Mental Health Thread • Page 474

I don’t have kids but this is where I’m at this morning. Yesterday was a day to be angry and numb and now I feel motivated to turn that anger into something productive.

 

I had to start therapy in 2020 when my partner of 4 years became extremely radicalized during the pandemic to a degree that I did not know that person anymore and had to cut them out of my life. There were no warning signs, he was a Bernie supporter previously. In addition to some of the deeply gross and self-interested behavior I saw on a day-to-day basis, just going to the grocery store or driving. I really began to believe people were bad and not to be trusted and it absolutely fucked my worldview.

I cannot continue to believe that people are bad. Are they self-interested? Yes. Are they too easily persuaded by the media? Yes. I do not, and cannot, believe that everyone who voted for trump is a bad person. A large % of his vote was not the ultra-MAGA yadda yadda, but people who endured hardship due to inflation that was global in scale and think that change may actually come because groceries were cheaper 4 years ago.

I have to keep believing there is hope even though this whole feels sickening, especially as a woman. I live in Delaware and my plan for the next several years is to get as involved as I can in Pennsylvania. As easy as it would be to give up, that's what they want and I can't be idle and complain about the result. I can sit sit here and say fuck unity and I'm not talking to these people, etc. And a lot of them are lost causes, sure. but what else can we do but try idk.

 

Yeah, the whole "cutting off everyone I know who voted for Trump" thing is understandable, but not practical for all (myself included considering both my parents voted for him, which I probably knew deep down and shouldn't have asked but I did anyways, and considering the year we had and the increased role they're going to play in our lives next year...). I know they are not hateful and honestly do not like the man at all, but they are Christians, and nothing will ever convince them to vote pro-choice. Beyond that, I think a lot of people felt the effects of inflation over the past four years and even if his solution is a shitty one/incorrect, Trump promised a lot of people a return to prices during his first term while the Dems basically said "ACTUALLY, inflation is down" and offered nothing beyond that.

I agree that most people are self-centered, especially if they're isolated/rural/not online constantly exposing themselves to the struggles of others. It's disappointing, frustrating, and upsetting, but I don't think cutting them out of my life improves the situation for anyone, tbh. Sorry, rambling, thinking out loud.

 

For my own sanity I have to cut these people out no matter how close they are to me, but I also am someone in a place of privilege where I can do that and have little repercussions. How many of my friends and loved ones are going to be persecuted because of this new regime that easily could have avoid if people just educated themselves and had a heart is really tearing me apart.

Seeing all the young men saying "your body, my rights" to women all over the country today makes me want to scream. I will always fight for injustice but I no longer at this point feel like I can fight it from within this system which is so deeply corrupted and broken. Trying to figure out plans to make sure my family and my friends are safe.

 

I’ll give a pass to people if they voted for him the first time because people make mistakes and grow, and view points change. But for a 3rd time… no thanks. It’s ok to be republican, but a maga is a different story in my book. You don’t have to support the candidate of the political party you affiliate with.
They can never answer the question “when was America great and for who”. Because America has never been great. I consider myself moderate as I agree and disagree with view points on both sides. Trump is a rapist, insurrectionist, 34 count felon, wannabe dictator etc. the fact that that means nothing to maga while they chanted “lock her up” to Hilary and called her a criminal… but turn a blind eye on their cult leader speaks volumes imo. especially if people that worked for him have spoken on how dangerous he is.

 

Yeah, that's the thing. I feel like it should be mentioned that there's so much nuance here to everyone's family and friends' situations right now and people have to do what they think is personally correct for them right now. I just can't associate with people who actively voted against their daughters' rights just because they wanted "immigrants to stop stealing their jobs" and groceries to be less expensive. My friend's daughter now has to go to school with boys who are shouting that she's their property because their fathers are Trumpsters and raised them to be toxic pieces of shit.

