LGBTQIA+ Thread • Page 23

wowee you are hella cute

 

@nohandstoholdonto thanks luv! you're quite cute yourself

 

currently chatting with a girl on bumble but tbh her conversation skills suck. she just keeps asking my favourite book, movie, tv show, animal and not actually talking about them and just moving on to her next question. she's the only gal I've matched with so far (but I've only had bumble for a little over a week so I'm not losing hope)

 

She's clearly a robot.

 

she mentioned she's a psych major so my roommate thinks she's giving me some sort of personality test lol

 

just pretend you're doing Vogue 73 questions

 

I don't post a lot but I wanna say hi! I'm Felicia and I'm good with she/her and I consider myself gay/queer.

Talking to people on the apps is the worst. I feel like I'm always asking the questions which then makes me feel like I'm bothering them. I've started asking them out to coffee/ice cream pretty quickly because the small talk seems to dissipate fast.

 

I hate dating apps tbh, I dream of meeting the love of my life at some crazy inopportune moment and both of us just slowly falling deeply in love, but uh, doubt that’s gonna happen.

so I use HER, OkCupid, and Tinder lol.

 

Have you guys heard of Lex? My friend told me about it like a week or so ago.

 

Well, currently, I go by Khiem, he/him, cishet, ace
Here's me in front of a lighthouse

My facial hair was once a source of pride, Look how manly I am, an Asian with a beard that connects to my sideburns! I hate shaving, but I used to think it was because I'm lazy. I mean, that's partly true. It's just, shaving my face feels like such a manly activity to do. Better to let it grow out to convince myself and everyone else that I'm very much certainly a man.

I've been having a lot of realizations like this over the past few weeks. It's exciting to have things recontextualize and make sense, but also kind of scary because of the implication of a long journey ahead.

 

Yeah, that’s a pretty similar to how I felt about shaving tbh. That’s kinda how things go, in my experience, you start to kinda slowly recontextualize and make sense of things you’ve kinda pushed aside over time.

 

Three years ago, this was the longest my hair has ever been


It was that long when I graduated, but you can't see it with my cap on. Soon after that, though, my brother and parents pressured me to cut it back to the length it is now, and I've kept it short ever since. My dad has always cut my hair, I've never gone to a barber. By now he must've given me at least a hundred haircuts. That time was the roughest, though. Afterwards, I silently sobbed in the shower because I felt like I had no autonomy over my own body. Even though I'd just achieved an important milestone in my life, I was still in a very dark place mentally. But I didn't really understand until now why it was so important that I grow out my hair in the first place.

My mom has been very vocal against body modification. Tattoos are too permanent, piercings and hair dye are for women. Whenever this was brought up in conversation, I'd always nod in agreement, but secretly I wanted all those things. I want my hair long and in bright colors! I want a nose ring and to have my ears pierced! I want angel wings tattooed on my back! But no, that would be too feminine.

(tw self harm, maybe lowkey psychological abuse?)
I've always hated my body, I've always hated myself for being overweight. In the years since I graduated, due to my low self esteem compounded with my difficulty to find work, I developed a bad habit of scratching itchy bug bites until the skin tore off, and then scratching off the scabs before they healed just to feel something. My legs are full of scars, to the point where I no longer wear shorts in public. My mom guilt trips me all the time, she birthed me perfect and I ruined my body. I'm overweight, I didn't wear my retainers after having braces so my teeth are all crooked again, and I have so many scars on my skin, as permanent as tattoos. I don't take care of my body because I don't love my body. But I didn't really understand until now why I was so dissatisfied.

 

Oh gosh I hope no one I know irl googles me and sees this

 

Are you in a place in your life you can get any of the things you’ve wanted, fuck what your parents think?

I super hate myself and my body, but over the last couple months I got my septum pierced (a piercing you could hide fyi) and then several tattoos (the first of many). And that’s the first time I’ve ever not hated a part of me. It’s nice to have some part of me I don’t detest.

 

I'm unemployed and live at home with my parents haha... but there's a sale on jewelry at Hot Topic, so I'll start with accessorizing when I go out, I guess.

 

Ah fair enough. Totally understand. Fake nose rings are a thing, so you can at least test out how you feel about it. It’s a step.

 

I keep telling myself to just take it one thing at a time and not get over-excited or over-anxious about the future, but I was thinking in the shower: I've always preferred hoodies because they hide the shape of my body. I'm tired of hoodies. If/when? I transition, my jacket game gonna be fucking lit y'all

 

I mean it's a proven fact that gay and trans folks always have the best jackets / style in general

 

I just got a jacket I'm really excited about over the weekend. I live in Florida though and I haven't had a chance to actually wear it yet.

 

I feel kinda bad about it morally but I love leather jackets

 

I have no style because I'm uncomfortable in everything.

 

Thanks again for the response. I'm still not used to active conversations about these topics so I took my time to come back.

I actually have three queer friends I'm comfortable around and can talk about anything (pansexuals unite!) without fear of judgment. I might be seeing two of them this weekend so I plan to bring this topic up.

As for the clothes, that's an important question I haven't consciously asked myself yet. I've always retained a neutral style, though I've worn a few less "boyish" things and have had people compliment me on them.

Looking at the ride that the last few years have been, it's like, as I'm taking control over my life back, the true inner self I had been repressing all this time is finally coming out. Earlier this year, something clicked and I suddenly felt like my entire wardrobe needed a good cleaning out. If I remember correctly, this happened through binging Don't Trust That B In Apt 23 and being in awe at Krysten Ritter's stunning looks. Fashion has always fascinated me, but for so long I dressed specifically for other people and not for myself.

As of now, I think this could help me express my queerness with more ease. Wearing feminine clothes in particular has been a long time coming due to my gender dysphoria, and while I haven't started the medical part of my MTF transition yet, this would be a huge step forward for me. I've already found a few celebrities whose looks I want to emulate (perhaps I could post an example in the clothing thread or this one?) and I'm kind of noticing a pattern... so I might be close to finding my style. Just typing this last sentence makes me both nervous and excited about what's ahead.

Reading your recent story again is so heartwarming and I'm so happy for you! Having your fantasy finally being fulfilled must be so freeing despite those fears. It reminds me of last week, I had my first dream including what seemd like a romantic fantasy with a man, which shook me up. I hope I'll be able to get a similar feeling soon, but my journey doesn't have to be rushed as you advised. Taking it step by step is the best way to come to terms with all of this.

It's so weird. I feel like I'm about to experience the adolescence I was supposed to have around decade ago, and I didn't see that coming.

 

Oh and I've been growing out my hair for a while just to see what looks I coud pull off, and wow, the patience one must have. My receding hairline isn't helping either...
I might post an introduction picture once I get my new phone.

 

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday. I don't think I need my meds adjusted, but I will try to use this as an opportunity to ask about getting a gender therapist to determine whether I should start hrt. One step at a time. Happy Thanksgiving; y'all in here are wonderful.

Wow, I seriously edited my post to replace a comma with a semicolon, like an English major. Some things change; some things stay the same.

 

@xkhiemster happy for you! so glad you're taking this important step for yourself.