Mental Health Thread • Page 68

Just found out that I may have possibly lost my job......Like there was zero fucking notice at all. They just sent out an email saying the client is not using our company anymore starting today. So I now have to keep my fingers crossed that I can be transferred to another client but that was our biggest client so I'm not even sure if the company will stay afloat. And if I do get another client, my pays are going to be super small because every client has different ways of doing things so now I'll be on a learning curve and I'm paid based off production. Just when I think things can't get worse, they always seem to.

 

im slowly unraveling my identity and such issues and it's helping a lot my girl is 100% behind me as i sort it out and lowkey somewhat seems to know the picture im painting as i paint it. its nice to be understood. no hyperbole, but i really think this is super key to me to finally feel comfortable in pushing forward in everything.
i dont know i feel like being fully comfortable and supported in your own skin is more important than most things, i can only hope/always aim to give my girl, friends, and family the same support, it's nice to have that back, ha.

it's humbling how much "mental health" shit can be tackled by just having the right support & understanding on things that are needed.

 

It's weird of me but I connected with a certain kid so hard and fast even tho I didn't know him long. he'd smile and do a lil excited dance and hug my legs when he saw me and he'd sit in my lap a lot and was just the cutest and brightest lil kid despite having circumstances that would often regress development. I almost cried when he left and I know I'll never see him again and he prob already doesn't remember me. I would have adopted him if I could. I still see his name on paperwork sometimes and get really sad. today I saw he was still in my computer system and got really bummed out. I haven't been feeling it this year and I think it started shortly after he left. it's weird. I don't tend to connect like that with anyone ever and I miss him a lot. it is weird to feel that way about a kid who prob has no idea who I am now and idk why he impacted me so profoundly but I've just been sad. I see kids come and go all the time, and ones I've known longer, so idk what's wrong with me.

 

My Parents have an odd inferiority complex to the sense they are always comparing their lives financially to others or just how 'others have more' to the extent even their children showing they have the capacity to have more with the families they build they get a complex about that as well.
I've spoken to my situation with the same with my fiancee but I can watch the same being afforded to my brother with his girlfriend WHO ACTUALLY LIVES HERE and they are super passive aggressive about it to the point they won't even say anything to him or her CUS THEY KNOW they're ridiculous.
This is turns makes my fiancee very bitter cus "Oh they can treat Dylan different cus he don't give a fuck and does whatever he wants, but cus you're sensitive and considerate they'll dick us around?"
So unnecessary & ridiculous.

*sigh* I can't build up this money fast enough...

 

Has anyone got any tips to help me become more approachable? Today I've been having some frank discussions with a colleague who has been basically telling me about who I am as a person. I haven't got anyone in my life I can talk to in that way so I basically just asked the colleague to tell me the truth about exactly how she sees me and pull no punches, and the number one issue was that I am almost 100% unapproachable. She literally said something like "if I was someone who had a crush on you I just wouldn't even approach you because you look like you wouldn't be interested at all" - this is a nightmare!!! I would be so flattered if anyone expressed an interest at all (I'm so lonely lol), so I don't want to be doing anything to make people think they couldn't simply engage me in even basic, non-romantic conversation!!!

Edit: Lol @ "non-romantic conversation" I am HOPELESS

 

I've been noticing lately that I am obsessing over food and being fat. I wish my mind would give me a break sometimes.

 

Are you a guarded person? I know I get that a lot too because I think I subconsciously put up "don't talk to me" walls, especially when I'm uncomfortable in social situations where meeting someone would be more likely. Did she tell you why you're unapproachable? Do you have resting bitch face lol?

 

Unfortunately yes I am a guarded person - so much that my own mother has openly said to me in the past that she rarely bothers asking me about my life and how I'm feeling because she knows she wouldn't get much of a response!!! I must put up those walls too, but I def also have resting bitch face! Either that or resting sad face and my ugly-ass dark circles put people off lol.

 

Alarming cluster of youth suicides in Fresno County commanding attention of parents

this is happening out at another school in the district I went to and it's just so sad seeing some of the statements I've been seeing from people on the subject.

 

I've been distracting myself pretty well lately, but tonight has been rough. Been thinking too much and worrying about my future and have just been extremely down. I feel extremely alone and isolated.

 

I'm moving next week and will finally be out of my ex's house, which is a huge source of relief. But at the same time I keep shoving the bad parts to the back of my mind but they're getting louder. I've been so happy thinking about getting away from him that I haven't stopped to think about how lonely I will be once I'm living on my own. This compounded with the fact that the guy I've been 'talking to' is going to be out of town for the next 3 weeks, and I know my mental health is going to take a nose dive. I will probably hole myself up in my house and just not talk to anyone.

