Mental Health Thread • Page 138

I hope you find the energy to make an appointment with your therapist. I am glad that you're still here, though. The world would not be the same without you on it.

 

shit sneaks up on me

 

Just feeling really down over the past few days and am sleeping really poorly.

The promotion my boss talked about isn't going to materialize anymore and there's talk of messing with my department, which irked me to such a degree I threatened to quit if they did it (which thankfully gave them pause and might have killed it. It seemed like an idea to give this one manager more work since they are moving away from the focus of his dept. and don't want to let people go).

No other company wants to hire me, or even shows any interest.

Just come home feeling really low and depressed every night. And then in an attempt to not just curl up in bed, I try to play games with friends and I'm not enjoying it much right now. I've also become worried about opening my mouth, saying something stupid that might make friends not want me around anymore.

 

I used to annoy Laura (she thought it was cute but it probably is an annoyance) once an hour or maybe once every 30 minutes by excitedly telling her "We're having a baby!" as if it was new information and not something we were preparing for. I miss that feeling of excitement so much, I miss getting to tell her that so often and I miss how much we glowed when we talked about it. And then I feel guilty for missing the excitement but I know it's just because I miss our baby so much, I loved her so much already and it sucks constantly trying to distract myself from how devastated I feel and then watching all my distractions fall through. And then I feel guilty because I have the luxury of those distractions in the first place while Laura is still recovering from everything and is so hurt and I'd give anything to be able to help more but I know there's nothing anyone can do because nothing can really heal that wound, so after work we sit together, so sad and in love and it's the most beautiful devastating thing. I don't know. I'm just rambling because I miss how life felt a month ago, and at the same time I feel so lucky to be where I'm at with Laura because I can't imagine going through this shit without her, and I wish I could do more to help her.

 

Sorry for your loss. I wish you and Laura luck and everything else in getting through it. :(

 

thank you for that. i got 2 weeks before i will be on campus regularly again, so it will be easier to set up an appointment then. i'm doin better right now so i think i can hang til then

 

Maybe one day I'll hit rock bottom and then I'll learn what finding something feels like

 

I totally know what you're talking about. When my wife and I had our first loss(also named Laura) it was really tough. When we had our second loss, even tougher. Now she is pregnant again(about 12 weeks) and it's hard for her to get excited. All she can think about is the previous losses. I know the toughest appointment will be when we find out the sex. Our first loss we went to find out the sex. We were on cloud nine, and that is when we found out that the baby stopped growing at 14 weeks. I'm very sorry about your losses. We're in this together, if you ever want to talk about it!

 

I've talked about how my parents divorce was super traumatic for me, and I ended up being a tween/teen who had to watch my little sister all the time during it. I had to watch her constantly while my mom was working and went out to have her affair and party and stuff. I was going thru depression and self-harm and could not cope with half-raising my sister too. I basically lost all my friends cause I had no life outside of watching my sister. The upheaval caused my sister to be angry and she'd hit, kick, bite, pull hair, etc. I remember locking myself in the bathroom crying to my parents on the phone begging them to get her a legit babysitter because I wasn't emotionally stable enough to handle it, but we couldn't afford one. Me and my sister would get into screaming and physical fights sometimes. I feel so much guilt over it now. Some nights I can't sleep because of how horrible I feel. I know it wasn't all my fault because I was so young and shouldn't ever have been put into that position, but at the same time i did what I did and my actions have consequences. She's still so angry and has no ability to manage her emotions and I constantly feel guilt over it. People say I'm so calm and how I never yell but it hasn't always been that way. I am calm now after I left the toxic situation, but I can't ever undo the stuff from before and how much it weighs on me.


Anyway, I'm going to try and apologize to my sister soon. She doesn't remember it so part of me has never wanted to bring it up. But clearly seeing how she still suffers from the impact of it (I don't think all her issues are attributed to me but I think it's undeniable that some are) I want to apologize and... idk what I think it will do. But I think she deserves to hear that I regret it and am sorry and own to my mistakes, because I always wish my own mom could do that for me. I'm hoping to talk to her in the next few weeks but I'm nervous.

 

I think becoming a pseudo parent is one of the most damaging things about the religious abuse I experienced, not only of younger siblings (and other people's kids even) but of our parents because they weren't always emotionally equipped to understand or even be aware of the stuff we were going through as teens

 

I've seen you bring your upbringing up a few times and I can't imagine how tough that must have been and maybe still is cause the ramifications last a long time. Hugs 4ever

