Food • Page 576

ChaseTx · Oct 13, 2016

Not sure what a poached egg is

An egg that was hunted outside of egg hunting season?

Ken · Oct 13, 2016

ChaseTx said:

Not sure what a poached egg is

An egg that was hunted outside of egg hunting season?

An egg gently cooked in simmering water until the white is firm and the yolk is warm and gooey.

ChaseTx · Oct 13, 2016

angrycandy said:

what can I tell ya, bud? they just taste better

That's because you can put all kinds of good stuff in them so you're not really comparing apples to apples. More like apples to apple pie

Btw best topping scenario for omelettes is every topping they offer

ChaseTx · Oct 13, 2016

Ken said:

An egg gently cooked in simmering water until the white is firm and the yolk is warm and gooey.

That sounds silly but at the same time delicious

angrycandy · Oct 13, 2016

just saying how I like my eggs cooked. I mostly agree with you tho

Fucking Dustin · Oct 13, 2016

ChaseTx said:

That sounds silly but at the same time delicious

It's very good

Ken · Oct 13, 2016

ChaseTx said:

That sounds silly but at the same time delicious

it's amazing. poached eggs are love.

Fucking Dustin · Oct 13, 2016

I feel like I could be the Bubba of eggs

I just need a Forrest Gump companion to list eggs to

Ken · Oct 13, 2016

Fucking Dustin said:

I feel like I could be the Bubba of eggs

I just need a Forrest Gump companion to list eggs to

go on.

Justice Beaver · Oct 13, 2016

Fucking Dustin said:

Gonna do a Justice Beaver style review once I'm home. Halfway through and it's great

Hey man, I hold the copyright, patent, and trademark on reviews in this thread. You are going to have to submit your "review" to @dhayes, my production assistant, first and he'll let you know if you are eligible to post it. You definitely aren't going to be allowed to use the word "review. '

AelNire said:

This doesn't belong here but all my friends congregate here. Is this one of you trolling me?

If not should I go for it? Jk

View attachment 3987

So...like...are you gonna send me those pictures or not?

Fucking Dustin said:

It's true! Hahaha it's listed as one time only and I was originally dharkins but then changed to tableflip and then to this one since no one could tag me as tableflip

Holy shit, I didn't know you were tableflip. What is real anymore?

dhayes said:

i havent seen a mars bar in a real long time so i have to disagree

also nfw milky way is in second

I read this as "nsfw" milky way and I thought for a moment they made an adult version of a milky way.

Ken · Oct 13, 2016

Justice Beaver said:

Hey man, I hold the copyright, patent, and trademark on reviews in this thread. You are going to have to submit your "review" to @dhayes, my production assistant, first and he'll let you know if you are eligible to post it. You definitely aren't going to be allowed to use the word "review. '

Eh. Review. I'm going to review your reviews.

Justice Beaver · Oct 13, 2016

Ken said:

Eh. Review. I'm going to review your reviews.

Do it.

Fucking Dustin · Oct 13, 2016

Justice Beaver said:

Holy shit, I didn't know you were tableflip. What is real anymore?

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ forever

AelNire · Oct 13, 2016

Justice Beaver said:

Hey man, I hold the copyright, patent, and trademark on reviews in this thread. You are going to have to submit your "review" to @dhayes, my production assistant, first and he'll let you know if you are eligible to post it. You definitely aren't going to be allowed to use the word "review. '

So...like...are you gonna send me those pictures or not?

Holy shit, I didn't know you were tableflip. What is real anymore?

I read this as "nsfw" milky way and I thought for a moment they made an adult version of a milky way.

We need to talk contracts.

Ken · Oct 13, 2016

Justice Beaver said:

I can finally contribute to this thread.

I have had the vaunted Mac'n'Cheetos. My review follows:

Smell: Hot Cheetos. I wish that I could stress just how disconcerting of a smell this is. Cheetos on their own smell innocuous and so you might think that a hot Cheeto would be equally as inoffensive. You would be wrong. I also want to say that they smelled wet which might not make sense but just trust me.

Consistency: Like a harder mozzarella stick. The outside held up pretty well. The inside was hot and soft (that's what she said). Basically what you would expect.

