Mental Health Thread • Page 219

Yeah I see the upset posts from people and it really bums me out. I dont rly know what's happening tho. I mostly just like post about Cheers and Queer Eye in the Netflix thread or whine about my weakness in the fitness thread. But then I'll see people posting about their upset but like I never see what caused it or what happened and so idk what's going on or how to help it.

 

I'll send you a PM :)

 

My head feels like it weighs a ton and I can't stop sleeping. It is 4 in the afternoon and I've failed to get out of bed outside taking a shower.

 

it’s so hard to imagine a happy future but i’m trying my best to keep pushing and hoping

 

Please do. Hang in there. You too Scroopy.Noopers

 

I have a domestic violence training that I am super nervous for. I already did a short one online and it was upsetting. I had to watch a video clip and it was introduced as like our perceptions of what dv looks like, so I was thinking it was going to be more an experience like mine where it was the gaslighting and verbal/emotional stuff that people don't always associate with dv, but naw like they legit showed this woman getting smacked down and her screaming. It was so gratuitous and unnecessary and upsetting I had to go take a walk afterwards. This training is gonna be in a room full of ppl and it's all day, so I'm apprehensive.

 

I mean, do people NEED to see a video of that? Like, who doesn't think that is domestic violence? Seems unnecessary.

 

I’ve decided I’m gonna tell my primary dr that I don’t wanna take Effexor anymore. And even though I know my physical health is important, I feel like my dr is more focused on me losing weight than me having suicidal thoughts and being too anxiety-ridden to go anywhere. I know both are important! But like, losing weight isn’t gonna make me feel less lonely and like a fuck-up? I’m sure we’re going to discuss me going to psychiatrist. Guess we’ll see how it goes in a couple of weeks.

 

Sounds like I’ll be getting my time off in September but if I didn’t I’d quit. I’m picking up extra shifts/working extra hours. A co worker got their time off and I picked up a day even tho it’s on my 3 day weekend. I’m willing to pick up and day here and there because I know I’d like others to or hope they would when I need time off. Plus it shows my manager that I’m willing to do the extra hours of i can get my vacay

 

Got a reply back from a pharmacy I applied to for interview. I tried google searching salary for pharm cleark and it may pay more than min wage. I hope it does and I hope I’m allowed my time off if I get the job

Edit: I also don’t know home professional or is to schedule an interview through email plus address it from the pharmacy name, not someone of management. Plus I just saw online they don’t offer medical benefits and that’s a problem

 

Went to the store and a cashier looked like my ex and I kinda internally freaked. I realized it wasn't him but I still felt v anxious and emotional and heightened the entire time I was in there. I almost left but did not. He was the only cashier when I walked in but they got some more by the time I checked out so I didnt rly have to interact. Kinda sucked tho. Like I always imagined running into him and being all cool and living well is the best revenge and aloof or something but naw apparently I'd be all panicky and wanna cry even tho it's been a long time. Cool. Poor cashier didnt even do anything he just slightly resembled someone so I felt bad.

It solidified so much more how difficult it must be to be a woman whose abuser is a public figure. I could not deal. People can debate art vs artist all they want, but after that idgaf like it is so abhorrent for the survivor/victim it is just trash to keep supporting artists like that

 

I'm sorry
and yeah I can't imagine if your abuser is someone on the radio or on a TV show that is pretty much impossible to escape

 

Oh no!! Hang in there and maybe think of melodies you can play once you’re healed?

 

I feel like I've lost all hope. Nothing feels good and I only ever get relief from the unbearable weight of my depression when I'm asleep. I don't know why I'm even alive anymore. I used to have things that could help me get through the day but nothing works for me anymore. I'm just so sick of feeling like this, and today I've been so depressed I'm almost dissociating. I don't feel real anymore and I'm struggling to find the will to get through another week, especially when I know there's no reason for me to believe things will get better or ever change. I don't really want to die but at the same time living seems like such a fucking slog.

 

I'm really sorry you had to go through this, it happens to me all the time and the panic you feel when this happens is so awful. And yeah, I think about that all of the time. One person who abused me wants to be the next Quentin Tarantino and the other wants to be a politician so I'm just constantly crossing my fingers that they never figure out how to actually achieve their goals. I can't imagine what it's like for the survivors with famous abusers, I'd be on edge 24/7.

 

I've been friends with someone I met through my abusive ex for eight years now - never told him what happened because they kind of stopped hanging out for no particular reason and also, this is really shitty but I figured he wouldn't believe me and I didn't want to deal with that. I got into a political debate with him because we'd never talked about politics (politics are huge for me so idk how we managed to go 8 years w/o talking about it) and I wanted to know his views, I don't want to get too into politics in a mental health thread but basically he has a lot of views that are deal breakers for me and I will say he ended up saying horrible things about people with bipolar disorder, like that we are inherently violent basically...he didn't know I was bipolar at first, but he didn't back down or apologize when I told him I was and that he offended me. I probably would have ended the friendship regardless, but anyway, yeah, that sucked and I'm still hurt by it even though I know he's just ignorant and I don't need a friend like him.

The thing that bothers me is I looked at his facebook last night and sure enough, he is still in touch with my ex, who basically considers me his Crazy Ex Girlfriend even though I was a 17 year old being abused, even though he was a freshman in college when we dated, even though he was the one who was obsessed with me for years to the point that he made a fake facebook account and added me years after we broke up. I did act crazy when we dated, but it wasn't my fault. The only good thing is I found the e-mail I sent to him explaining that he was abusive, and it was really well-written, and I do think that even if he doesn't feel sorry it is possible that he feels shame and wouldn't say anything about me because he knows I could just tell people everything. But I am just worried he could say stuff to vilify all bipolar people because we dated a year after I started getting symptoms and I was first diagnosed during our relationship.

