Mental Health Thread • Page 232

My best friend moved away to Texas today and though I knew it was coming, I still broke down and cried at work today when I saw his post on FB saying goodbye. It’s bittersweet, I’m happy for him that he’s starting a new chapter in his life but it’s at a time in my life when I really need a friend like him around because of how life is going right now. It sucks

 

My job mostly sucks but I really like the people I work with and work environment itself. I get paid decently for the position but not really enough to sustain myself. I’m in a much better place employment wise than i have been in a long time but it’s still a cause of stress in my life because it’s not financially enough and I work way more than I’ve been used to, 35-40 hours a week which I know is the norm and many people work much more than that but I’m still exhausted all the time and barely have time to further my work in audio engineering and my own music. I haven’t had a freelance project in five months and it’s really depressing and making me feel like a failure

 

I always feel ungrateful because I have a good job that is a career and related to my degree and enables me the privilege to live on my own with fewer financial worries than most, but it's a v draining job that I enjoy but is just so stressful. I've worked in the field for years and I honestly think it's shaving years off my life expectancy like no joke. Sometimes I swear I can feel the pigment leave my hair and turn gray. It's fine like it's what I chose but it's hard to find a self care balance. I try to do things like the gym and guitar lessons and cook healthy but I'm so exhausted it's just hard cause all I wanna do is veg out on the couch or lay in bed. Sometimes I miss working a customer service job cause when I had time off it was legit time off. Now even time off is stressful because the work doesn't just end with the shift. It builds and piles and waits for me to come back.

Sometimes I miss my lil bubble when I was just living at home and working part time to pay for college with fewer debt. I was like adult lite and it was great.

 

Have had this feeling that a lot is going to change this month and I’m optimistic it will. Have heard similar sentiments from other people, and it’s sort of interesting how paths can turn parallel like that with people you’re close with.

 

I hate that my parents are constantly drinking at every meal, I mean that's their problem and I can't help them, but they keep trying to drag me into it, and with the news and my personal issues on top of it, it's getting harder to resist. At least working out has been helpful because I'm finally eating correctly and preparing heathy meals.

Learning to say "no" was the best advice given to me.

 

So I am pretty scared of flying, not because of the technology of flying, just of getting a panic attack mid-air. I was going to go to Chicago this weekend with my fiance, we cancelled our trip for a few reasons, mainly to save a few bucks and use our hotel and air points for a honeymoon next year. I didn't want to be relieved because I don't want to be afraid to travel, especially at this point in my life before kids where I have money and time to do so. I am trying to look at it as more time to prepare for our trip to Disney this January.

 

I thought like after my first post-grad job, until I found a job I dug, but those foot out of the door feelings turned more into professional development feelings. Like, "I want to learn this to better my skillset for the future" etc.

 

I wish I could help my sister more. Her husband getting diagnosed with cancer a few years ago screwed everything up. They had to quit their jobs and move for his treatment. They're back now and were living with the in laws but things blew up and his dad legit said "so you had cancer, get over it!" and called him a loser and lazy. Like I would get frustrated at my BIL when he would lash out at my sis and nephew cause of his issues from the cancer, but he's been doing well and working despite needing a second hip replacement. So they just moved in with my dad for the time being and I just wish I could help more. My sis is so distraught cause my nephew has never had stability due to the cancer stuff and she doesn't wanna pull him from his school in the town they were living with the in laws but she doesn't know how to make it work. I just wish there was more I could do. I know blah blah I can be an emotional support, but I wish I could do more.

 

I understand this on a very, very deep level. If you ever want to talk about it, I would be more than happy to. My parents' drinking and my own issues with sobriety kept me from seeing them in person for 2+ years.

 

I've been so triggered lately I wish I had a therapist, I'm going to look for one this week. I wish "erasing every traumatic memory from my brain" was an option, but it isn't, so I need to find a therapist here.

 

I'm beyond stressed over money/health insurance and my anxiety is through the roof, feeling sick to my stomach at work.

Finally getting kicked off my parents insurance since I'm turning 26, and my company's plan is just bad. We changed from a PPO to some sort of consumer directed plan. I'm going to have a high deductible, have to pay 100% of everything until I reach it, and then once it is reached, I still need to pay for 15-25% of my costs for copay, up to $60 per prescription. The Lamictal and Seroquel that I'm on are not cheap, either. On top of all this, the provider itself doesn't have the greatest network of providers. My therapist does not accept them so I'll have to try and file my claims by mail.

