Mental Health Thread • Page 230

At some point, staying in a world I'm clearly not equipped for for the sake of other people is not going to be tenable

 

School is becoming severely detrimental to my mental health. Dealing w/ and worrying about health issues while in school is extremely challenging. Stress makes my symptoms even worse. I don't know if I'm actually depressed but I have such a hard time concentrating and motivating myself for some reason. I know I should e-mail all of my professors but I have trouble even mustering up the motivation to do that. I meet with disability services next week so hopefully that might help a little. But I just wish my brain and body worked right instead of making school absolute hell for me, although I guess it is hell for most people in some way regardless of how "functioning" they are. And this is coming from someone who really likes school overall! I just have a hard time with a lot of aspects of it and it's fucking up my mental health and I need to figure out what to do to fix that. And I have so much fucking work to do that I doubt I'll get done by Sunday.

 

I’m falling back into bad habits and I’m like ... maybe I’m just better at being miserable and not trying

 

I hate when people tell me to stop worrying about my health and trust my doctor, who has not even done all of the tests for conditions that were suspected by other doctors. They have literally no idea what I've been through and I guess they "mean well" but their advice (which is often unsolicited) always comes off as cold and condescending. Last night my symptoms were really scary. I'm going to fight for more tests until they figure out what it is, I'm not going to be passive while the doctors let me suffer.

 

I relate to that. I wish I had some advices but I'm not sure I know how to get through these issues myself. I've interrupted my studies one year ago, and have improved myself mentally in the meantime, but I don't know if I would be ready to go back to college next year. I don't care about the gap or the small age differences, it's mostly the pressure and the amount of work that scare me. I still get nightmares about finals.

 

i keep missing my doses and feel weird. like my brain doesn't wanna do shit. anyone have experience coming off ssri's?

 

I had a huge breakdown today. Like nasty ugly crying lol. I wanted to reach out to the girl I’ve been talking to, but I feel like I’ve been too much. I don’t wanna scare her away, everything between us has only just started. And I feel like my friends are tired of me too. I’m just so tired. I tried to nap but, like yesterday, I kept being jolted awake and feeling intense anxiety/depression. So I’m staying awake and sleeping early tonight and trying not to annoy the girl I like while I’m awake, which is really hard because..... I like talking to her obv lmao.

I have my first psychiatrist appt on Thursday. I’m nervous but excited to start this process. I’m sick of trying meds that aren’t working. I have to wait til the second week of October for my next therapy appt, so hopefully I can make it til then.

 

Coming off antidepressants can be really awful. Depends on the meds and the person. Even just missing doses can affect you depending on the meds.

 

The pressure and amount of work is exactly what's getting to me, on top of my other issues. Good luck with whatever you choose to do - I'm sure you could do well in school when you're ready and if but it's totally fine to not go back if you decide it isn't right for you.

 

Got a call today saying the doctor is refusing to do an MRI on my spinal chord like another doctor recommended and I'm fucking crying. I just want to find out whatever the fuck this is but if it has anything to do with my spinal chord, which it very well could, I can't find out without an MRI. I've had multiple doctors suspect MS given my symptoms and family history, and so did the radiologist, but the neurologist who met with me for 10 minutes decided it wasn't, based on one MRI that didn't even use contrast and DID have lesions on it. I am suffering and I feel like nobody wants to help me. Their only theory was that it was simply due to my "severely underactive thyroid," but I just got results back saying my thyroid is in the normal range now but I'm still having symptoms, and even if there was a chance it's just my thyroid, I'd still want everything else ruled out. But apparently I don't have Lupus or any connective tissue diseases so that's good. Anyway, this is still a fucking nightmare. I'm looking to get a second opinion, my doctor said he'd support that and my insurance doesn't require a referral anyway, but it's so hard to find good neurologists around here.

 

I have plans for my life, plans for my writing, and things I want to get done. But I know I’ll never actually do them. I can do them and I know how, and I want to. But I have no motivation. I feel like a zombie.
I feel like I’m watching someone’s life through their eyes.

 

Idk why I try and force a friendship with...anybody

 

Still waiting 4 u to move and become my pnw friend thooooo

 

this means a lot. I wish I could move now SO badly but I know my only chance at survival is if I get a degree first. Just one and a half more years.....

 

It sucks being the one always making the first move in friendships.

 

Today has been awful. I don’t know what to do anymore and my mental well being is the worst it’s been in a while.

 

Spent my evening arguing with someone who keeps blaming victims and dying on the both sides are at faults hill, when discussing abuse and rape allegations. I'm pissed and I need a punching bag. Having empathy is too hard I guess. Why do shitty people stick to their shitty "opinions" instead of educating themselves and simply listening? I hate how naive I tend to be.

 

all of this bullshit has made me relive some things that i don't like to relive. i posted some thoughts about it all on facebook and then listened to music for about 45 minutes. it sort of helped.

tomorrow is going to be such a fucking shit show

 

Hey bud, I’m sorry to hear that. How can I help?

 

Literally came here to say this week has been really triggering with the Kavanaugh shit and I see I'm not the only one it has been hard for. I'm really sorry things are so awful.

The gaslighting is fucking horrible. I keep remembering the ways I was gaslit when I confronted my rapist and how it actually made me believe at times that my memory was wrong.

Thank god I go back to Maine tomorrow so I can get out of my hometown again, where all of my abusers live or used to live. Things will get better.

 

This day has me so low. It's all so fucking exhausting.

 

today sucks and makes me so, so angry
this country is a pile of steaming shit

 

i am still friends on Facebook with the mother of the man who assaulted me 15 years ago. I really like her, and she is not responsible for what her son did. She sent my father a PM asking if she knew the "printing press operator" I referred to in a post I made yesterday.

AND THEN I ACTUALLY FELT BAD FOR WHAT I WROTE. because this shit is INGRAINED in me, in all survivors. like we fuckin did something wrong. just keep on repeating to myself, i know what happened, and if she feels like shit, she should talk to her son about it

 

I feel really guilty for never following the news anymore but it was giving me such bad anxiety. I used to judge people who ignored the news cause just cause u ignore it doesn't make it go away like it's a privilege to turn it off and pretend like it's not happening. But having a soul crushing depressing job and then coming home and reading the news like there's no way. I am just not strong enough for that. I keep up loosely but feel guilty for not being more informed idk.

 

My father finally gets it, I think for real this time. I don't agree with him threatening to beat a keyboard warrior's ass but I don't think I have to doubt he's in my corner