Mental Health Thread • Page 65

In a downswing right now. Barely feel like speaking lately. Glad the week's almost over. I need to recuperate. Hopefully some sleep.

 

It's been a rough night. I can't go into detail but things aren't great. I kind of want to die and hate myself

 

I don't know what I can say to be helpful but I hope you're safe and able to pull through it

 

Thanks so much I appreciate it. Things are gonna be okay I think I just hit a bit of a rough spot in terms of a few things. Kind of blindsided me with how well things had been going but maybe they weren't going so well and I just convinced myself everything was fine. Idk. I still have my health I still have my girlfriend (thankfully), I just need to work on some things that I've been neglecting to address

 

thank you both for making me feel less "crazy" for the lack of better words. some days i really do feel like i am more detached from reality than other days. or maybe, so in tune with reality that it overwhelms me and i become hopeless. either way, there is comfort knowing that i'm not alone. like i kind of already knew i'm not, but sometimes i need someone else to tell me, because i often don't believe in myself.

i am the same way with my parents. i don't even use the d word with them, because i get the "everyone gets down sometimes" lecture, which leads to them pushing me to do shit i'm not ready to do. all i tell them is that i'm not feeling well and that i'm in therapy.

 

Anytime my friend, I know these feelings far to well. Even the whole "Knowing you're not alone" aspect, I find I fall into the hole of knowing that and not caring cus sure there's ppl who get it/have it worse but I don't know any personally who are out here relating and helping me on a personal level. Here's hoping we can both find our stability.




I tried opening up a bit to my Pops (did with my girl a few days prior) today about my feelings on everything atm; from all the issues personally, to what I need from others, owning what I need to do, and even got into how I feel I rather control how I die than let myself die from old age/getting sick/etc. "I had no control over my life, I'm controlling how I die." Neither really knew how to take it but of course my girl bought up "What about if we have kids down the road" etc. I said of course I'd do everything to be there for as long as I can... but if I knew I was dying I wouldn't wanna let anyone control that but me. Of course I wouldn't rush out with obligations, responsibilities and relationships.. I just needed her to know I felt that way for over 10 years.

I want a long, full life but I don't know after everything I'm at least owning the way my life goes out (and yes, of course I'm doing what I can to take control of my life before that). I just wanted to be open about myself with them since, well, they're the only people I talk to in life (outside my 2 good friends, one of which I havent spoke to in 2 months, the other knows and gets it but is optimistic I'll find something to change my mind since I am someone who desires love/a real family so much - I have my girl and I know she's the one, maybe years away from toxicity and it just being me and her will change that). I'd love that, but I don't wanna hide anything from (her especially) those I care about either.

I won't say I'm optimistic, but I will say I'm open to having life slap me across the face and be like "HEY! CALM DOWN! YOU GOT YOUR HAPPY FINALLY!" beat my ass in that case, life lol.

 

If the Patience Fairy could come sprinkle some dust on me, that'd be great. Not being able to control some things today/yesterday has made for a long mental health day. At least it's Friday.

 

I can't help but get really annoyed and snippy with my mom. Everyday she checks to make sure I've taken my medicine. I'm an adult, mother. I never just don't take it or forget. It's one of the only constants in my life sadly lol

 

One of the better constants to have IMO...The last 3 months are the first time in years where I've taken my meds daily. go figure they work better when I do that

 

Man I've had a rough week. Nothing is really working out for me right now. I've had financial, interpersonal, and legal situations arise this week and all the stress is turning me into a nervous wreck.

 

Sorry to hear it man. I can safely say for a lot of posters that you got love here if you ever need it.

 

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I need things to start coming together

 

I try and be Positive cuz I can't afford the alertnative but I can safely say 2016 has been the worst year of my life. Stay away from alchohol kids it fucks your life faster than you expect and it's not a cure for depression.

 

I know I whine about my mom all the time, but today she told my older sis that she's disappointed in her as a daughter and that's like crossing a major line. If we ever told her we were disappointed in her as a mother she'd FREAK OUT. I can't believe she found that appropriate to say, and just because my sis doesn't want her to drink when she watches my nephew. This is going to be a strained holiday season because obviously I have no issues taking sides lol. Honestly the other day a coworker about my mom's age told me "you're so striking. I thought today in the office 'wow, she is so pretty'" and she said it in this really genuine and maternal way and I just thought wow, my own mom would never say anything like that to me. I know nobody is the perfect parent but sometimes I do wonder what it'd be like to have a mom that built up my self esteem and did things selflessly without holding it over my head to get something in return.