I can turn the other cheek to certain things and be forgiving because that's a necessity in life and having a good heart is always better than being filled with hate, but things are different now. The country is legitimately shaking and I need to spend what energy and love I have on the people that deserve it right now.

 

Two weeks into Trintellix and I feel it's helping at least stabilize my mood somewhat; jury is still out on the anxiety. Will be going up in dosage when it's time to renew my prescription in two weeks mostly to avoid the cost hit so soon.

My psychiatrist also wants me to start on Mirtazapine, which he says should help improve my insomnia and also help with the anxiety/depression more than the Trazadone does. Luckily that one's nice and cheap (with insurance), so no added stress there.

 

I take Mirtazapine for that reason. It totally helps.

 

Any side effects?

Read some reddit threads and its made me a little anxious lol

 

I think I took mirtazapine for a bit but it didn’t do much for me but I didn’t have any negative side effects either.

 

I stan mirtazapine. Love being able to sleep. No neg side effects for me

 

It’s definitely helping me sleep which is great. Two nights of 7+ hours of sleep. Haven’t had even one night in months like that.

did leave me groggy yesterday, enough I didn’t even take another dose last night. But I realized today I am not supposed to take it like I did trazadone (prescription said as needed) and rather every day instead so whoops. Still felt a little groggy into even today after just one dose but much more tolerable.

 

Nope

 

Had an old acquaintance that I hadn't heard from in a few months pop back up yesterday. He was never great at accepting boundaries, even when I got pretty explicit with them (which is rare for me), so I was kind of relieved when he disappeared for a bit. Anyways, he messaged about how one of my posts about not being able to see people for a while "hurt his feelings when he was drunk." I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, but when I looked...I think he was referencing my pregnancy announcement? And if so, like...the vibes are bad, man. I don't know how you read someone's half-joke about how busy they're gonna be with a pregnant wife and eventual child as something personal, but if that's the case, I think I have to cut him off. That seems like an extremely reasonable thing that 99% of people would and should understand.

I'm also really jittery today because I requested a raise a couple of weeks ago and just got a meeting invite for Friday afternoon. I really have no idea what to expect. Most of my interactions with the Dean have been positive, so I think it's workplace PTSD from the last job that has me feeling like I'm in trouble. The Dean's secretary was basically like "I know you have bad anxiety like I do, I can't say too much but it's not a bad meeting, just be open and remember that she has to do what's best for the college, but also fights for her people," which tracks with most of my experiences here. It sounds like they might meet me in the middle or at least help me make plans to get to where I want to be, which I would honestly be happy with. Preparing for a no, hoping for something. I'm just going to be so anxious until Friday afternoon.

 

I got the call that my dad was sick a year ago today. He died a few weeks later on Christmas Eve. It was really hard seeing him laid up in a hospital bed when he had been so physically fit and mentally strong my entire life. Stage four pancreatic cancer seemingly out of nowhere. No family history, and no indication up until he had to be hospitalized.

The grief comes in waves, and it's punctuated by these milestones. I wish I could talk to him instead of begging to see him in my dreams.

 

Decided to stop therapy because I felt like it was pointless. Then I go on Facebook and see that someone I went to college with died a few months ago. 33 years old. Left behind a wife and two kids.

 

I can't fucking wait for my ex to get out of here, man.

 

She's had this trip planned to visit her brother in Nashville Thursday night to Monday night.

First she asked if I can give her a ride to the bus stop for a 2 am pick up. I said I'm sorry but that's too late for me on a work night. But it's a park and ride, you can just leave your car there for free. I did that a few years ago when I went on my work trip to Indiana.

She complains about being worried about it being broken into.

A few days later she's like "ugh, my parents want me to go all the way down to their house (an hour away) and then all the way to Boston (another 45 mins to an hour away). Such a dumb extra waste of time"

Me: damn, yeah that's dumb

*Complains about it for 2 days*

Her: yeah fuck it, I'm just gonna take the bus. That's too much stress

Me: yeah, I don't blame you.

