Mental Health Thread • Page 38

My mom just a call that one of her classes was given to a different teacher (fuck higher education politics) three days after my grant was reduced. We literally do not have enough money to pay our bills and I have no clue what to do. I'm supposed to be strong for her but I've been barely holding myself together for the past couple of months and I don't think I have the mental strength to help her. Also I just do not know how we're going to pay bills. Shit.

 

everything hurts, literally.
i'm tired.
i don't see the point in being nice to people.

 

Sending all my love to you and your mom. That's a hard situation to be in.

 

*hugs* to everyone

 

awful, awful day. I'm trying to focus on the positive that I got to see a friend whom I haven't seen in a while but there's even things about that that are making me feel shitty. i'd go shower cry but I don't have the energy i'm exhausted.

 

Had my first *real* therapy session yesterday. I was really excited and anxious to get started but all it ended up being was an extension of the questionaire from the first time. At least I only have to wait 4 days for my next session instead of 10.

 

Not having a great time mentally. Can't really explain or put into words more than that, but I'm pretty miserable.

 

Last night I was telling someone that idk if I could recognize my ex's face if I saw him on the street, which is a nice feeling. I did see him a few months ago and it felt like my insides froze but I walked past without acknowledging him which was good. But I don't think I would know it was him if he was alone. The person I was talking to judged me for it and I was like *shrug* sry I don't remember someone's face from like 5 years ago. In the words of someone who hasn't released an album in like 4 years so I'm unhappy with them, "I'm feeling strong and I'm moving on!"

Except it does suck when you're totally over a person but not what they did so like woo I'm good in one area but flopping in another lol

 

I'm so done with having the lowest self esteem ever. There have been a couple times this week that a bunch of my "work friends" have hung out without inviting me and probably it doesn't mean anything but I still feel like shit

 

@AelNire you the best

 

Taking astronomy online was the worst idea I've ever had. I'm trying to do homework but it's just giving me an existential crisis and I'm about to cry in Starbucks. Damnit.

 

whattup thread! good vibes and hugs to all of you.

every day has felt longer and lonelier since my break up. my grandfather is dying soon and i really (stupidly) want the emotional support my ex used to provide through this and it's getting tough constantly reminding myself i don't need her or anyone.

 

Long self esteem rant ahead!

I wonder how my life would be if I had higher self esteem. All my life my self esteem factored into how I allowed people to treat me. I'm a lot better now but it's still an ugly side of me I don't like. I used to be obsessed with comparing myself to every woman in the room. Watching how my mom tears women apart while we watch tv I see how I ended up internalizing that, and she made some comments about my looks when I was young too so that didn't help. But then her parents are similar so she never stood a chance. My entire adolescent existence was craving male attention and despairing that I'd never know what it's like to be truly beautiful or get all the guys. Even now I think about how I'll never be that gorgeous girl that walks in the room and everyone stares, and then it bothers me that it's a thing I even think about. Do guys think about stuff like that lol??

Now my self esteem is more tied to how I am as a person and social interactions. I second guess myself constantly and build up these walls to push people away and then I act upset when people don't include me in social things. I don't even like doing social things but then I feel bitter watching the people in my life have fun without me. I set myself up so I can never win lol idk what my deal is.

 

Not to be reductive and address only one point in your writing @Kiana, but yes, guys think about stuff like that all the time. I spent the majority of the wedding I was just at wishing my shoulders filled out my dress shirt or that I could grow a full beard instead of this teenage-male-like beard I currently have. I know it feels like such a unique problem when we're going through a rough spell or in the day to day grind, but it's definitely something that is universal. Every girl you may've felt is better than you likely is beaten down by the same societal standards that they feel they don't meet.

Between media, parents/grandparents, friends, bullies, teachers, etc., it's very hard for anyone to be fully self-confident about anything. Half the battle is just faking it until you can get through 60% of your days without crippling blows to one's self esteem. Or that's what I think, at least.

