Mental Health Thread • Page 21

I don't have any real advice or anything meaningful to say except I hope you're doing okay. I know when that mood hits it can be incredibly difficult to get motivated to do anything else. Even if I know exactly what I could do to get out of a rut, actually getting myself to do it is often not something I'm capable of. It's temporary though and it'll look up, for whatever that's worth.

 

Politics makes me feel like shit

 

I'm sure I'll be fine.
I'm playing in the UK Dodgeball championships at the weekend and then having a big night out with my team after. Playing dodgeball and a good night out always lifts my spirits.

 

Lots of drama in the family is reaching a boiling point, politics is making me worry a lot, I feel like shit with uni and my body is reacting weirdly to all the stress. Trying to push myself out of a depressive episode, too. There's just too much going on at once and I need a break.

 

Sometimes I just think about getting in my car and just drive off into the unknown and disappear.

 

I'm at my son's birthday party and the kids are playing and everyone is socializing and I'm just sitting here having an anxiety attack. I need to get out of here.

 

I haven't been doing all that well tbh. My relationship w/ my dad has somehow gotten worse (I can't believe that's possible), school has been stressing me out, and the world just bums me out and makes me fearful. idk.

 

My friend's wedding was tonight and I am just so proud of myself so I had to share it! My friend was upset because no one was dancing so me and the maid of honor just went on the dance floor and tore it up! It is soooo out of character for me to go in front of 100 people and do anything let alone dance. I ended up dancing all night and had a ton of fun and I think I even made a new friend which is so awesome! Feeling like I kicked anxiety's ass tonight!

 

Towards the beginning of this year I was in a really bad place in my life. Was having troubles at home, I was stuck in an incredibly abusive and unhealthy relationship, and I was struggling with school. It took a representative from the school showing up at my door with a police officer to make me realize that I really need to fix my shit.

Fast forward a week, my (now ex) girlfriend and I finally broke up. But it was confusing. Both of us knew we were horrible eachother but neither of us really wanted to accept that it was over. So we were in a really weird hybrid friendship borderline relationship thing. She was a good person besides the abuse. She would get good grades, stay away from drugs and alcohol (besides the occasional weed), and was a well rounded individual.

I ended up going to an inpatient mental health care facility for a week (mostly to save my ass from going to court for school attendance— couldn't afford to pay $500-1000). That whole week I didn't take it as seriously as I should've because I was so focused on getting out and seeing the girl.

I get out, turn on my phone, and call her. Turns out she got drunk and had sex with my best friend at the time literally hours before she knew I would get out. That, mixed with my depression, and the new meds I was put on, that fucked me up. I was irritable and angry and sad and unfortunately suicidal.

Skip forward and I go to another hospital the following week with the intent on taking it seriously. Although it scarred me because it got so bad in there (imagine 5 mentally unstable girls, all on their period, throwing tables and chairs, ripping nailed down whiteboards off of walls, and screaming and crying). This happened about 3 times, and I still have nightmares about it. Probably doesn't sound that bad, but it was for me since I'm easily scared and I am prone to anxiety and on top of that the best friend that my ex slept with ended up being there as well. It sucked.

Thankfully I was able to go to a hybrid school and therapy place for about 6 weeks. That was what really changed me for the better.

Here I am, about 4-5 months later and I feel better than I ever have. I removed the bad people from my life and I've found purpose in writing music. So this forum is a godsend.

What I'm trying to say here is that life is about choices. There are a million choices you can make, and those choices can be doubly as important when you have mental illness. Think ahead. Yes, there's a stigma on mental healthcare but it's a pointless stigma. It can and will change your life if you push yourself hard enough into letting it in with open arms. Don't give up guys, especially if you're young and intelligent and have a lot to prove.

I've learned a lot about mental healthcare and how it works so if anyone ever needs tips or advice, feel free to PM me. ❤

 

Same, thinking about going on a long personal road trip (maybe moving, idk) if only to see a lot of cool sights and have the experience. Arizona, California, Alaska, etc. Going on a vacation of driving while listening to music can be therapeutic, and a road trip, with friends or alone, is usually a good way to relieve stress and create positive memories to anchor yourself to later on when back in the real world. No need to disappear, just make it a week-long or more getaway to help ground yourself when you get back to reality.

