Mental Health Thread • Page 250

which sounds about right considering all the time I’ve spent in horrible places in both cities ive lived in and all the horrible shit I’ve seen and have had happen to me

 

I'm still doing pretty okay but I need a place to vent so I'mma do it here.

I have two close friends, one who I see pretty frequently, the other I talk to a decent amount but she moved to DC and I don't have a car so I don't see her. Last time I saw was in September when she got us and her bf tickets to see Drake (free courtesy of her job at Ticketmaster but still so thoughtful and cool). The first one is for sure the one I'm closer to but we've had a rocky history, at one point he was verbally abusing me, just screaming at the top of his lungs and it was always about this weirdest shit, shit that was not important in any sort of way. Not to "victim blame" myself but I wish I would have stood up for myself sooner because that was all I really needed to do. For sure it's been a two way street but also keep in mind he has pretty much driven to all the places and friends houses and stuff like that. I should also make it clear that I've never nothing anywhere near that caliber to him.

So I have this date thing on Friday and I am just so fucking anxious. Also, when I get really anxious, I literally shake, or at least it feels like it. I really want to make a good impression so I ask him if he has any benzos lying around, like I asked for like a quarter of a quarter of a bar or a .5 of Atavan, which I was prescribed for a number of years. I'm going to talk to my psych about getting back on that on a as needed basis, I didn't really think a doctor would agree to that sort of thing but apparently I'm wrong. He tells me he knows where to get .5 of "vans" which would be PERFECT like one for Friday and maybe one of my drivers test. BUT, they're hard to get for "what they are" and he might be out of town (dunno where, w/e). Like it makes me so mad that he is truly more concerned with how high he'll get instead of just fucking helping me out. I bust my ass for this man so much, the most recent thing being, the last girl I was talking to was friends with a girl he is/was ('dunno) talking to so like on some truly middle school shit I was like do you know how xy feels about z and obviously told him what I learned. There's plenty more, truly, but there's no point rn in going through out of that was just like a week and a half ago.

I've been kinda sad bc I know me having a car is going to make us a drift apart inevitably but perhaps it's for the better. I'm just really sick of trying to so hard to help and be there for him when I just truly don't 1/50 of that effort back. Super frustrating but fuck it, I don't need him.

 

PTSD is the one thing that just kinda sneaks up on you and you really don't understand it until someone points it out. Its so fucked up and scary but makes total sense.

 

My depression is leading to me not showering as often as I should. Today I legit staged it to look like I took a shower so housekeeping wouldn't judge me. Sigh lol.

 

that was me a lot this past summer. Its the first sign I noticed that something wasn't quite right with me. I found taking baths at night before bed really helped.

 

Yeah usually I know myself and that I'm not a morning person on top of depression making me not want to, but I've also been so tired lately I went to bed at like 7:30pm lol. I should prob shower as soon as I get back to my hotel tonight just so I'm prepared but yeah motivation sucks. I'm even becoming the dreaded late person I always whine about lol

 

I'm over-medicated until I can taper off everything besides Depakote and it has totally zapped all my energy and I can't believe I have to depend on these drugs that can do serious damage to my body. Reading side effects freaks me out every time. I am just feeling very anti-medication right now but I know I can't get by unmedicated. I just wish I wasn't mentally ill and didn't have chronic illnesses.

 

Things are not going well. Idk. I am trying to urge myself to hang on until my therapy appt next week but it feels so far away. This is the worst I have felt in an incredibly long time. Usually at least as I get on with my day that feeling of heavy emptiness subsides a bit so I can function, but today especially it won't go away at all. It just sucks. Every morning I wake up, the thought of having to function thru another day is just debilitating.

 

Yeah she wants me to undergo EMDR therapy

 

I drank very little alcohol like 1/4 of a can of cider over like a period of 1.5 hr and then remembered I didn't take my Lexapro yet. Will I like die or something weird happens if I take it tonight? I assume it's ok but one time I didn't wait long enough before mixing meds and thought I was gonna die lol like literally

 

I keep falling asleep in the early evening cuz I’m so tired so much of the time I just can’t stay awake

then I’ll spend the rest of the night being “too tired to sleep” and wallowing in the feeling of stupidly self-imposed loneliness and being fuckin tortured by my past and all the voices in my head from all the people who’ve hurt me

one of my friends played a show tonight and I know I should’ve gone but I didn’t because I felt self-conscious that my band hadn’t practiced since the last time I saw her. so I was worried I wouldn’t have enough interesting things to say about myself and our conversations would be all about how well she’s doing and I’m afraid of showing resentment over that to her. ugh

