Abuse of Power and the Legacy of Jesse Lacey • Page 2

I’m 22 years old. I’m overweight. I’m weird. I haven’t had a girlfriend or had sex since I was 16. I have a pornography addiction. Trying to break it but it’s really hard. If you do any research on porn addiction you’ll find out pretty quick that EVERYONE watches porn. So I know for a fact I’m not alone. I only bring that up because when I first saw the news about Jesse and read the victims accounts and the outrage from so many people I couldn’t help but feel like a monster myself because o don’t know if I was in his situation I wouldn’t make similar mistakes. Maybe I’m just screwed up. But
One of the reasons porn addiction is so hard to break is that it’s incredibly easy to access. We literally carry around portals to porn in our pockets all day everyday. I know exactly what that temptation feels like and lose myself to it often. I can only imagine the temptations involved in having the type of fame Jesse has. I’m not even saying that excuses any of his actions in any way. He was horrible to people in life-devastating ways. I’m just saying I know my own weaknesses well enough to know that I can’t cast stones.

 

Before everyone starts ripping me to shreds just be aware that I don’t really like me either.

 

porn addiction isn't a thing

and even if it was it's most definitely not the same thing as using your position of power to solicit pictures from minors

 

I get that they’re different things and the age thing is definitely hard for me to wrap my head around I guess all I’m trying to say is that it’s hard to know how strong our moral integrity is without it being tested. I guess I’m just cynical but I tend to believe most of us are capable of doing more damage than we realize.

 

Uh yes it is? What? You can debate the second part of your statement, or everything this other guy said, but leading with “this medically recognized and studied condition isn’t real” is pretty shitty.

 

Hey man your situation is valid. What you really, really need is professional help in the form of therapy or something very similar. There is a path to forgiveness and compassion and love for yourself. You always, always have the option to turn things around for yourself.

As for Brand New, we are sadly still very very early in the uncovering of this festering wound.

 

no, it's not

 

Watching porn and actively using a position of power to solicit minors and damage their mental health/development/physical health is completely different. If you feel like, in the same poisition, you would do the same thing, you need to seek therapy. I don’t say that to be callous- that is the kind of impulse that must be addressed with a mental health professional, not a message board on the internet.

 

Porn addiction is definitely a thing a you can just ignore the person that says otherwise. They have their own issues that are leading then to say that and it doesn't have to do with you. You can find your way out of it. You have to want to though. You will have a greater chance of success if you get help. There is some deeper wound that you are salving and you have to deal with that. It is the same for most addicts. You have to realize that it isn't only about giving up something but that you are letting go of one thing in order to make space for something else that will help you to feel good also. For me, insight meditation is what I have space for when I don't drink or smoke (and I only did those things in moderation). You will die someday. We all do. Don't waste life feeling like shit about yourself.

 

Part of me wonders if all of this is the reason why Brand New stayed in the shadows for so many years, not really engaging with media and touring so sparingly.

Prior to these allegations coming to surface, we all thought it was part of their lure, they were like mythical rock and roll beings that we all worshipped.

We now all know of the monster Jesse is. I can't help but wonder if he was battling these demons (being a shithead) and it kept the band in the shadows and quiet over all of those years.

 

This site may be of some help.

Home - Fight the New Drug

 

that's the issue with jesse lacey offloading his abuse of young women onto his so-called porn addiction; they're two very different things, and it was disingenuous of him to pretend that watching porn compulsively was the reason he was criticized. it was cause he used his position to prey on underage girls.

 

It certainly isn’t an excuse. If a porn addiction even gives someone an idea of going out and treating women in the idea that porn constructs then it’s time for major counseling, but even then going out and tormenting women is not a symptom of porn addiction, it’s a choice that someone chooses to act on. It’s not as if he mentally couldn’t stop himself from treating women the way he did. He knew he could get away with it and chose to take advantage of his soap box.

 

Again I don’t think porn addiction is the same thing as what Jesse did and I’ve never really had the impulse to do what he did.
I just think it’s easier for me to empathize with his problem than the victims pain. I know that’s wrong. But
We’re finding out every other day another man in a position of power is doing something like this. Does that mean those men have just always been monsters and they built careers in order to facilitate this kind of harm to women? I don’t think so.
I think what it means is closer to the adage that power corrupts. If Jesse Lacey was just an average dude with a normal job he might have just been kind of a douche. Unless you’re a psychopath I don’t think you can cultivate the kind of ego and narcissism it takes to hurt women like that without having some sort of platform of power like being in a famous band or being on tv or being some big wig ceo jerkoff.

I don’t think anyone should take what I’m saying too seriously I’m not that smart, I don’t have doctorate in this crap I’m just trying to explain how I feel about this stuff. I don’t see anyone talking about it like this tho. It’s just angry mob all the time. Why can’t we talk about this stuff?