 

Just got a call that my dad had another seizure. He's in the emergency room near his home in Florida. Christ. Idk how to juggle the two sides of the things I'm feeling lately. I didn't call him on Father's Day because that day brings up some really scarring things for me that were posted about (and later deleted I believe) in here. We did talk the day after but I kept it brief. But I don't want him to die. I just want him to stop being such a hateful person while he's alive, and what if this time it was the last one and our last conversation was me being short with him on Father's Day?

It used to be really easy to hold resentment toward him cause my entire life he was such an alpha male type of character. Owned his own business, coached all our sports teams, and hated kids like me who were more interested in things other than sports. When he visited us in Vegas last he had his first seizure and subsequently open heart surgery, but then when he woke up he hadn't even left the hospital bed before he was saying gross things about the women on staff and saying harmful things about gay people (which is a huge part of where my struggle with him lies).

Idk I guess I just don't know what to do. I'm having trouble reconciling all the things he has said and done that contribute to my having zero confidence in anything, and make me feel like I am not a real human being. But on the other end of it, he's my father and I can't just not care. I want him to pull through and do okay, and I want him to be a better person with his remaining time. Fuck idk. feels like I'm wrong no matter what.

 

I understand this kind of struggle, having a father who has made hundreds of mistakes in the past. He was once addicted to prescription drugs, kept his mental illness a secret, abandoned our family when things got a little tough. He's trying to make-up for all of that recently by trying to build a better relationship with all of us now, but it's difficult. He recently had hip surgery where they basically replaced a huge chunk of his body. I was worried that I might lose him, but I didn't, and now we're back to having the same kinds of awkward tense conversations on the phone.

With family it's hard to reconcile the pain you've felt because of them, and also the responsibility you have in loving them despite it all. If you are patient and you try to come from a place of love, and not resentment, then you are already doing a great job. You can't make him a better person, but you can try and be a good person yourself. I hope this gets easier for you.

 

I have lots of resentment towards my mom and idk how to let it go. Ppl always say you can forgive someone without okaying what they've done, but idk how to forgive her. I think it's also my stubbornness. When I've tried to forgive her she tells other ppl I was going through a "phase" and blames it on me. I can't let it go and then we get into another fight. She's a better mom now and while she does things that bother me it's not as bad as it used to be. it's so hard to forgive someone who thinks they didn't do anything wrong and can't take responsibility. We get along on a surface level but the more time we spend together the more I get passive aggressive and my resentment comes out. Like yesterday she was talking about how she tries not to be judgmental of people and it was hard not to give some sarcastic remark. it's pointless to bring it up cause she says "I'm sorry you feel that way" or claims I'm making it up or twisting her words. she once told me I was a bitch and this is how she is and she'll never change so I know it's pointless. I try to appreciate her cause her side of the family is dysfunctional af and I'm lucky to have been raised by my mom cause at least she's not as bad as them so it could be worse, but i still can't get over some things.

Blah

 

Forgiveness is the end-result of a process that, in my mind, requires the other person to accept responsibility for their actions. It is not something to which the person that harmed the relationship is entitled. If they don't demonstrate remorse and amend their behavior, the process will always be a failure from the beginning. In other words, you don't HAVE to forgive her and you're right not to do so. If she were doing the right thing, then you would want to forgive her and that would be the basis of the relationship. As it stands now, you can't let go because her toxic actions won't allow you to let go.

TLDR: Forgiveness for the sake of forgiveness is new-age bullshit, particularly if the person is still engaging in toxic behaviour.

 

Thanks that makes me feel better lol. It just sucks cause I still talk to her weekly and see her every few weeks or so and it'd be nice not to feel that tension. I think it's one sided tension tho cause she's content with moving on and I'm the one holding grudges. Every time I bring it up she always acts like the victim and every time I think maybe she's actually growing and starting to take responsibility she shows that she isnt. And then I always feel all pressured to forgive her cause everyone says you have to to move on but it's like how when the persons actions still impact you daily and the way you live your life and they won't recognize it? Lol idk it's annoying.

Sorry for rants I just spent a long weekend with my mom's side of the family and I'm so done with them all haha

 

Ha. It is all good. I have a similar relationship with my older sister. She is eight years older than me and watched me when I was a kid. She was very homophobic (called me the f word), critiqued everything I did, locked me in the basement, etc. She has since become a born again Christian which makes her even more insufferable. I attempted to meet her on her terms, using theology to try and get her to recognize her actions were wrong. She laughs it off. I heard similar refrains about forgiveness from my mother and other siblings. But, I realized that closure/recognition was not forthcoming and I cut her off. I can't control her, but I can stop living in the past by way of excising that part of it from my life./my story

All of that to say that that is what worked for me. And not to crowd out your experiences with my own. But, I empathize. I realize dealing with parents is different. But, it helps a lot when one unburdens themselves with the idea that forgiveness is necessary. You can move on without it.

