Mental Health Thread • Page 223

i'm sorry hayley i hope u can heal from this sooner than later.

 

Thanks, I'll share it around and see if anyone can help out. Donated a little, but not a lot just now. But it's good to see it getting some traction! Please keep us updated on your situation. Wish I could help out more.

 

Thank you thank you thank you!! It really means a lot, especially with the morning I'm having.

 

I talked to my Dad for the first time in weeks, and he basically told me today that he won't help me, because I moved away and won't move back. Like, why would I want to move to be closer to such an emotionally abusive asshole? All of his family, save my grandparents, have treated me like a weirdo idiot all of my life. I thought that maybe coming out as queer to them would, I don't know, help change their perspective about me and sexuality in general, but I just can't get myself to do it, because I don't believe it would change them. I'll always be the screwed up one, because they are so deep into capitalist heteronormative ideology; they use it to justify all these things that are happening to me.

 

Did not expect it but fuck if I did not want the masculinity I was born with

 

I keep getting rejected from entry level jobs. Like immediate rejection. It's so stressful because I feel like I have to take a job I don't like just to try to make a little bit more money and even then it's hardly anything to live off of (and also get out of my current job). It's to the point where I'm in tears and I just keep feeling worthless. It's like I don't get a chance. Just a big NOPE. It's always been like this no matter what job I applied to. Even when I was 16. It's never ending. I'm just a huge reject and will have to work shit paying jobs for the rest of my being being depressed for the rest of my life

 

it absolutely fucking sucks. i have a BS and MS in biomedical engineering and was getting summarily rejected, like not even past the computer screening, because i 'only' have ~2.5 years of lab and pharma r&d experience. even just now i've got a first offer and it's through a temp agency so i dont get benefits or any job security. but... it's something? keep your chin up, something will come through

 

I thought I was doing better but turns out I still really don’t like myself

 

Ty I feel a lot better today. Although I won’t lie, my mom has given me a couple of Xanax halves (one Sunday night, one this morning) to help me get thru. It makes me feel guilty idk.

Anyway I’m making it and I hope everyone in here is doing okay

 

It's to the point where I get resentful just looking at my mom and I should be understanding but I'm just angry. I am also resentful I'm the only one of my siblings to take after her appearance. I feel like that led to weird projection where because I resembled her she would target me and project her insecurities on me specifically. I know I'm hard on her but I feel like if she could just take responsibility for her actions I could let a lot of it go. And I know I'm giving her a lot of power this way, but it's where I am. She seems to think forgiveness means she did nothing wrong and I can't give her that satisfaction so I just stew in resentment which is also not good.

 

I def understand, and it's totally okay to feel the way you do towards her.

at the end of the day I found all the cliches to be true regarding my father (that not forgiving him only hurt me, that he really was just trying his best). it just took me a loooong fucking time to accept that. eventually came to the space where I realized he was never going to change or see that he fucked up, and I could never get him to see this. and ultimately the reason he was so cruel is because of his own shame and pain he repressed.

but yea his ego was desperate to be seen as good, because deep down he felt like he was fundamentally bad. so all the badness was projected onto me (since I was an extension of him as opposed to my own individual free to flourish on his own path) and just relentlessly attacked as a stupid weird loner sissy boy who could do nothing right. and as you pointed out about your mom that's just the way he felt deep down, but had shoved the shame into the basement and created this overcompensation to cope.

I tried calm confrontation, yelling, stewing. eventually saw it didn't work. love really is the greatest protection against being hurt by others. and when you love them for how they are and for their entire narrative, it's actually impossible for them to cause you any more pain. it creates impenetrable personal boundaries not only to further abuse in the outer world but more importantly to our own internal abuse. it's freedom. way easier said than done tho.

a little thing that helped me was ho'oponopono, ancient Hawaiian forgiveness and letting go technique. for when you're
ready

 

My rejections have been coming within a few hours of applying from HR at a company I’m trying to apply to. My bf was even surprised with one of them because it’s VERY entry level position. The problem is where I’m trying to move there’s limited jobs that I can do that’s near by.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience

I waffle with it. Our relationship is ok on a surface level. I think she believes we are closer than we are. But it kills me because she talks to people and undermines my feelings by calling it a phase that I just had to get over, and then I won't give her the satisfaction of that so I lash out again and it's just a mess. I don't even bother arguing with her anymore cause it's pointless, but I hate that she sees it like I just needed to get over myself and come to reason, basically. When... No lol

 

I've been trying to put more personal stuff out into the world lately, and I appreciate your openness for sure.

and I gotcha, you just can't let her feel like she’s right. they really know how to push our buttons. you got this my fellow phosphorescent phoenix with shades of heaven casting through the hurt on your heart

 

ive completely and probably permanently ruined who i am thanks to drugs. my mental state is never stable, even when im able to quiet the part of me that wants to use drugs non stop i know that part is still there, waiting for the opportunity again, because i can never get rid of that part of me no matter how hard i try. its turned me into an extremely angry, extremely bitter, extremely sad person in a way i never was before. im combative with everyone about everything, im insecure and paranoid, i think everyone's out to get me and i'll never be good enough for anyone. most of all i just fucking hate and am disgusted at who is looking back at me in the mirror and everything ive done over the last three to four years. yeah i can stop myself from using for extended periods of time, ive already proved that, but what happens when my fucking fiend mind sees a window of opportunity to use and im once again too weak to stop myself? everyone's gonna start leaving me and give up on helping me if i keep relapsing, and there's no guarantee i'll never relapse again. i cant even pretend to say "never again" anymore because i know myself better than ever now. im a giant piece of shit who will pull one over on the people who love me just to get high.

 

sorry

 

@sophos34 you're far from a piece of shit

 

@sophos34 you're a much better person than you give yourself credit for. We love you

 

You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Staying clean in and of itself is a huge feat that requires immense strength - if it's being clean for an hour or a day or a week or longer. And not only that, but being strong enough to be vulnerable when you do relapse and to be honest with your loved ones about it is amazing and shows how far you've come.

 

mmmm more depressed and drinking harder than i been/have in a few years

 

I feel like I'm teetering on the precipice of a very bad depressive episode and part of me is like.. just wants whatever Bad Thing that is gonna set this off to happen already so I can get this shit over with

 

Same old feelings of thinking I can never fit in. It's so hard to make those connections and it's also hard to watch everyone around you make those connections with each other as you can't. I am so jealous of people who find spaces where they fit in. I always hear people talk about how the music scene and community is that for them, but it's never been that for me. Like I can't even fit in where the misfits say they can fit in. Even in spaces I feel like I should fit in because we have common interests, I just never feel that connection. I'm never the most interesting person to talk to. I'm never the one people want to continue the conversation with or see again. Even if people initially seem interested in talking to me, idk if they realize I'm boring or awkward or what but they sorta just dip out.

Sry throwing a pity party

 

Today hurts. I thought I was fine! I’m off work and got to sleep in and I laid in bed for a few hours just chatting w friends. And I got up to play playstation and my chest just felt so heavy. Like I can physically feel my emotions pent up in my chest. Idk why. I don’t wanna be like this. I wanna be better. I don’t wan to feel like this anymore.

 

The job market sucks, the housing market sucks, and the ratio of good-to-bad people is way too close. I want a reset button. (that is my future campaign slogan)

 

why do I feel so worthless