Mental Health Thread • Page 229

My grandpa would have been 95 years old today. This is now the 2nd birthday of his that he's been gone and It still hurts just as bad as it did last year.

I miss my grandparents so much and I honestly still have no idea what I am supposed to do without them. We lost Grandpa last April 27, and then Grandma went July 8th. she just couldn't go on without him. I guess that is what its like to be married for 70 years.

I just can't seem to hold it together this last year. I just want to feel ok again.

 

My birthday was the 10th of September. 13 years ago my grandfather died on the 13th and my nana on the 27th of November just 1 year ago. I'd be lying if I said it got any easier to cope and I miss them like hell but we have to make them proud. Do the best for us because that's what they would have wanted.

If this is something you want to talk more about then PM me, might do good for the both of us but keep your head up. Be the person your grandparents wanted you to be. That's what they always told me.

 

Thank you.

 

feeling real unlovable

 

You know I love you girl

 

hot DOG I'm depressed as heck. this breakup sucks.

 

Nights are so hard omfg. I feel like the thought "I want to die" flashes in my mind at least like 15x a day. Even if I'm doing something enjoyable like last night I watched a cute video of my nephew singing a song and suddenly the thought crossed my mind and my whole mood shifted and idk why. I try telling my therapist but she says it's normal to feel this way but I don't think it is? But I think I also naturally downplay everything so maybe I'm not explaining right. I just feel rly awful and restless and I wish these anxiety meds worked. I hate being so unhappy

Recently a friend said she was jealous I had my life together and I was just like

 

Trying to cope with the fact that literally no one will ever put my feelings first and that my entire life is just going to be this constant shitty compromising where it’s my job to keep the peace regardless of how fucked up it makes me feel. I’m just so fucking tired.

 

I feel so lonely all the time and I worry about the cumulative effect of isolation. I have no faith that I'll ever have friends and fear one day I'll wake up one day and be 50 and it's just me, going through life as a ghost because I'll have no one to turn to or confide in. That one day I'll be 80 and one of those old people who die during heatwaves because there's no one to check on them.

And, of course, I'm profoundly fortunate to have a partner I can lean on and she's well aware of my loneliness and how it's not an indictment on our relationship and it's about the difference between a romantic relationship and friendship.

I hate how persistent the feeling is. It's everywhere all the time, usually existing as the background radiation of my life, but sometimes roaring to the forefront at times like this. I crave connection with others.

 

I apologize in advanced for the messiness of this post. I'm struggling a little bit to get all of my thoughts organized neatly

Background: I'm in the 4 year of a phd program in florida and as anyone that has been through that knows, your cohort basically becomes your family. I am really close in particular to one girl in my cohort, we both have issues with anxiety and depression which we bonded over and tried to help each other with. In the middle of the summer I moved across the country to ohio for an internship. I'm going to be here until the end of the year. Even though I've been ohio we still chat like 4 or 5 days a week.

Earlier this week she told me that about 3 weeks ago she tried to kill herself. Luckily her first attempt didnt work and she mentioned her plan for the second attempt to someone who luckily reported it and got her baker acted.

I can't figure out how to process this at all. How did I not realized that she was in that bad of a place? W I had no idea until she told me. How good of a friend am I if I can't pick up on the fact that my friend tried to end her life and then has been in the process of trying to put her psyche back together. It's really stressing me out too because I'm in Ohio so I feel like I'm so limited to help. I don't want to become overbearing and make her feel like she can't open up to me, but obviously I need to be more proactive in being there for her. Everytime she doesnt answer the phone or takes too long to reply to a message I start panicking. She doesn't want anyone to know about it so only two people in florida with her actually know what happened and know to be extra alert. I can't talk through this with anyone because our social circles overlap too much and she doesnt want people to know and I want to respect that. Also I'm pretty isolated in ohio so pretty much outside of work I'm just sitting at home thinking about all of this.

Thank you for letting me ramble

 

I feel this way too much. Lately I've been so done with it that I have stopped trying to keep the peace and have lashed out a bit and then everyone acts all appalled and offended. Which yeah I shouldn't lash out but I've been shoved in the background so long as this calm compromiser who u can do anything to cause I won't stand up for myself and lately the lashing out has just sort of happened.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're in that position it's bs when everyone else can do whatever and behave however but you're expected to keep it all together.

