It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FXX) TV Show • Page 5

I don't give a shit Dee, okay? I don't care how you're going to get all that milk off of you!

 

Think of the smell. You haven't thought of the smell, you bitch!

 

Yeah, so the Wendy's manager is all, "You gotta clean that up," and I said, "They're your hamburgers, you clean 'em up!" And then Artemis got all bummed out because of something I did with the onions to myself, and now she won't talk to me.

 

Mac: [Handing Charlie a pear] Chomp into it.

Charlie Kelly: Just bite it?

Mac: Yeah.

Charlie Kelly: Okay.

Mac: Like a piece of fruit, you would bite into it...

Charlie Kelly: [Charlie bites pear] Agh! Tastes like sand.

Mac: Like sand? Oh, that-that pear's not ripe, dude.

Charlie Kelly: Ah.

Mac: He burned us. Gypsy son of a bitch burned us! Excuse me, sir? What are you doing to my friend, Bozo? You burned us. It's dry.

Fruit Vendor: You picked it out.

Mac: Well, let's not get into a whole who picked out what. It's... I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.

Charlie Kelly: I can't, I just ate it.

Mac: The whole thing?

Charlie Kelly: Yeah. It was pretty gross and I...

Mac: The stem and-and the core?

Charlie Kelly: You didn't tell me not to eat the stem, dude!

Mac: Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?

Charlie Kelly: Yeah, it was gross!

Mac: Of course it's gross... it's a sticker, bro!

Charlie Kelly: I eat stickers all the time, dude!

Mac: Oh my god! This whole thing is a disaster. I'm going back to the car.

 

Okay, listen. Listen, you remember that night at Dooley’s pool party? On that fine summer eve, when I did that double jackknife twist and blew everybody’s tits off. You remember that? And then I went down on Chrissy Orlando on the trampoline later that night?

 

It was pretty good. It was alright. It wasn't great...but it was fine

 

And I knew it was going to be fine. Because this guy here... would catch me if I faltered.

 

Hi. I'm a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare, please.

 

Oh, get a job? Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into job land, where jobs grow on jobbies?

 

You're a really good listener and I didn't peg you for one when we came in here because of the pinky ring.

 

Long, but this is one of my favourite sunny moments ever:

Mac: What do we need a mattress for?

Dennis Reynolds: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take 'em to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse, because of the implication.

Mac: Oh, uh... okay. You had me going there for the first part, the second half kinda threw me.

Dennis Reynolds: Well dude, dude, think about it: she's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothin' but open ocean. "Ahh, there's nowhere for me to run. What am I gonna do, say 'no'?"

Mac: Okay. That... that seems really dark.

Dennis Reynolds: Nah, no it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.

Mac: I'm-I think I am.

Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you are, because if the girl said "no" then the answer obviously is "no"...

Mac: No, right.

Dennis Reynolds: But the thing is she's not gonna say "no", she would never say "no" because of the implication.

Mac: ...Now you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?

Dennis Reynolds: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her but she's thinkin' that they will.

Mac: But it sounds like she doesn't wanna have sex with you...

Dennis Reynolds: Why aren't you understanding this? She-she doesn't know if she wants to have sex with me. That's not the issue...

Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?

Dennis Reynolds: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!

Mac: I'm not getting it.

Dennis Reynolds: Goddamn.

[notices woman staring at them]

Dennis Reynolds: Well don't you look at me like that, you certainly wouldn't be in any danger.

Mac: So they are in danger!

Dennis Reynolds: No one's in any danger!

 

All right, you're getting hung up on "can't", and I'm not saying that you can't. I'm saying that it is illegal.

 

I don't have time for your shit you dumbass dick bags!

 

Yeah, we both got punked, Frank. We both got punked. These kids these days, I’ll tell you what, they’re nothing like we used to be back when we were in fraternities. They have no respect for anybody. Okay? They’re like-they’re like stupid little goddamn savages. I mean, I came in there, right, and I was polite and I was nice to them. I was cordial. And they completely goddamn disrespected me, little IDIOTS! IDIOTS! I was completely respectful. They’re supposed to be my brothers, right? They’re my brothers? Nooo, no. That’s not fun. What they were doing wasn’t fun. They kept zapping us, and zapping us! IDIOTS! SAVAGES! IDIOTS! IDIOTS!!

 

A gin bar? Dee, you goddamn bitch!

 

They're actors. They’re trying to create an illusion. In the “Lord of the Rings” movie, Ian McKellen plays a wizard. You think he goes home at night and shoots laser beams into his boyfriend’s asshole? I don’t think so, dude. Tom Cruise is a midget, alright, but he plays guys that are normal size in movies.

 

Sorry about that, some guy in the bathroom wouldn't give me his shirt.

 

I might have had some of your pills or whatever.

 

Dennis is asshole. Why Charlie hate?
Because Dennis is a bastard man.

Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you, thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot. What? Taxes, they'll be lower... son. The Democratic vote is the right thing to do Philadelphia, so do

 

Even though pretty much all of this show is gold, this has got to be one of my favourite moments ever. Dennis throughout this scene is amazing, his reactions to everything just make it.

 

Anytime they sing, I'm happy. They harmonize so well.

 

Motown Philly's back again

 

Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so alike. I'd like to meet you one day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you but I think you'd be impressed with my speed. I love your hair, you run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have no been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did. I hope you write back this time, and we can become good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real home run!

 

Dennis, I'm not gonna a bang a small Asian boy

 

Dee I will slap you in the teeth