Mental Health Thread • Page 170

I've become very adept at pulling myself out of bad lulls but this is probably the worst I've felt in over two years and I cannot seem to shake out of it. Been a real struggle the last three weeks.

 

Ended up having to call the benefit center because in the email ticket response they pretty much said they couldn’t help me and I have to call for assistance (but in different words). Called and spent nearly 45 minutes on the line before I was connected to someone. The person I spoke to had to send their management team the info because they couldn’t figure the problem out. Haven’t heard back from management, not even a courtesy messaging saying they’re working on the issue. Now I think they’re closed because it’s based in the east so I have to wait until tomorrow which now makes me more anxious because I don’t know what’s going on

 

Very emotionally and spiritually exhausted, today is a chance for a shot in the arm, hopefully it goes well.

 

im buying a guinea pig to cheer myself up

 

Never heard back so had to call again. Didn't have to wait nearly as long to be connected (like 10 min). I briefly explained to the person I talked to about the situation and said I called the other day and a request to management was sent to check on the problem and asked if there was a way to see the status. They checked and said they should have given me a call to let me know whats going on etc. Now I have to wait until to day or tomorrow for them to call (if they don't call tomorrow by a certain time I'll call back), and after that (once they call etc) it will be 5 BUSINESS DAYS! are you freaking kidding me. they're playing with my life here. My anxiety just keeps increasing because I have no idea whats going on and feel like I've been screwed over in health insurance (by the head corporate office). The person I talked to said management will find a solution, but really I'm worried they'll say theres nothing they can do and that will make me furious. No I have a confirmation number, and I have a print out of what I signed up for and thats what I'm going to get!

 

it did, until it was rushed to end, forcing me to realize it isn't as important to them as me. (purposely sparing too much info cus my feels are too raw atm)

 

Tonight is the loneliest I've been in a long time, holy shit. It just hit me out of nowhere.

 

hit like unintentionally, felt wrong hitting that, meant to reply to say sorry you feel that way... I genuinely hope you can break out the other side.... been there far too long myself


same mindstate for the last 2 months (and on & off for years).... been very angry over it and i refuse to forgive... hell... heres some proof...



illusions to my brother getting a search warrant and (ex) girl being kicked out over racism and fear over the attention from the landlord over my brothers search warrant.... its lead to so much more toxicity - from holidays I will never spend with family again to my (ex) girl's actions after....

I've bled out for 2 months now, either it finally scabs up or I bleed out and die, and I'm tired of being anywhere but, it's dark but I feel it.

 

Got an email back saying they checked on the issue, checked my benefit services and everything is back in there so I'm going to print everything for more proof if things were to go wrong again. BUT individually on each different website still shows I have no eligibility so that part worries me-hopefully it takes time to register in there system. For vision idk if my card just doesn't have the identification number (has member id) but it can't find me in their system. I want to know for certain that I won't run into an issue of paying out of pocket, also for medical the price changed so I'm paying a little more per check which doesn't make sense since its the same plan. Hopefully it just takes time to register in each system and everything is all good.

edit: I'm worried because when I view payroll deductions medical is not displayed

 

appreciate the response of hostility to confusion, keep it coming.

 

I've been feeling so defeated lately so I'm just going to rant for a minute here. Idk I think it's been building for a long time, but I just feel really incompetent at my job, I can't focus on any of my work. I'm supposed to be studying for the CPA exam (an exam to become a certified accountant if you don't know), but I haven't really made a dent in anything for a whieand now it's just built to this place where it literally feels impossible for me to sit and study for even 30 minutes. Even the littlest tasks just seem to take way too much effort these days. Stupid things like calling to make a dentist appointment. I broke down last night because I had to actually wear a suit to work today, and I've gained weight so not a lot of my dress shirts fit anymore and I hate shopping for clothes more than almost anything. And I just feel so alone sometimes and I don't even know how to talk about this stuff because I can't help but feel that really the problem is just that I'm too lazy. I've been trying to go to the gym but it just doesn't seem like there's enough time in the day after work to go to the gym and actually study, so I've just been avoiding both.

