2 Dating 2 Relationships Thread II: The Squeakquel NSFW • Page 212

ia with what's been said. Which of course can be easier said than done. if you feel like the relationship could go somewhere, being transparent that it's something you're working on and you'd like them to let you know if they see jealous behavior from you so they can keep you accountable helps too. Cause sometimes we don't even realize when we're projecting

Not the same exact problem, but I have some relationship trauma from a past relationship and that's personally what's helped me most in my current relationship. I was too guarded to come out with that right out the gate, but once we developed more trust we talked about it. And it's taken a lot of arguments to kinda get there and it's nowhere near perfect. Sometimes it's still really hard for me to remember in the moment so even if my partner kindly brings it to my attention I have to humble myself once things have cooled and think about it

For example, my past relationship had serious gaslighting that resulted in me questioning my entire reality and like what I thought about humanity. Which sounds dramatic and I know sometimes ppl use the term flippantly but it was extremely successful gaslighting. So even tho that was years ago and my current bf doesn't do that, I find that I'm extremely sensitive and feel the strong desire to correct him when I feel he characterizes something I've done or said incorrectly. I don't miss a beat. It doesn't matter how inconsequential the mistake is. Somewhere deep down I'm so hyper-vigilant because my ex would take my words and actions and twist them to be used to manipulate me that I lash out immediately if I sense I'm being misrepresented in any way. I come off like a know it all more concerned about being right than my partner's feelings because my instinct is to always correct before acknowledging anything else they've said. It makes me come across terrible, but they could be sobbing and bearing their soul and The first word out of my mouth will be "ACTUALLY..." to correct something they accidentally misspoke because they're emotional.

Even though I know this about myself, every single time i fall into the trap of doing it and then getting defensive about it. It's usually not until I get called out, get defensive and deny it, and then process it for a while and humble myself to realize my partner is right and I'm doing it again. And it took me like 5 years to even realize why I do it and the connection to my past.

All this to say, it takes a lot of work and awareness that you have these issues and is honestly a huge step in itself. Eventually it's one of those things where it's like either don't work on yourself or spend your life alone and stagnant. I had a professor who always said "it takes our whole lives to get the way we are, and it takes our whole lives to undo it." Which I tell myself when I'm being hard on myself. It took a culmination of all your life experiences to have the tendencies you do. Those aren't going to disappear over night. It's okay to be kind to yourself while you're working it out.

Sorry, this got way too long lol

 

Thanks everyone, sharing your experiences has been very helpful and I'm grateful you all are nice enough and open enough to share those things with strangers.

Dating people is hard too because meeting people is extremely hard for me. I never meet new people. Dating apps are awful now and I never get matches. Truthfully I'm considering downloading Reddit and Tumblr and stuff again because I've had better luck on there over the years. It's so depressing.

 

Genuinely fed up with this shit

 

Someone just said something that was so upsetting because they were being completely ignorant and rude and tried to turn it around on me. Fuck this.

 

It’s so bad right now, I’m sorry

 

I think it's just because people are so accustomed to certain things from dating apps and text conversations. It's shallow and lacking in any sort of meaningful conversation.

They often say they want interesting conversations and then reply with one word or one sentence comments that add absolutely nothing of value. How am I supposed to respond to that?

I'm a very talkative person but people don't want to just immediately go on a date and they don't want to FaceTime or talk on the phone either. So I don't really know what to do.

 

My trauma from past relationships (and friendships) make me so needy and obsessive. It basically makes dating impossible because I feel like they're lying or cheating or avoiding me. I start looking at my phone obsessively or looking at their Facebook. I hate myself for it.

I just want to be happy.

 

I feel this way too much

 

What do you do when this happens to you?

 

It's been so long since I even tried going on dates or anything that I've kind of just given up for the time being. It's a mixture of still not entirely being over my trauma + not wanting to dump on that someone accidentally and just feeling like I do have more important things to worry about.

I'm sorry if that doesn't really answer your question, but yeah, words are hard

 

Don't be sorry. I'm just happy to hear someone else's experiences, but I wish you didn't have to go through all of that.

I'm just trying to distract myself and repeat "everyone is entitled to their own life, their actions don't reflect you and who you are" and then stop myself from any weird Internet stalking because I'm not going to let my anxiety and OCD control me and I'm not going to let it invade other people's privacy and feelings of safety.

There's just so much stuff out there now about people who talk openly about how much they cheat and like doing it and all this other shit and post porn of themselves online and I just need to get a grip. It all freaks me out. But people are allowed to do whatever they want with their bodies. I came from such a traditional family and background it's just hard for me to be comfortable with all this stuff.

 

Yeah, that's something that drives me up the fucking wall. I straight up removed multiple people from Facebook for unironically sharing shit that either tried to normalize or glamorize cheating. People constantly partner shaming also drives me insane.

 

I just don't trust humans, at all. I don't think I ever can.

 

I turned 40 this year and dating still sucks. I’ve been single for more than a year, after my ex broke up with me out of nowhere and basically removed me entirely from her life.

I spent the past year eating fast food daily and gaining about 25 pounds. Turns out it’s like they say - you get larger and get hypertension. So now I’m on a CPAP and blood pressure meds. It’s been a long cycle of self hatred that I’m trying to break by getting back out and exercising and just trying to live and meet people.

A couple months ago, I got the guts to DM someone on Twitter who showed interest in me. We really hit it off. We texted and Facetimed all the time. She was always busy and over the course of two months, never made time for a date. Then her texts started tapering off, to the point where I was like “Did something change?” And she told me she’s thinking of moving back to her home city in Atlanta. I’m heartbroken because it really felt like something substantial and a person that accepted me for who I am. She asked if we could still talk and I said I couldn’t until she made up her mind, if only to protect myself, because if we continued talking, it would just make it worse if/when she officially decides she’s moving.