 

just went to the last alumni group meeting ill be able to go to at the rehab i went to for treatment. really bittersweet saying bye to my counselor, he seemed upset in that it was the last time he'll see me but he's known ive been wanting to move to philly since i met my girlfriend and encouraged me to make it happen so he was glad to see im really doing it. him and everyone else in my life seem to think i'll be okay and i do too so i owe it to all of them and myself to make sure i stay on the right path and dont slip up. on the one hand its a lot of pressure but on the other its good motivation to make sure i stay in line and dont relapse

 

Which also my six month clean date passed by a few days ago and I forgot

 

I wonder if I'll regret spending so much of my life being the mediator. When I was younger I was the one always arguing with my mother and causing rifts but somehow as I got older I became the "rational" one that always smoothed things over because I am the only one who doesn't get emotional in situations. But I think part of me liked being called the "rational" one so I internalized that and feel like I always have to be that voice of reason or I'll rock the boat and throw off the balance? It's dumb. I have one life and I shouldn't use it placating everyone else.

 

Most of the time, for me, that thing is work.

 

I will become a leader that speaks truth to power, that can connect the dots, and can bridge street politics to washington......and then I will be publicly executed by facists, and it will be worth it.

Narcissist, honest determination, delusions of grandeur, psychosis, literary license, agent provocateur? You decide.

Edit: I think I have cancer.

 

Dunno if this an original work, but it made me feel. Thank you.

 

it's an "original work" in the sense that it's a post that i just wrote about things that i am feeling, i guess?

 

Shop that around. Because you just created art that needs to reverberate through millienia.

 

Welp, tried the smallest dose of Latuda for 5 days and it gave me the worst mania of my life. Seemed to cancel out my Seroquel completely, too.

Thankfully, skipping one dose brought me back. It was the worst restless feeling.. could barely sleep all week and yet I was still was running on so much adrenaline and not wanting to sit still. Super productive time, at least.

I just want something to slow my damn thoughts down and help control my cyclical, self-defeating thoughts >_<. My 200mg of Lamictal doesn't seem to do anything.

 

Last night I found out my best friend may be homeless. I was willing to help him but didn't want him LIVING HERE since I knew he'd end up crashing with me in my spot (and while he's a good dude he's done a lot of shitty things lately to survive, if my shit/money started disapearring I'd have to smack him around). My Mom decided to help him out, let him crash.
Long story short this lead to my Dad (Drunk) trying to pick a fight with me cus I was leaving to go with my Mom to get my friend. He came at me saying "I should beat your fucking ass" thinking EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM I DONT DESIRE HIM LIVING HERE thats what I was trying to do. He pulled my hoodie off me in an effort to start a fight/punk me, so I pushed him and he fell on his ass. I stood over him and went to swing but purposely pulled the punch.
My sister called the cops and this is where it all fucked up.
My sister has looked at me & my brother as scumbags for our entire life. She thinks my brother is a piece of shit cus he sells weed to make ends meet, and she thinks I am cus I deal with REAL (she lies about everything from cutting to being (physically) abused by online bfs she never even met) depression & smoke myself.
Her vendetta was solely to get me arrested to fuck ME and MY life up.
Nothing happened beyond them making a report but the damage was done.

I woke up to my Mom demanding apologies and I was like "Tell me with a straight face that the cops would've been called if I was the one getting handled" (I've been attacked, assaulted, and beaten without anyone caring before) NO ONE could.
Told em to get the fuck outta here, that's all I needed to know, don't ask me for shit anymore.
None of this was on me and I'M the one who needs to apologize? Please believe you can kiss my ass.

 

Jesus, I'm wicked sorry. Nobody deserves physical abuse from their family, it's something that always pains me to hear and makes me so angry that a parent is failing at their most basic job: to protect and love your kid.

Maybe next time you should call the police on your dad heh. That's more my anger talking. Did the cops at least seem to get the feeling that this was a two-way fight and believe your side?

 

To be totally honest my Dad was never one to do anything, he was the laid back parent. Does he get agitated/stressed out? Absolutely but he's also a street dude who was in & out of jail when he was younger (even though hes 63 and a lot less... dangerous now) so he understand his own danger usually. Even drunk he only hit me once when he jokingly wanted to slap box..... which ended in me bruising his ribs lol.
My Mom was the one who over numerous things would do everythign from calling me pathetic to pulling my hair and punching me in the face. My Mom is usually a big hearted, loving person who'd do anything for her kids but the issue is...
Neither of them can handle their life, the stress in it, or anything else.

I still want a relationship with my family that i never had. But its clear that's dead. Time to just survive till I'm done with you.

 

Ugh today me and my sis had to go in my mom's work and she had to pretend to be motherly by showing us around to her coworkers like she didn't choose to move away from us to be with a guy. It's clear she feels insecure that nobody knows she's our mom or we're her kids but she made the choice so..... it's just irritating. Stop over compensating and just be a real mom. But she like acts out being a mom instead of being one instinctually?? Not that she doesn't love us or doesn't do mom things sometimes but she lacks a maternal vibe and everything feels forced.