Mental Health Thread • Page 370

Time sucks. Just seeing how fast my kids grow makes me feel old. That and every 10,15,20 year anniversary of albums that were so important to me growing up. Every once in awhile I see how old my parents are now. Surreal and terrifying.

 

losing my grandfather earlier this year and seeing my grandmother recently (shes currently in the hospital from a fall) really opened my eyes to the reality of getting older. my parents arent that old but even seeing them at their age is upsetting to me. in my mind my dad will always be who he was in his 30's and 40's now that he's 60 its sad to notice the things that signal his aging. my moms a few years younger than him and takes care of herself very well but i know sooner or later time will catch up to them. and then it'll catch up to me. turning 30 this year really sucks.

 

My parents are relatively young and I have had significant anxiety about something happening to my dad since I was a kid. I'd be even more of a wreck if they were older. My bfs parents are the age of my grandparents and I can tell how painful it is for him to see his parents in such chronic pain as they age, especially as they are very low income and have no means to live comfortably or take care of themselves. When we visited his parents last, his mom asked if he'd be willing to be a caretaker for his dad if it came down to it, and it really messed him up. If my dad throws out his back I'm a wreck for like a week. I can't even imagine. I'm gonna get myself all worked up thinking about it!

 

I have older parents (72 and 70) and I notice little things each time I see them and it breaks my heart and I have to do everything in my power to not just dwell on it the rest of the day.

 

My dad turned 63 last week and he’s been on dialysis for a few years now because his kidney has failed him and he needs a heart transplant as well. His ability to do dialysis at home has now failed him so he has to go in to the medical center to do it. Every time something else goes wrong, I can feel the march of time. It’s strange, lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how old I was when my dad was the age I am now. I’m 36. When my dad was 36, I was 9. He was…so young. And I always saw him as “older” and my dad, but now I’m 36 and I don’t feel my age (until something sporadically hurts for no reason at all) and it’s weird to think about. Eventually my father will pass away and I literally will be his replacement. My own son turns 7 in October and he currently looks at me the same way I once looked at my dad at this age without realizing he too is here to replace me.

 

Between all my grandparents, my dad, a cousin, and my younger brother all being dead before I graduated high school, I kind of accepted death a long time ago. Don’t think anyone here should be at this point. Most people don’t have that much loss at a younge age. I don’t wish it on anyone. I’m totally fucked up more because of it.

 

I'm starting to lose a reason for living. And I know if I tell a therapist this, they're going to try and have me committed, which I can't allow to happen again and I can't afford to miss any days work.

If I'm not at work, I'm not doing anything besides spending all day in bed watching tv shows and movies. And I don't see how to get out of this.

 

its really starting to dawn on me what it means that my relationship is, if not over, then indefinitely 'on hold' and its not an easy pill to swallow. six years. we were together for six years. there were so many ups and downs. the downs were fucking brutal lows, i wont even lie to you, but the good times we had were always the absolute best of my life. even during our darkest days i look back and smile because i wasnt alone. being alone and really accepting that i am, in fact, alone for the first im six years is a lot to take in. most nights i go to bed incredibly upset but wake up newly refreshed only to find myself sad again at the end of the day that my partner i had to wind every single day down with is no longer there. yeah, we still message each other, and we talked to each other on the phone for a while the other day (and she sounded happier than ive heard her in fucking ages, which hurts but is also ultimately all i want for her) but its not the same. having no idea when or even if i'll ever actually see her again is weighing on me. having made all these exciting plans for when she moved out here and realizing that next week when i move into my condo it really is just going to be me is fucking me up.

not that im afraid im going to start using again or anything, its weird because on the flip side of all this ive never been more sure that im going to be sober for the foreseeable future and maybe some of that confidence is because im out of that relationship and really doing all of this for me. knowing i dont have to rely on her for my sobriety is a liberating feeling, but everything else that comes along with it just fuckin hurts, man. and its not even like i have any anger toward her or resentments or anything, thats still my best friend in the entire world and always will be, and somehow i feel like that makes it all hurt even deeper. like if i had something to be mad about and could hold it against her in my head i wouldnt feel such a deep sense of pain right now. maybe thats stupid because thats how my past break ups always went. but that was when i was a teenager. she was the only adult relationship ive ever known and i grew up a lot in our six years together. shes even younger than me so of course she did too and i never felt like we grew too far apart from each other to where we shouldnt be in a relationship anymore but maybe she feels differently. in talking to her about our situation she seems to be holding a lot of the same feelings i am about sadness that things are over for now but she still doesnt feel overall mentally healthy enough for us to be together right now. which i obviously understand to a degree no one else would. and at the end of the day im probably not clean enough to jump back into our relationship either. she needs to know and i need to know that i can maintain my sobriety without needing to lean on her. and that will take time. sorry im just rambling at this point. i know things will get easier as time goes on. and maybe things will work out one day where we can be together again. im just afraid im going to be absolutely crushed if they dont.