I know it’s the right move to cut things off, but ugghhh I did not miss having this feeling of something missing. For now, I’m just trying to focus on my health and not check her Twitter. I really really do not want to go back to the apps when I feel I’m ready to date again.

 

I know this EXACT situation. Wow, it's kind of scary how similar. About the CPAP, I had to go through that too and exercising (which I don't do nearly enough) and simpler things like just drinking a bit more water does wonders for sleep apnea if you're at certain thresholds. Walking instead of driving to a close store to pick something up (if possible) each day helps shed the weight. I've only shed like 7 pounds or something, it keeps fluctuating, but it does make a difference.

The person I was talking to did the same thing, tapered off and then told me they couldn't date right now. Not checking their social media is tough. I have to resist it all the time. The way my brain works is that even though they're not ready for a commitment right now, does that mean they're just casually dating others just for flings? And then I get paranoid. But I have to remind myself often that they're free to do what they want and it's nothing about me. I've still got stuff to work on when it comes to sex because I grew up pretty sheltered and so when I think about them just dating around it makes me sick. I know in some ways it should be just as casual as anything else and emotions don't have to be involved, but then it gets in my head about where I stand and if I'm ever going to compare and if it's less special with me, etc.

I'm sorry they're thinking about moving. That really sucks. It sounds like you're doing all the right things for your mental health and your body. I'm rooting for you.

Dating over 30, especially on dating apps is fucking horrendous.

 

I really appreciate all that you said. Definitely very similar situations. It sucks. It hurts. I’m finding good ways to cope.

Since I have to watch my sodium, I can’t binge eat fast food as a crutch. Plus, I have to get exercise. So there’s a project in a bunch of cities around where they have these giant heart-shaped pieces of art spread out and you have to “collect” them all. I’m just parking several miles away and walking to them. It helps me close my circles on my watch and gives me a goal for the summer.

Absolutely rooting for you too. We all deserve happiness, whether it’s with ourselves or someone that truly values us.

 

Reminder that the grass isn't always greener - have been with my partner for 2.5 years and he's moving back home at the end of July (5 hours away) because his dad has terminal cancer. He's the most indecisive person I've ever met, with lots of relationship fears. Took us 6 months of dating exclusively to put a label on it. Anyway after jokingly mentioning that I should move with him multiple times (i have never mentioned it myself, lol), I finally put my foot down and told him he needs to decide what he wants and stop messing with my feelings.

He doesn't know. He can't be pressed about it or he shuts down and has a panic attack. And this is someone who I have an incredible relationship with. Truly best friends, travel a lot and extremely well together, spend almost every day together. Seems to have fully compartmentalized the fact that in less than 8 weeks we will likely never speak to each other/see each other again.

A lot of the girl advice out there is "he's just not that into you" or "if he wanted to he would" it's kind of hard when you don't know if that's the case or if it's just deep relationship/mental health issues. Anyway, I've already started mentally letting go. I love this person and they are my best friend but some people just aren't cut out to handle a relationship. I thought it would improve, and some things did, but you can't bet on future state.

 

By no means am I an expert on relationships, so take it with a grain of salt, but it sounds like it might take leaving him and him spending time by himself to see how his indecisiveness screwed things up. Maybe some self reflection is the thing he needs.

 

I would second what Zilla says, but also want to validate that it is perfectly normal for you to start to let go in the meantime. Sometimes, peoples' doors are open at different times, and if him not being able to open his makes you feel a certain way, you shouldn't be stuck keeping yours open for him. Maybe he'll get there eventually, but you should be able to do what you want in the meantime. Same thing happened to my (now) wife and I.

 

My wife and I went through a lot of stress last month (mostly health and family-related), compacted by the fact that she is off all of her meds including birth control while we get ready to try for kids, and I think it's just now catching up with her because she's falling into a lot of familiar habits I thought we had shed in therapy. She came home pissy Tuesday and Wednesday, which is fine, I've gotten better at giving her space when she needs it and trying not to worry about what's wrong. But she's also struggling with some kind of stomach issue (likely an ulcer or gall stone) and yesterday I practically begged her to make a doctor's appointment because of the pain she's in and she flat-out refuses, then shuts down when I try to explain that it's frustrating to be constantly worried about your partner because they won't take care of themselves. I also have to make a decision about going back to school in a couple of weeks and while she's told me to go for it, she also fully admits that she's not enthusiastic about it and I can't seem to find the right time to really discuss it with her. I feel unsupported and concerned that if I put myself first for once and go for it, it will cause issues between us, even though I know it's what I want and I skipped out on the opportunity last year because she felt even worse about it.

 

For some reason this makes me very worried that I'm never going to be able to handle a relationship.

But I wish you the best of luck and it seems like you're very in tune with your thoughts and emotions. You're making very smart, firm decisions and dealing with realistic situations head on. I think standing up for yourself and your well-being can be really hard so I applaud you for that.

I'm sorry you have to go through this and I hope things work out for you

 

People who refuse to go to the doctor to take care of themselves when they know they have an issue is probably one of my biggest pet peeves.

 

Idk maybe they’re worried about getting stuck with some insane medical bill or getting fucked by insurance

 

Yup, for that reason I’ve gone to the doctor once in the last five years. Any issue I have I just kind of hope it goes away lol- but it usually does

 

In some cases yes, in this case no lol our insurance is fine, she's just a cliche as someone who works in the medical space as an OT but thinks she can self-diagnose. I say all of this lovingly!