Mental Health Thread • Page 63

Bad morning. I had a panic attack on the train and spent the rest of the trip trying to stop crying and breathe properly again. I've lost all track of time so I'm not sure if I'm having bad days more often; it feels like it though.

 

I don't know which thread to put this in. whatever.

Feeling really discouraged today. I'm frustrated and mad at my therapist, of all people. All she has to do is write a letter of support for my insurance, and I don't think she will without me having to dick around a bunch with my PCP who actually prescribed my T. What if I wasn't on it? I don't need to be for top surgery. Would she just fucking write it then?? What's the fucking issue here?

 

Update: I'm going to be able to get one letter from my PCP, sometime next week after a checkup. I emailed my therapist asking her to tell me flat out if she will write this or not, because if I have to see someone through my PCP's office, I will, and get out of my way because it's going to take even more time to set up the second appointment.

 

Small talk and anxiety sucks. We got a new coworker today and she came and kinda said "hi" to me and then stood next to me for a while and I was like "......" like am I supposed to say something? Pretend like I'm interested in her life? I was panicking and didn't know if it was rude to walk away or not, like I'm really bad at sensing if a convo is over or who should initiate what or if I come off rude so I was just like



and now I feel dumb

 

How do you deal with days where everyone feels like they are out to get you? Like everything you say will be used against you. I can try to shrug off the occasional insults thrown at me. Today feels like a garbage truck parked in front of my house and decided to make it a new dumping ground. You try to find someone to listen to you vent but you find no one. I'm tired of putting up a smiling face. I can't do this anymore.

 

Hey! I'm new to this thread but I've been dealing with this a ton lately. We have an influx of new coworkers at the store I work at and me being a supervisor seems to make them all think I'm supposed to initiate some kind of conversation about things we are mutually interested in, when I really don't have much to say. It gets really slow and quiet at our store when it gets late, and I completely understand the panic of not knowing what to do. I don't think anybody should be expected to hold a conversation when there's not really a conversation to be had. Just know that you weren't in the wrong for not knowing what to do. Small talk and anxiety really does suck when you don't aren't sure if the talk is over or if they're expecting you to say something or answer with something longer.
Just give it time and I promise your relationship with that coworker will develop some, at least to the point where the anxiety with the small talk gets easier :)

 

Today was kinda hard. I've gained a lil weight, like 10 pounds. I think I look okay still but I'd rather not have the weight. so there's that lingering thought, and then twice today people commented that they've never seen me eat so much. I was like oh. I had two helpings of food and a few hours later I tried a bit of all the pies like let me live it's thanksgiving

 

I have practiced small talk for years. I have no use for it myself, think it's a waste, but apparently it's a good way to disguise yourself as a normal functioning human being

 

and hide your bird DNA being a a Birdperson and all

 

That's what we're here for. To help you get through this point in your life. It's nothing but love here.❤️

 

I've become more depressed since work is getting worse. I feel like I'm being set up to fail or something. Nothing ever goes right and I'm always working when we're short staffed, like its purposely set up that way. It's gotten to the point where I'm driving home in tears or I have to take a break and cry in the bathroom. It's really hard for me to get out of bed and go to work and even on my days off I just want to lay in bed. I'm doing a 3 person job most of the time and the stress has taken a toll on me. I can never leave on time anymore and it's really not fair to me. Nobody higher up seems to care. It's like my mental and physical health doesn't matter.

 

I've been stressing about work all week and I can't sleep. I regret that my frustration sometimes gets in the way of me being more effective at my job. I think anyone would get frustrated with what's happening, but someone more experienced or better would handle it less sucky. it's hard because at least when I worked with customers if I screwed up I'd just anger them and life goes on. now if I screw up I could mess up a child and create negative experiences for them. I can't deal with the pressure sometimes. my supervisor keeps telling me I'm doing good but it doesn't help me because I have higher expectations for myself

 

I slept 11 hours last night and I feel like a sleaze. Oh well.

Some folks worry about lizard people, never thinking about the possibility of the birdpeople

 

I could sleep 11 hours every night, I'd be fine with it but I feel like I'm supposed to be an adult and like the morning and be awake, and not say "the morning is stupid and boring"

 

I love sleeping but this is actually a point of contention in my relationship at times. I honestly don't know how Gina can function perfectly on like 5 hours of sleep lol

 

I don't know, I get 10 and there's still like an hour before I can talk to other people lol

 

I sleep around 2-3 hours a night but then eventually it will catch up to me and I'll crash for 8-10 glorious hours.