 

The circumstances are different, but my fiancee and I broke up (twice) for extended periods of time during our 10-year run (getting married in October) and as someone who's at least been through that part of your situation, I gotta say, you actually sound like you're handling it really well. You're self aware of your emotions conflicting with each other and also seem to be okay with that, even if it sucks. Some of the hardest pills to swallow are the most necessary; clearly, you know that. The best advice I can give, cliche as it is, is to take it one day at a time. I'm glad you both still have a relationship for now because it sounds important to you both healing. Someday that may lead to closure, or it may lead to you two being together like it did in my case. But either way, it sounds both healthy and necessary. As sad as I am that you're going through it, you should know that you sound good and that in a way, I'm happy for you. Time sure does love to take its time, but regardless of how it shakes out, I have great confidence in you. Hang in there bud

 

Not doing great today. I almost never feel well-rested these days, even when I get 7+ hours of sleep. I dreamt about reconciling with that friend that exited my life and it sucked waking up to realize it didn't happen, even if it's for the best. I miss her. I also had one of those random dreams where you're with an ex or a crush (this time from high school), and you have a really nice and loving experience with them, again to wake up and realize they're not a part of your life anymore. And I'm in a happy, committed relationship, but it's more of a shock to the system than anything. Hate that my brain is doing this to me.

 

In a very similar situation to some degree myself and we are about to hit a year since we broke up. It’s tough.

 

I’ve also been having similar dreams and just very very vivid dreams and it takes me an hour or so to sort of come to when I wake up. It’s just very disorienting and unsettling.

 

Hope you’re doing okay.

 

Time is wild man.

Like, I remember when my dad was my age. He's 61 now.

My grandparents have been gone now for 5 years.

November will be 2 years since my step father passed away.

Also, how the hell am I almost 40?

I'm terrified.

 

I don't like to be on this struggle bus and most days I'm ok with the fact that It will never be me...

But a very good friend of mine just posted that she is pregnant.

and as over the moon happy I am for her and her husband (who I've known since the 1st grade)....

I'm so sad right now that I won't ever be pregnant or a mom.

Feeling so ridiculous that I'm crying about this at my desk rn....but its starting to hit me a little harder as I'm staring 40 in the face.

 

I'm so sorry. I'm here if you ever need to talk

 

Thank you.

Its hit me a lot harder this year because of the fact that I am in Pre-menopause...Just like the doctors said I would be 7 years ago after my ectopic pregnancy.

Its hard for me lately to see my friends who are my age, maybe even a few years older, getting pregnant.

but I'm so happy for those who can. I just still can't believe its over for me, ya know?

 

I was referred to a place regarding an IOP for anxiety and depression, but had my assessment this morning and was told they wouldn’t be able to take me until I’ve received treatment for disordered eating first.

I sort of get why they think it’s something that needs attention, but it’s hardly the most pressing issue at the moment. Pretty frustrated that I have to take a detour for who knows how long before I’m able to receive help for what I actually contacted them about.

 

Today was rough. Just so depressed and I couldn't break from it. Sometimes I just dwell wondering how this is actually my life. Idk what I thought my life would be like. Idek if I thought I'd ever make it this long. But I just can't believe this it. Some days I panic thinking of death and how fast time goes by and other days like today I dread doing this for decades longer. I don't have a positive outlet or hobby or friends. Without work I just do nothing, but when I'm at work I'm miserable and stressed. Literally the only way I can sometimes get dressed in the morning is like treating myself to Starbucks then I feel bad cause they suck too. It's like everything that could make me feel better i also have a negative relationship with. I know I never would because I love my family too much, but sometimes I romanticize the days where you could just leave and start a new life. But even if I wanted to or could, I know that wouldn't help either, because the problem is psychological and I can't run from my own brain. Meh.

 

Took the day off work. Couldn't sleep for shit (I almost never have problems sleeping) and woke up with a bad stomachache. I would have been fine going in, and I actually like my job okay, but my sleep-deprived ass at 7am just couldn't deal with the idea of getting up for an 8.5 hour day on no sleep.

Now I'm worrying because I only have 27.5 hours of personal time for vacation (in addition to what is now maybe 10 hours of sick time). I need 37.5 for my honeymoon and have no idea if they'll let me use that sick time or take a day unpaid or something. They've been pretty good about everything so far, so there's no reason to think they won't work with me, but it's stressful when I already have the tickets purchases and I've just got that guilt of having taken what is essentially a mental health day without thinking first. Bleh.

 

My sleep has been off lately. last Wednesday night, I was exhausted but I ended up laying awake, mad af that I couldn't fall asleep. I'm on fucking sleep meds too so I get even more mad. I swear to god its the weather or the climate or the moon or all 3.

As for your job, they should let you use sick time. Cause honestly they don't even call it sick time anymore...You can use any and all PTO whenever you want.

 

Yeah, it seems like most places have done away with “sick time” and now it’s all just PTO. Does your job has a PTO accrual schedule you could use to calculate how much you’ll have ahead of time (we get 4 hours of PTO every pay period)? I would hope if you talk to HR or whatever ahead of time they’d be able to help you figure something out since it’s a big life event and already scheduled/paid for.

 

My sleep has been so fucked up for a couple weeks now and really starting to irritate me

 

Good news! I checked my balance after doing some time-sensitive stuff I forgot about (and they'll pay me for it) and I must have gotten another day when September 1st hit, because I have enough time now :)

My boss also emailed me back and told me not to worry about it re: calling in sick and just to focus on feeling better. I think my last job traumatized me with this stuff because I really do work with great people right now. I'm lucky. Now I can actually enjoy the second half of the day off.

 

Awesome! I worked retail for almost 10 years before finding something more “corporate” and I’m still recovering from the hostile ways some businesses handle PTO/sick time so I understand the worry.