Mental Health Thread • Page 78

It's testing my dad's mental health now that we just learned that my grandmother (his mom) has bladder cancer. It's too soon to figure what to do, but it's going to be really trying on my dad because we're across the country from her and he's extremely close to his parents. Right now, the immediate plan is to fly my dad over to her side and have him stay there.

 

So I got the link for the background check but now I have to remember my college login from almost 4 years back jesus christ. Can't let this glide today. Got the email at like 11pm Thursday, Friday was all over the world. Tryna not get too frustrated/stressed out tryna remember my login.

 

My dope cravings are unbearable lately. Almost to the degree my general opiate cravings were that led me to h in the first place. there was an...incident last night where someone was in my apartment fucked up on oxy and actually pulled out one while doing something else and it really fucked me up....like some triggers are hard to really define but being in the same room as someone fucked up on opiates AND the opiate itself...I literally was shaking and had to pull my girlfriend in the other room and tell her what was up...needless to say this person will never be stepping foot in our apartment again. But I'm still so shaken up by it...god I wanna use so badly

 

Today was really important for my mental well-being and I feel so grateful to all the millions of people who were out marching today. Even typing that sentence and being able to use the world "millions" puts a smile on my face. I was in such a dark place for 3 or 4 days, and I know this kind of relief is only temporary, but I really needed it. I just want to keep fighting and get to work and make sure this momentum doesn't fade. I hope today is just the first of many days that leave me with a feeling like this.
I am absolutely exhausted but in the absolute best way. It feels good to be able to share something positive in here for once.

 

I scare myself sometimes. Had a lot of bad nights, most of them blacked out of my mind saying things that I can't even understand when I'm sober. Didn't start happening till I started my medication but I've been experiencing extreme levels of paranoia while intoxicated. Apparently my mom was trying to make sure I wasn't gonna die and I kept asking who she was, and was convinced she wasn't actually my mom. Of course I remember none of that so I can't even understand it myself.

 

My mom and I got in a fight as is inevitable when we're together more than a few hours. We're sleeping at my sisters and I told her I did not want to share a bed with her & I warned her multiple times earlier, but she didn't take me seriously cause apparently she's never met me, and then she threw a legit tantrum. First off I have to sleep with a light on and netflix and that annoys most people anyway. And I just hate sharing beds with people. I hate being breathed on and I imagine them all dirty and grimy, and we did the march and she didn't shower after and I cant. Plus my resentment has built so much that I get angry even looking at her sometimes, let alone sleeping in a bed with her. Her appearance like embodies all of the insecurities and standards she tried to project onto me and it brings up feelings sometimes to even look at her.

Anyway, she whined that I'm just like my sister about sharing beds so I told her that maybe she shouldn't have raised emotionally stunted children. It's always over the stupidest things and I know it's stupid and petty

 

It's amazing the way you handle the situation. I'm glad gf helped you too. Support and understanding is so awesome and important.

Even if it's just a couple days reprieve, you deserve it. For the 1st time in a while, I feel hopful. I think 2017 might be ok if we continue to lean on each other and stand our ground.

 

Hope I didn't come off as a jerk. Thanks for offering to talk about it. Hope your medication ends up working.

 

you didn't. "no" was a perfectly acceptable answer there. hope you're feeling better today.

 

@sophos34 echoing Erin, this is some badass strength you are showing and a girl in your corner that believes in that strength too. Sending as much love as Jason's hosted servers can handle.

I also really, really want to support this hope. We're in some shit, no doubt, and the weight these past few months and the thought of the future just seem entirely unbearable, but we are not alone and the weight isn't ours alone to bear. The ways we relate to each other and support each other are incredibly powerful and everyone here gets to tap into that power. 2017 is going to throw some shit at us, but seriously, together we've got this.

 

Man, I've been trying really hard to call out the shitheads I see on my Facebook wall and confront them about their harmful and bigoted views, but it is so incredibly draining. It's so difficult to manage my anxiety while trying to explain to some asshole I don't even know online why letting women die because of the anti-abortion executive order is a bad thing. And then I feel terrible for being exhausted by it, because I know for women and POC and other minorities this is the sort of thing they've had to deal with for years and years, and I just started doing it. Until a couple days ago I'd just block those people and keep my Facebook presence to a minimum.

I don't know, I'm just not sure if I can physically and mentally handle much more of it. I want to call out injustice and prejudice when I see it, of course, but I feel completely wiped out and don't know how I'm supposed to go do homework for 3 years knowing these idiots haven't budged one bit. I'll try to confront them when I can but if I did this every day I would utterly collapse.

