Mental Health Thread • Page 74

rough couple of nights

 

I haven't really been doing too well lately. I don't know what's going on. I want to be able to snap myself into back into where I need to be right now but it obviously doesn't work like that. Overall I'm just not pleased with how I've started this semester. Something needs to change.

I feel like I keep unintentionally putting the burden on my girlfriend. She hates knowing that I'm not doing well, but there are a lot of times when there's just nothing she can really do or say to make a difference. And that's not her fault at all, there's nothing anyone could do. So it feels like I either have to indirectly upset her by telling her, "no I'm not okay, no you can't really help" or I have to lie to her and pretend everything is fine, and neither one makes me feel comfortable. I love her so much, she is so understanding and generous and emphatic and can make such a beautiful difference on even my darkest days, but there a lot of times that I'm just beyond help or care. And vice versa. But it's just so painful, on top of the preexisting pain.

I don't know. I'm kind of just rambling. I just know I've been compartmentalizing and internalizing everything the past few days and it feels kind of good to articulate it.

 

My mom sent me a pic of her aunt and cousins to tell me I look like them and def have her family's blood and I'm like cool thanks I don't care. idk. I resent when she or her mom has to say I have their blood in me like I don't even check for ur family or know them or care. The worst is when my mom's mom is like "oh you have a McNeely sense of humor!!" Literally who??? Yes, I def inherited my sense of humor from family that I'd see for maybe a few days every three years. I do not check for you. Bye.

I'm cranky so things that would normally just annoy me are clearly hitting a bigger nerve today lol

 

im not sure if im just really insecure or if i have a right to be bothered by and made uncomfortable by certain things that have happened over the last couple weeks and really over the last few days. its bad enough that i just uprooted my entire life and left behind everything ive ever known to move here, but now im having some pretty bad trust issues in regards to some things and its just a lot to handle all together. im really far out of my comfort zone right now and im having trouble dealing, maybe thats why ive been getting upset about some things but i also think some of it is justified....idk.

 

If you feel like it is justified, then you should be open about whatever it is you're dealing with, so as to be able to address it; otherwise it will fester. Anyway, am here if you need to talk.

 

we've been talking about it, she thinks its justified but i dont wanna be like coercing her into conceding that it is if that makes sense... we're fine for now we talked last night and this morning but im not exactly as stable as id like to be right now. its just a process i need to work through. im not really used to these kinds of things, havent had a long term relationship like this really ever or been with anyone at all in a while so a lot of what im dealing with is new and intimidating and im having trouble really expressing and working through what im feeling, which has caused a lot of these issues since ive been bottling a lot up over the last few weeks. anyway, thanks for the kind words and support, always means the world

 

I can't imagine how moving halfway across the country would feel, I guess very stressful, hope it turns out well

 

its been a lot of ups and downs so far, mostly ups but im still trying to adjust which for me is hard i have a very hard time leaving my comfort zone

 

feel you on leaving your comfort zone, I never do it even though I know in the long run I need to or nothing will happen

 

yeah i felt stuck back at home and like i was going nowhere with no real plans after graduation, i took a huge chance and i know in the long run this will be good for me and i'll get stronger there's just gonna be some growing pains and homesickness

 

I don't want you to get mad at me but I was worried that you started dating so quickly after rehab. By no means do I want you two to breakup or anything like that. Just what you went through is fucking hard and relationships are stressful. I know in rehab for alcoholism they don't want you dating until a year after. Maybe moving, a loving girlfriend is just what you need. I have seen in your posts that you seem really happy.

What I'm mainly trying to say is we're here. If you need support, to talk, to cry, we're always here. I want to see you succeed and if you feel like you might be spiraling we can help, she can help bc she seems awesome. I hope this didn't come off as holier than thou, nosy, etc. I know it helps to have people to turn to which is why I love this thread. If girlfriend needs to talk we're here for her too. You didn't ask for my opinion but I felt compelled to write this.