And even more, my leasing manager wants to raise my rent by $100 if we re-sign at the end of the month, even though they have bigger units on Craiglist for less than what I pay today. I've left two emails with them and a voicemail to see if theres room for negotiation and they're dodging all my messages.

Also found that I'm getting moved to a different building at work, giving me a longer commute and a toll so there's another ~$30 per week.

I'm looking at spending hundreds more a month than I do now. I just want to go home and crawl in bed. My student loans don't help, either.

 

I'm feeling extremely stressed out today over work. Things are piling up one after another and I feel completely inept and absentminded. I think my brain is seriously fucked for some reason

 

Thanks, it means a lot. I'll send you a pm.

 

I can't decide if I should take a leave of absence or not. I'm so behind in my classes because of my illness and the stress is driving me insane but if I go home (which I would have to do if I took a leave) I'll be miserable again until I can go back to school in January.

 

I’m a piece of shit human being.

 

I promise you are not.

 

Throw these two posts together and that’s where I’m at. By all accounts I have a great job and should be so thankful but it’s draining the life out of me. I’ve never felt more incompetent in my entire life. I can’t focus at all and I know it’s been showing. I’m so scared I’m going to eventually get fired and I don’t know how to start doing better. I just don’t feel capable of thinking anything through anymore. But I also feel trapped because I’m an idiot and I racked up a bunch of credit card debt despite living with my parents aka no rent and having a pretty well paying job, plus student loans on top of it. I can’t imagine a pay cut, or even going through the interview process. I just wish I could put my head down and push through the work but I can’t no matter how hard I try and I honestly just have no idea what to do.

 

No one is a weethlees piece or shit. I used to think it, took me years to rebuilt and get rid of the past. As always: of you want to talk about it then DM email in

 

I’ve always gotten way too in my head, I’ve pretty much always been like this. lately it’s been getting a lot worse. I overthink little things and imagine the worst case scenario in every situation. do you know what it’s like to imagine the girl you’re head over heels for you breaking up with you every time she texts you she’s coming over? do you even understand what it’s like to tell the people you love basic info about your life and get the feeling you’re annoying them or wasting their time? this is the shit that fills my head constantly and I’m scared I’m gonna do something irrational and lose her to an impulsive self-initiated breakup. I want to stop ruining good things in my life because it makes me fucking miserable. this is no speech to my gf’s character either. I have absolutely no doubt that she is the most supportive, loving person I’ve ever met. I’m just scared of repeating past mistakes and build irrational things up in my head. I’ve never been able to rationalize any of the good shit in my life. hell, I can’t even look at my gf and think I deserve to be with her.

it’s hard to feel like people love me even when they say they do.

 

Horror movies is all I have right now to relax to.

 

I basically had a mini-breakdown this morning and convinced myself I had to drop out because I had an assignment due at noon and I still didn't understand the material. I was basically like "this is getting way too hard and being this stressed/overwhelmed is bad for my health so I need to do this." Well, it turns out none of the assignments are due until Sunday, which means I have a little time to study more and see if I can understand it. I'm going to hold out a little longer before making a decision to take a leave of absence. I just wish school wasn't so fucking hard to me due to the illness shit. I am so fucking relieved I was wrong about the due date though.

I also am so hard on myself. I keep feeling like a failure for giving up on school work every night because that's when my symptoms are at their worst, every night without fail. But then I'm like...if someone said to me "I really struggled in school because I was dealing with a chronic illness," I would not judge them at all, I'd have compassion for them and think it's great that they even tried. Hell, I'd have compassion for anyone struggling in school even if they didn't have a chronic illness - this shit is hard. I hate that college is tied so strongly to our idea of what makes someone "successful" because it's hard and expensive and definitely not for everyone, and that myth that college degree is the only marker of intellect, work ethic, and success is bullshit. I personally feel like I have no choice but to go to college because I don't have very many practical skills besides writing and a lot of jobs that don't require a degree are hard for me due to my chronic illnesses. Anyway it just sucks that so many people, myself included, view ourselves as failures either if we struggled or didn't go at all. I'm going to try to be easier on myself and also not give up on this semester yet.

 

So today is my first day back on Vyvanse and my whole body is just super jittery. It's like I can feel every muscle in my body vibrating. I hope once my body gets used to it that it helps.

 

i feel pretty bad man

 

Made the mistake of trying to drag myself out of the house to distract me from being sick all week and the news and I should have just stayed home bc my mood is not improving at all!!!!!!

 

I feel like I’m a shadow of myself, I’m so sad and drained