Mental Health Thread • Page 25

In an hour I'm going to have a meeting with a psychiatrist for the first time. I've been prescribed prozac but not a big fan of it so I'm going to meet wit someone and see where it goes. Cue the anxiety

 

My mom's blaming me for not doing enough research on insurance plans because my brother is turning 26 in October and will no longer be qualified for her insurance, because he needs his mental health treatments. Of course it's my fault for not having a backup plan for her because she doesn't understand English.

 

I have so much anxiety about tomorrow.

Also I'm getting anxious about dating stuff now.

Basically I'm anxious and have no one to talk to about it so here I am.

 

Sometimes I wish I was a funner person. I think partly that my uptight nature is just from my reserved shy personality but I think it's always been partly depression as well that keeps me from wanting to participate + anxiety of course. My sisters and nephew are going swimming tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I don't wanna go but I wanna spend time with them so I will. I'm really going to try to be a good sport. I hate being known as the debbie downer that doesn't express emotion or have fun and I think that's all my family sees me as sometimes.

 

Lexapro here I come!

 

Yep I was right. Hello super depressed me.

 

No changes today. More legal expenses in the future.

 

Everyone who knows me knows I don't talk on the phone unless I have to. My BFF called me in the middle of the day today and the last time she did that she lost her job. Today I barely said hello before she was WAILING. I just knew someone was dead bc I have never heard her cry like that before.

Turns out the guy that she hasn't dated but for a few months and is building a house with gave her an sti. We know he cheated bc she hasn't slept with anyone but him last time she got checked and he's avoiding the question and leaving the house to avoid talking about it.

As if things couldn't get any worse..she's pretty sure she's pregnant. She has been mad with me for a few weeks bc I love her and I'm always honest with her even if she doesn't want to hear it. I said building the house was a bad idea and moving in together like 3 weeks after they met was a terrible idea too. She is blinded by wanting the traditional family life and makes stupid decisions bc of it.

This is ridiculous but she wants me to move to ATL and live with her to help with baby if she is pregnant and doesn't get an abortion. She talked to her dad about it, he's a bigshot rich Doctor, and he said he'd buy us a place and he doesn't want me to pay him back if I moved in. He works at Emory which is a top notch badass hospital. He said he's positive he could get me into the lab.

My head hurts from trying to wrap my brain around this. It sounds nice in theory but I've never wanted to live in the city. I would move heaven and earth for her but I don't think mentally I could handle all of that right now. Sometimes I'm too compassionate and her dad knows that and plays off of it almost like he's guilt tripping me. It boils down to if I'm there he won't have to deal with her.

She knows everything I'm currently going through and what I have dealt with in the past and I feel mad at her for putting me in this situation. I'm trying to take care of myself and I don't have the emotional stability for all of this. Whenever I say no to her I feel like she's going to leave me and never talk to me again but I can't sacrifice my well being for someone else no matter how much shit we've been through together.

This turned into a novel and I'm sorry. Needed to vent real quick! ❤️

 

I got into the Ophthalmology Tech program, despite bungling the application. Now I have to wait to hear back from the Sonography program, but I'm super conflicted about which program I should accept and that it'll mean I'll have to quit my job again.

 

I'm tired and I want to help my brother, but it's like he doesn't want to help himself or accept help.

And sometimes the things our mom says makes me realize like no wonder the two of us have issues.

 

I know that thinking of myself whenever something terrible happens in the world is selfish and probably annoys people. Awful things are happening every day, every time I log onto twitter, #PrayFor(insert city) is trending and I just don’t know how to cope. I’m running out of words to say. Sending my thoughts and love isn’t enough… I feel like I have to shut myself away from the news again, only use my phone for social media so I don’t see trending news. I cry every day for all the pain and horror in the world. I’m so full of compassion and empathy that all the things happening in the world each day are becoming too much for me to handle. I know I shouldn’t be making another tragedy about me. I’m just feeling hopeless and so upset about the world. I need to focus on the things that make me happy and spread love to the people important to me but it’s very hard to do right now

 

I think a lot of us feel helpless and scared, and I always feel like I should have a solution to everything but obviously I don't have one

 

I don't have any close friends at the moment. I mostly live on the internet because of my repulsive physical appearance (the weight gain from the antipsychotics caused half of my face to be fatter and look lopsided) and the fact that the medication I take heavily sedates me and contributes to sexual dysfunction. Having in depth conversations with anyone for therapeutic reasons could potentially be a waste of time, I dunno, seeing as even my current psychologist doesn't like me because I'm not very trustful of her based on previous experiences with the mental health care system the clinic is associated with (at one point while in a hospital the most recent time a few staff members took me into an isolated room and dislocated my knee because I flexed my non-existent muscles in front of them and yelled "LOOK AT MY MUSCLES" like Frank Booth (don't ask me why, seemed like a funny way to deal with the scariness of the place at the time)) and how she and the previous psychologists just basically prescribe medication to deal with me and I don't know if whatever they've prescribed is all that helpful, it seems to just numb me and sedate me and make it more difficult to feel alert, happy, energetic, etc. I wonder if I might be too fargone, as much as I wish it wasn't true.

 

I think I'm going to talk to my parents about starting on medication. Anything I should know/advice about antidepressants?

 

Unfortunately I've had the opposite reaction in that all of the bad things that have happened have left me numb and apathetic to these tragedies and that's a shitty, shitty feeling. I never used to feel that way, but my girlfriend told me about the incident in France and all I could do was just shrug and that makes me sad.

 

That can be something that you get past, I think. For years I was so numbed by medication and traumatic events (my guess) that I hardly cried when my father died unexpectedly and didn't cry at all when my uncle and aunt (my uncle used to make me laugh and my aunt was a sweet and caring person) died within the last year. Didn't even attend the funerals. And many of the mass shootings and tragedies at the time, aside from one or two, evoked almost nothing from me, which freaked me out and made me feel gross too. But recently when Orlando happened I sobbed uncontrollably several times and same with the two murders by cops and the recent mass murder shooting of cops. I think it depends on how long you feel numb and how much you hold it in, but at some point you could reach breaking point and start to feel emotional again in sad times. Don't blame yourself, if could be medication, trauma, or something else, who knows. That feeling of emotional numbness might be temporary.

 

Thanks. I'm sure it will pass. I guess I probably am just overloaded with the amount of shitty things happening on a regular basis and how little anything appears to actually be changing.

 

I'm so sorry that things are so shitty for you right now. You're definitely not "too far gone", no one is. Have you tried finding a new psychologist? If you don't trust yours then I can't see them really helping.

 

Love y'all. ❤️

 

This is why I advocate so hard for MH. It's comforting to know that I'm not just shouting into the void when I'm tweeting so much. I feel like what I do matters. P.s. to all of my followers feel free to unfollow me if I'm spamming you. ❤️

 

That's great! I've never really struck up a conversation with anyone on Twitter, but then I don't really know how to use it except to occasionally post one off jokes

Also there's a follow limit? Wtf?

 

Yeah it's so stupid but they do it so people/bots won't spam. If you have like 20,000 your limit is higher bc it's based on a followed to unfollowed ratio.

 

That's really weird. You're not even following that many people

 

I have been having a lot of problems with my account fucking up. It unfollows and follows by itself and Twitter support isn't answering me.

 

I walked in like 7-10 businesses today to ask them to hang up flyers for this charity 5k for my brother in law!! Everyone who said they'd help out have been MIA so the anxiety ridden person had to do it all lol but I did it!