 

my bandmates have also been kind of distant generally, and I’m afraid they’re getting frustrated with how emotionally erratic I am and maybe feel like I’m not supporting them because I haven’t gone to recent shows they’ve done with other projects. we haven’t had practice in a couple weeks cuz one of them has been really focused on solo work and has been getting booked for a ton of shows, and I’m super happy for her but once again there’s that resentment and perpetual fear of falling behind that I know she picks up on.

for one of her shows earlier I messaged her that I would go but I was “on this tip” and linked the banks song “crowded places” which is about feeling nervous in crowds. but based on her response, I think she didn’t pick up on that and just thought I had chosen listening to banks alone in my apartment over seeing her play just cuz I like banks more or something. which makes me feel really stupid although if I told her I didn’t mean that she’d probably just be like “no I’d rather listen to banks than see me play too” although the other side of that is expecting me to push back and praise her music more...

and now christmas is coming and all of this gets put on hold while I stew in my misery and resentment juices around my parents while they pretend to like each other

 

I think all of this might be related to a broader problem where I only see value in myself when I’m actively producing or providing desirable things for other people. I get super caught up in that shit to the point that I literally cannot just chill out and do nothing in particular with people, I always need to be constructive in a way that feels mentally and spiritually fulfilling or whatever, and when I’m not impressing other people I feel like there’s something terribly wrong. if I’m not getting enough of the right kind of attention in that way my whole life goes into a tailspin, which is happening right now.

I end up shedding basically all friendships that aren’t organized around specific activities, at this point basically meaning music, sex/intimacy, and/or intellectual stuff. I don’t know if this is good or bad anymore, it’s like I’m always trying to transcend the mundanity of my life and perpetually afraid of just living with it. I think that’s good to an extent but at this point my aversion to it feels pathological, but it’s hard to know how to approach that. maybe it’s time to dig back into the japanese spirituality lit I was getting into a while back

 

I’ve been told my whole life that I’m only good if I can give to other people in great ways, and outside of that I’ve always gotten cruelty, dismissal and hostility. but instead of dealing with that by becoming a slacker or whatever, I would just throw myself more and more into things I thought would make other people want me, to the point where they largely became more about my own satisfaction, but there’s still this expectation that in the end people still have to be impressed by this stuff I worked on or else I’m nothing, I’m worthless, I break down, get that recurring feeling of phantom hands around my throat. it’s such a hard thing to untangle

 

My friend told me everyone was done hanging out with this man who sexually assaulted me and was VERY abusive of me and other people but I just logged into Instagram and it turns out he was at this party I almost went to! And I feel sick now lmao nobody will EVER stop loving this guy no matter how many people he abuses. It doesn't help that sometimes his victims defend him too due to stockholm syndrome or something. But I mean, at some point....you have to look at the sheer number of people who have trauma from your friend and realize he's dangerous. I don't care if his ex girlfriends stay on "good terms with him" or whatever, he has literally confessed to stealing the passwords of all of his exes while they were dating, other people have come forward about his abusive behaviors, and then there is the stuff I've told them about, which he never confessed to but my friends should believe me.

So I'm done with them. I have a few friends who are either not in that crowd or are 100% against him and would never be his friend again (just one falls into that category). I'll be having fun in Maine, they can keep having fun supporting abusers I guess.

 

This is rooted in my anxiety disorder stuff so I guess I'll post it here.

Anyone have any tips for overcoming anxiety about navigating cities alone? I'm more used to being in cities with other people, so I'm not as on edge. I get overwhelmed really easily, especially by traffic. I don't drive so I walk/use public transportation. I've gotten by without using Uber so far, but I'm going to have to start using it soon, and I'm a little anxious about that. I think the thing about Uber that makes me the most anxious is having to socialize with a stranger. Although I'm not 100% sure where that comes from, because I have used taxis and do okay socializing then. For what it's worth, I have spent most of my life in places with populations below 25,000 - so anything more than that is new to me, save for some trips to Boston/NYC with other people. ANY advice would be appreciated, thanks.

 

I'm from a small town and navigating public transport bigger cities used to stress me out too and still does if I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing. I cheat because I cannot read maps to save my life and I will plug in where I am and where I want to go with google maps, input public transport option, and it'll tell me which station I need to go to and all the stops, the station ids, etc and that made it pretty foolproof for me. it's helped me navigate various cities and their public transport without getting lost

 

I'm mostly familiar with nyc where you can get by with public transportation and walking
I've only done Lyft a few times and there wasn't any really socializing, personally a stranger driving me around is the stressful concept with Uber

I weirdly find big cities less stressful sometimes because of the anonymity plus not having to drive

 

I moved to a larger city (or, well, I opted to live outside of it for now, but work in it) this year by myself.

