Mental Health Thread • Page 207

My aunt died. Dad left me a voicemail telling me, because that's how my dad operates. Don't know the COD but I'm 100% sure it's related to her alcoholism. I'm numb right now. I haven't called my mom yet.

I want to go home for her funeral. God I don't even know if they are going to have a funeral. My mom's two older siblings disowned my aunt years ago due to the drinking and general lack of ...idk trying to help herself at all. She had no one at the end. I hope her cats are okay :/

 

I'm still reeling over the loss of one of my favourite musicians and people on Friday. Went to a show Saturday in the hope that would help take my mind off things, but it all just came back worse than before on Sunday and I'm really struggling now. College is a dead end and everything I used to have as an outlet doesn't do anything for me these days. I had a music journalism career of sorts but I think I've lost my spark and should maybe just pack it in. I don't know what makes me happy anymore and I'm just so tired all the time no matter what I do. I wish there was a way out of this or at least something I could do to alleviate my despondency.

 

@BirdPerson I'm so sorry for your loss

 

thank you @mad


you know what's fun? having retail people do the "how are you? how's your day going?" and just flat out lying and saying it's going great because they don't really want to hear about how your aunt died and you're worried about your mom's mental health

 

what's less funny is finding out i need a referral from my PCP in order to get a consult with this phalloplasty doc. literally just let the medi-cal system pick me a PCP because i'm healthy and don't need to see a doctor pretty much ever. so who knows if this person is trans friendly or anything or what it'll take to even get a referral. nothing like calling up a random number and saying "yes hello i need a referral for a urinary specialist, oh what's my issue that i need the referral? oh i don't have a penis and it makes me want to die sometimes"

LOL GREAT SIGN I called the number on my insurance card, got transferred twice, almost a third time until I told the woman she was sending me back to the number i called already. so she took my info (she couldn't put me in the system for some reason) and now i wait for a call back within 24 hours. not holding my breath, and this was JUST FOR A FUCKING APPOINTMENT so i can't wait to find out what getting the actual referral is going to entail FUCK

 

Feeling like a loser that just doesn't fit into the working world like everyone else does

 

I’m sorry to hear of your loss @BirdPerson :( I hope you and your family manage to keep your chin up

 

Applied for a laboratory position that I qualify for. The only requirement is having a hs diploma or ged. No experience needed. I really hope I get an interview. If I don’t I’ll feel worthless.

 

i was totally wrong, i managed to get an appointment for TOMORROW WOWOWOW

 

Don't feel worthless if you don't get an interview. I think it's natural to feel sucky about it, but you never know what's going on behind the scenes. You never know if they're planning on hiring internally but need to conduct interviews as a formality, or who is friends with who, or that u may be perfectly qualified and a good candidate but someone with more experience or qualifications or who is excellent at interviews applies. I think we put our whole worth into applying for jobs when it's like 95% luck and timing. Good luck and I hope u get an interview! Just know that even if u don't get it, you're still great and worthy of a job that treats u well.

 

If they want to hire internal, I feel like it's a waste of time for those who they interview outside and get their hopes up for nothing. I check the website frequently and last time I checked there was only call center jobs open and even that they want call center experience, so I got lucky to see this appear as the closing date to apply is coming up. I had my bf help me with a cover letter, and his dad in the past has put my name in to look out for (his dad knows someone who works with that company), but it's been a while since I last applied it appears (about 6+ months). I just can't stand to be at my job for any longer. Like if I didn't need the job I'd quit so quickly. I get paid min wage with unsafe working conditions that aren't going to change. The other place I wanted to apply to, I may apply for a n admin position because the other one I have a strong feeling I'm going to end up dealing with the same bs I've been dealing with for the past two years. Jobs are hard to come by in my area that pay decent without requiring some sort of experience)

 

Oh I totally agree about it wasting time, but I know at least here u have to post a position to everyone and conduct interviews even if u are planning on hiring someone internally. Total bs.

 

How do you guys manage expectations? Therapist and I were talking today about how I do things like the rant at the top of the page, and how all that does is rile me up and doesn't change what's happening externally. For someone with a persecution complex, it's sorta kinda very much difficult not to default to...whatever that rant is up there.

