly I almost succeeded last September, and had it not been for my brother, I would have. This time I didn't end up trying anything, but I did feel so completely awful and just... I felt disgusted with myself and my life. I practically gave up, I had no more energy.

Today I'm feeling a bit neutral and I've been able to just barely ward off my sexual feelings as a distraction, but it's still not completely pleasant for me to deal with. My body is still always wanting it and certain things don't help. When I'm browsing facebook, I'll see some of my female friends and that makes me almost slip back into having these irresistible sexual urges. Like I said I've been able to ward it off but it's a huge struggle.

Something that has been pushing me down into my depressive state is missing my girlfriend. Her and I grew up together and we were always so close. She was my best friend but also so much more, if that makes sense. We shared everything together, even after I moved to the US. Losing her was and still is the hardest thing in my life. Everything I experience feels so empty without her. Her death really has fucked me up over this last year and it really doesn't feel like it is ever going to get better. She was everything to me.