Taste: The outside tastes faintly of a Cheeto. The wet smell helps with that. The breading wasn't too heavy as tends to happen with fast food fried options which I guess was a pleasant surprise. The inside was the fake cheese taste any child growing up with Kraft Macaroni and Cheese knows well. You know when you are making Kraft Mac'n'Cheese and you dump the cheese packet in and sometimes it clumps? The inside of the Mac'n'Cheeto tastes like a very large clump of that cheese. It's... okay.

Packaging: Orange as fuck.

Intangibles: Honestly, the worst part of this experience was being a grown man and saying "I'd like an order of Mac'n'Cheetos" into a drive thru microphone. No, that's a lie, the worst part was the smell. Also, the inside of the Mac'n'Cheeto is not mac'n'cheese even by it's loosest definition. There are no discernible macaroni parts. Only cheese. Correction: only collected wet clumps of cheese dust.

Overall: I mean, I'm not upset about eating the Mac'n'Cheetos. I probably would never order them again but it was worth the novelty I guess. Plus, I got to write this review and waste time at work so that's nice.

Rating: 1 Oreo, 1 Pad of butter, and 1 Twinkie out of 5 things you shouldn't deep fry.

A strong first review. Detailed. Eloquent. Passionate. The future looked bright so many moons ago.

Justice Beaver said:

Whopperito Review Teaser: Eh, not that bad.

This was a teaser? More like a jerk-off comment for likes. Only @Dirty Sanchez was foolish enough to play along.

Justice Beaver said:

I know you've all been waiting for this.

Whopperito: The Review

Smell: You know the "flame-broiled" smell that Burger King emits? Adding taco seasoning to that does not do it any favors. I can only describe the Whopperito's smell as confusing.

Consistency: There was way too much fucking tortilla. Like some bits were entirely tortilla with a little shred of wilted lettuce. Everything was way too soft. Like the lettuce was all translucent and flabby, as was the pickle. The meat was just clearly cut up burger smooshed into the tortilla making each bite inconsistent. The only constant was an unsavory wetness. Think long and hard about that last sentence. That is the thesis statement of the Whopperito, unsavory wetness.

Taste: It tastes exactly how it looks. There was no need for a Whopper to be put into a tortilla. There was no need to put taco, cheese, whatever the fuck sauce on the Whopper. One day, when we are all eating Whopperitos with the tortilla replaced by the outside shell of the Mac'n'Cheetos, we will languish the days of the only innovations from Burger King coming in the form of "new fries." The Whopperito is inoffensive in the most offensive way. It's not bad enough to be that upset about but it also is so wholly unnecessary as to be insulting.

Packaging: There's something disconcerting about seeing the form of a burrito next to french fries. It's unnatural.

Intangibles: Burger King has gone off the fucking rails. Like, the Mac'n'Cheetos I sort of understood. On paper it's not really all that bad of an idea and they probably got a nice boost in customers for the novelty. The Whopperito is Burger King just embracing the novelty but not even in a clever way. This is Burger King trying to capitalize off of the smidgen of good publicity they got for their last novelty item and then being lazy as fuck about it. When Taco Bell shits out another one of their stuffed, double decker, Doritos, deep-fried tacodilla it makes sense. They've embrace the stoner ethos of just absolute culinary fuckery but that's not Burger King's game and it's pretty obvious.

Overall: I would never order another Whopperito. I didn't finish the one I had. And not even because it was bad but just because there was no point. It was the very definition of "meh."

Rating: I don't even care enough to bother, just like Burger King.

A return to form. A tour de force, if you will. Detailed. Succinct. Relentless. This review pummels the reader with details, almost too many, but a late in the game connection to culinary fuckery saved it. The future isn't quite as bright, but the sun is still shining.

Justice Beaver said:

Smoke Mountain: The Review

....shit, I can't remember how I've been formatting these things.

Appearance: I'll start by saying that the promotional image for this thing is bullshit. Like, I expect that my sandwich is not going to look exactly like it does on the menu but imagine my dismay when I opened up my Arby's box to see what basically just looked like a normal Arby's sandwich. I should have known when it came in a standard sized box. I was expecting, or perhaps hoping, that, because of the multitude of meats, my sandwich would have to be housed in some specially made giant box. It was hardly the mountain I'd been promised.