 

My brain syncs with my alarm clock immediately apparently so now I wake up at 8 every day no matter what

 

feel a certain way about certain things again, very angry at myself and at other people and at the things that have happened to me in life, want to do something impulsive

 

Started going to therapy about a month ago. I don't know if I just don't vibe with my therapist, I like her, but I sort of feel like I'm not getting anything out of it. I continue to go because it's funded through my schol and it's not like anything bad could come of it, but I already have a huge support group who I can talk to about anything and this just feels like there's one person now that I'm venting to. I went to her cause she's a professional and I guess I wanted answers to things but I don't get answers, I just vent and she's like, "it sounds like you feel X and Y" and I'm like, "yeah, no shit". I dunno, perhaps I need to let go of my need to have answers and logical explanations for things, but if that's the case, then I guess I could just stop going to therapy. Thoughts?

 

Made a vow to start standing up for myself a while ago - I've always been a shy, sensitive type person, which brings about a whole lot of problems for me which I'm sure people in this thread will be familiar with, but being seen as "weak" was something I always got upset about the most. Until I realised, wilting in the face of any challenge, staying quiet and being a general pushover WAS weak, so I couldn't have any complaints. Finally having the courage to use my voice, while a challenge to begin with, is one of the best things I have learned to do as far as my mental health goes. I would advise anyone who hasn't learned to do this to give it a try!

 

I was just gonna post about me being a pushover! my anger subsides very quickly so it's hard for me to stand up for myself cause I lose the momentum. I'm also an over-analyzer and don't really impulsively stand up for myself. I have to analyze my feelings and where they come from and why I feel that way but by the time I do that the moment is over. I think I'm also big picture. I'm like "meh does this really matter in the long run? is this really a big deal and worth causing drama over?" and I let it go, but I feel like I'm the only one who lets things go so I get walked all over. and I need to realize that even if something doesn't seem like a big deal rn, that it's indicative of a larger problem and prob actually is a big deal worth standing up over.

I guess I'm also worried about coming off petty. like I wanna stand up to my sis for what she did last night but I feel like if I make it a thing everyone else will roll their eyes at me and tell me to get over it or that I'm blowing it out of proportion

 

I feel this, the bolded in particular - we do it because we have internalized the belief that our voices do not matter. They DO! We can sound off about anything we damn well please lol. And I'm now of the belief that it's better to tell the truth about how I feel and risk annoying people rather that be a mute all the time and have people openly disrespect me.

 

This Thanksgiving break was a shitshow and it felt like it went on for several weeks. Wednesday, I met up with the only other person I know in this city, and ended up doing blow and drinking all night with his roommate. On Thanksgiving, I felt really terrible, and couldn't get myself to do any homework. Friday, I was feeling useless again. I planned to work on music all day, since that is the only thing that really helps me cope with depression, but didn't start doing that until way later in the evening. On Saturday, I was looking around my disgusting room and really wanted to clean it. Again, it took me several hours to get myself to "start my day." Finally, I made myself go for a 30 minute walk, did a little bit of xmas shopping, got some organizing supplies, and some lights to try and inject some kind of holiday happiness. I got my room all sorted out, and felt pretty good, but it was late and I didn't have any motivation to get started on homework. With my more improved mood, I wanted to go out and be social, which really was a mistake. I ended up doing a repeat of Wednesday night, but this time, we didn't go to sleep at all; we stayed up and went out for brunch at noon, which involved 15+ mimosas.

By the time I got home in the late afternoon, I was so drunk and delirious, I was consciously speaking gibberish to my girlfriend--it was like I was in a dream. I managed to email one of my professors asking her if it would be okay for me to turn in my project next week, and thankfully she's okay with it (I've been in regular contact with her all semester and she's been incredibly understanding and empathetic toward my depression). I didn't go to any of my classes today and still have not started any of my school work, which has been piling up over the past week--really important parts of my grade too. I don't have any suicidal thoughts, but I really have no desire to be alive and my body feels really weak. I've been tossing around the idea of checking myself into a hospital, but I can't afford to do it, both financially or academically. I just want this semester to be over, I want to get a job, or at least an internship, that is meaningful to me, and I just want to be able to take care of myself again/have more control over my life.

 

Today sucks. I'm not good enough for a promotion at work, so I'm stuck in the same job I hate rather than transitioning to a new one I would enjoy. I'm up four pounds, so I still have ten to lose before the end of the year to meet my goal. I'm pissed off, disengaged, and just so tired of people and their bullshit. And I'm not even working today. I am starting to put in applications for outside companies, which I really didn't want to do because I like the people i work with. I'm just so tired of never being good enough even though I am.