I've been thinking of trying to find a therapist. I've never done it but I get a few sessions from work so I figure it's worth a shot. I looked last night through my work's site of who I can work with but it's so overwhelming I have no idea how to pick one. I think there's a number I can call for help on that though? So I might try that tonight.

 

today has been hard, feeling more than ever the sabotage and betrayal from all sides ive gone through these past few months, literally no side doesn't have blood on their hands, love, family, friends... and I have no where to turn its endlessly lonely and defeating and after having fought so hard to make what i want finally happen... to have it ripped from me the way it has... i dont really feel any desire to keep pushing. i live days of just not dying and continuing to breathe till i fall asleep have nightmares of how fucked up life is so no escape there, and wake up to another day of feeling the same..

i cant keep doing this

 

I think I've accepted that I'll never have a good, open relationship with my parents. Tonight my dad paused the episode of Seinfeld we were watching (we watch most things together, as a family, to make him happy) to ask me what I was doing, because he'd been watching me for a week and saw me look at the tv then look down and repeat. I fumbled and immediately lied and he swore at me and I admitted that I was on my phone. So he says "your first instinct was to lie?" And didn't speak to me for the rest of the night. I know that I made a mistake. I wish he wasn't so passive aggressive and make me wonder how he'll be tomorrow. I don't know why I'm still so fearful around him. I feel really pathetic and small. I mean, he hasn't hit me since I was 5, and the verbal abuse my mum and sister receive is much worse, and I just go along with whatever he wants so he doesn't attack me. I'm so anxious, forever fidgeting, and don't self harm anymore. Being able to go on my phone brings some calm and happiness and hey I was just talking to my boyfriend. Imagine how worthless he'll make me feel when I finally tell my dad it's long distance. He'll think that's "below me" and that's the only way I can find someone. Ugh. Tonight has sucked and I hope I can get some sleep

 

You absolutely did not

 

Has anyone used Buspar?

 

Thank you
I can't help feeling like I did when today he's ignoring me, or giving me one word answers, just continuing to be passive aggressive

 

I understand the impulse to feel that way but I think everyone in here will agree this is solely a him problem. You don't deserve to be treated that way, with such capricious and casual cruelty.

 

Yes. Mr. @gonz (Alex) is 100% right here. You didn't do anything wrong @Mary V!

 

i bought a gerbil and it literally stopped me from using drugs, if i would've passed on it for tonight i probably wouldve gone and got some kind of substance but nope spent my money on a new little friend

 

Ugh was doing so well over winter break and I felt a bit comfortable and now I'm a mess that I've started work again. Last night in bed my mind just wandered and all these thoughts came to the surface and I struggled to shut them out until I fell asleep. I keep thinking of this quote and am doing my best not to slip into it before I find some sort of intervention. I always know my depression lingers close by but I'm getting too close for comfort. Trying to keep on keeping on in the meantime!

 

I believe in you @Kiana. You're strong as hell.

 

Sorry to hear this. I'm sure you do a ton for her just by being there for her and being a positive voice in her life.

 

I’m back to (part time) school on Wednesday and it has me filled with anxiety and dread

 

I had such a draining day, that also involved waiting with people at a police station to file a report /: then after that some family drama /: any tips on how to relax now that I’m alone?

 

I honestly have no idea how people can be so far removed from their wrongdoings. I constantly beat myself up over mine. Pretty much all of my biggest regrets are from when I was young and mentally in an awful place and needed help, but knowing that I still beat myself up about it and have nights like this where I can't sleep over the things I've done. Even if I know I was young and mentally unwell it doesn't lessen how it impacted others and how I can never take it back. Even if they forgave me I could never forgive myself because damage is done. There is one memory in particular that I think will haunt me forever and I can't imagine I'll ever be able to let it go. I feel like no matter how much I try to be a good person things like that are how I really am, deep down.