*Several days to a week later. Tonight. She's leaving tomorrow night*

She makes some mention of me giving her a ride

"What? I never said I would do that. I have work! Your bus is at 2 am on a Thursday night and comes back at 2:30 am on a Monday night"

Proceeds to flip out on me saying I agreed to it. Says "fine, I'll just tell my parents what you're making me do" (threatening me because her dad doesn't like me and is hinting that he's gonna leave me with nothing when they come to move her out). Again, I reiterate she can leave her car there for free. "If it gets broken into, I'm blaming you." I again say I did the same thing to get to my flight out of Boston. "Yeah that's because you have a shitty little Civic that nobody wants"

Dude... It's a fucking 2019 Civic EX with 12,000 miles on it in pristine condition. Fuck all the way off about someone breaking into your older CX-5 with 120,000 miles on it.

I'm going to lose my mind. And once again I'm still feeling guilty. Even though I know I'm in the right. And I'm still like "idk, maybe I drop her off. Then on Monday I drop her car at the bus station after work and Uber home. It's only 8 minutes away."

THIS SHOULDNT BE MY PROBLEM THOUGH. For the last several years I just live in a constant state of guilt and shame because she's always convincing me of how much of a selfish jerk I am (which, I am to a degree. I was a shitty partner who stopped giving a fuck). I feel like it's crushed my self esteem into the ground.

 

The worst part of it all is I do have an extremely bad memory. To the point where I'm starting to get a little worried. And part of me is like "did I agree to this??" But I don't know why I would have since I know I have work and I know I told her that. I don't know if she's gaslighting me or if I'm genuinely forgetting, which is actually like, super common for me haha

 

She's gaslighting you. And even in the smallest, remote chance that she wasn't, she's talking to you like a child throwing a tantrum. "Daddy will do this and your stuff is junk."

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

 

Thanks, I really appreciate that. Idk. I do need to grow up and I haven't been thoughtful, but she was just always dogging me for being a selfish jerk. Her dad hates me because one time when I picked her up I didn't get the car door for her. I know I could've done better and all, but I'm just an oblivious guy and didn't grow up in a family where that was normal. I wanted to change. Just hard breaking old habits. I was not an amazing fiance, I recognize that, but this is just so toxic and has been for so long.

She even mentioned earlier tonight that her brother is trying to set her up with someone down there. Which, I really don't care about tbh. But then we got in another fight later tonight, and in a taunting tone is like "his name is Ryan. He's from Chicago. He also works in IT."

I literally just had a smirk on because I like.. truly, truly do not give a fuck what she does. It's childish as fuck and I'm over it. But now I do have to be worried about her when she moved out while I'm not here. Before the breakup, she literally let it slip to me that she took our old roommate's toothbrush to her toilet and litter box out of spite like 9 years ago.

Sorry for all the venting. I'm just so angry right now. Thank God she's at least gonna be out of here for 4 days and then plans to pack as quickly as possible to avoid being here for the holidays

 

That seems like a really hard situation. In my break ups I need to just cut any reference of the person out for a while until the strong feelings and that stomach pit thing goes away. It’d be so hard to still have to be around the person a lot.
It does sound like you are being manipulated. It might be good for both of you to set more boundaries and expectations.

 

From the sounds of it she sounds like not a good person. We are all selfish to a degree, and we mess up, and hopefully thrive to be better. @RyanPm40 don't let her act like she deserves girlfriend treatment.

 

@RyanPm40 also while opening up the car door is a nice romantic thing to do it isn't a big deal if we forget. I'll do it for my girl if I remember, but sometimes we are in a rush we got shit to do, I don't think her dad would even notice much less hate me for forgetting to open the car door a few times.

 

Imma keep it a buck I don't think I've ever opened the car door for my wife and I don't think it's something either of us have ever dwelled on lol. I open doors for her all the time, but car door? We both got arms and we're getting in separate sides of the vehicle lol