Smell: Meat.

Taste: This is the first abomination I've eaten for this thread that I was excited about. Arby's smoked brisket is pretty solid, it's hard to fuck up turkey, and even bad pork belly is good pork belly. If I didn't have a modicum of self respect I would have ordered 3 of these and then just lay in bed covered in meat grease and meat sadness. Unlike Burger King, Arby's seems like it might actually give a shit. Like obviously this sandwich shouldn't exist, nobody needs all of that in one sandwich. But the Smoke Mountain flies in the face of god and has the audacity to still taste fucking awesome. The Whopperito and the Mac'n'Cheettos are basically middle fingers into the uncaring void and the Smoke Mountain is like a middle-class teenager wearing a black t-shirt with an anarchy sign, both futile but one is less offensive if a bit misguided.

Jesus, how did I get here?

Anyway, I think that the meats probably work better on their own. The meat bits that I hoovered out of the bottom of the cardboard box like an animal were all pretty distinctly good but combined you really couldn't decipher the individual meats.

I'm gonna dedicate a whole separate line to the fucking pork belly because holy shit that thing was good. I don't even care if it is like the McRib and is just some sort of fat, pork amalgamation formed to look like pork belly because it was amazing. I want to sleep on a bed of pork belly and just wake up and eat my pillow.

Intangibles: I felt a lot less shameful ordering these things. Arby's treats you like a fucking adult. Ordering a Whopperito is a fucking shameful act and the person who receives your order clearly thinks you're a piece of shit. It also helped that the kid at the counter was 16 and had not had the life sucked out of him by minimum wage work. Shout out to Montana, who awkwardly asked how my day had been and said "Good on ya!" when my lady said she would indeed donate a dollar to the No Children Left Without Arby's to Eat and Be Happy Times Fund.

Score: 5 different meats out of 5

Arby's is a step up from BK and that is well represented here. There's a little too much stalling in this review. And ultimately, your assesment is incorrect. This sandwich isn't very good and as a result, your credibility has taken a major hit. Don't seek employment at the Times as their food reviewer.

Justice Beaver said:

Dang, Erin, you've been missing out.

Cheez-It Extra Toasty: The Review

Taste: Dope
Smell: Dope
Color: Dope
Texture: Dope
Intangibles: Dope

Score: 100

This is the low point I was expecting. The review has no depth. No warmth or sophistication to speak of. It's short, abrupt, and arbitrary. Next.

Justice Beaver said:

Also, the Cheez-It review was obviously not a publishable piece.

Yet you published it anyway?

Justice Beaver said:

Cheetos Chicken Fries: The Review

Etymology: My major problem with chicken fries is that they are in no way fries. Like, even structurally they aren’t prepared the same way as fries. You don’t bread fries. A real chicken fry would just be a strip of chicken deep fried which, honestly, doesn’t even sound that bad. Also, in what other context does an order of fries consist of 8? Even a small order of fries at McDonalds comes with like a thousand fries. And I might concede that if you ate at a 4 Michelin star restaurant where they called their fries “pomme frites” and they were made with heirloom potatoes grown in a monastery in the Himalayas, and deep fried in duck fat and the tears of Aryan virgins, and were so well crafted that you could taste the sweat on the calloused hands of the farmer monks who picked them, and were seasoned with the soil that they grew in you might only get 8. But this is fucking burger king and 8 “fries” is an unacceptable amount. Let’s just be real, Burger King. You’re not fucking fooling anyone. Chicken fries are just chicken nuggets. We all know this. And 8 chicken nuggets is a more acceptable amount. So, in the spirit of honest marketing I would like to propose we change chicken fries to one of the following:

1. Stix’o’Chix

2. Cluck Logs

3. Chester Cheetos Deep Fried Fingers (thumbs extra)

Appearance: Hipster chicken nuggets. I feel like mine were also a lot darker than normal. I don’t’ know if that was because of the… Cheeto dust… Cheetos dust… do I keep the s? Like, is Cheetos the plural and Cheeto the singular? Is Chester’s last name Cheeto or Cheetos? Anyway, I’m not sure if my chicken fries were just burnt or if the “cheese” dust made it that way.

