LGBTQIA+ Thread • Page 16

Ugh. Someone misgendered me in a Lyft review and it's getting me down more than it probably should. I've been struggling really badly with my self-image lately and I've been in pretty much a constant state of dysphoria and all-around depression. Things like this just end up amplifying those feelings and, even worse, validating them. :\

 

I re-joined tinder recently and I've been having this weird thing where I find most of the women really intimidating. So far I've only matched with one girl but I was too nervous to say anything to her.

 

a couple days late but

 

Lol life

 

bleh i'm stealth at my current job but my new boss just followed me on instagram. nothing on there explicitly says "i'm a trans guy" but there's definitely a few transition timeline pics and a pic of a vial of T. she asked if she could and i totally forgot when i said yes - i'm not ashamed of it or anything i just don't want to start getting misgendered/hearing she by "mistake" because people's brains are fuckin weird.

 

I definitely do that's when I started to hate life lol

 

One thing I really love about Lyft is I likely will never see 90% of the people I drive again. I get anxiety just thinking about working in a traditional work environment again. Working through my early transition at a male dominated manufacturing job was one of the most draining things I’ve ever done, trying to hide it from everyone def took a toll on me.

 

i've been trying to explain to my therapist how i have to self-censor my stories sometimes when i'm around people - eg, no mentions of high school sports (played softball) - and she doesn't quite get it. this is the legal marijuana industry so i assume a majority of people would be chill about it...but i kept getting she/birth name stuff emailed to me at the last place and i would just about die on the spot if "shes" started popping up here. maybe i'm paranoid but it happens, it's like people can't "unsee" it idk

 

oh by the way, it's time for an experiment. my car's got some kind of big issue, so this will be "Silas takes his car to a mechanic" for the very first time. let's see how i'm treated!

 

Lol you know when you're 24 and people you went to school with are getting married but no ones ever even found you attractive... You know you should just give up

 

See how many end up divorced by 30. Just you wait.

 

I'd rather be divorced than feel as unatractive as I feel

 

I hate me lol

 

I would rather not have married my ex-wife and I bet she feels the same lolol sorry grass is always greener etc

 

No one's ever found me attractive anything is better than me

 

I want to die

 

i'm sorry you feel that way :/

 

tfw you have a crush on a girl (and have always dated girls bc uuuuuuh girls are gr8) but you also find out about yourself maybe you're into guys too!! really cool! love it!!

if it wasn't clear that feeling is confusion, depression and anxiety bc I have no idea how to navigate this and the two people I've mentioned it to I've no idea how to discuss it with regularly without talking in circles about how confused I am and how I don't know how to find out for sure and how it might be worse if it's not a thing because then what exactly am I feeling????

high chance I'll delete this later bc I really don't know how open I wanna be about this but I'm really overwhelmed by it and I have to vent it out even if it's briefly and this community has been very kind to me in general so...yeah.

 

sexual identity anxiety issues??



In all seriousness though, I started to realize I was gay not bisexual about two years ago and I still haven’t totally come to terms with it. Despite considering myself bi and an ally I never really grappled with the social implications of identifying as a lesbian. It takes time to process internalized homophobia. Sorry I can’t offer anything more positive than that, but if your journey is anything like mine, it’s going to take a lot of self-examination to figure yourself out and you can’t rush the process.

edit: by the way...there’s really no such thing as finding out for sure. Sexuality is complicated, and it can change over time. Curiosity doesn’t have to be anything more than that, unless you want it to be. The best you can do is try to be honest with yourself in the moment.

 

that song still bangs

re: not knowing for sure, that's part of the anxiety for sure. it's pretty normal for me to feel, like, imposter syndrome or whatever. whether that be tied to what I wanna do with my life or how I interact with others, I also have this fear that I'm "just faking" -- logically I know that's ridiculous, there's no reason someone would wanna feel this way on purpose, but I guess cause I haven't thought deeply about this for so long it's just this nagging persistent thought and I hate it. the thought that this is another thing I have to deal with for a prolonged period of time is really stressful. and then it feels like the universe is constantly reminding me about this -- like, even dating apps, which I have set to show me girls, will regularly show me guys and in the beginning it wasn't weird for me to not even notice and swipe as normal and it's like "oh, maybe there's something to this?" idk idk nothing makes sense or whatever and it doesn't help that every time I try to articulate this stuff I feel like I sound really juvenile

 

I totally feel you on the imposter syndrome. That was really hard for me for a lot of reasons I’m not gonna bore you with but basically I resigned myself to the fact that no one can tell you whether or not you’re truly feeling something, and even if it feels fake to admit that you’re interested or curious, that curiosity started somewhere and there’s no harm in validating it and exploring it, regardless of whether or not you end up deciding if it’s for you.

I was initially super stressed out about my identity too and I don’t think anything anyone said would’ve stopped me from feeling that way, but it does get better. I will say I sort of immersed myself in my queerness for a while so I could examine my feelings and I think that helped speed the process.

Also re: feeling juvenile, I identify with that a lot too. I saw someone say once that queer people essentially go through a second puberty and it’s true. It sucks cause I’m 23 and I see kids that are like 15 and so sure of their sexualities and for a while that made me feel stunted, but honestly...they weren’t raised by my parents lol. It takes longer than that for most people anyway.

 

Just wanted to say ily and if you need someone to talk to privately, you’re more than welcome to message me!

 

I’ve said I’m bi/pan for years but lately I don’t really know. Maybe I lean more towards being a lesbian but I don’t really care to put a label on it anymore and people can assume what they want. It gets hard when someone asks and I feel dumb explaining that basically I don’t care about gender but I tend to lean more towards girls so I just say yes to whatever they assume, haha.

Be you! Nothing matters as long as you are happy and you feel authentically you.

 

experience attraction freely, worry about labels later

 

yeah, I'm not sure there's a magic phrase or talk or anything that would help me but like not saying anything at all is worse, yknow? like being in my head about it is like the least helpful thing. but like i genuinely appreciate everything you've said, and I'm grateful that you've taken the time to at least give me a glimpse of a possible future. puberty was the worst the first time but that was bc hormones so hopefully whatever happens isn't so bad

I kicked around the idea of doing so before posting but I didn't wanna bother you lol. ily and I will do so next time I'm freaking out

yeah I think this is me as well -- I definitely lean towards girls, it's like whatever I feel towards guys is entirely physical and a lot less developed in terms of having a compass for what I like. idk it's very strange to me

this is my ideal and truly what I wanted when I had all this in the back of my head but I guess at some point I started thinking about the possibility of ever saying anything to my parents and that's when the spiral started lol