 

For me, it's similar to the question a few pages (?) Back about handling anger. I get super like hysterical and negative sometimes, espesh if the situation already causes me anxiety, and often we've had previous negative experiences that cause us to expect the worst. Lately I've just tried taking a deep breath and thinking it thru. Like ok maybe the doctor won't suck and will understand. Maybe it will be ok. But if they are awful, what am I going to do? What will my plan be? How will I take this very valid feeling and manage it? At least for me, I kinda lose it when I lose control and that's the basis for a lot of my freak outs, so I'm trying to chill and find a way to grasp control, even if it's not in the ideal way I would want it. for me personally, validating my feelings and knowing it's okay to feel the way I do, pinpointing why I feel that way (lack of control, fear of the unknown, etc) and then trying to make a plan from there helps.

 

thank you. for me it's definitely about maintaining some kind of control. bleh

 

That is bs. I've seen postings where it will specifically say "internal applicants only" for sites.

 

I'm trying to tell myself so hard that I need to take deep breaths and that I know everything my mom does annoys me which affects the reaction I have to her and that's not necessarily fair, but when she's helping me find a car and sends this she is rly testing me



Edit: she asked if I am financing or paying in cash. I've been unemployed for nearly 2 months and I was a preschool teacher and sis thinks I have like 15k in cash lying around. I'm being a bitch but also I caaaant

 

I wish I would start feeling some semblance of OK. Tired of the unrelenting anxiety I feel even as thing seem to be going OK. I'm doing OK at work, even if I'm still way outclassed when it comes to understanding anything I'm writing about, but part of me isn't sure this is what I want. I also feel uncomfortable whenever I leave to go home. My boss usually arrives a few minutes before me and is still there when I'm leaving. I mean, we did agree to a certain schedule, but always worry I'll look like I don't care if I'm leaving right at 5, even if it won't be another hour until I'm actually home and it's just a short walk for him. He literally might be fine with it, especially since I'm getting it all done, but worry he secretly harbors a grudge for me leaving.

And when I'm feeling super anxious/depressed I want to buy things to...I don't know calm me down? Even though all it does is give me anxiety that I'm wasting money. But in recent weeks I've only felt "ok" or "happy" when I was dicking around in Downtown Disney last week during the work conference. So I'm like always fighting the urge to buy shit on the disney store to try and recapture the feeling. Then I also want to visit the Monterey Bay aquarium next weekend during the holiday weekend. Always loved that place and wonder if it would help. I don't fucking know.

My brain is a mess and I'm so tired. (And then I feel like a fucking idiot complaining about all this..)

 

I hate this thing in my brain that tells me nothing I have is enough. Like on paper I've got everything going for me and things are in order and I should be doing good. I mean I'm doing alright. But I have this nagging in my brain making me crave hard drugs. It's easy enough not to give in, but holy hell is it annoying having that thought pop in my head every day sometimes multiple times a day. Just having day dreams about using. Shits dumb and wildly annoying

 

go to the aquarium. just get your ticket beforehand. parking will be a special kind of nightmare in monterey that weekend, but it's such an awesome place. gina and i are going to try to get back this year. we try to go every 2 years, bc the first time i ever visited her out here, we spent the weekend down there.

 

Hmm yeah you're right. But I'm willing to brave it. The aquarium is one of my favorite places ever. Been a while since I last got to go.

 

Whenever I argue with someone I become convinced they hate me and I turn into an anxiety ridden mess, and since I am already such an anxiety ridden mess lately I feel like I just word vomit out arguments that I would normally keep to myself so I'm in this cycle of anxiety and thinking everyone hates me. It sucks.

 

Today's my grandma on my mom's side's birthday party. Which means it's time yet again for my mom and I to get into a huge fight about it. I refuse to go every year. I explain to her every year why. She still continues to get pissed about it. Her mom is very, very homophobic. I'm queer. I do not feel comfortable being around her knowing how she would feel about me if she knew I was queer. Her brother is a pervert and hits on me the entire time I'm there. He makes inappropriate, sexist comments towards me the whole time. It makes me highly uncomfortable to be around him. When I was younger I had no choice, now I do and I'm choosing not to put myself in that situation. She gets so mad and I get it, they're your family but I'm not dealing with it. Then she always says ignorant shit like "it's just my mom's opinion!!!!" Her opinion is I'm disgusting and shouldn't have rights.....so her and her opinion can fuck right off. I try to explain how shitty that makes me feel but she doesn't get it at all and I just spend the whole day upset. My brother never goes either and he gets zero shit about it but every year I do.

 

i've said this before i think, but: drunk, feeling a slight relaxation of some of the muscles in my body for the first time in months, and feeling horribly sad that the only time i feel less than the weight of the world on me is when i consume my body weight in psychotropics