Daily AMA • Page 54

@Anthony_ you are helping a friend apply for jobs. You show him the online lawyer jobs board that you used to get your current job. As you're helping him fill out his application, you show him how to search for specific skills or job titles. You take over his laptop and begin navigating through the website and say "so, for example, if you wanted to find my current job title and see all the firms that are hiring, you'd type in 'pro bono dylan lawyer' and see everyone who is hiring for that." You hit enter and the first result that comes up is a job similar to your current job but it's in a state you've always wanted to move to. You bookmark it for later. I mean, it's perfect, you can't not apply for it. You probably won't get it, but it's worth it to just brush up on your resume and interview skills. It's probably nothing.

That following day you sit in your recliner that your parents gave you when you moved out. It was one of your only pieces of furniture you had in your apartment until you could save up for a couch. Next to you is the end table that was your grandparents that your mom got when your grandma died when you were only 2. There are water rings from decades of people not respecting wood. As you sit in the recliner, you stare at your laptop screen, the job application from yesterday you bookmarked is the only tab in your browser. You text a few family members and friends asking if you should apply for it or not. They all know you've always talked about moving to this state for years, so they all enthusiastically respond with "Yes!" or some other variation.

You fill out the application, hit the "apply" button, and close the laptop. Your mind starts to race of all the possibilities. What would it look like to wake up in the morning in your new apartment, 350 miles away, look out from your bedroom window and see the mountain ranges to the west? What would traffic be like? Would your apartment come with a microwave or would you have to buy one? The excitement and the anxiety race in your head with a million possibilities of what could be if everything pans out. You take a drink of your Founder's All Day IPA, finish your taco bell, and go on about your day.

A few days later you get a call from a 303 area code number on your phone while you're home sick from work. Your heart races, it could be the HR department from the place you applied for over the weekend. You clear your throat and answer, but your voice still sounds like an odd mix between a 60 year old smoker and a 12 year old pubescent boy. You set up the interview with the HR Technician, Ivy.

Then, before you know it, you're flying out to Denver International Airport to interview in person barely over a week after you applied. Everything is moving so fast. Your stomach is upset. You almost miss your plane because you're nervous shitting in the bathroom. Your flight leaves at 6:00am and you arrive in Denver at 7:30am their time. You don't remember much, you pass out immediately in your seat.

However, you keep getting constantly woken up. At first you're not sure what the sensation you're feeling. You're too tired to realize what feeling is or where you are. Then it hits you. The armrest is being fought over between you and the person next to you. They have the window seat. You have the aisle. Everyone knows the window seat person leans to the window and the aisle seat person gets the arm rest. It's law. You stand your ground. You needle this older man's elbow and put just enough pressure against it to send a message. "Stay out of my territory" from Breaking Bad plays in your head. You're a fucking bad ass and you're not gonna take shit from this old fuck. He's even got one of those fucking neck pillow bullshit things. There's no reason for him to need the armrest that is rightfully yours. He relents and you fall back asleep, finally at peace with the universe. However, that was strike one.

You are barely cognizant as you leave the plane when it lands. You go through the terminal, pass the rows of sales booths with candy, sunglasses, travel trinkets, and calendars with denver scenery. Capitalism, disgusting. You follow the signs sheepishly directing you to the terminal train to get you to the rental car pick up lot. At one point you walk past an older man rushing out of the bathroom, he almost runs into you and knocks you over, but you've been there, just a few hours ago even when you almost missed your flight. You spare this man the lecture. However, this is now strike two.

You navigate to the escalators and go down two levels to get to the terminal c train. You wait a few minutes, notice all the couples, families with their kids, and the weird guy who is taking his skis on the plane. Stupid inconsiderate fuck. You board the train and take it to the main terminal. You leave with the crowd, and make your way to the escalators where you have to go back up the two levels to get to ground level and get to your shuttle.

You let the person in front of you board the escalator and then leave the understood 1 step space between you and them. You step on and stay to the right like you're supposed to. You've done this for years, you know how escalators work. However, you notice something in your periphery. You sense something is wrong. There is someone in your bubble.

You turn your head slightly enough to notice the atrocity that has been committed. Now you are fully aware and your skin crawls. The person behind you DID NOT LEAVE 1 STEP SPACE! They have violated the written law of escalators. They have committed the cardinal sin. This fucking piece of shit 20-something dude bro with his god damn fucking northface pullover, his studded jeans, and his spiked up hair make your blood boil. What a piece of fucking garbage human being. By the time you process it, you're already at the first level. You step off, take a breath, think of all the happiness you could be experiencing if everything goes well today, and step on the next escalator to get to ground level.

And then it happens. Once wasn't enough for this sick fuck. He probably gets off to doing this shit in public. Some sort of social rule violating exhibitionist sick fuck. No, this monster, this fucking animal of a human being, is standing on the step immediately behind you on the escalator AGAIN. That does it. That was the last fucking straw. You got up too early, boarded a plane too cold, sat next to an old fuck to stubborn to give up your armrest, and endured too much in your life to let this go. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to you.

Do you:
1. Turn around, ask this dude behind you "What the fuck is wrong with you??", and spend the next 7 minutes explaining the 1 step rule to this asshole.

2. passive aggressively squeak out a toot to teach him a subtle lesson to not stand so close to complete strangers in public.

3. Stew about it but ultimately say nothing and go on about your day.

Choose wisely.

 

Your trip to that job interview was that bad, huh

 

what no this is completely hypothetical. answer the question.

 

What did you wind up doing? Just out of curiousity. Also, is "toot" the most polite way to say "fart?"

 

holy god

 

all of this and still no answer to mine

welcome to my block list

 

It’s not my turn to answer questions. Cam said maybe this week I’ll get it again. Be patient.

 

I tooted. It was too early for me to interact with another human being but too terrible of a transgression to let it go unpunished.

 

@Dirty Sanchez had the right idea my feed is already so much better

 

now you're the only one with that avatar

 

When do I get my own thread for questions?!

 

@electro haikus will have to schedule you.

 

Shut up

 

@electro haikus plz schedule me

 

the fart, definitely.

 

in a society as fucked up like the one we're in today, the little things like respecting arm rests, escalator and elevator etiquette, urinal etiquette, etc. are of utmost importance.

 

Anthony, do I ever cross your mind anytime?

 

you're my new favorite poster. Welcome to the Polite Society.

 

I also would have gone with the toot.

 

@Anthony_ what's one item you wish you could have at your desk at work?

 

Yes in fact I wake up reaching out for you

 

I wish I could have my PS4 haha but that would be bad

 

And do I just get to piggyback your day or so I need my own

 

Kind of sad I haven't gotten an ama tbh