 

oh no i totally get that and it was a risky move for sure but its paid off i wouldnt change anything for the world, and i know a lot of people think that rule is important and i know a lot of people who think that rule shouldnt stop you from doing something that will bring you happiness. as it stands, whats going on doesnt have much to do with my drug problem. we still have a very strong relationship and will absolutely get through this and really anything, we've already been through a lot not just including my own problems but some of the problems she was facing too that ended up with her coming to live with me for a bit. which we both think was crazy and risky but ncessary and a necessary pay off when it worked out.

anyway i appreciate the undying support i get from this place and you and everyone who has reached out, it means the world and i know my girlfriend will appreciate it too. as i said, our relationship is still very strong and we're going to get through this, there's not a doubt in either of our minds about that, its just growing pains of a relationship thats still somewhat new but mature and developed to a degree where we're confident in our ability to work through things. it just takes work, which im starting to realize.

love you all

 

Idk if it's the same thing but my friend also experienced a lot of these feelings when she moved to be with her husband. I think all the change and the fact that she didn't have a support system there aside from her husband was really hard. She'd cling to him and become upset when he went and did his own thing cause she didn't have her own network and felt really lonely and lost and all the change was overwhelming. Once she made her own friends and become more comfortable with the new setting it turned out really well. Again idk if that's even remotely similar to what you're going through but you went through a huge change and you're away from much of your support system and that's scary! I wish you well! I'm sure y'all will get through it and be stronger and closer in the end!

 

thats actually extremely similar to whats happening haha. i know a couple people in the city but once i get a job and meet more people i think things will be better. im also trying to stay in constant contact with my parents because i know they'll do anything for me/us that we need and will always be a great support system. i just dont want to be suffocating my girlfriend with my problems when she has school and her own social situations to worry about, i dont want her expending all her energy on me when i need to figure things out on my own. obviously we will still always be there for each other no matter what but its not fair of me to ask too much of her, especially when shes also going through an adjustment period of going back to school

 

anyway i just walked out of my room and she was cooking me a lovely home made dinner and i damn near cried because of how lucky i am and how much i love this woman, things are gonna be okay

 

It's settled. I'm moving to Philly to hang with jakej

 

I LOVE THIS CITY!!! thats the big thing about this whole moving thing is that im realllllly enjoying the overall environment, just figuring out my identity in all of it and how i fit in here.

 

I know I whine about my TA a lot just cause I'm whiny and annoying, but she got into a car accident last week and her husband just called me to say she had a heart attack and I'm like wtf and I feel like the worst person ever. Like I get annoyed because she craves validation even tho I give it to her constantly and it was never enough, and now I'm like wow I'm stupid and petty af. Like who even cares about that? And of course I'm making it all about me cause I'm self centered af. But idk what you're supposed to do when things like this happen. So I'm just crying and I want to eat my feelings. I was too in shock to really ask her husband any questions and I don't wanna bombard them but like wtf

 

Feeling much better about everything today, I cleaned the whole apartment last night to show my girlfriend how much I appreciate her and we had a nice night and morning together. I'm working on being more selfless and less in my head about things

 

I posted alluding to finally being able to feel and be motivated, gunning hard for jobs and just to take my life back as a whole.... Well.... I got a call back from a job I applied to today and before even bringing me in for the interview they said I might be qualified for a higher paying position... interview tomorrow at 11am.

 

Fuck yeah

 

What type of job?

 

Nothing grandiose, I just applied for a entry level position basically at this store and when I got the call the girl setting up the interview suggested me for a Shift Leader/Manager position and I was like oh okay, sure lol. Not to sound cocky but I took it as it's mine to lose tomorrow if they're already suggesting me for more lol.

 

That's awesome let me know how it goes. I'll be waiting here because I got very little going on tommorrow.

 

I need to find a job. I just registered for classes (one of which starts on the 19th) so now that I know my schedule I should probably start doing that - or at least put more effort into it.