 

Def true. I compared myself a lot to my sister and bff growing up who I thought were gorgeous, feeling like the "ugly" friend or whatever but they have insecurities even worse than my own I think. Sucks that so many people beat themselves up and how that mindset destroys so many ppl and prevents them from being as happy as they could be. But then even knowing that I'm not sure how to overcome it either. Blegh I just wanna tear it all down

I bet ur beard looks banging btw!

 

I wanted to be my brother so bad growing up. He's nine years older than me and was my hero. I feel like I've largely gotten beyond my self-esteem issues but I have no idea how. Maybe I'm just suppressing the feelings, to be honest. It's a weird thing where I feel like my life has become very settled and a lot of my issues have seemed to dropped away but I have no idea how or why. I wish I had advice on how I've done it but the best I can do is say that I was a goddamn shit show (particularly for a solid 5-6 years) in terms of depression and self esteem.

 

I'm glad a lot of those issues have dropped away for you. That's so awesome! I think many of my self esteem issues have dropped away just with age and coming into my own. Couldn't pay me to be back in my tortuously insecure middle school mindset. With age I've started caring less and focus on expressing myself and trying to be content with that as opposed to wishing I was something unattainable. Still, there's that dumb pervasive insecure part of my brain that likes to come out sometimes and I wish I could undo that. Or maybe like you said they just get suppressed and buried deep down haha

 

it sucks but when I was in my long term relationship my self esteem was so high and I have definitely noticed that since being single I have totally dropped back to that place of second guessing myself and dressing to impress instead of how I want. I really DON'T want to be like that, but it just kinda happened and I was surprised that I still had that part in me.

 

This probably seems like a weird video to link to, but I'm going to do it anyway, but try to give a brief aside as background for the video. This is a show where comedians sit around talking about anything that comes up and a decent portion of this video is them talking about finding their voice, overcoming their own mental hurdles in terms of depression or the feeling of insecurity. There's a point where one of the comedians is describing how a lot of their actions are still dictated by a need to be accepted or loved by the audience and the host, Paul Provenza who has been a comedian for decades, shouts "does that ever go away?!" and Garry Shandling says "not according to anyone I've talked to."

Even if you're not into stand up comedy, I think this is a good watch. It's got some laughs but some very, very applicable lessons/discussions relevant to just life in general. I find that it's helped me more than I thought it did when I first watch it. I've probably seen it a dozen times now.

 

Long aside about self-esteem incoming: I've also struggled with a lot of self esteem issues and I really understand where you guys are coming from. I was always upset that I was never "that guy" that all the girls wanted or I was never the star basketball or football player or whatever. I thought I was never going to be good enough to do anything... Luckily I started gaming and focusing on school more and more. And then I realized my passion for both gaming and learning. Now I play videogames semi-professionally and I'm that guy that could tell you a random fact a day that you probably didn't have to know for the rest of your life. Also, playing videogames I struggled with people making fun of me or worrying about that it was a "nerdy" or whatever hobby but then I just stopped caring. Shit, I'll be honest with you guys, I've developed such a not care attitude with what other people think that I starting playing with Yugioh cards again. Yeah, I'm almost 23 years old and I haven't played since I was probably like 11. It was just something I enjoyed doing and I wanted to play again. Ended up going to local tournaments every weekend and people who are almost 30 are playing so honestly I just felt more comfortable. I think a lot of it is just age and the other half is just letting the good drown out the bad. I've started doing this thing where if I think of 1 thing negative about myself, I say out loud (if I'm alone) a list of 5+ things that make me amazing. I know that may not work for all of you guys but I just felt like sharing my experience on the subject. Love you guys and if anyone ever needs to talk, you know where to find me!

 

You stream at all?

 

I do sometimes but lately I just don't have the time/effort to put into it. And also I'm not much of a "personality" I'm just good at videogames lol.

 

Ahh gotcha. I've gotten pretty into watching a few youtuber's/twitch people in the last 18 months. Was gonna throw a view your way!