Mental Health Thread • Page 18

Its been tough lately, with everything happening at work and in my personal life. Sometimes you just want to sleep all day and not bother. I've been working on not being as obsessive/clingy with girls for awhile but I apparently messed up my chance to have a date yesterday because I was too "intense", excuse or not it was still aggravating to hear for me. Blah.

 

"You Don't Watch Bollywood With Me Anymore": A Pakistani American opens up to her mother about her depression

i actually spoke with this group about my experiences as well. not sure when that will go up but this might be the only place i share these because I'm outed in mine so i can't get near it with a ten foot pole on Facebook :S

 

I had an episode last week (almost made it to a year) so I had to see my dr earlier than expected. She upped my meds and they finally make a generic seroquel that she has wanted me to use because I rarely sleep. It all comes back to not sleeping enough. I try..I try hard to sleep but I just can't so I hope this medication solves all of my problems lol

 

Having a bad depressive episode after doing so well for (what feels like) so long is making me really fucking mad at myself. Which is making things worse.

 

Had a breakdown today. I moved back in with my parents last summer to help out with my dad's caregiving. He has Parkinson's and it's gotten much worse in the last six months. Now that it's in the end stages he also has dementia, which is starting to make him angry and violent. I've gotten more and more anxious the last few weeks after spending my days trying to help him only to be yelled at, then going to a job I hate and being yelled at all night. It all boiled over today, and I ended up quitting my job.

I feel so guilty because I want to be able to help my parents financially, but I know it's a horrible environment and I needed to quit for my own health. I made an appointment with someone for next week. I know I should've done it months ago when I started feeling so stressed, but I kept making excuses since I was busy. Better late than never.

 

I made my first public post on Facebook about my OCD. I know it's kind of pointless, but there are so many people I've known who have treated me like shit because I have what they described as "not real issues" that I became terrified for years to ever mention it to anyone, let alone everyone I know. So I count this as a small victory for me. Haha

 

I don't even know where to start...

My parents have treating me like a fucking child pretty much all my life (among other things). Even now I get treated like a kid. I don't even know kids who get treated the way I do. I wish I had someone to vent to about everything but no one will understand. No one would even believe me and think I'm exaggerating. I can't stand it and I just want to scream. Because of everything I've been through my mental health isn't good and it never has been. I remember taking this mental health test back in high school and it basically said I need to seek professional help. Professional help won't fix the problems. If it was easy for me to swallow pills I would have over dosed myself many years ago. Half the time I don't feel like I have a purpose here on earth. Half the time I feel like going off the grid and start all over somewhere new and not tell anyone nor let anyone find me, and cut all communication off with everyone , but that would be impossible rn. I hate suffering in pain. I know I need to move out but I can't with my job now

 

Lately, I feel the urge to self harm because it feels I've lost all feeling and if I scratch or harm myself, I might feel something. The feeling gets worse at night, but I don't feel like I will ever go through it, maybe just scratch my nails.

Having to go to work takes my mind off of things for a while, but everything feels like a void.

 

I finally got my panic attacks under control except when I try to drive. No matter what I do, I get one as soon as I get behind the wheel. Wouldn't be so bad except where I live has zero public transportation. This basically is making me so fucking miserable. I just absolutely cannot drive. So for the past 5 years I've been stuck working from home because it's the only thing I can do since no where is within walking distance. My job is awful. I don't make enough money to move. I have no freedom and have to rely on everyone to go anywhere. I have essentially no friends. So my life is basically me sitting at home by myself feeling like shit. And my family is extremely dismissive of all my problems. If I mention my anxiety "Well your brother's is worse." Mention my panic attacks "Well your dad's were worse." Mention my depression "Well your cousin's is worse." Or "Well it could be worse. You could have MS like your aunt!!" I know they all are going through a lot, but it's really shitty to act like that towards me. So I have basically just stopped even mentioning anything I'm going through because I know they are going to make me feel even worse. They just act like I'm a whiner or like I'm lying. I just want some freedom and I hate feeling helpless.

 

Sorry , I can only drive local roads because of anxiety so I feel you

 

thank god for ativan

 

I dontvknow where else to post this. Sometimes when I get lost in thought lately, I start to think that nothing matters - let me continue and try to bring this full circle.