Taste: The promotional material for the Cheetos Chicken Fries describes a "dangerously cheesy outside." That sounds fucking miserable. Danger should not be used in the description of cheese. Honestly they could have just put regular chicken fries in the orange box because the difference was indiscernible. What an ingenious scheme. They just pay for some new packaging and throw the same product in them because who the fuck cares. Who is going to take their Cheetos Chicken Fries back and complain that they weren’t cheesy enough? Maybe the flavor is supposed to be subtle but if that’s the case you picked a really fucking strange time to exercise some restraint, Burger King. Maybe I should have sucked on the outside longer before biting into it…

Sigh.

I’m just going to leave that last sentence.

Smell: Burnt. Which, when coupled with the dark color, may or may not lend credence to the idea that they burnt my chicken fries.

Intangibles: I did appreciate that the lady taking my order, while repeating it back to me, just said “…and an order of Cheetos,” when what she meant was “….fucking millennials.”

Overall: Nobody is going to look back on this time, when the King and Chester have gotten into bed with one another, and remember it fondly. I can’t wait until they coat a Whopper patty in Flaming Hot Cheetos and deep fry that.

Score: .5 Michelin Stars

For hating on BK, you sure have eaten it a lot over the past few months. I suppose if one wanted to review food professionaly, he or she could begin their career by targeting low quality foods and blasting them with hard judgments and pop-culture tie-ins. Hopefully your next review is better.

Justice Beaver said:

As per @dhayes request I’m going to be reviewing the Bacon King but I feel like it’s kind of asinine to review it by itself since it’s not particularly outlandish. So, instead, I’ve devised a new segment I’m going to call Nicolas Cage’s Face/Off. In this new segment I will compare shitty foods with other shitty foods and try not to descend into meat madness.

Today’s episode: Bacon King vs. The Baconator (Spoilers: The Baconator wins)

Round 1: Name

Bold fucking move to call yourself the Bacon King. But you know what’s bolder? Calling yourself the Baconator. King is civilized. Ator is not. The Bacon King boasts 6 pieces of bacon, I think I counted like 3 and a half. And it was definitely microwave bacon which is just thin, translucent, bacon flavored wax paper, which is still pretty good all things considered. The Baconator also makes the claim of having 6 pieces of bacon but Wendy’s has the goddamn self-respect to use real-looking bacon.

Edge: Baconator

Round 2: Taste

Look, I know that I’m eating something that only needs to appeal to the basest, most carnal, and self-loathing portion of my soul so I shouldn’t expect much but I still always hope, in my heart of hearts, that the momentary pleasure of eating something with enough calories to feed a child from conception to college age will last longer than the 15 or so odd minutes it takes to shovel it into my mouth. I’m just always searching for that next Smoke Mountain and maybe it’s out there or maybe it’s been in front of me the whole time, in the joy we’ve shared discussing food, in our playful banter, in the gifs.

What the fuck am I talking about?

Oh right, why the fuck do both of these burgers have just ketchup and mayonnaise on them? I appreciate that both Burger King and Wendy’s said fuck it to anything that didn’t come from a cow or a pig and I guess maybe the testers decided there needed to be some sort of extra lube besides grease to ensure the burgers make it down our gullets with ease, but there was like way too fucking much of each and it made the whole even more shameful and messy than it already was. Maybe the mayo was an attempt to include all the major animals. Mayo is made with eggs, right?

Wendy’s has better meat though.

Edge: Baconator

Round 3: Departure from Companies Food Norms

This seems like a pretty safe move for Burger King. After the increasing mania of their latest outputs a tried and true bacon burger maybe rights the ship for a while. Before this, Wendy’s seemed pretty sane when compared to its fast food brethren. The Baconator, at the time, seemed like the gimmicky shit that only the King and his drug dealing Cheetah friends, or the employees of Taco Bell, high on acid, would dream up. But instead The Baconator somehow managed to not just be a one-off but is now a staple and has spawned a legion of stupid ass decisions after it. Dave is probably turning in his grave. He is dead, right?