Another thing that helped was I found an article on loveisrespect that basically said my ""reactive abuse"" was in self-defense, I had one therapist say this too but another one said something confusing and it made me feel kind of guilty for stuff I did but jesus christ, I need to stop being so hard on myself, I was 17 and being abused by someone even older than I was.

The 4th of July is actually an anniversary of a traumatic event that involved him, and it sucks every fucking year, and last year I gave up on trying to make plans for it because sometimes I just need to be alone on this day and all of my friends are either busy or don't live near me anyway. I just want tomorrow to be over but the good news is that two months from tomorrow I'll be going to school in Maine and I'll be further away from a town that I've experienced so much trauma in.

 

I went to see the case manager yesterday and it kind of sucked. He was like "It seems like you're downplaying how bad your situation is, and that you're really just getting by one day at a time." I just laughed and agreed. I'm often laughing and smiling these days, despite my current circumstances. He even mentioned that could work against me when I apply for benefits programs, because it makes it seem like I'm not in need, but clearly someone who is sleeping on trains and eating once a day is not doing well. I try to tell myself that there are people who have it worse and that is very true, but I'm trying to tell myself that this is seriously not good.

Anyways, I'm going to try to get into these housing and employment programs this week. In the meantime, if anyone is in a position to help, really just sharing my music can go a long way; it might lead to some new sales for my old stuff. I've definitely released more material since the AP days, so maybe there's something new there as well.

Billions and Billions

 

I feel like crap today and don’t want to go in to work. I feel drained and more tired than normal. It’s going to be a long week because I’m working an extra shift even tho I don’t want to since it’s my weekend off but more hours equals more pto I can earn for my vacay. And I’m also picking up the shift to show I’m willing to help out because I want others to help me out when I’m on the vacay

 

It’s weird when people talk about their pets in like a weird casual way where everything would be fine if they died. Like I’ve had Eli during the worst part of my life these past 5 years, and tbh he’s probably the only real reason I wouldn’t kill myself. I really worry about moving out and having to leave him with my parents. I hate that so many apartments don’t allow large dogs :(

 

I'm just really pessimistic and depressed about everything in my life. I'm nowhere near where I hoped I'd be by now and it's fucking destroying me. I'm so unhappy and can't find pleasure in anything. The only thing I actually like doing is sleeping because it's a temporary relief from the pain. I feel like shit all the time and I'm just... completely fucking broken. My parents have been weirdly aggressive toward me this week in relation to my continuing struggles at the community college I'm in and every single day I have to deal with some complaint that is just more weight on the anchor. I can't do anything right it seems. I'd probably fuck up a suicide attempt if it ever came to that. I'm a worthless piece of shit who's gone nowhere in life and would be no loss to anyone if I just disappeared.

 

Are you able to get the dog certified as a service dog? I don’t think apartments can say no to a persons service dog

 

I feel worthless. I can’t stand my job anymore (too much bs to deal with). Jobs are hard to come by where I live that pay decent, and I’ll apply for ones I qualify for, but I keep getting rejection emails. Not even a chance for an interview. It’s depressing. I don’t know what to do anymore

 

I wish I had more friends. I hate this weird in between where I don't feel like making friends in my hometown because I'm leaving in 2 months, but it's hard to make friends in the city I'll be moving to because I don't live there yet. I'm just really lonely a lot of the time and also paranoid about losing the friends I have and it sucks. I also keep hoping I'll make lots of new friends, maybe even find a social circle, because Portland (Maine) is very artsy and pretty progressive and I think I'd fit in there. But then I'm also like, maybe that's naive and actually nobody will like me there or something bad will happen and it's just this loop of negative thoughts I can't seem to break out of. I really, really hope I make at least a few good friends there though.

 

More rejection emails yay. It honestly makes me feel worthless how I can't even get an interview at places I'm qualified for. It's like my name deems rejection because it's been like this my entire working life. It stresses me out to the point of tears and increases my depression. My current job is so bad, I wish I could leave now. They keep messing up my paychecks (do so to other people), then I have to wait until the following monday to call, then an additional week more more for them to fix it. I also don't get paid shit and it's not worth it. I'm tired of working jobs I end up hating because of the company and/or management. I don't know what to do anymore

 

Does anyone else also have these time periods during which they can't stop themselves from looking at other people's lives and envying them? During my worst recent months of social phobia, living in isolation, I started browing reddit all day and would mostly end up on the subreddits related to trans issues. I'm aware how toxic that place can be, but I couldn't think rationally at the time, and somehow looking at before/after pictures and reading these people's stories for long hours would help me feel better and most importantly, they would give me a little hope.

I believe -I have not spoken to a therapist about it yet- I'm suffering from gender dysphoria and it keeps getting worse day by day. Yesterday, I got lost after a doctor appointment as not only did the taxi and I miss each others, I couldn't say anything in the language of the country I'm temporarily living in, and so instead of calling for help in other ways, I instantly tried to find my way back to the clinic by walking.

Few hours later, I found myself following railroads while endlessly thinking about how I'll never get better and and why am I even bothering with the clinic and working on my mental issues since I'm stuck in this body etc. Tons and tons of negative thoughts. Thankfully, the sudden suicidal urges went away a few minutes later, everything else worked out fine and I felt decent the following night and day. Hovewer I'm now losing sleep over this, as my mind won't stop racing after + 24 hours of awakeness. I don't cry anymore, I can't remember the last time I truly did, and I'm left feeling... lost.

And now I'm considering changing my username because I don't want anyone IRL to find this... eh. I guess I might delete this later, I just really needed to write down these feelings.

Oh and should I add trigger warnings? I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, and I don't really know how they work.