Mental Health Thread • Page 281

I change my sheets once a month at most if I remember, to be fair it takes me like 20 minutes to put on a fitted sheet and it still falls off immediately in my sleep haha

 

Oh god, that would drive me nuts. I can't sleep if my sheets aren't on my bed perfectly.

 

I blocked pretty much everyone in my family except for my mom and my youngest sister on everything possible and I feel like things are finally starting to get a little better for once. I should have done this a long time ago instead of wasting so much time letting all of these people poison my life.

 

So I've been very depressed for a few weeks and trying to sound like I'm OK when I'm really just not. Unsure if I want to be alive anymore and everything seems fucking pointless. I can't get a job and recording a radio show every week is the only reason I leave my apartment. I find it so hard to get out of bed when I wake up and I can't find pleasure in anything. Tonight I've been considering self-harming and I'm just gonna stay out drinking for want of something to do. Life seems bleak and empty & I don't know how much longer I can keep going or if I even want to.

 

I've never really been very vocal, either online or irl, about how down I'm feeling due to my personal circumstances. Sometimes I've found it had to get around anywhere that isn't my kitchen and then its straight back to bed. I've always put on a face of a confident young guy who is outspoken and funny but, as you've probably guessed, that's a wall that needed a hammer taken to it.

Recently, my family and girlfriend gave me a bit of tough love. Just in regards to my behaviour and attitude to life and it really hit home. There was no malice or bad intent but it genuinely has given me a new outlook. I'm 30 on the 10th of September and really need my life in order. I've managed to just get out of bed and go and do things without worrying where some form of depression or anxiety is taking me and, if I stick to it, it's a start.

Guess I just wanted to post a positive result recently.

 

I wish I had someone I could talk to. I'm 30 and still dealing with self harm (which I feel is for teens) and I have other things that make me feel shitty.

 

I've been there and I'm still there.

The only advice I have is to exercise if you don't all ready. I'm sure you have heard that a million times and it may not be helpful but it's all I got.

 

Yep

 

Idk how to articulate it but I feel like I'm on the cusp of something. Like I've been doing a lot of listening and learning and self reflection and maybe my mindset is finally changing and maybe that will finally give me the motivation to change something for the better. Most of my problems are self inflicted. Nobody else puts me in this box except for me. I am the only one limiting myself and my life at this point. Like I'm getting the thought process down and now I need to learn how to direct that into positive change.

 

Its really hard to function daily when you don't have a life worth living. I wake up and cry for how ugly I am, how lonely I am, how unwanted I am. How I'll never be happy again. For many years I always wonder why I got put on this earth to suffer. I don't want to suffer anymore.

 

The book I'm reading posed the question: "would you rather be right all the time or happy?" At first I was like psssh I can be both!! But the more I dwell the more I realize the accuracy. I like to think I can acknowledge when I make a mistake or am wrong, but for situations where someone is yelling at me for something that isn't my fault I get so heated because I need them to know they're wrong. I overthink it to death and it leads to nothing but anxiety and misery. I need to learn how to let that go or figure out how to cope with it. I admit that the need to be right interferes with my happiness sometimes but idk how to transform that into action or meaningful change.

 

It's really fun how seeing a picture of myself just really ruins my mood. I fucking hate looking at myself and it embarrasses me that that's how i look to people.

 

Ugh saaaame. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I'm like "wait.... Is this what I look like?? Omg I'm gonna look like this forever like this is just my appearance?!" Like I'm in denial but something will remind me what I look like and I'm like nooooo I want to have the face of a beautiful model or celeb why do I have to look this way?? And then I feel shallow and then guilty for feeling shallow. And then I feel like I'm being a sketch feminist or something. It's a harmful cycle for sure.

 

thank you

 

same but realize that probably no one else sees you that way and your mental image is way worse than what you present

 

Yeah, I'd like to believe that but I just have never been able to sway my brain, lol. So I see myself and it's just like a kick in the junk.

 

Quoting myself lol to say the opposite of this is nice tho. When I look in the mirror and do feel like myself. Not necessarily "beautiful" but just like myself. Tends to happen when I'm wearing an outfit I like and had time to do my makeup like I want and feel like myself as a result of self expression. Growing up I hid a lot of myself by hiding under baggy clothes or hoodies in summer and coming into myself and my style makes me feel v happy. I'm shy and introverted so it's a way for me to express my personality without having to talk haha

 

I think eventually I'll just give up. I'm still a nobody who isn't good at anything. My life hasn't had any progression and I'm tired of suffering.

 

Please don't give up. It's hard now and I get that. There is support if you need it, you just need to take that next step.

 

I always find myself struggling with money. Rent is so expensive where I live it's hard to organize moving out. I'm home by myself most of the time but for whatever reason I feel much more lonely by myself in a small apartment. There is one apartment that is "perfect" for what I'm looking. It's in no way "fancy" or in a super nice area, but the price is reasonable (still not cheap) for what they offer. The plan I looked at seems like it can fit all my stuff. It didn't appear to have bad reviews and all the reviews I saw were pretty positive. I am working towards a better paying job, but starting wage isn't much more than min wage (depending on where you go). Not many places offer medical insurance, which is crucial for me because of my health problems. Even with insurance procedures are still in the thousands or not covered at all. I always wonder why I had to be born with the worst genetics. The hardest part about this all is I have to go thru all of this alone. I have no one. I can't stand when people say "theres someone for everyone" or "you'll find someone" because thats far from the truth. Hideous people like me were meant to be alone. Eventually everyone leaves because they can't deal with me. I want to suffering to end

 

I don't know. It's been hard for too long and there's not much hope. I work a close to minimum wage and barely get by. I've tried medication to help with depression and anxiety and nothing helps. I just started seeing a new therapist but I'm not too optimistic because past therapy has never really helped.

 

I do get it, I know people always say they understand and want to help but there are truly those around that can do it. If not in real life, then here. It's a community and we are all in this thread because we need something to grasp onto and be familiar with. We all have that common thing so please reach out to me, or someone else, if you just feel like talking. Talking is a start. Starting is the hardest part.

 

I'm not sure where else to put this, but after talking about it with some of my close friends, I've more or less come to the conclusion that I'm non-binary as far gender goes. It's been something that's been weighing on me for years but I've kept quiet about because I know some of my family would have issues with it (eg "you're just looking for attention/validation etc") I guess that part's kind of irrelevant since I don't speak to them/have them blocked on everything for other reasons so it's not like they'd know or even care. But it did feel like I was being dishonest with myself by saying I was a cisgendered male when I think there are too many things about me that don't line up with that. And it feels like I should have realized this years ago instead of trying to suppress it because I was too scared of what other people might think.

Unfortunately at work I wouldn't be able to openly be non-binary since I work primarily with boomers who wouldn't understand any of it and the last thing I need is the stress of someone spreading nasty rumors about me because of it. Like I deal with enough stress as it is, I don't need more