I get that I’m undermining the trauma that the victims went thru but I’m not talking to them or about them. As a dude I feel like we have to talk about this stuff because my whole point is that it could be any of us that cause damage. Maybe not soliciting 15 year olds but something similar. Adult women aren’t immune to this stuff either

 

no

 

No

 

they may not have built their careers for the express or sole purpose of abusing women, but consider how women historically have been treated as commodity, prize, and guarantee of fame. Once you get to the level of brand new, or Bill Clinton, or Harvey weinstein or whatever - if you want sex, you deserve it, don't you? You're famous and powerful. Women want to sleep with you. (this is sarcasm.) The truth is, yes, any man who is raised in toxic masculinity - and we all are in some degree - is susceptible to employing it himself, whether he possesses power conferred to him by fame, wealth, or the sheer fact of being a man. Many will abuse this overtly in physical ways, and pretty much every man will at some point use his masculinity, even unknowingly, in a way that reinforces harmful gender roles (be that mansplaining, catcalling, and so on). This is how toxic masculinity survives; we take it for granted and unconsciously or consciously subscribe to it as the reality that must be upheld. key to ending this, then, is forcing men to consider their masculinity and how they wield it, knowingly or not, in such a way that reinforces that toxic standard and harms women/non-men (and even other men). And that requires listening to women, listening to victims, and not letting people like Jesse off the hook. If sounds like listening to an angry mob, the reality is that when a people have been oppressed for millennia, they grow angry and they rise up together.

To that point, my guess is that Jesse was a creep who bought into toxic masculinity before the days of brand new, and then grew into particularly preying on young women when he realized he could do it so easily as a result of his fame. But it's also possible this is old habits for him, and there are victims from even earlier on in his life. Either way, his position of abuse did not spring up from nothing: it's a direct product of social conditions that we, and he, nurtured, including through the misogynistic violence of pop punk's scorned loverboy motif.

 

1) I give you credit for laying out all of your (valid) issues like that. Takes some guts, and I admire that. I know it might not mean much to hear it from a stranger on a message board, but maybe try getting some counseling if you haven't yet. I recently started seeing a therapist for my seasonal depression and going to the gym more, and it's been helping other things in my life fall more into place. I'm not fully where I want to be yet, but little steps and changes everyday can add up to a lot. Just takes patience. Don't beat yourself up too much.
2) We've all got flaws and weaknesses. Personally, I know I've hurt people in many ways, and I'm not at all proud of the things I did. But I learned from my mistakes, apologized for what I did and changed my behavior over time. Now at almost 29 y/o, I can look back and say "yeah, those were terrible things that I did, but now if I saw someone doing them to someone else, I'd feel disgusted and/or want to call out that behavior." Your own past wrongdoings don't nullify any stance you take against someone else's present wrongdoings.
3) Even IF he made the perfect apology, even IF the rest of the band put out a statement condemning him and they broke up and even IF he changed his behavior over time and began to promote a safer culture and donating to RAINN, it all still wouldn't change what he did and how it affected his victims. If people still want to listen to Brand New or go to their shows, that's on their conscience. Even if they say they don't condone what he did, they'll still have to listen to Deja Entendu knowing that while that record was being written, recorded and toured, a 15-16 year old girl was being preyed upon by a 22 year old man who abused the power he had over her and other young women. Personally, I don't think I'll ever return to Deja or YFW for that reason.

 

First, thanks for not just dismissing me. I really appreciate that.
My only issue with what you said is the people being oppressed. If you’re a female in this society I can totally support your outrage at this issue and I want to help overcome it.
What I can’t support is what seems like a very self righteous attitude of a lot of men in this scene that totally overlook any flaws that they may have and instead just yell louder at the men who have been called out. It doesn’t seem genuine. No one wants to admit they might be part of the problem. No one looks inward it’s just fling arrows at the abusers. That’s not gonna solve anything. You can’t accept toxic masculinity being a major part of our society without accepting that we all are susceptible to abusing it. That can be done privately in your own thoughts. It’s personal reflection that we need to do in order to avoid making these mistakes. No one is going to stop this behavior because they saw some dude on the internet yell at a public figure for engaging in it. But that’s been the majority of the response

 

I’m in therapy And it’s definitely helped a lot. I really appreciate you taking the time to layout your feelings on this. It’s honest and well thought out and I can totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m not trying to beat myself up but I just don’t think I have enough empathy or something to take what he did seriously enough to write him off as a person. Maybe that’s the only reason I’m sorta at odds with what a lot of people are saying on here. I’m not saying that’s right tho and maybe I’ll grow into the type of person who can take a stronger stance on this. I don’t know

 

By the way I have also seen the guys who say stuff like “let’s just hear his side of the story” “sometimes women lie” and other bs like that just to stir stuff up. I’m really not trying to be that guy. I’m just at odds with the way a lot of people (men mostly) are reacting to this story. You were right to ask this if you felt I was just trying to get in an argument. I understand that completely.

 

My issue is more that those questions have been answered so many times at this point I feel like we're all just repeating ourselves and most of the time questions like those read like "no one can be perfect so let's just not worry about this" and miss the bigger issue.

 

I get that. I haven’t really been checking in on these types of posts since the first couple days after it came out. My bad

 

And in today's entertainer rightfully loses their job news: Eric Arndt (Enzo Amore) has been fired by WWE, who's under investigation for rape in Arizona. A particularly horrifying tale.

 

there certainly are men who are acting disingenuously, using feminism for self-aggrandizement or an internal repentance - see the allegations against Aziz Ansari, James Franco, and TJ Miller, or more obviously scummy, Tom Stranger - this is difficult to identify and combat, particularly as it may occur internally and few will want to air skeletons in the closet. while recognizing and owning these grievances is pretty important, i don't think that should detract from the steps being taken here; open condemnation of jesse's actions and their proximity to the genetic makeup of pop punk and emo is necessary by people with platforms, as well as the institution of rules and development of a culture in which their occurrence is severely limited. that is to say, yes, making it feel really shitty to be a predator via flinging arrows is an integral strategy to overturning this culture.