What to Do With Brand New on End of the Year Lists • Page 6

Who?

 

I explained this in past posts. I don't think it's a good idea to hold on to hate/anger no matter who you are. I think being a forgiving person benefits everyone.

 

P.S. Do we even have confirmation that Jesse's been cheating on his wife. From the statement and based on my perception, it seems he entered some sort of therapy/treatment a few years back (likely around the time the European tour was cancelled in 2013 amidst the Derick Sherman rumors).

 

Except for the actual victims.

 

Or lover?

 

Very excited to see you and the staff's lists, while hoping After the Party made top 3 for my own personal happiness.

 

I'm gonna go out on a limb, and correct me if I'm wrong but, straight cis white male?

 

I know people who have dealt through similar issues with the help of others helping them find peace and forgiveness. Everyone's different. But holding on to hate/anger on behalf of victims isn't always the answer.

 

I, for one, am truly inspired that the entire state of Alabama has chosen to forgive Roy Moore for his minor transgressions.

Truly a model for us all.

 

i did this despite really, really, really not wanting to. i have seen so much from you that has upset me since this all came out.

 

Yeah we should let predators continue to have access to underage girls to prey upon

If you say sorry once to something you've been doing for a decade, you can skip all consequences and get right back to assaulting teens

 

i tried to play nice, this is the integrity of someone with their tail between their legs @youwontknow

 

This thread is going about as well as I expected.

A-fucking-men

My own immediately family didn't understand what the big deal was, for far too fucking long. Our relationships are slowly getting back to "normal" but my boundaries are now high and preservative.

 

lol what a fucking wang

 

One more thing on forgiveness:

Equating forgiveness with absolution and support is dangerous. They aren't the same thing. They aren't even close. Going through the fire and learning how to heal has taught me that.

Forgiveness is personal. It's something you do privately inside yourself, to ease your burden. It doesn't mean pretending it never happened. It doesn't mean granting your abuser absolution, or saying it was okay. You don't need to absolve someone of what they did in order to move on.

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. It's saying to yourself that you don't want to carry something anymore. The last time I spoke to my abuser, I told him that he owed me a debt he couldn't possibly pay and that I had no desire to collect on - and if he was looking for absolution (he was) then he wasn't going to find it. I told him that nothing I can say will ever make the things he did to me okay. That's his burden - he gets to live with what he's done and go through life knowing that I wouldn't tell him it was okay. That there is a human being who really sees him and finds him lacking. It's his now, not mine. THAT was forgiveness. Anything else wasn't my place to give. I was done making him feel better about the pain he caused others. We publicly "forgive" these people and wonder why nothing ever changes.

Because it's true - that relationship taught me what forgiveness is. It's for you, not for others - and the last person you owe it to is your abuser. It has nothing to do with them. If they want to heal, that's THEIR work to do, and they aren't entitled to anything from the people they try to destroy.

The PTSD that I and many other survivors of domestic abuse and abusive relationships carry make the concept of forgiveness more difficult because it's not as simple as deciding to let go - it takes active work, and often therapy, and basically de-programming the neural responses and survival instincts the experience put in your brain. But - moving on is absolutely part of that healing. I had a lot of "friends" decide to forgive my abuser. I cannot stress enough how much more difficult this made it for me to "move on". These people are no longer my friends - no matter how much I heal, I will never trust people who said they loved me but continue to accept and be friendly with him. It is absolutely their right to make that decision - but to imply that it isn't a betrayal or a big deal is ridiculous.

I have done more healing - more forgiving - in the past few months since I finally severed ties with everyone who "forgave" him on my behalf than I did in the past three years since the relationship ended. It might be your "right" to forgive others abusers - but I can promise you, they will never, ever forget it when you do.

 

It reeeeeeally chaps my ass that the women on here are having to include their own personal stories to help get things through some of your thick fucking skulls

 

How exactly is trying to conceal some of the things you say having "an open dialogue"?

 

I imagine it’s better just to say “hey that was in poor taste, let me retract that” and then say something more effective. Maybe don’t get upset when someone won’t delete comments regarding what you had previously said. You also have the benefit of typing out your response and hitting the reply button vs. just blurting something out in a vocal discussion.

 

Thank you very much for sharing this.

 

I wish it was surprising

 

How the fuck do you forgive someone who is a scumbag?

No thanks.

 

Pfft, fuck that guy. This world is going to shit.

 

Yeah

 

Forgiveness is a weird concept. Let’s just say all of Jesse’s victims somehow forgave him... that still wouldn’t make what he did okay