TLDR: I hope it gets better, Kiana.

 

Good on you for cutting your sister off. I have never been able to do that to people despite wanting to and knowing it'd probably be better for me. I guess it sounds kinda weird to say but I admire people who can do that and recognize that a relationship is damaging or toxic and do what they need to do for their own mental health. I'm sorry you had to tho

My mom's family is all about family loyalty no matter how horribly they treat you. They think it's better to let awful things go cause family is family so I don't think I'll ever get through to her. I don't hold grudges often but when I do I am the queen of never letting go of it lol so I think we'll be at a standstill for a while.

 

becoming increasingly paralyzed with anxiety as co-op draws nearer to a close and my academic term comes up closer

 

Thank you.
I'm just not even sure what I'm supposed to do I guess. I can't forgive him for being an actively harmful person if he won't even admit to it and continues the harmful behavior. I also can't just not care when he goes through these things. Like you said though, once he is back to being okay the tension returns and it's so hard to not have that be a part of our interactions because of all the shit that he has been saying/doing all my life. Feels like a lose-lose and I'm in the wrong either way. Which is probably another outcome of our relationship and me being taught that growing up, but it's still there. Idek if I'm making sense anymore. I don't know if I'm supposed to care more about him being in the ER, or about how I've treated him in the last few years, or whatever it is that's wrong with me. Idk.

Edit: to your second paragraph.. I think it makes a ton of sense but I probably need to work on letting go of some of the resentment. But honestly I'm pretty fucked up because of a lot of things he said/did when I was growing up. I became the kid he used to pick on in high school when I started focusing more on music than sports. I was told I was weird my whole adolescence, and I was told that I literally could not be anything other than straight because of how it would effect his reputation in our community (and how he personally feels about non-straight people). It's lead to a lot of self-hatred and zero confidence. It's also lead to me at 24 now having to figure out my sexuality again cause I realized I repressed/ignored a lot of feelings after a talk he and I had.

Idk I'm just a mess right now I guess. Sorry to dump all this on you guys.

 

Dude, don't apologize. This is why this thread exists. I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time growing up. It's amazing you've made it this far in your relationship with him (and with yourself) that you're reflecting and contemplating forgiving him after what sounds like an awfully complicated span of your life.

If you feel like letting go of your resentment will help you, then I think accepting the difficult relationship is the first step. You've already done that. I think you need to focus less on forgiving him and more about forgiving yourself for feeling this way. With the kind of relationship you've had with your father, it's understandable you have these confused and bitter feelings. IMO you're telling yourself that there's something wrong with you when you've done nothing wrong-- in fact you're trying to be a good person, a good son, by trying to fix that dynamic you've shared with him your whole life. The only thing you can do is try, try really hard, and the rest is up to him really. It's not your fault that he isn't the best father. When you accept that, the resentment will make more sense to you. And maybe you'll understand better. And hopefully that makes it easier

 

I wish I could get like a haircut without just being overwhelmed with anxiety for whatever reason. It might be my least favorite thing to do.

 

I have that same problem. After two years without a haircut I had to basically tell my partner not to let me make excuses and force me to go get one. Ended up being the best haircut I've ever gotten haha

 

I've gotten the same haircut for like 10 years, I don't even know if I like it but too scared to make a change and it doesn't work

 

Yeah I've been getting the same cut for years since I cut my long hair, but it's just the whole situation that's stressful. I've got a big head and a thick head of hair and it's easy to make it real dumb. Plus the small talk, the stranger touching your head/hair. I always feel like they're gonna uncover a gaping wound on my scalp or some bad dandruff I was unaware of and I'm going to be mortified.

Though the girl I've seen the last couple times is perfect and doesn't try to get me to talk and is consistent with the cut so I think it'll get better.

 

I work with kids and I'm getting my hair cut in a few weeks so I made my mom check it twice to make sure I don't have lice cause I'd be mortified. Gross but we had a horrible outbreak last year. I'm also glad me and my friend booked our appts at the same time so she can talk to the hair lady and I can nod along and not have to interact much!