Mental Health Thread • Page 347

I truly don't know how much more of this insane world I can take. I already felt alone pre-pandemic but the past year has ripped apart the very fabric of my being. I waffle between feeling like I'm going to be okay, better than I ever have, and feeling like I'm about to crash and burn to cinders. I'm so young to be feeling so old. Every year feels like an eternity and every day feels like a month. My mind keeps going to a nasty place of thinking about how I feel like I might just power through the next few years, claw my way up to getting my PhD, celebrate, and then throw in the towel. Close the book with a flourish. I'll have had a good run.

I'm so tired. I'm so very tired.

 

I’ve noticed a bunch of friendships drift or wane in the past year myself but imo, if a pandemic is what is preventing them from shooting a text or message to see how I’m doing, then maybe they weren’t as good a friend as I thought they were.

 

Thank you all so much for sharing. I share a lot of your sentiments. It is less bad than going through them alone, though not preferable. If anyone ever needs a private outlet or interaction, my messages are open.

 

I feel like I always want to move elsewhere because it seems like a shortcut to feeling good, as if I don’t know it’s a temporary high. Turns out you have to work out your issues holistically.

 

First time posting here in this thread and first time really reaching out in a while. I keep everything to myself in real life and on here anymore.

This is mostly to vent and let some things off my chest, but here it is.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 years now. It's been serious and good for most of it, but since the pandemic it's gone from bad to worse. We got a house together recently, and also have a dog who I adore more than life itself. I do love my girlfriend. We had planned on getting married. However this past year with her has been truly awful and she makes me more miserable than not anymore. There's multiple factors involved, like me being furloughed/laid off, where I can understand her frustration with me. However a lot of the recent issues we had bubbling up before the pandemic have really surfaced since. I really have been trying in our relationship and life, but she just makes everything in life about her, and the problems just all seem to stem from me and what I do or don't do right in her eyes. She has mental health issues she won't tackle, mostly because of her upbringing. She comes from a conservative, rich family. I come from the complete opposite. So we butt heads that way. Our sex life was great too til a couple years ago, even before the pandemic. It's like she is a totally different person now, and I really think that our relationship may be coming to an end. She wants me to be a whole other person now too. Just so many signs and things that have taken a toll on my mental health this past year. I just don't know what to do. It'd be easier if a house and our dog weren't involved too. I basically just feel stuck and it's exhausting anymore.

I was using weed and alcohol as a crutch for a while to help with the mental health pain, but I had to put a stop to that. Working out, running, video games, etc helped for a bit but it's back to the same vicious cycle. When she comes home from work I never know what the hell kind of mood she's going to be in or if todays the day she treats me like complete trash and wonders why I get upset.

I don't talk to my family or friends about this, because well I don't really have good family or friends anymore. Which is my fault. Cause like I said, I keep everything to myself bottled up.

Sorry for the rant people. I just wanted to let some stuff out and do need help, so I figured a random post here would help my mental health haha.

 

I started a graduate program about a month ago and I think I picked the wrong program. I’m in way over my head and it’s not exactly what I thought it would be (my fault for not doing more research). It’s through the university that I work for so luckily tuition is just through a work benefit where we can take a certain number of classes for free per year. I’m strongly considering dropping and switching to a new program next term. Posting this here because I can’t escape the feeling that I’m a failure for not completing this. School always came easy to me but the combination of the online setting and curriculum I’m really not that interested in has made this really difficult. I told a few family members that I was starting because they had been pushing me to for years. I feel like I’m letting them down but at the same time it’s probably better to switch to something that’s a better fit than to flunk out. And I guess it’s not really quitting if I switch to something else and pursue that. I’m oscillating between feeling a deep sense of relief and acceptance and feeling like a total failure right now. I’m starting a new position with the university on Monday and I know I’ll likely need a master’s to advance beyond that but I think I need to really sit down and think about what I want to do. I’ve never really been a career-driven person, never had a “dream job” or anything like that, I honestly really just decided to study higher education administration because it was something family told me they could see me doing. I feel totally lost.

On a lighter note I’m currently searching for a new therapist and hopefully that can help provide some clarity or at least allow me to find some sense of direction.