Adults can be very dismissive of teens. It's like ppl hit a certain age and totally forget what it was like. My mom never treated any of my issues as valid and still calls it a phase. Thank God for my dad who, even if he thought I was going thru a phase, was never condescending about it and tried to connect with me thru my interests and acknowledged my feelings. Apparently he lost it too tho cause he can be very dismissive of my little sisters feelings now. Idk how it happens. Like if people feel like teens don't know "real pain" or if adults think they had it worse so teens should stfu or what. Cause my tween/teen years were some of the hardest of my life. At least as an adult I have more tools and ways to cope, and some perspective so i can better handle things. When I was younger I had no positive ways to cope and I didn't really have control over anything in my life while trying to navigate who I was and feeling so confused about everything while somehow simultaneously feeling like I knew everything. Idk. I hope I never lose that perspective. K, rambling over haha

 

I hate the "high school/college is the best years of your life" mentality, I haven't had the best years of my life yet
but yeah being a teen is tough and adults are always talking about how they're vapid and how their tastes are dumb and it's like nah your way of thinking is dumb

 

I have some nice memories from hs/college but yeah... that was not true for me. I feel so much more confident, independent, and sure of myself now than I ever did in those years so that makes the present time automatically better than those years haha. I've always heard that mentality and how u make ur lifelong friends in college and I always compared myself to those beliefs and was so hard on myself. I thought I was doing life wrong for not having the same experience and was super insecure about it. Mentalities like that can be so pressuring!!

 

2 days away from being three months sober. Not drinking, going to the gym and seeing a therapist have improved my mental health so much. I have more energy, I'm motivated about my job and my life, haven't thought about suicide or anything like that in at least a month.

Hoping this isn't just a temporary thing and I can keep the positivity going.

 

I'm growing to genuinely hate being concerned for another person.
for months ive tried this and that for sorting through this and that for self, relationship, etc and tbh lately I'm just learning that I rather be solo or gone all together. not even on some depressing shit, I just don't care/cant be bothered and cant/wont/don't feel bad anymore.

 

I think there's a certain point where there's such a large gap between adults and teenagers that it's tough to connect. I mean, I'm only 31 and the gap between me and teenagers feels enormous. I can't imagine growing up in today's world compared to what I grew up in, and it wasn't even that long ago. I think from that perspective, it makes it easier for adults to feel like "how can you not feel fulfilled when you have so much stuff!"

Not to defend parents shoving their kids needs/feelings aside because it's bullshit. Everyone needs love and compassion throughout their whole lives, but particularly when you're a teenager trying to find yourself, fit in, discover who you are and what people you want to surround yourself while making huge decisions that do impact your life in a major way for the next few years. It's a crazy time; the fact that anyone makes it out semi-normal is a testament to the average resiliency of humans.

 

There's def an idea of the next gen always being spoiled and ungrateful and having it easy with all the advances. But I wish more adults realized the cons that come with those advances. Idk if I could handle being a teen now. I craved so much validation and acceptance at that age so I can't imagine how social media would negatively feed into that. I would have been an even bigger mess than I was lol. It is tough when being a teen looks and feels completely different than it did even like 10 years ago, let alone the bigger gap with parents. I'm sure it's tough to relate or understand those things since they're so far removed from it, but I wish some ppl realized that even tho there are things that make life easier now, a lot of those confusing feelings of being a teen never really change.


It's also weird to be all sheltered and treated like a child (which I mean u are technically) but then one day it's like ok but now ur suddenly expected to be equipped to handle applying to and choosing a college and figuring out student loans and debt or else ur a failure lol k good luck dont screw it up or we'll judge u more!!

 

I have long-winded thoughts on teenagers apparently lol

 

thanks, hun. it sounds like you had to deal with a lot too, so i feel you. :( i don't know about you... but idk i just feel like i'm starting to come with terms with the reality that this is going to follow me my whole life. which is funny, because i've felt that way since i first was depressed at like, fucking eleven, and yet somehow it always sneaks up on me.

i think my parents are actually better than most of my friends' with understanding mental illness, but they just work so hard against that benefit when it comes to our religious differences and what that means to us. and a lot of time i find parents just straight don't believe their kids' explanations of abuse or mental illness or whatever. and it runs parallel to the "you'll understand when youre older" angle that is super frequent.

 

anyway, i'm just sitting alone in my apartment at 3 am drinking and writing about grief so that's definitely a healthy decision and youre not gonna convince me otherwise

 

whats happened in charlottesville has me so fucked up

 

same, it's especially tough because social media is often my escape and it's dominating my feed, plus I'd like to think I'd do the right thing and stand up to terror and it gets you fucking killed

 

yeah things in my life have just been converging on getting me to have another total break down and it'd be nice if everything just stopped for a hot second so i could cry haha

 

You've got this!

 

It's very Abed of me but I feel like growing up half raised by a tv has made me believe that conflicts should be dissolved in one big moment and then it's done, and it throws me off when things aren't resolved that quickly and it's an actual long-term issue. In my mind its like... its over, we talked about it. What's ur issue? And it leads to my downfall too much! I have some long-term issues but i guess there are some things I don't understand when they're not resolved quickly. There are some things I hold grudges with but for the most part i get over feelings of anger or upset quickly and it's hard for me to handle when others don't