What I've done is just learn what you need immediately, like say the best way to get to work every day and what trains/bus lines take you there so you can more easily identify a different bus/train that will get you where you need to go if the usual one is delayed/maintenance issues/etc.

then once you feel more comfortable about that, start to learn about a small chunk nearby that you'd pass a lot or want to visit and then just grow it from there as you feel comfortable with it.

I also use Google Maps like a fuckton to always be sure of where I'm going because I'm awful finding places I haven't been before and often might go in the wrong direction.

As for Lyft/Uber, I've only used it a few times but there's never been much of an expectation for conversation and if they try, I go with vague answers until they quit trying, lol.

I totally understand the struggle with anxiety and getting overwhelmed. Even though I've lived here for 7 months, I still get anxiety and I just do my best to take it slow. That has helped.

Hope this helps in some way.

 

Today's shift at the grocery store involved a lot of cleaning up spills and some pushing a broom and I feel some kind of guilt related to "I'm still paying off my college degree (and so is my dad) and my parents didn't send me to college to end up stocking shelves at Sprouts"

There's some class issues I probably need to unpack. But also I make more an hour now than I did at my first real career job lol so yeah definitely class issues

 

Thank you all for the tips, they were helpful and I'll try to keep them in mind!

 

Hey guys,

Over the last few days I have done a lot of mental health maintenance. Part of that was cutting out someone who is very close to my heart. She was someone I considered to be my closest friend but she was very abusive towards me. She would take advantage of my feelings to get affection but treat me like a pest when it wasn't beneficial to her to speak to me. Everything was so one-sided. It all had to be her way or it was wrong. Every aspect of our friendship had to cater to her wants and needs and if she didn't feel like being there for me, she would tell me I'm needy and push me away. I stayed around for far longer than I should have but I cared deeply for her and still helped any chance I got.

That being said, a week ago we had an argument where she told me she didn't care that I was manic and I bailed. I talked to her a few days ago to see how she was doing and she told me she didn't want to talk to me and called me selfish for only caring about my mental health when I've been going through hell. She told me she was considering if it were worth keeping me around and needed time. I was hurt, told her I'll make the decision for her and cut ties completely. Blocked her on everything, deleted her number, the whole ordeal. It was one of the more difficult things I have had to do but I'm trying my best to go into 2019 without all of my demons clawing at my door. She has treated me poorly for years and I always came back with open arms. It's time to take care of me, though. If that makes me selfish, than I guess I'm selfish.

 

It's that time of year where people reflect on "then vs. now" the most. I can't believe this time last year I was getting ready to go off to a different school in Maine. I was excited and hopeful. Then I ended up backing out a week before classes started, took more time off, and then applied to the school I'm at now. This was my top choice school from the beginning, I just didn't know they'd give me all this aid so I could afford it. The year still didn't turn out as planned, I ended up with Hashimoto's and having to go home a lot. I had to withdraw from some classes and take an incomplete in another.

I keep thinking about how going to school in Maine was just a thought that really appealed to me for a while, and now I'm actually here. I'm writing this from my dorm room. Tomorrow I'm going into Portland and spending the day there. It's such a wonderful city full of creative, progressive people who do a lot of cool things and I love it.

My Hashimoto's Disease and Fibromyalgia have improved with medication so I'm going to work hard to get back on track academically. I know I can do this. It's still so surreal that save for the few bumps in the road, it all worked out the way I wanted it to (as in, getting into the school and affording it and all that).

I'm optimistic that 2019 will be an even better year. I hope all of you have a great year too.

 

my life is garbage

 

I'll admit 2018 was half good. I was able to finally land a new job just before summer that got me the fuck out of a state (and job) I hated and into an area that I do genuinely like.

That said, it's not perfect. I live somewhere where there is plenty to do... and I just want to spend all my time at home, alone. I feel embarrassed that everyone I know is so outgoing and I just want to be home. I really haven't made any friends since my move, something I do and don't much care about at the same time. I like texting people, not actually hanging with them, lol.

So in 2019, I'd like to try and be a little more adventurous given where I live, but I won't be too broken up about it if I don't. I don't know.

At the very least I'd like to do more non-work writing and stop buying things when depression demands some fake gratification. And then I'd love to stop feeling paranoid about job security.