 

^Talked with a friend about this and feel a lot better

 

I feel like I've been dealing with an amount of grief and events in my life that's extremely difficult for anyone to emotionally work through, and I'm worse than many at it and as a result behave or seem to behave in toxic ways sometimes. Deaths in family, experiencing extreme bi and ace erasure + phobia and general hostility, processing the amount of violence I endured growing up, quarantining in isolation for a year and losing sense of smell due to covid infection because bnb housemates wouldn't wear masks, side effects from being overmedicated for years by my clinic and having to navigate a complicated (for me) scenario of choosing between medication I might have dependency on at a price I can afford vs compassionate mental health treatment. There's lots of difficult moments to work through at a standard I'd be happy with and on top of everything else there's the general craziness of the past two+ years and social media addiction. It's difficult to not be addicted because it feels like you're out of the loop if you disconnect for weeks+ at a time, but April will be the month I will do this, try changing clinics, etc.

 

Absolutely everything has gone to shit and I see no way out. I'm not going to hurt myself over it and I know I can't do that but frankly that almost feels worse. I'm stuck and stranded in this hellhole called life and all I ever do is lose everything I care about one by one by one. I've been happy for exactly a single year of my life. Everything else has just been me desperately running away from the void of sadness that's eating a hole out through my rib cage that's been there for as long as I can remember. I don't think I even have a personality beyond a scrambling attempt to avoid getting swallowed.

I stopped running over the past month and a half and actually tried to sit with that sadness and reconcile things with it and all I found is that it literally never ends. I keep going to bed and grasping for the hand of someone who isn't there, crying and hoping tomorrow will be a better day. It never is. Everyone who told me it gets better lied to my face. I fill my life with all these bullshit blast beats, crushing guitar riffs and gutturals like I think a single one of them will ever make me feel something or fill the void and none of it does anything. I've stopped bothering to play music from my speakers anymore as of today because I don't even see the point. I'm not going to live a long happy life anyway.

All life is is you get taunted with the promise of a good life and then get everything you love snatched away and with it goes your soul, piece by wretched piece.

I say it with my entire chest when I say I hate it here. I wish I were never born. I wish I'd died in the college bathroom I attempted to take my own life in in 2017. I wish I'd never met the friends who I'm slowly losing bit by bit with the natural tides of the passage of time. I wish I'd never met the loves who left me. I wish I'd never touched my asshole ex who destroyed every bit of mental health progress I made. I wish I'd never given myself the opportunity to lose something because it's all I ever do.

I dared to smile up at the stars and they spat in my face.

I wish I could sabotage myself but I lack the strength to do even that.

My life was over long before it ever started. Fuck this. I quit.

 

hey there. I know what it’s like to wake up every day and hate yourself and being alive. Please message me if you need to talk through things. ❤️

 

Thank you for saying this. I'm doing significantly better since posting my previous statement. I appreciate the extension of help, it means a lot.

 

I've been meaning to stop by Chorus for a long time now, but what really pushed me to come now was this thread. I need an outlet with folks i kinda know. Ha! This isn't to say i don't have anyone, but idk. Just feeling i can come here when i need to is nice. Anyway, basically it's my struggle to identify and diagnose my issues and it hasn't helped that i live with someone who is skeptic or doesn't even truly believe in mental illness. Like i get it, it's a long and difficult process and there are many out there abusing the system, but not everone. And there is legit help, i believe (i hope!). But yeah, I'm kinda wondering now if anyone here struggles with ADHD, specifically, and even more curious to here from women or those who know women diagnosed and how they've reacted to meds and/or found treatment to be effective or not. I specify women because i understand it is more difficult to diagnose and maybe even treat, but welcome any thoughts. I'm going to start tracking again. I hate it. I get bored and/or forget to do it and some times those are the times that really need to be tracked. But this is really taking a toll on my self esteem and my relationship. (All my life really, but especially now when things are supposedly good and easy, ya know?)
Thanks! And best wishes to you all!