 

Your Mom and mine seem to be on somewhat similiar wavelengths, down to even me realizing when I get motherly type care or advice from other I'm like 'See why is that so hard, Mom?" lol of course it's not funny, more sad if anything.
But what really rung true to me was the self esteem and holding it over your head thing you mentioned. My family is very fluent in shame, guilt, and mocking THINKING that will propel whoever it is they're targeting to do things they way they want to; or at least hear their displeasure over you not doing so. That paired with the fact they literally have told me "They don't have to understand or respect anything" because I won't let them consistently be in my pockets I know exactly how you feel.

Love em to death cus they're still my family, Mom especially.. But it's easy to see now that I'm a bit older the baggage and all the other shit that's responsible for now. I barely ever even forgive myself for things now.

 

I'm sorry your relationship with your family is like that too. it's really difficult to navigate all that baggage and realize how it impacted you and try to move forward as a semi decently adjusted adult lol. it kinda makes me never wanna have kids cause I'm like ahhh in what ways will I totally screw them up??

 

It's weird cus I grew up wanting a family very young like I honestly remember being like 7-8 and looking forward to being a dad/husband from the angle of just the bonds/companionship haha. Part of me knew even then I wasn't gunna get what I needed family wise from the one I was born into.
I definitely understand that angle though, I sometimes worry about how well I'd receive all the unexpected twists and turns but I don't worry about love. I more worry about like.. what I'll hand down to them genetically like with this mental shit for example and making sure I let them know if it ever touches them how to handle it or at least they have people who care, support, will listen, and most importantly do their best to understand.

Ya fear what ya know best I guess, and I know that very well lmao.

 

I'm on #TeamMommyIssues, too. @sleepy @Kiana

My sister has gained weight and I was like it's distributed nicely you look good. My mom comes up behind her and says yeah, you've definitely gained a lot and made a face.

That's totally unnecessary. My sister didn't give a fuck but I did.

 

The worst part is that when my sis called to tell me about it I had just thrown up and wasn't on my mom rant A game. I'm petty and live for complaining about my mom and I couldn't even do it effectively!!

 

Your moms sound like my dad lol. He called me on my birthday and told me he was disappointed in me (after forgetting my birthday the year before until FB reminded him.....). He also likes to talk shit about my haircut and how much makeup I wear. I could write a fucking novel about all the issues I have with him ugh. I'm always afraid to write anything about him though bc when I was a teenager he would secretly read things I posted. Now I'm super paranoid and delete shit all the time bc I freak out and think people I know irl are reading it. Which is really annoying since I have no one to really talk to about things except places like this. So hopefully he isn't reading this right now lol

 

Well, if he's reading this right now:

You're a shitty parent, dude. Being a parent is more than a roof and 3 squares. You encourage and champion your kids. You don't tear them down. We get enough of that shit outside of our homes.

 

This is a no dad zone, Jams' dad.

EDIT: I mean the dads that aren't dads on chorus. Y'all are very welcome.

 

Yeah I just tried to talk to my Pops about how long he'd think it'd take to do everything I'm saving up for with my fiancee and he immediately talks about how they're gonna want more money (which I dont even owe them anything for, I just do it out of the grace of my heart even though I know thats all they see me as) and how "I can't see how you're gunna do it." and I'm like well wow. Thanks. Could you at least fake it so I feel some sort of empowerment? Shit..

But dude I know all too well what you're going through, my Mom use to hack my emails and accounts on things just to see everything I was saying. My Dad would joke on me and tell me how he tells his coworkers I'm gay cus I use to paint my nails black and write my then girlfriend poetry and admitted my mental issues.
I'm sorry you deal with that, I'll stop short of saying fuck any parents on that out of respect to both ours but man... I wouldn't know what else to say instead lmao.

Amen. Amen...

 

It's a bitch just being seen as $$ for your family, I don't even know how to express how much that really fucks with me on every level.

 

I grew up as a child of two borderline probably are alcoholics, and despite the erratic, codependent nature of that kind of life (which I am still dealing with in therapy), they championed me every step of the way. I'm not a parent yet, but I do not understand any other option in parenting.