It's like I see stuff for what it really is now. Humans are animals. Language, money, and time are useless in the grand scheme of things - nothing really matters when I think about it. I know it sounds like hippy bullshit but am I alone in this? Sometimes I wonder if I'm becoming delusional or something because I didn't had these thoughts a year ago.

Maybe I've been reading too much about the space and stuff. I think it's all amazing, it doesn't make me sad and I still live like I normally would but sometimes something will set it off and I trip out thinking about it. I'd like to think I'm not living under a blanket of psychosis.

Again, I don't know where else to post this. I'd like to tell someone, though, without sounding like I just ate mushrooms.

 

Naw man, you certainly aren't alone. The whole existential/nihilistic mindset is pretty hard for me/others to avoid as well. Its really hard to fall into those thoughts permanently though with how warped we are by standards of society. I guess at the end of the day when I share similar thoughts as you, I think its the relationships I've experienced that kind of make up my personal currency. On the hippy tangent....its all about the intangibles brahh

 

All of this abuse being discussed publicly is triggering memories in me not like in a way that's gonna cause me to break down or anything but it's weird. Like even 5 years later I'm still coming to terms with things and realizing how unhealthy it was. Like I didn't even realize the extent of all the Gass lighting he did until ppl were talking about it more from this Johnny and amber thing. It's weird to make those connections to my own life. I guess it is upsetting that reading about it makes me reflect more on my own experience when I usually prefer to compartmentalize it. I don't really like to be confronted with it but it's not like I'll ever forget about it either so it doesn't matter in the end. Idk i should prob go to therapy but I really don't like talking about it irl like my mind refuses to even entertain that idea. Like I get into self preservation mode and I just refuse.

Sorry, downer

 

hug hug hug

 

I completely get it. If you're not ready to talk about it, then you're not ready to talk about it. When you've gone through something like that - I'm 2.5 years out of my abusive relationship - I think it's almost impossible not to be triggered when you see parallels in other people's lives. Seeing that depressing look of recognition in the eyes of other people - mostly women - when I described the things my ex did to me was a huge part of what made me decide to devote a large part of my consciousness to "tumblr justice", because I hate how commonplace it is.

But, that's me. It's a heavy burden you shouldn't have been asked to carry and nobody can tell you how to carry it. It's about doing what you have to do, and right now that might mean compartmentalizing. There's nothing wrong with that. The only time your method of dealing is "bad" is when you're harming yourself, which is something only you know or can properly judge. That's when I would say it's really time to seek help, professional or otherwise, because you deserve better.

All that said - if you ever need to vent or do decide you'd like to talk to someone who has been through it, you can always message me.

 

Thanks bb. I hope you're doing well too!

 

I've started to become really stressed out that my whole life is being wasted by health issues (mental and physical) lately. I have OCD, and chronic stomach problems that Doctors haven't been able diagnose or treat. I'm currently stuck in bed because I've become to weak to really function. I really want my life to move forward, but I can't work so I'm stuck at my parents house. It stresses me out so much that I'm not using my life to live, but rather to slowly decay.

 

this is me exactly.i haven't seen friends in literally months. i work from home part time and that's great but it's hardly any money at all. don't have a personal vehicle, and when i can drive, i don't like driving too far and prefer avoiding freeways. i play games and watch tv shows to keep my anxiety at bay. and because i've become anxious too often, my parents have become quite dismissive as well. from time to time i worry about my future health.

 

I relate to this so much and I'm sorry you're going through this! I basically lost all my friends/had to cut them out of my life except 1 and I don't really see her that often/talk to her that often anymore. I work part-time at home too and the pay is atrocious. And everyone is really good at making me feel bad about keeping the job and thinks I should go work somewhere else, but that is extremely hard when you don't drive and have no one willing to drive you to a job. Then it's just this perpetual cycle of me feeling like a total failure at everything. And my family always tells me my depression/anxiety are essentially my own fault and that I caused them. They basically say if I just thought more positively all my problems would disappear. Sick of explaining that that's not how it works at all ugh.

 

I'm so glad this thread exists. I went through all the pages and I want to say that you're all so strong and brave. This will probably be a rambling, incoherent mess but I actually feel safe enough to talk about some things.