 

Hi there, ADHD woman speaking. I was medicated for a brief period in I believe 2017. I was prescribed Concerta - all I can really say is that medication didn't do much for me. I think in hindsight what may have been the issue was that it was a stimulant when what I actually need is a depressant type of medication. I can only speak in conjecture as I only recently got back into therapy and haven't tried any other medication since then. I think what medication does for you is going to depend big-time on what variant of ADHD you have, and also what the rest of your brain chemistry looks like (I have GAD as well as ADHD so that complicates things further for me, for example). I hope that helps somehow.

 

The guy that is seemingly “perfect” for me doesn’t know I exist.

it sucks being lonely and no one to spend time with or share things with. No one to take care of me

 

btw apologies to anyone on this forum if i posted cringe at some point. Spending a year in almost complete isolation - first to avoid getting covid and then to quarantine myself after getting it - made me feel increasingly more detached and negative. Over time my thinking feels more scattered like theres a dozen ways i want to express something but can't decide, and sometimes it's tough to find a place in the flow of a conversation in a thread, etc. In any event this place is an oasis compared to most of the internet and made the isolation far less unbearable, whether via lurking or conversing. Now to finally talk to a psychiatrist and drop social media for while and see how much it helps.

 

Screenshotting to credit the artist. This puts into words exactly how I feel.

 

Every day feels like a fight for survival to claw myself out of the pit of depression I've been wallowing in for far too long. All I know is that I can't afford to lose anymore. No human being, thing, or place is worth what I've been putting myself through and I will defeat this goddamn depression if it's the last thing I do. I'm not letting it win anymore.

 

I’m almost done paying off my credit card. Then I want to consult and get laser treatment for my skin. I have so much anxiety just thinking about talking to a dermatologist that I’m afraid I’ll cry during the appt. I’m afraid that I’ll spend a bunch of money and not get the results I look for or it won’t help

 

I've really been struggling with getting older lately. I turn 34 this year, which obviously isn't that old, but I feel like I don't have much to look forward to. I have a chronic illness that prevents me from doing a lot of activities I used to enjoy like traveling and exercising. My wife and I are probably not going to have any kids because of my illness. We can't afford a house, and our landlord doesn't allow pets. So right now life just seems kind of...pointless? I'm just not really sure what my purpose here is. I don't have the mental and physical stamina to really do much anymore, so I just feel like a lump a lot of the time.

 

I realized in therapy this week how badly I’ve dealt with dissociation in an attempt to defend myself from things that have happened to me and it’s fucking with my head a little bit. I keep reading things and watching videos like “Oh. Yep. Okay. Yeah. That’s me - that’s - okay yeah that too.”

 

I’m tired of being lonely. Dating keeps getting harder. Especially in my area where my choice of guys are no good. It’s near impossible to find someone who doesn’t want kids, isn’t a drunk, doesn’t smoke or do drugs of any kind, also isn’t super religious. If I do come across them and I like what I see, they’re not interested. It’s like finding a needle in multiple haystacks and you don’t know which haystack it’s in.

for what I went through with my ex, I’m terrified to date. Guys before him were just jerks, but what my ex did to me during and after is beyond words can describe and is fucked up.

 

The amount of mass shootings recently and bullet cartridges being found at one of the local school districts (Shaker High dismissed early after .22 caliber cartridge found) have made me legitimately fearful of going to work tomorrow, and pretty much fearful of leaving my home at all.

None of this is being helped by my sister starting to use heroin again. She was clean for years and relapsed a couple weeks ago. I've been around addiction enough to know not to take it personally, but one of my biggest fears was that she would start again because she has nearly died twice from overdoses. I'd be a fucking wreck if she was gone because she's literally the only person in my family other than my mom that I still have any sort of positive relationship with.

 

I am always internally disappointed when I don't get acknowledgement or praise but then cringe and hate when I do receive that attention. End up with a weird mix of bitterness, depression and imposter syndrome. So cool. So much fun.

 

Depressed because I'm always broke but I'm so depressed all I want to do is eat so I spend money on fast food, which then makes me even more broke.

 

I'm finally happy to say that I've reached a point where I don't need my happiness to hinge on other people anymore but man oh man I really look forward to the day where I cook myself breakfast because I want to and don't have to force myself to do it just because I have to.