 

I would say I'm generally an unhappy person but once in a while I'll have a fleeting moment of happiness that I know I'll look back fondly on someday. I know it in that moment that's its special and even just for a minute I feel happy and okay. It's rare I have those moments but they're nice to cherish when I do.

 

I've been using these days suspended/waiting for my next job paperwork to go through as relaxing and it feels so amazing. I needed this because of how stressful my last job was for me and how much wear and tear my body had.

 

I hate this idea of the life path you're supposed to be on. Or like this shaming of not having a career. I'm in a career and it's legit so stressful I lie awake at night and have stress related dreams and get migraines and will prob get some sort of medical issue eventually. Like. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a career job and had something with less responsibility but then I'd just be stressing about money instead probably. It's like pick your poison I guess. I can't even imagine adding kids onto that stress either I'd just straight up lose it so that life path isn't even an option rn lol. Life just isn't how I pictured it would turn out which is fine cause u can try to plan but life is like hahahaha screw you. But still sometimes I miss being a kid and daydreaming about the future and it seeming so open with possibility and wonder only to grow up and it just feels like a grind.

 

I went to a wedding this weekend and had a great time but have a super sore throat and I realized it’s because I rarely talk to people. Like, I didn’t yell or anything or even talk that much but it was way more than usual because I talk some at work but otherwise that’s it. That’s kind of sad lol

 

My anxiety and paranoia are getting to me rn

 

I have been suspended for like 6 days and they finally called me in today to fire me. My co-workers were telling me how happy I looked and I was joking because I was like "I am finally free of this place" but in reality the stress and hostile environment basically killed my spirit and now that I am done plus new job is so good.

 

They didn't deserve your produce skills tbh!!

 

It sucks im putting the produce skills into retirement.

 

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I was in a similar position a while back where I made a mistake and got fired and I thought that everything was just fucked. Didn't think I'd bounce back from it and it sucked but I managed to pick myself back up, get a temp job and work some little jobs here and there .Now I work in a good area and I'm no longer stressing about my job.

Sounds like it might be a good thing anyway since you're free of the place!

 

Haven't been in a good place lately. And the new exec for my dept is holding some big meeting we all have to attend that's making me anxious. I hate how anxious/paranoid I get regarding things at work. Never feel secure in my position, even if everyone else praises me.

 

Best of luck looking for a new job @CobraKidJon!! Your Vince and Brockhampton knowledge clearly made them feel threatened.

 

Crippling self doubt about my ability as a writer coupled with generally feeling like a fuck up is... not fun

 

Can't wait to get out of my parents' home and not see them for at least a few months.

Here's what our everyday conversations look like:
Me: "I need to share something important and/or personal to both of you"
Them: *don't listen to me, interrupt me, change subjects, go in another room, start talking about themselves instead*

Later:
Me: "Yes I told you about these issues the other day..."
Them: "You should have told us earlier, we didn't know, why do you never speak up, we can't communicate with you, we did everything for your well-being, perfect parents don't exist, etc."

I thought telling them about having nightmares that someone is sexually assaulting me since I was 5, and that I want to become a trans woman and have been hiding my sexuality and gender issues for long years would help us communicate a little better, but it didn't change anything. They're still so self-centered, and now I have to add the stress put on me by my mom who keeps asking me every single question possible about trans surgeries for example, things that I don't have an answer to yet, and freaking out about it like she's the one who will go through these struggles instead of me.

I feel like she's trying to project all of her anxieties on me and I just can't do it anymore. If I calmly tell her that she's hurting me, she calls me rude, unpolite, thinks that I'm blaming her for everything that went wrong in my life, among other silly things. Emotional manipulation at its finest. No surprise I don't want to have biological children and I hate "family values".

I'm just sick of never being taken seriously. Judgemental and insecure people that suck the happiness out of their surroundings are the worst.

 

Living with someone that constantly slutshames and judges women's appearances is also so ironic knowing my gender identity issues. I feel unmotivated.