I recognize this is a very privileged post to make and I apologize for that, I'm just so scared and disappointed that the high of Saturday wore off almost immediately after.

EDIT: Lol yeah I just had to block this motherfucker because he said I don't care about drug addicts or the people in Flint because I don't want women in other countries to die because of unsafe abortions. What the fuck. I am shaking.

 

So early in the semester and I'm already fucking up. Did nothing today even though I have two assignments due on Thursday. I'm so bad at pushing myself.

 

Speaking to horrible bigoted people can be very draining! With so many of these people, engaging them makes no difference because they are dead set in their ways. I've had to unfriend/block people on facebook because it just wasn't worth it a few times.

 

I came to that point today. It was clear the guy I was in a spat with wasn't willing to listen or learn and all it was doing was raising my blood pressure, haha. I definitely got a little over-emotional about it, but in the moment I seriously felt like throwing my phone against a wall and receding into a cave to live like a hermit for the next four years. I feel better now, though. I think I just need to be more selective in the kind of people I combat with, and make better judgments on when to cease and desist when no progress is being made.

 

Getting slight anxiety with everything going on in life atm. So much of it is both needed and positive but it's still a big change that I guess to a degree I'm over worrying about.

Getting back into the world. Can I really put up with the grind and day to day in & out, dealing with people? (I will. I get on well with people and handle situations well... but it's been awhile.)
Things moving forward with my girl. Do I know everything I need to know to be 100% sure we're set for this? (I do, but we still been through so much together to the point just all good forward progression is awkward sometimes.)
I'm trying to move away from everything I ever knew. Am I ready? Do I really know wtf this all is going to take? It wasn't long ago I felt hopeless & directless, is this all too fast? (I know I'll be fine cus I'll have the support in place finally I always needed as well as being the person I need to be finally..)

Overthinking and the grips of depression even in more positive times just stick poking at me perhaps... But definitely a lil jumbled up seeing everything before me. Hate that sometimes it just feels like I still need to learn life is allowed to have good things and not always be some sort of personal hell lol.

 

Feeling so shit. Today will be a struggle.

 

Ugh of course when my work tells me I'll be getting more hours, they actually mean I'll be lucky if I get an extra hour each day and that's it. They failed to tell me they gave like 3 other people the same client as me, working the same shift as me, so we are all fighting for work from 1 account. This shit is getting really old really fast and I'm just feeling completely defeated.

 

I drank way too much and smoked more than usual on Saturday (yay for awesome protests). When that has happened in the past I usually am informed I managed to offend an inordinate amount of people, cracked one or two good jokes, and people that are close to me won't talk to me for a few days.

I know I said, or did something incredibly stupid at some point...but I've yet to be confronted by anyone about it, and that's somehow more unsettling than the alternative.

 

I'm almost positive it's only a thing in Canada but Bell Let's Talk is tomorrow. Funnily enough it's giving me mad anxiety and bringing up some very bad feelings. Last year I wrote this big long thing on facebook basically being like "hello people who know me I have been depressed since I was 16" and I feel weirdly obliged to write something again. It's also a reminder that I am in no way better (probably actually worse) than this exact point last year. During the last year I also stopped taking any meds (since I can't be covered by my parents insurance anymore, they're way too expensive.) And this is so cheesy but I remember writing that thing last year and literally feeling that a weight had lifted. For the first time in a while I pictured a somewhat happy future. But now a year later I'm just fatter and unemployed.

 

Might just end up posting something like that ^ tomorrow lol I'm very good at opening up maybe once or twice a year then crawling back into my hole I guess.

 

Cut up into little bits, or whole flower?

I lean towards sliced and diced.

Edit: wow, that's some creepy sounding shit that was meant for the weed thread, haha.

 

Having a hard night. Feeling pretty hopeless about the world, both personally and in a general sense. Kinda hoping that I won't wake up tomorrow.

 

Yeah, I get that. Every time I even look at the news I get even lower.

 

I'm up at 3 AM because I can't stop sifting through the bullshit surrounding our evil fascist orange president. I don't even know if I'm looking for something to cheer me up or to make me even sadder. I can't do 4 years of this shit, man.

Still, try to remember the good vibes of the marches were 4 days ago. We are many, we are one (or something cheesy like that)

 

Don't forget to #bellletstalk