I'm 20 years old and in my first year of uni. I've been struggling with anxiety since I was a child. I have so many repressed memories, I basically don't remember my life before the age of 12 besides some flashes. My dad is emotionally abusive and strict. I feel anxious just asking if I can go for a walk on my days off uni. I'm not myself when I'm around him, I'm a person I think he wants me to be and I'm walking on eggshells. I'm confused because I still think my dad is a good father. He's given my sister and I everything and he has taught me valuable things. However, I don't think there's an excuse for calling my mum horrible things and being so dominating. He bullies my sister all the time, as a "joke", and I don't know how to help her through it on the times where he makes her cry. Home life is complicated, to say the least.

I've never been diagnosed with anxiety or depression, but I was in a mindfulness group with a school counsellor and a psychologist in my last year of high school. My anxiety had gotten so bad that I had a panic attack in my sleep and another the next day and I felt nauseous all the time. The mindfulness group was great. It was only 6 weeks though, so I still felt pretty awful. I saw the school counsellor for about a month until she said she had to refer me on. I felt abandoned and when I saw the psychologist she referred me to, I didn't open up at all. I just couldn't believe that someone I opened up to about my troubles with alcohol, anxiety and depression told me she couldn't see me anymore. I understand more now but I've had abandonment issues for a while and I'm scared it'll impact my relationship with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend is incredible, but I still have moments where I feel like I don't deserve him. I started dating when I was 14, I know it's very young but I've always been a shy and anxious person and he was patient and made an effort to get to know me. We started dating after being friends for a bit and it came to a messy end 9 months later. He came in and out of my life for 3/4 years. He just wouldn't leave me alone, even after he cheated on me and dumped me twice, became my friend again because he felt sorry for me then left again, and came back in my last year of high school when I was at my worst and abandoned me again. I recently told my friend everything that happened with him after her and her boyfriend broke up and her situation mirrored mine so much. He made me feel like I was annoying, too clingy and affectionate, not good enough and told me he'd hurt himself if I left him. The guy I dated when I was 17 hit me twice and I refused to open myself up after I had my heart shattered and my friends stopped talking to me. Then my boyfriend and I met last year and he's put my past where it belongs. He's built me up so much. I'm a lot more confident, in my body and who I am as a person. I've never been so loved. It's long distance but it's still amazing. Just the other day we had a date on Skype and I'm still smiling to myself because he dressed up for me. He's an angel.

Depression is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I go through episodes for a few weeks and I feel numb and hopeless but I'm not self harming and I'm sober. I'm doing my best. I haven't had a panic attack in over a year, but still feel anxious regularly, unfortunately. I want to get some help with anxiety and motivation because I failed last semester, want to change courses and my motivation goes down the drain after a few weeks and I end up depressed. I'm not working though (I can't handle a job and uni, I can hardly handle uni at the best of times) so I can't afford therapy after the few free sessions with the uni counsellor. I'm a confused, anxious, shy person. I don't have support from my dad, even though he admits he was depressed when he was my age but he's given me a "better life" so I have no reason to be depressed, according to him. I don't have best friends at the moment after my best friend and I drifted apart and most of my friends are online. I'm an introvert and struggle in social situations, but I'm really trying to improve. Most days feel like I'm just going through the motions. Lonely, not satisfied with all aspects of my life and not sure what to do. I feel like I'm so far behind when I see people my age working, driving, getting engaged and just doing great. That's not me. I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay to do things at my own pace.

My god, I'm sorry that was so long. I got carried away. Again, I'm so glad this thread exists. I'm here if any of you want to chat or make a friend, I'm on twitter (braxndnew) all the time as well. Thank you all for making such a safe place

 

Welcome! I've had a panic attack in my sleep before too (fairly recently) and it was terrifying to wake up and already be like fully into it. And I know what it's like to have parents that don't really understand what you're going through. It's tough, and I'm sorry that's all complicated. If it helps, I'm 20 and haven't even started uni yet. So you're already ahead of me! Haha And it sucks you can't really get professional help, but if you ever need anyone to talk to I (and I'm sure everyone else here) would love to.

 

Hi! It's terrible, I'm here if you want to talk! Thank you so much, I really appreciate it :)

 

Thank you. :) Most everyone here is nice, and this thread in particular is a good place. And trust me, long posts are no big deal in this thread. Haha We all have things we just need to vent about somewhere sometimes and this is a kind of no judge zone so it's good for that.