Edge: Baconator

Round 4: Citation of Sources

You know I know you copied this burger, Burger King. Were you even trying to make it look like your own? You didn’t even rearrange the sentences. And where is your Works Cited page? Come to think of it, one of the previous things you turned in, The Big King, reminds me of another student's paper…

Winner by TKO: The Baconator

Final Thoughts:
I’d like to leave you with the President of Burger King, Alex Macedo’s, sweet, beautiful, naive statement on the Bacon King, “We didn’t hold back with the BACON KING™ sandwich. Six strips of bacon, four slices of cheese and two big beefy flame-grilled patties. The BACON KING™ sandwich makes meat-lovers’ dreams a reality. We know our guests are going to put this burger into heavy rotation.” Thanks for making our dreams a reality, Alex. And I assume he shouted “Bacon King” and then whispered “tm” because that’s how it was formatted.

Burger King again? It's time to expand your horizons. Everyone knows Wendy's is better than Burger King. Maybe next you should compare the carl's jr classic double California cheeseburger to an in-n-out double-double... we'll all be left wondering the results.

iCarly Rae Jepsen · Oct 13, 2016

Fucking Dustin said:

I feel like I could be the Bubba of eggs

I just need a Forrest Gump companion to list eggs to

It you

Fucking Dustin · Oct 13, 2016

iCarly Rae Jepsen said:

It you

Debbie is a pretty perfect depiction of me

Justice Beaver · Oct 13, 2016

Ken said:

A strong first review. Detailed. Eloquent. Passionate. The future looked bright so many moons ago.

This was a teaser? More like a jerk-off comment for likes. Only @Dirty Sanchez was foolish enough to play along.

A return to form. A tour de force, if you will. Detailed. Succinct. Relentless. This review pummels the reader with details, almost too many, but a late in the game connection to culinary fuckery saved it. The future isn't quite as bright, but the sun is still shining.

Arby's is a step up from BK and that is well represented here. There's a little too much stalling in this review. And ultimately, your assesment is incorrect. This sandwich isn't very good and as a result, your credibility has taken a major hit. Don't seek employment at the Times as their food reviewer.

This is the low point I was expecting. The review has no depth. No warmth or sophistication to speak of. It's short, abrupt, and arbitrary. Next.

Yet you published it anyway?

For hating on BK, you sure have eaten it a lot over the past few months. I suppose if one wanted to review food professionaly, he or she could begin their career by targeting low quality foods and blasting them with hard judgments and pop-culture tie-ins. Hopefully your next review is better.

Burger King again? It's time to expand your horizons. Everyone knows Wendy's is better than Burger King. Maybe next you should compare the carl's jr classic double California cheeseburger to an in-n-out double-double... we'll all be left wondering the results.

Damn, dude. Savage.

Ken · Oct 13, 2016

Justice Beaver said:

Damn, dude. Savage.

I'm breaking you down so I can build you back up. That's what a real executive producer does.

Justice Beaver · Oct 13, 2016

I thought it was general consensus that the Smoke Mountain was a high point. And I eat a lot of Burger King because, if you haven't noticed, Burger King stopped giving a fuck lately and has been churning out some truly stupid shit. The Bacon King/Ator review was by request because I care about my fans. Also, I feel like I'm being harshly critiqued for some of my casual not-real review comments. I thought I was amongst friends here.

Also,

Ken · Oct 13, 2016

Justice Beaver said:

I thought it was general consensus that the Smoke Mountain was a high point. And I eat a lot of Burger King because, if you haven't noticed, Burger King stopped giving a fuck lately and has been churning out some truly stupid shit. The Bacon King/Ator review was by request because I care about my fans. Also, I feel like I'm being harshly critiqued for some of my casual not-real review comments. I thought I was amongst friends here.

Also,

haha, I'm just playing around. I enjoy your reviews a lot.

Justice Beaver · Oct 13, 2016

Ken said:

haha, I'm just playing around. I enjoy your reviews a lot.

Justice Beaver · Oct 13, 2016

Ken said:

I'm breaking you down so I can build you back up. That's what a real executive producer does.

Thoughts @dhayes ?

oldjersey · Oct 13, 2016

Eggs suck and I want no part of Beavs production

suicidesaints · Oct 13, 2016

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